Friday humour - October 01, 2010

[from Steve at Bluehaze]

For those of us who aren't rusted on, indoctrinated since birth, fanatic,
alternative dismissing AFL addicts, this week has been a huge joke. How
can any self respecting sports code have a TIED GRAND FINAL. Its supposed
to be a GRAND FINAL, not a GRAND FINAL dress rehearsal, or a GRAND FINAL
practice. No other code anywhere in the world comes back a week later to
do it again! I am gob-smacked. Cant you all see the rest of Australia, and
the world, laughing at you? Nuff said (nuff nuff nuff).

This week's crop come to you courtesy of Biggus, Burnout, Cartographer
Chris, Digi Maria, Diks, Duke of Barsinov, KRP, Mitta,
Nottingham Smithie, Stumpy Steve, Wellington Ben, Whizzbang, and the
ever-valuable anonymi.

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Carson in Garden of Eden with Betty White. Worth the effort...
 Click here

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The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a
mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by
greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask
over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black
leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said,
'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love
all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a
raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and Mask over my eyes. When I
opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we
had wild s*x all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, Black stockings,
stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he
said, "What's for dinner, Zorro?"

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Will Ferrell's Landlord "Pearl"...
 Click here

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High school friends ... a touching story.

Donna, Lois, and Betty haven't seen each other since High School.

They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for
lunch.

Donna arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot
Grigio. Lois arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. She joins Donna in
a glass of wine. Then Betty walks in, wearing a faded tee-shirt, blue jeans
and flip-flops. She too shares the wine.

Donna explains that after high school and graduating from Princeton, she
married Loren, with whom she has two beautiful children.
Loren is a partner in one of New York 's leading law firms. They live in a
4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue. They have a second home in Phoenix.

Lois relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a
surgeon. Her husband, Bill, is a leading Wall Street investment banker.
They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples,
Florida.

Betty explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her sailor
boyfriend, Frank. They run a tropical bird park on Camano
Island and grow their own vegetables. Frank can stand five parrots, side by
side, on his tallywacker.

Halfway through the third bottle of wine, Donna blurts out that her husband
Loren is really just a cashier at Walmart. They live in a small apartment
and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby a storage facility.

Lois, encouraged by her friend's honesty, explains that she and Bill are
both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Port
Orchard and take vacation camping trips to Belfair State Park.

Betty confesses the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

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Divorce vs murder

A respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked†up to †the
pharmacist,†looked straight into his eyes, and said, †'I†would like to buy
some cyanide.'†

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you†need †cyanide?'†

The lady replied, 'I need it †to poison my†husband.'†

The †pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy!†I
can't†give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's†against the law!†I'll
lose my license! They'll †throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad
things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any†cyanide!'
†††
The lady reached into her purse and †pulled out a†picture of her husband
in†bed with †the pharmacist's wife.†The pharmacist looked at the picture
and replied,†'Well now, that's†different. You didn't tell me you had
a†prescription.'†††

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Hashima Island
 Click here

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Fifty-one years ago

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was
drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That
afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the
Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army is still
looking for Herman after 51 years.

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Golden wonder has announced that for every multipack of nik naks sold 50%
of profits shall be donated to the Pakistan flood appeal.
The aim is to provide rain coats and temporary housing for the victims. The
nik nak paki mac give a wog a home scheme starts Monday.

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New Zealand All Blacks training video:
 Click here

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Waxing

One of women's dilemmas -- Getting rid of unwanted hair -- One woman's
story:

All methods have tricked me with their promises of easy, painless removal:
the Epilady, the standard razor, the scissors, the Nair,
the EpilStop, and now The Wax.

My night began as any other normal weekday night. I came home, fixed dinner
for my family and got everyone settled for the night.

I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next
couple hours: maybe I should use that wax in my medicine cabinet.

I made sure no one would need me and I could head for the bathroom in
peace.

It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just
rub the clear strips in your hand, peel them apart, press it on your leg
(or wherever). No muss, no fuss. How hard can this be? I mean, I'm not the
girliest of girls but I'm mechanically inclined so maybe I can figure out
how this works.

You'd think.

So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other,
stuck together. I'm supposed to rub it in my hand to warm and soften the
wax. I go one better. I pull out the hair dryer and heat the SOB to ten
thousand degrees.

Cold wax, my ass. (Oh, how that phrase will come back to haunt me).

I lay the strip across my thigh. I hold the skin around it and pull. OK, so
it wasn't the best feeling in the world, but it wasn't bad.

I can do this! So with my next wax strip, I'll move north.

After checking on my beloved family again, I sneak into the bathroom for
The Ultimate Hair Fighting Championship.

I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same
procedure, I then apply the wax strip across the right side on my bikini
line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching up into the
inside of the right ass cheek. (Yeah, it was a long strip).

I inhale deeply. I brace myself.

RRRIIIIPPP!!!! I'm blind from the pain!

Vision returning. Oh cr*p. I've managed to pull off half an inch of the
strip.

Another deep breath. And RIIIP!! Everything is swirly and tie-dyed. Do I
hear crashing drums?

OK, coming back to normal again. I want to see my trophy -- my wax covered
pelt that caused me so much agony. I want to revel in the glory that is my
triumph over body hair.

I hold the wax strip like an Olympic gold medallist. But why is there no
hair on it? Why is the wax mostly gone?

Where could the wax go, if not on the strip?

Slowly, I eased my head down, my foot still perched on the toilet.

I see hair -- the hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I feel.

I am touching wax.

I look to the ceiling and silently shout. Nooooooo!!

I peel my fingers off the softest, most sensitive part of my body that is
now covered in cold wax and matted hair, and make the next big mistake --
up until this point, you'll remember, I've had my foot on the toilet.

I know I need to move, to do something.

So I put my foot down on the floor. And then I hear the slamming of the
cell door.

Vagina? Sealed shut.

Ass? Sealed shut.

A little voice in my head says, "I hope you don't have to sh*t anytime
soon. Your head just might pop off."

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying desperately to figure out what I
should do next.

Hot water!

Hot water melts wax! I'll run the hottest water I can stand and get in.

The wax should melt and I can gently wipe it away, right?

Wrong.

I get in the tub -- the water is slightly hotter than is used to torture
prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment -- and I sit.

Now the only thing worse than having your goodies glued together is having
them glued together and then glued to the bottom of a tub.

In scalding hot water.

Which, by the way, does not melt the cold wax.

So now I'm stuck in the tub -- literally!

I call my friend, Liz, because she once dropped out of beauty school so
surely she has some secret knowledge or trick to get wax off skin.

It's never good to start a conversation with "So my ass and vagina are
stuck to the tub."

She wants to know exactly where the wax is on the ass. "Are we talking
cheek or hole, here?" she asks. She isn't even trying to hide the giggles
now.

I give her the run-down of the entire night.

She tells me to call the number on the side of the box, but to have a good
cover story for where the wax actually is.

"You know that if we were working the help line at XX Wax Co. and somebody
called with their entire crack sealed shut we'd just put them on hold then
record the conversation for everyone we know. You're going to end up on a
radio show or the internet if you tell them the truth."

While we go through various solutions, I have resorted to scr*ping the wax
off with a razor.

Boy, nothing feels better to the girlie goodies than covering them in wax,
sticking them to a tub in super hot water and THEN dry shaving the sticky
wax off!

In the middle of the conversation (which has inexplicably turned to other
subjects!) I find the lotion provided with the wax to remove the excess.

I rub some in and start screaming "It's working! It's working!"

I get hearty congratulations from Liz and we hang up.

I successfully remove all the wax and notice, to my dismay, that the hair
is still there.

So I shaved the damned stuff off.

Hell, I was numb by that point anyway.

I put the box of wax back in my medicine cabinet. Never know when a
moustache might start to come in.

Tonight, I attempt hair dying.

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Never Lose Your Grandson!

A heart-warming story.

My small grandson got lost at the mall, he approached a uniformed security
guard and said, I've lost my grandpa!"

"The guard asked, "What's he like?"

The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Jack Daniels and
women with big tits."

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One very lucky kid. God was definitely looking out for him.

I assisted at this accident yesterday north of Deer Lodge on I-90. The
driver was approx. 22 year old guy heading east to College.
He had left central Washington early in the morning. He fell asleep at the
wheel and drifted off the shoulder hitting the end of the section of guard
rail.

The guard rail came through the right headlight, engine compartment,
firewall, glove box, passenger seat, rear seat and exited out the driver's
side rear window. That is 120 LF of guard rail that threaded through the
suburban.

No passengers and the driver was not injured.

I am sharing this as a reminder to all about NOT driving when you shouldn't
be behind the wheel (drinking, texting, distracted or just plain tired).
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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 Click here

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Unfortunately, due to a recent stroke, my left side is now completely
useless.

I now refer to it as my feminine side.

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Mum help!
 Click here

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BIG Movers
 Click here

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Aussies are good people!

A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting on the patio, drinking beer and
watching my wife mow the lawn.

Sheila from next door saw us and was so upset that she came over and yelled
at me, "You lazy pr*ck! Sitting there drinking beer while your poor wife
pushes that ancient lawn mower around! Get up off your fat ar*e and give
her a break!"

I thought 'Sh*t women!' Took another swig from my stubby, wiped the cold
foam from my lips, lifted my sunnies, stared directly at this nosey cow
and told her in no uncertain terms to sod off and mind her own business. I
told her my wife had green fingers and that she really enjoyed gardening.

After a few days I felt really bad, so I went out and bought her a ride-on
mower to show my sensitive side. I'm really proud of the deal I got and
also very proud that my wife can now sit down while mowing the lawn. Yes
guys, we should take good care of our wives... then maybe they'll take
good care of us.

I've attached a picture below ... hope it comes through OK
 Click here

I KNOW.I'M TOO BLOODY SOFT WITH HER. SHE'LL PROBABLY WANT GEARS ON IT
NEXT!!

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When it's OK to use the "F" word
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Major event Tickets selling very fast

I have four extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel's (son of Evil Knievel)
event next weekend in Melbourne, if anybody wants them.

Robbie is going to try to jump over 1,000 COLLINGWOOD supporters with a
Caterpillar D-9 bulldozer.

Should be a good time.

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Sign of the times
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Friends of Irony
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Trucks ...
 Click here

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It looks like it!
But can it be?..
Is it?
I'm still battling to understand ...
What the hell is she eating? [Xish]
 Click here

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Don Marco was born in Northern Minnesota in the late 1920's. His interest
in art was evident even before starting school. As a young adult in the
Army Air Corp, he began his life's career in Air Traffic Control, which
continued until his retirement from Honolulu
International Airport in 1973... Much of his spare time was spent as a
professional artist. Before retirement, Don started developing a technique
to create fine art, using Crayola Crayons. Shortly after retiring, he
published his first print. Living in
Southern California, his work was in demand, including commissions from
Burt Reynolds and a one-man show at his Dinner Theatre in
Florida ...

Hard to imagine these are done with crayons!!!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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Clever ...
 Click here

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Mum, How are you?"
"Hi Julie, where are you? I thought you were with your father at Bunnings."
"Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone call."
"What happened?"
"Oh, I punched this Aboriginal woman in the head."
"What on earth, why did you do that?"
"Well it wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a Black & Decker."

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Ruined photos
 Click here

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More motivations ...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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The art of sleeping in a box ...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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Strange Noises
 Click here

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The Circus Strong man!

In an interview with an 85 year old retired Circus Strong Man, it was asked
what was his greatest feat of strength.

He told of the times he was the Star Act in a BigTop Show in Paris, and his
closing trick was to bend an one inch thick iron bar around his erect
penis.

The interviewer was amazed, but before she could ask another question the
old Strong Man sadly lamented, "You know, I'm not able do that any more."

The grinning, but very polite interviewer said in a restrained, and
innocent tone of voice, "Oh no, why is that then?"

To which the sentimental old Strong Man explained, "My wrists have gone."

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Have a look at the strength and balance on these Chinese dancers!
 Click here

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Iíve just downloaded the Koran. If you like, I can burn a copy for you.

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The World's leading Wasp Expert..

Is walking around the Ladbroke Grove area when he notices in the window of
Rough Trade a record for sale called "Top 40 Wasp anthems - The Best Sound
in Wasps".

The Leading Wasp Expert promptly entered the shop and asked if he could
have a listen to the record.

"I'm the Worlds Leading Wasp Expert; I just wanted to see if I could
recognise any of the wasps on the recording".

The man behind the counter obliged and the Wasp Expert donned some
headphones and started to listen.

Very quickly the Wasp Expert become distressed. He didn't recognize any of
the wasp buzzes. He started to panic and seriously doubt himself as the
world's leading expert in wasps.

After the record stopped he took off his head phones, thoroughly defeated
after not managing to recognize a single one. He turned to the man in the
shop and said, "Its so embarrassing, I had no idea what species any of
those wasps were".

The man came from behind the counter, took a look at the record. "Oh don't
worry" He said, "You've been listening to the Bee side"

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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