Friday humour - October 29, 2010

[from Steve at Bluehaze]

This week's collection comes courtesy of Biggus, Burnout, Burnout, Liz,
seagull, Stumpy Steve, Whizzbang and the anonymi.

Enjoy.

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A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a date at her
parent's home.

I'd scr*ped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.

She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp c*cktail, Lobster,
Champagne.

I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?"

"No," she replied, "but my mother's not expecting a bl*w job tonight."

I said, "Enjoy."

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 1.  I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I
stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
 2.  Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and
beat you with experience.
 3.  I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not
screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
 4.  Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in
a garage makes you a car.
 5.  The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
 6.  Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.
 7.  If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
 8.  We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
 9.  War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
 10. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in
a fruit salad.
 11. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed
to tell you why it isn't.
 12. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is
research.
 13. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train
stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
 14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?
 15. Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but
you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
 16. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can
train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
 17. I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
 18. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars
but check when you say the paint is wet?
 19. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and
50 for Miss America ?
 20. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
successful man is usually another woman.
 21. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
 22. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to
skydive twice.
 23. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
 24. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
 25. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way
that you will look forward to the trip.
 26. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you
wish they were.
 27. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live
with.
 28. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
 29. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
 30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire
Department usually uses water.
 31. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
 32. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you
hit the target.
 33. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
 34. Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no
imagination whatsoever.
 35. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as
when you are in it.
 36. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people
have more than one child?
 37. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

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New Hobby - Shooting an Anvil
 Click here

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The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti
homini" - Blessed be mankind.

A women's rights group approached the pope the next day. They noticed that
the pope had blessed all of mankind, but not womankind.
So the next day, after his sermon, the pope concluded by saying, "Tuti
homini, et tuti femini" - Blessed be mankind and womankind.

The next day, a gay-rights group approached the pope. They said that they
noticed that he had blessed mankind and womankind, and asked if he could
also bless those who are gay.

The pope said, "Sure."

The next day, the pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti homeni, et tuti
femini, et tuti fruiti."

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A man was in a queue in Tesco and sees a busty blonde staring at him.
"Excuse me, do I know you?" he said. "Yes, I think you're the father of
one of my children," she replies. The man thinks back and remembers his
one act of infidelity. "Bloody hell you're the bird I shagged on my stag
night, whilst your mate whipped me and stuck a brush up my ar*e." "No" she
replies, "I'm your son's
English teacher!"

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David Beckham at a management seminar: "I like them cos they make my breath
fresh." There's a stunned silence, then someone shouts:
"Tactics you stupid twat!"

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A guest in a posh hotel comes down to breakfast and called over the head
waiter and read from the menu "I'd like one under cooked egg so that it's
running, and one over cooked egg that it's tough and hard to eat. I'd also
like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter
straight from the freezer so that it's impossible to spread, and a pot of
very weak, lukewarm coffee." that's a complicated order sir, said the
bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult." The guest replied
sarcastically,
"It can't be that difficult because that's exactly what you brought me
yesterday!"

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Man said to wife: "Right you s*xy thing, upstairs, now!"

She looked at him and said: "Ooh, you horny bastard"

He said: "No, seriously, the footy's starting, f*ck off!!"

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Don't put up with any cr*p!
 Click here

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Making do with what you have
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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Creative bag makers ...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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Male Sensitivity Test

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:

A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've
both shared:

A. Your views about what you expect from a s*xual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You time your orgasm so that:

A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Centre.

4. Passionate, spontaneous s*x on the kitchen floor is:

A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had s*x with is:

A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month.
You tell her that it is:

A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to s*x as:

A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at
the end of a relationship?

A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

A. Needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

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What was he thinking?????
 Click here

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Your boss's office and yours....
 Click here

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Happy Halloween all!
 Click here

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Maxine's Halloween
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Farming Under the Influence
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Invisibility cloak
 Click here

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+++ Subject: Bears destroy campsite. Chased off by camper's dog!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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Failures
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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This is what happens when you get second hand clothes and have no idea what
is written on them:
 Click here

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What is this made of?
 Click here

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A Lack of Communication? [XXX]
 Click here

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Best dog ad
 Click here

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What a stressful job!
 Click here

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Ten bad boyfriends
 Click here

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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