Friday humour - October 08, 2010



[ from Davo @ Bluehaze ]


G'day


Last week's FH editor, Digi Steve, mused ...

"For those of us who aren't rusted on, indoctrinated since birth, fanatic,
 alternative dismissing AFL addicts, this week has been a huge joke. How 
can any self respecting sports code have a TIED GRAND FINAL. Its supposed 
to be a GRAND FINAL, not a GRAND FINAL dress rehearsal, or a GRAND FINAL 
practice. No other code anywhere in the world comes back a week later to 
do it again! I am gob-smacked. Cant you all see the rest of Australia, and
 the world, laughing at you? Nuff said (nuff nuff nuff)."

This scribe says:

Get over it!  There's only been three drawn Grand Finals in 114 years. 
They are special and need to be replayed.

What other codes do is their affair.  In fair dinkum Aussie Rules football
it's a tradition to reassemble after a Grand Final draw and go through it
all again the following week.

It's great for the City of Melbourne, the TV networks, and the Australian
economy.

It was great for the Collingwood Football Club too!!    :)


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First up one from you know who you are ...

                                        Grandpa

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3
year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for
sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit,
cereal and pop in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled
voice,
"Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay,
William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in
there,
boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and
Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy,
don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his
groceries and the boy into the car.

She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were
amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept
your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just
calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you
as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William . .. . the little
bastard's name is Kevin."


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From Mad Mick from Markwick
[ who says: Ps.... why have we got the Rand over here right now?  No one is
safe!! ]


                       Survey by Thomas Cook and ABTA

This was sent from Thomas Cook Holidays - listing some of the guests'
complaints during the season.

"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does
not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often
needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."

"On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every
restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring
our swimming costumes and towels."

A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted
a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant
beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".

A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in
by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the
back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.

"The beach was too sandy."

"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure
shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and
strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined
as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street
trader,

only to find out they were fake."

"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were
startled."

"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It only took
the

Americans three hours to get home."

"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends'
three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee
hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"

"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The
food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."

"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests
before we travel."

"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a
double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find
myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the
room that we booked."


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This came from New Forest Robin

                                         Airport

This bloke is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport. A
beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He
decides that because she's wearing a uniform she's probably an off-duty
flight attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by
identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto: "We love to fly
and it shows."

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto: "Winning the
hearts of the world."

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto:
"Going beyond expectations."

The woman looks at him sternly and says: "Just what the f*ck do you want?''

"Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face: "Ryanair."


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From Nottingham Smithie

         Global Warming video. (Graphic violence my ar*e)

If this is the sort of cr*p that the "Global Warming" crowd thinks is funny
then we are in a lot more trouble than I thought we were. Check out this
video but be warned that it contains graphic special effects.

 Click here
ning-graphic-imagery/?playlist_id=86858

That is the message I got with this - clearly the writer does not
appreciate satire, whoever filmed this achieved his goal, he got people
talking about it.

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This stuff came from Sack

                                  Telepathic Watch

An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive
woman.. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a
moment.

The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'

'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just
testing it..'

The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch? ''What's so special
about it?'

The Aussie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'

The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'

The woman giggles and replies 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing
panties!'

The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says, ' Bloody thing's an hour fast!'


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                                   Job Applicants

A young man named Mike applied for an engineering position at a
Newfoundland firm based in St, Johns. A Mainlander applied for the same
job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to
take a test by the department manager. Upon completion of the test both
men had only missed one of the questions.

The manager went to Mike and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've
decided to give the Mainlander the job."

"And why would you be doing that?" asked Mike. "We both get 9 questions
correct. This bein' the rock and me being a Newfie, I should get the jab!"

"We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question
you missed."

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

"Simple," replied the manager. "On question # 5, the Mainlander put down,
'I don't know.' You put down 'Needer do I.'"


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                                         GCSE exam

The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in the U.
K.

These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)...

Q. Name the four seasons A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink A.
Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants
like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them
perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans A. The tides are a fight between the
earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there
is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun
joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on A. If you are buying a
house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections A. Very important.
S*x can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs
(Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q. What happens to your body as you age A. When you get old, so do your
bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty A. He says goodbye to his
boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination A. When the farmer does it to the bull
instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but
brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e. g. The abdomen) A.
The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the
abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the
heart and lungs and the abdominal

cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U (What the *!!*???)

Q. What is the fibula? A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean? A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control A. Most people prevent
contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section' A. The caesarean
section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure? A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I
had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness A. When you are sick at the airport.
(Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A.
Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its
meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
(OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean? A. Benign is what you will be after
you be eight

Q. What is a turbine? A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head


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QA quickie from Seasoldier

                                     Listen Up

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on
'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to his first year medical students.

Realising this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to
lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what
your ar*ehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

'Probably out fishing with his mates!' She replied,

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom


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These are from Stumpy Steve

         A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates..

He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet
Mohammed. Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a
beard.

"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.

"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder
that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder
in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he
meets another bearded man.

He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder
and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another
man with a beard.

Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up."

Mohammed higher than Jesus!

The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever
higher. Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a
beard and repeats his question:

"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from
all his climbing.

"No my son..... I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"

"Yes, please, my Lord."

God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:

"Hey Mohammed, two coffees !!!!"


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                                  A quick question....

This should be an easy quiz for those who have even a modic*m of knowledge
about aircraft. The answer, however, may surprise you.

"What is the primary advantage of rotary-winged aircraft over fixed-winged
aircraft?"

I got it wrong, too!


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              Hard to believe but.... Interesting piece of history.

In 1572 the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1573 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out
of the goat first.

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I bet Tony Curtis wishes he'd kept quiet when the Grim Reaper turned up and
asked who's Spartacus?


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Finally from Whizzbang

                             POOF!  AND MORE POOF!

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an Aussie are all
walking together one day..

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says
the
Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the
land to be forever fertile in Canada '

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever
fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine
, Iraq and Iran so that no infidel, Americans, Australians or Canadians can
come into our precious land.'

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall
around those countries.

The Aussie says, 'I am very curious.

Please tell me more about this wall'

The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and
completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in or out; it's
virtually impenetrable.'

The Aussie sits down on his Harley , cracks a beer, lights a cigarette,
smiles and says,

'Fill it with water.'


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The AV stuff now from Whizzbang, Burnout, Seasoldier, Anatinus, Digi Steve,
Nottingham Smithie, Sack, Cartographer Chris, Diks, and Mad Mick from
Marwick.

Bags
 Click here

Mind bending photos...
 Click here

At Last ....Women Are Allowed to Drive in Saudi
 Click here

Canadian Postal truck
Who said the Canucks don't have a sense of humor............
Canadian postal workers decided to have a little fun.  They rigged a van so
that the people on the driver's side could only see the driver....who is a
dog.  The real driver, who is on the passenger side, cannot be seen. 
Partway down the street in a residential area the van stops and a man
(obviously in on the deal) approaches the driver (the dog) and starts
giving him directions, as though the dog is lost.  This is cleverly done.
 Click here

A sign of the times??
 Click here

Um...what?
 Click here Click here Click here

Some fancy ones here
 Click here

Six coins in the fountain ....
 Click here

Wife Beating Etiquette
 Click here

Deer with double antlers
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Cats  -  and CATS  -- and more Cats !
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

A dog named Faith
This dog was born on Christmas  Eve in the year 2002. He was born   with   
  2    legs - He  of course could not walk when he was born.
Even his mother did not want him.
His first owner also did not think that he could survive and he was
thinking of 'putting him to sleep'.
But then, his present owner, Jude Stringfellow, met him and wanted   to
take care of him.   She became determined to teach and  train this little
dog to walk by  himself.
She   named him 'Faith'.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

I can relate....
 Click here

How to Correctly hold on in a Moving Train
 Click here

Youaintnojamesbondbaby
 Click here

I will never complain about the size of my garage again
 Click here

How do YOU test your airbags
 Click here

Chinese Chair
 Click here

Topless Babes [ XXX ]
 Click here

From the air
 Click here

I Don't Need No Trailer
 Click here


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Quote of the Week:


 "We had a second chance and I knew the pressure the boys would
  put on was unbelievable.  Everyone played their part."


                                   Collingwood FC Champion - Harry O'Brien


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[ End friday humour ]

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