Friday humour - November 05, 2010



[ from Davo @ Bluehaze ]


G'day


This weeks funnies come from Stumpy Steve, Kaos_reflex, Mitta, Liz, Sack,
Burnout, Diks, Arfermo, Liz, The Duke of Barsinov, Nottingham Smithie,
Cartographer Chris, Allnutts, and ... you know who you are.


As I'm an old softie, I like this one.

Dogs are amazing little guys
 Click here


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          Stuttering Cat - as explained by a Grade 4 student

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings
are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked
the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler
that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped
over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl.

"My kitty raised her back, went 'Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Fffffff,' but before she
could say 'F*ck!,' the Rottweiler ate her!"

The teacher had to leave the room.


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                            Navy vs. Marines (Ouch)

This is for all us Navy guys.

A Marine and a sailor were in the bar arguing over which was the superior
service.

After a swig of beer, the Marine said, "We had Iwo Jima."

Arching eyebrows, the sailor said, "We had the Battle of Midway."

"Not entirely true," said the Marine. "Some of those pilots were Marines.
Henderson Field on Guadalcanal was named after a Marine pilot killed at the
Battle of Midway."

Taken aback, the sailor said, "Point taken."

Then the Marine added, "We were born at Tun Tavern."

The sailor replied, "We had John Paul Jones."

The argument continued until the Marine came up with what he thought was
the topper:

"Well, The Marines invented s*x."

The Sailor didn't even blink. "Well, that may be true, but the Navy
introduced it to women...


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                                 Too Busy for a Friend?

One day a teacher asked her students to list the names of the other
students in the room on two sheets of paper, leaving a space between each
name.

Then she told them to think of the nicest thing they could say about each
of their classmates and write it down.

It took the remainder of the class period to finish their assignment, and
as the students left the room, each one handed in the papers.

That Sat*rday, the teacher wrote down the name of each student on a
separate sheet of paper, and listed what everyone else had said about that
individual.

On Monday she gave each student his or her list. Before long, the entire
class was smiling. 'Really?' she heard whispered. 'I never knew that I
meant anything to anyone!' and, 'I didn't know others liked me so much,'
were most of the comments.

No one ever mentioned those papers in class again. She never knew if they
discussed them after class or with their parents, but it didn't matter.
The exercise had accomplished its purpose. The students were happy with
themselves and one another. That group of students moved on.

Several years later, one of the students was killed in Viet Nam and his
teacher attended the funeral of that special student. She had never seen a
serviceman in a military coffin before. He looked so handsome, so mature..

The church was packed with his friends. One by one those who loved him took
a last walk by the coffin. The teacher was the last one to bless the
coffin.

As she stood there, one of the soldiers who acted as pallbearer came up to
her. 'Were you Mark's math teacher?' he asked. She nodded: 'yes.' Then he
said: 'Mark talked about you a lot.'

After the funeral, most of Mark's former classmates went together to a
luncheon. Mark's mother and father were there, obviously waiting to speak
with his teacher.

'We want to show you something,' his father said, taking a wallet out of
his pocket 'They found this on Mark when he was killed. We thought you
might recognize it.'

Opening the billfold, he carefully removed two worn pieces of notebook
paper that had obviously been taped, folded and refolded many times. The
teacher knew without looking that the papers were the ones on which she
had listed all the good things each of Mark's classmates had said about
him.

'Thank you so much for doing that,' Mark's mother said. 'As you can see,
Mark treasured it.'

All of Mark's former classmates started to gather around. Charlie smiled
rather sheepishly and said, 'I still have my list. It's in the top drawer
of my desk at home.'

Chuck's wife said, 'Chuck asked me to put his in our wedding album.'

'I have mine too,' Marilyn said. 'It's in my diary'

Then Vicki, another classmate, reached into her pocketbook, took out her
wallet and showed her worn and frazzled list to the group. 'I carry this
with me at all times,' Vicki said and without batting an eyelash, she
continued: 'I think we all saved our lists'

That's when the teacher finally sat down and cried. She cried for Mark and
for all his friends who would never see him again.

The density of people in society is so thick that we forget that life will
end one day. And we don't know when that one day will be.

So please, tell the people you love and care for, that they are special and
important. Tell them, before it is too late.

And One Way To Accomplish This Is: Forward this message on. If you do not
send it, you will have, once again passed up the wonderful opportunity to
do something nice and beautiful.

If you've received this, it is because someone cares for you and it means
there is probably at least someone for whom you care..

If you're 'too busy' to take those few minutes right now to forward this
message on, would this be the VERY first time you didn't do that little
thing that would make a difference in your relationships?

The more people that you send this to, the better you'll be at reaching out
to those you care about.

Remember, you reap what you sow. What you put into the lives of others
comes back into your own.

May Your Day Be Blessed As Special As You Are

God Bless


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                                LIVERPOOL CLASSIC

A woman walks into the Liverpool welfare office, trailed by 15 kids...
'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?

'Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that
question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the
children rush to find seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll
need all your children's names.'

'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.' 'OK, and who's next?'

'Well, this one he is Terry, also.'

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the
oldest four, all boys, all named Terry. Then she is introduced to the
eldest girl, named Terri. 'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a
pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?'

Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get
them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An' when it's time
for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come runnin.' An' if I need
to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry' and all
of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Terry.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead
and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not
the whole bunch?'

'I call them by their surnames!'


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Halloween

 Click here
k.imgag.com/imgag&brandldrPath=/product/full/el/&cardNum=/product/full/ap/31
25133/graphic1


Enjoy the Climb....

 Click here
player_config.php?token=07b_1284580365%26embed=1


Unique golf course/green.....
 Click here


Wait for it ...
 Click here


Halloween card
 Click here

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                                    Political Humor...

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil
Tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the
Devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him A
check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is
Finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she
Writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is
Finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to
Call the USA so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country has gone
To hell, so it's a local call."


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                                       Barocky Road

In honor of the 44th President of the United States , Baskin-Robbins Ice
Cream has introduced a new flavor: " Barocky Road " !! Barocky Road is a
blend of half vanilla, half chocolate, and surrounded by nuts and flakes.

The vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied
as an ingredient. The nuts and flakes are all very bitter and hard to
swallow.

The cost is $82.84 per scoop.... so out of a hundred dollar bill you are at
least promised some CHANGE..!

When purchased it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but
after you pay for it, the ice cream is taken away and given to the person
in line behind you at no charge.

You are left with an empty wallet , no change, holding an empty cone with
no hope of getting any ice cream.


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                        Amazing home remedies that work

1.. TO AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES, GET SOMEONE ELSE TO
HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. TO AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT - USE
THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A
FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. [REMEMBER TO USE A
TIMER.]

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM
ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES - YOU'LL BE
AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE.    IF IT DOESN'T
MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40.     IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE
DUCT TAPE..

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR
ANYTHING,
BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM DOWN THE STAIRS.


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                                          MENSA

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take
any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing
one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an as*hole.

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign
of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really
bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a
serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming
only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the
fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its
yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings
for common words.

And the winners are:
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has
gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a
nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavoured mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run
over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up
onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circ*mvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish
men.


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AN IRISH GHOST STORY

This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like
an Alfred Hitchc*ck tale, it's true.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road
hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he
could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly
coming towards him and stopped.

John , desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the
car and closed the door.... Only to realize there was nobody behind the
wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly. John looked
at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray,
begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand
appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John ,
paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but
never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so,
gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of
breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible
experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... And
wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and
stormy night. They, like John , were also soaked and out of breath. Looking
around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the
other....

Look Paddy.... there's that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing
it!!


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                                    Beautiful Women

How many do you remember? Someone did a lot of work on this.

This is really quite amazing. Some aged quite well, others not so well.

 Click here


Climbing a Transmission Tower - a job for your next life

For everyone that has a 'desk' job, maybe you should be glad you only have
to  climb to your desktop everyday!   Wow, what a video! Just watching the
view from the top made my sphincter pucker

Check out this project for changing the beacon lamp.


 Click here
hp?token=f2d_1284588370%26embed=1


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                                 Monumental Decision

Queen: Philip, one has come to a monumental decision.

Philip: Not again Liz! Last time you did that we ended up having Edward.

Queen: No! I'm going to dissolve parliament, all these money grabbing
bastards running the country.

Philip: What! Who is going to bloody run it then?

Queen: We are. The whole family!

Philip: What like the f**king Mafia?

Queen: Look you can run the Foreign Office, you're good with Johnny
foreigner.

Philip: True.

Queen: And we have natural leaders for every job in the cabinet - Charles
can handle the environment, Zara can do sport and of course Harry can
handle immigration policy!

Philip: Actually on reflection it's a great idea!

Queen: Too right it is. Now Windsor or Balmoral?

Philip: What about them?

Queen: For the second home allowance!


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                                        Quickies

I dialed a number and got the following recording: "I am not available
right now, but Thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some
changes in my life. Please leave a message after the Beep. If I do not
return your call,
You are one of the changes."

( I LOVE THIS ONE! ) My wife and I had words, But I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~ Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time You're old enough to know your way
around, you're not going anywhere. ~~~~~ God made man before woman so as
to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

~~~~~ I was always taught to respect my elders, But it keeps getting harder
to find one. ~~~~~ Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him. Wife says "If you behave like this,
you will lose ALL your friends!"

*******************************************

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic? Stress is when
wife is pregnant, Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and Panic is
when both are pregnant.

****************************************

Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?

Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mum fainted, dad got
a heart attack & our driver ran away.

*********************************************************

A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and
confidential?"

Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over
there,
is also my son, that's confidential."

*********************************************************

Nominated as the best short joke this year...

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. "Mom"
he asked, "are these my brains?" "Not yet," she replied.


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                            A Man's Retirement Vacation

A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation.
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of
his life, that is, until the ship sank. He soon found himself on an island
with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most
gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he
asks,
"Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the next island where I had landed when my
cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with
you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw
material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree
branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and
stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the
island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that
if
I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron
I used that to make tools and used the tools to

make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says. So, after a short time of rowing,
she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he
nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to an
exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the
man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.

As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call
it home. Sit down, please. "Would you like a drink?

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another
drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you
like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down
on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual stories, the
woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would
you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom
upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom.
There is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a
hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. What's next?

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on
tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of
gardenias.
She then beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins
suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many
months. You must have been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel
like doing right now, something you've been longing for, right?" She
stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..."he swallows excitedly as
tears start to form in his eyes,".

You've built a Golf Course?"


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                                The advertising dollar

The CEO of Ingham's Chicken manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at
the Vatican. After receiving the Papal blessing, he whispers,"Your
Eminence,
we have an offer for you. Inghams is prepared to donate $100 million
dollars to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this
day our daily bread' to, 'give us this day our daily chicken.'

The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord.
It must not be changed." Well," says the Ingham's man, "we anticipated your
reluctance. For this reason, we will increase our offer to $300 million
dollars. All we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us
this day our daily bread to 'give us this day our daily chicken.'

Again, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible. For the prayer is
the word of the Lord and it must not be changed."

Finally, the Ingham's guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Inghams respect your
adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer.

We will donate $500 million dollars - that's half a billion dollars - to
the
Catholic church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us
this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken.' Please
consider it."

And he leaves. The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.
"There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news." "The good
news is that the Church will come into $500 million dollars." "And the bad
news,
your Eminence?" asks a Cardinal. "We're losing the Tip Top Account."


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                                   Haunting melody

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe... as it
happens,
near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather
deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see
the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob
attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes
into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over
at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head
bleeding!
Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her
medical assistance.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a
short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming
from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately
blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been
in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please
use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master
is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!" Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have
misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is
many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training.
I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob
following closely.. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses
from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining
table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are
serious,
Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to
no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps
to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he
has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost
haunting melody fills the house. Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab
tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's
hand twitch,
keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm
begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob
both sit up straight! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs
to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:

"Master, Master!..... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"


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                                  Because I'm a Man...

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a
coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling my roadside service
provider is not an option... I WILL win.
______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the
hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another
man shows up, one of us will say to the other, 'I used to be able to fix
these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't
know where to start.' We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind,
as a form of holy communion _______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and
take care of me tenderly while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You
never get as sick as I do. So, for you, this is no problem.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the
store, like beer, milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find things like
exotic cheeses or tofu. For all I know, they are the same thing.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist
on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as
much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand
while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show
looking for it.... Though one time I was able to survive by holding a
calculator.....
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The
true answer is always either s*x, cars, s*x, sports, or s*x. I have to
make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother
come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more
than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't
need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances
are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't. And, if you're feeling
amorous afterwards, then I will certainly remember the name and recommend
it to others.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you
were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too... either pair of shoes is
fine.
With the belt or without it. Everything looks fine. Your hair is fine. You
look fine. Can we just go now?
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2010, I will share
equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the
cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.... like
wandering around in the garden with a beer in my hand, wondering what to
do.

(This has been a public service message for women to better understand
men.)


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


 A boy walks into kitchen to find parents having s*x, the dad looks at the
boy and winks. that night the father finds the boy in his bedroom having
s*x with his nana, the boy rolls over, winks and says "not so funny when
it's your mum is it".


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                          Musing

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big d*ck or a good memory... I
don't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a s*x object. Every time you ask for s*x, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings....'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't'
and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on
earth.

7. There are three stages of s*x in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly,
and Try Weakly..

8. Virginity can be cured.

10. Having s*x is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner,
you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone s*x once, but the holes in the dialer were too small...

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss? A: The same thing as a French kiss, only
down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy
with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life? A: Life sucks,
job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don't
have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men
still sleep with their wives!!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Greatest Halloween Card Ever
 Click here

Mrs. Mac's Famous Beef Pies
 Click here

2010-2011 FIRST WHITETAIL OF THE YEAR  [R]
 Click here

Troppo carino
 Click here

Aircraft Quiz?
 Click here

The add that annoyed coca-cola
 Click here

Montana shootout, wild stuff!
 Click here

These are PAINTINGS, NOT photos
 Click here

Could you do this?
 Click here

Tulips - magnificent
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Silence of the lambs?
 Click here

How to Respond to an Obscene Hand Gesture
 Click here

MARX BROTHERS' PIANO DUET-Marvelous
 Click here

Service Stations of the 20's
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Back to school
+++ File links:
 Click here

E*S*P*E*C*T*A*C*U*L*A*R*
 Click here

Sea Bomb
 Click here

What a retard
 Click here

Lutheran Airlines
 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Quote of the Week:


 “The Democrats think Republicans are stealing elections. The Republicans
   think Democrats are stealing elections. And those of us independent of
   the two old parties know they are both right.”


                                       – US Independent Candidate, Kevin
Zeese


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-end-_.___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___



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