Friday humour - September 17, 2010

From Burnout @ Bluehaze.

This weeks attractive contributions come from: Anonymous, Burnout,
Cartographer Chris, Diks, Duke of Barsinov, Kaos_reflex, Mad Mick from
Marwick, Sack, Seasoldier, Stumpy Steve, Wellington Ben, Whizzbang,
Biggus, Digi Steve, Mitta, Nottingham Smithie, Stumpy Steve,


Subject: TOO CUTE NOT TO SHARE!


A little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the
block?'
Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.'

'What's that mean?' asked the child.

'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes to the garage and says,
'Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block?
I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.'

Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline,
and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said
'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time
round the block.'


The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the
leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'


  (YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!)


The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so
another dog is pushing her home.'


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Subject: Fwd: A golfers s*x life

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple
of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles
to himself. Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would
you be willing to give up one-fourth of your s*x life?"

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer
also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says, "Sure, " and sinks
the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to
get an eagle on this one." The same stranger is at his side again and
whispers,
"Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your s*x life?" Shrugging,
the golfer replies, "Okay".  And he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting
for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says,
"Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your s*x life?"
"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside
him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know
who I am. I'm the devil, and from this day forward you will have no s*x
life."
"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."


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Subject: Old Age


"Home Instead" is a senior's home in Omaha Nebraska. A resident, Mary
Maxwell was asked to do the invocation at their convention.


 Click here
st-medicine/


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Subject: Turban Cowboy

This might be the best idea yet!!!

Promote Tolerance...

I am appalled that so many of my friends are against the mosque near Ground
Zero.  We should allow it in order to promote tolerance.

I also propose that two gay nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque to
promote tolerance in the mosque. We could call them "The Turban Cowboy" and
"You Mecca Me Hot".

Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork and have an
open barbeque with pork ribs and across the street a very daring lingerie
store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret."  And next door, in flashing
lights,
open an Adult Toy Shop called "Camel Toeys".  I think for the purpose of
tolerance we should build accordingly around the Mosque. Indeed!

Promote tolerance!   (Everyone being tolerant....even, impossibly, Muslims.
After all, it's what they seem to demand from us.)

GOD BLESS AMERICA!


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Subject: Earth from Above a collection of aerial photography... -

 Click here


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Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door
he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red
Massey Ferguson.
 
Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first
the right welly, followed by the left.
  
He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets
his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his
corduroy trousers .
Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea
stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on
to a pile of hay.
 
'What on earth are you doing Mick' says Paddy    'Jeez Paddy, ye frightened
the livin bejasus out of me'  says an obviously embarrassed Mick, 'but me
and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department,
and the Therapist suggested I do something s*xy to a tractor . "


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A tragic story.......


On the way to their wedding a young couple were tragically killed in a car
accident.  On arrival at the Pearly Gates, they timidly approached St.
Peter, told him their sad story, and asked if they could possibly get
married in heaven.  St. Peter, looked perplexed, closed his Doomsday book,
and asked them to wait while he checked with God.  Days, weeks, then months
passed as the sad couple waited and waited for St. Peter to come back with
an answer.  While they waited they discussed deep philosophical questions
such as.... 'if they were in heaven for eternity, and were permitted to
marry, could they have a marriage contract, and was divorce allowed in
heaven?'  Finally St. Peter returned, looking bedraggled..... “Yep...” He
intoned... “You can get married in Heaven......sign in here.”  “Oh!” Just
a minute the young lady said haltingly..... “We're gonna be here for
eternity.....what if our marriage doesn't work out.....can we get a
divorce?”  St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed down the Doomsday
book.
 “What's wrong?” exclaimed the frightened couple.  “Come on!!” yelled St.
Peter..... “It took me three months to find a Priest!  Do you have any idea
how long it will take to find a lawyer!!??”

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Subject: VERY IMPORTANT Public Service Announcement!!

Please, take care of yourself.

A recent joint study conducted by the
Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that
23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.

This means that the remaining 77% are caused by as*holes who just drink
coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, yogurts, and sh*t like that.

Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol.

They cause twice as many accidents.

This message is sent by someone who worries about your well being.


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Subject: Senior discount.................


Yep.................this sounds like me.................

$5.37!

That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.

I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something
that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a
five-spot,
I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid
with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me. He
said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change
hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet? A mere child! Senior
citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with
Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I
strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.
Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of
me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter
disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind.

"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to
anyone!"


I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition,
but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still
nothing.

That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.
I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat.
Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut
on the dashboard.
Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be
leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in
the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I
reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the
restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black
nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"

All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"? At this point
I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go
straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad
came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a
drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck
by mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

He offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this
all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was
racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm
not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I
handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat
in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.

Notice the larger type? That's for those of us who have trouble reading.

P.S. Save the earth...... It's the only planet with chocolate !!!!!&
ALCOHOL


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Subject: Lou Charloff and his story of "Herschel the Magnificent Jew"


 Click here


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Subject: 5-Minute Management Course

5-Minute Management Course


Lesson 1: 

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings. 

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. 

When she opens the door, there stands Bob , the next-door neighbor.. 

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' 

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in
front of Bob , after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. 

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. 

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies. 

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes
me?' 

Moral of the story: 

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your
shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure. 


Lesson 2: 

A priest offered a Nun a lift. 

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. 

The priest nearly had an accident. 

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. 

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' 

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up
her leg again. 
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' 

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' 

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. 

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It
said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.' 

Moral of the story: 
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity. 


Lesson 3: 

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp. 

They rub it and a Genie comes out. 
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk 'I want to be in the Bahamas ,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' 
Puff! She's gone. 

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing
on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas
and the love of my life.' 
Puff! He's gone. 

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. 
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch' 

Moral of the story: 
Always let your boss have the first say. 

Lesson 4 


An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. 

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do
nothing?' 
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' 


So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a
sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. 


Moral of the story: 
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. 


Lesson 5 

A turkey was chatting with a bull. 

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey,
'but I haven't got the energy.' 
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients..' 

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. 

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. 

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of
the tree. 

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. 


Moral of the story: 
Bull Sh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. 


Lesson 6 

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. 

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize
how warm he was. 

The dung was actually thawing him out! 

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. 
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. 

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow
dung,
and promptly dug him out and ate him. 


Morals of the story: 
(1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy. 

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your   friend. 

(3 ) And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep   your mouth shut! 


   THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE 
Send this to (at least) five bright, humorous people who have enough of a
sense of humor to laugh at it!
 

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"Had this fella door knock the other day.  Said he was collecting for the
Pakistani floods & asked if I wanted to donate.  I told him no, because my
hose wouldn't reach that far."

"I am sick of every pr*ck ringing me up, just because my dog mauled a
Muslim & 2 coons.  They still don't listen when told that he's not for
sale."

I was enjoying a bit of anal with the girl the other day, when she turned 2
me & said, "Hmm mmm mmhmphmm mm hmmph!"  And I thought to myelf, "Don't you
just love duct tape."

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Subject: SR-71

Down below is a link to a YouTube video clip (play time 7 minutes approx)
where you would be able to see the take off, flight and the landing of a
Remotely Controlled Model Air Craft (Though it's a Model, it's almost 15 Ft
in length from nose cone tip of the Pitot tube to it's tail end and 9 Ft
wide between it's wing tips  approx).


It was built to the scale of the famous black fighter aircraft; SR -71,
called the "Black Bird"; by an engineer in Germany .  It looks so beautiful
!!   It has a retractable landing gear too... Amazing indeed !


Click on the link and as the video unfolds, sit back and turn the volume up
to listen to  the aircaft's noise as it soars up in the sky and lands back
perfectly.


Enjoy!!


 Click here


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 WISDOM FROM THE MILITARY

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
- Infantry Journal
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just
bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
----------- --------- --------- ---------
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never
encountered automatic weapons."
- General MacArthur
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
-  U.S. Marine Corps Gunnery Sgt.
------ ------ --------- --------- ---------
"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"Any ship can be a minesweeper.Once."
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Marine Recruit
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
"If you see a bomb technician running, keep up with him."
- USAF Ammo Troop
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"Though I Fly Through the  Valley of  Death, I Shall Fear No Evil.
For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a
helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough
power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"Even with ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying club."
----------- --------- --------- ---------
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a
pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up. The pilot dies."
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
"Never trade luck for skill."

The three most common expressions (or famous last words), in aviation are:

"Why is it doing that?"
"Where are we?"
And
"Oh Sh*T!"
----------- --------- --------- ---------
"Airspeed, altitude and brains.
Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."
------------ --------- --------- --------- -
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation;
We never left one up there!"
----------- --------- --------- ---------
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a
person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about
it."

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The Pharmacist's Monday Morning


Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained,

"It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I
had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand
an apology.


Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm
Failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and
Hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both
House and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I
was

About three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."

"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me
To open up.
I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time
The darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash
Register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.
I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and
The phone was still ringing.
When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made
Me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it.
Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got
Back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a
Rectal thermometer.

And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."


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 TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA

1. Vancouver: 1.5 million people and two bridges. You do the math.

2. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is just 5 hours from downtown.

3. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations.

4. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on.

5. Weed.


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA

1. Big rock between you and B.C.

2. Ottawa who?

3. Tax is 5% instead of the approximately 200% it is for the rest of the
country.

4. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of.

5. You live in the only province that could actually afford to be its own
country.

6. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups.


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN
SASKATCHEWAN

1. You never run out of wheat.

2. Your province is really easy to draw.

3. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours.

4. People will assume you live on a farm.

5. Daylight savings time? Who the hell needs that!


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA

1. You wake up one morning to find that you suddenly have a beachfront
property.

2. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes.

3. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter.

4. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood.

5. You can pass the time watching trucks and barns float by.


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO

1. You live in the centre of the universe.

2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump.

3.. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election.

4. The only province with hard-core American-style crime.


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC

1. Racism is socially acceptable.

2. You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbour will move
out next.

3. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada ..

4. You can blame all your problems on the "Anglo
A*#hole!"


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW
BRUNSWICK

1. One way or another, the government gets 98% of your income.

2. You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies.

3. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick .

4. Everybody has a grandfather who runs a lighthouse.


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA

1. Everyone can play the fiddle. The ones who can't, think they can.

2. You can pretend to have Scottish heritage as an excuse to get drunk and
wear a kilt.

3. You are the only reason Anne Murray makes money.


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND

1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island , you still got the
big, new bridge.

2. You can walk across the province in half an hour.

3. You can drive across the province in two minutes.

4. Everyone has been an extra on "Road to Avonlea."

5. This is where all those tiny, red potatoes come from.

6. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night.


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND

1. If Quebec separates, you will float off to sea.

2. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse.

3. The workday is about two hours long.

4. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders to your wedding.


Pass this along to Canadians who need a laugh and foreigners who can learn
something about Canada and then enjoy a good chuckle.


Let's face it: Canadians are a rare breed.


The Official Canadian Temperature
Conversion Chart


50° Fahrenheit (10° C)

· Californians shiver uncontrollably.

· Canadians plant gardens.


35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C)

· Italian Cars won't start

· Canadians drive with the windows down


32° Fahrenheit (0° C)

· American water freezes

· Canadian water gets thicker.


0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C)

· New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.

· Canadians have the last cookout of the season.


-60° Fahrenheit (-51° C)

· Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.

· Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.


-109.9° Fahrenheit (-78.5° C)

· Carbon dioxide freezes, makes dry ice.

· Canadians pull down their earflaps.


-173° Fahrenheit (-114° C)

· Ethyl alcohol freezes.

· Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg


-459.67° Fahrenheit (-273.15° C)

· Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.

· Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"


-500° Fahrenheit (-295° C)

· Hell freezes over.

· The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup


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Subject: A TV INTERVIEW WHICH WAS NEVER AIRED.


You know there are so many TV channels, each starved of new programmes.

In a rural programme for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main
cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who may
have some theories on the matter.....

The interview was as follows:

The lady reporter: " I am here to collect information on the possible
sources of Mad Cow Disease... Can you offer any reason for the disease?

The farmer stared at the reporter and said:........" Do you know that a
bull mounts a cow only one a year?"

Reporter(obviously embarrassed): 'Well sir, thats a new piece of
information...but whats the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow
disease?"

Farmer: 'And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"

Reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting
to the point?"

Farmer: 'I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing
with your t*ts twice a day....and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't
you get mad?"=

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IT'S JUST NOT MY DAY ! ! ! ! !


There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,
trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down
in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into
tears.
 "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand
to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure.  I was
late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I
found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my
wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the
gardener and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.  I
buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison
dissolve;
then you, you jack-ass, show up and drink the whole thing !  "

            " But enough about me, how's your day going ?


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Bad news for England as Switzerland name 3 glamour models and 4 prostitutes
in their starting XI

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I drove all the way to work this morning with a Police car up my ar*e -
must tell the kids to put away their toys after they've finished playing
with them.

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Fun for all....(ED)

At the end, type in any word/s you like...
 Click here


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Subject: Kiwi joke


Two Kiwis, Vern and Jeanette, are walking down a street in Bondi in
Sydney .

Vern happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that
catches his eye.
The sign said 'Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per
pair'


Vern says to his pal, ' Jeanette, look!  We could buy a whole lot of those,
and whin we get beck to InZid, we could make a fortune".
"Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay?
Just lit me do all the talking cause uf they hear our accint, they might
not be nice to us. I'll speak in my bist Aussie accint."


'No worries, smiled Jeanette, I'll keep my mouth shut.'


They go in and Vern says, 'I'll take fufty suits et $10.00 each, 100 shirts
et $4.00 each, and fufty pairs of trousers et $5.00 each.
I'll beck up my truck and...'

The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from New Zealand, aren't you?'
'Well... Yis,' says a surprised Vern. 'How the hill dud you know thet?'

The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners!'.


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One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in
despair,
he has his first meeting with the devil...

Satan: 'Why so glum?'

Guy: 'What do you think? I'm in hell!'

Satan: 'Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a
drinking man?'

Guy: 'Sure, I love to drink.'

Satan: 'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do
is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers. We drink 'til we throw
up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting
a hangover, because you're dead anyway.'

Guy: 'Gee that sounds great!'

Satan: 'You a smoker?'

Guy: 'You better believe it'

Satan: 'All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays We get the finest cigars from
all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. ;If you get cancer - no
biggie,
you're already dead, remember?'

Guy: 'Wow...that's awesome!'

Satan: 'I bet you like to gamble.'

Guy: 'Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.'

Satan: 'Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Cr*ps,
blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever.  If you go bankrupt, it
doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow.'

Guy: 'Cool!'

Satan: 'What about drugs?'

Guy: 'Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?'

Satan: 'That's right! Thursday is drug day... Help yourself to a great big
bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do
all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares.'

Guy: 'Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!'

Satan: 'You gay?'

Guy: 'No...'

Satan: 'Oooo, Fridays are gonna be tough...'

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An ad found in the Canberra Times, Personal Section:


Wanted: A tall well-built woman with good reputation, who can cook frogs
legs,
who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.

Interested?
Then please only read lines 1, 3 and 5;
still interested?
Call me at...... 8250-0327


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MEDICAL RESEARCH

Australian Medical Association researchers have found that patients needing
blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than
human blood.
It tends to make the men c*cky and the women lay better.....
Just thought you'd like to know.


BLESSED ARE THOSE WHO ARE CRACKED,

FOR THEY ARE THE ONES WHO LET IN THE LIGHT!

OK, I'll be going to my room now.


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There is a man running down the street with a naked women on his back. His
friend comes up and stops him and asks, "Why do u have a naked women on
your back?"

He replied saying, "Well, I'm going to a fancy costume party, I'm a
turtle."

His friend asks, "So why is there a naked women on your back?"

He replied, "Oh, that's Michelle!"
----------------------

Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

Customer: I keep getting inappropriate pop-ups on my computer and don't
want my wife to think that it's me.'
Advisor: 'I will remove them for you.'
Customer: 'How do I get them back when she is not in?'


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Subject: Why ARGENTINA lost the FALKLAND Islands.

 Click here

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Subject: I'll have to think about it & get back to you.................

 Click here


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Subject: Animals think.........
 Click here

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Subject: Negotiate

 Click here


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Subject: The Besler Steam Plane

 Click here


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Subject: NFL Pregame Fly over's

 Click here


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Subject: Side by side with his new bride:

 Click here


I think this is Bill Gaither, gospel singer?

*Side by side with his new bride:*


The attached video is hilarious!


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Subject: Having trouble with your computer?

 Click here


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Subject: Fw: 16 Spitfires up at Duxford this past weekend


 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here


These splendid photographs have been sent to us by one of our members
(Spitfire Association) residing in England, Peter Arnold a world renowned
Spitfire historian who also took the photographs. Peter tells us there are
now five (five) two seater Spitfires flying, although the waiting lists to
have a flight are still growing. He also thought the mirrored dumb--bell
Spitfire tail chase either side of the runway with an aero pair in between
was stunning.We agree. Thanks for sending these photos to us Peter.
Aviation museums thorughout the world will want to see these photos.
 

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Subject: Fw: New $10 coin

The Australian Government is working to introduce the new $10 coin from
2011

The way expenses are going up.................


The design likely to be selected is ......

 Click here


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Subject: For all my Kiwi mates and the wanna try something different

 Click here

 

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Subject: Following Office Circuits

 Click here


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Subject: Who needs a Ute?

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here


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Subject: Advanced Geriatric Nursing


 Click here


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Subject: Chinese Engrish


 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here


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Subject:  Her

 Click here


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Subject:  More Peculiar Julia


YOU'VE GOT TO LOVE THIS FARMER'S OUTLOOK & COMMON SENSE APPROACH TO LIFE
......


While suturing up a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand had
been caught in the gate while working his cattle, the doctor struck up a
conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Julia
Gillard, and her being our prime minister.

The old farmer said, "Well, ya know, Julia is just a Post Tortoise."

Now not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked,

What's a "Post Tortoise?"

The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come
across a fence post with a Tortoise balanced on top, that's a post
Tortoise."

The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued

to
explain. "You know she didn't get up there by herself, she doesn't belong
up

there, she doesn't know what to do while she's up there, she sure isn't
goin' anywhere, and you just wonder what kind of dumb idiot put her up
there in the first place."


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Subject: Sights you may not see twice in a lifetime......

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


  _____


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject:  Monster Crab caught in Darwin (June 2010)

Now.....that's a crab!!!

Monster crab earns time in deep freeze to chill out


THIS slumbering walloper with claws the size of an adult fist was caught
last week with some quick thinking, a gaff and an esky.


Story by ALYSSA BETTS (Northern Territory News)


June 19th, 2010
Darwinites (Northern Territory) Emily Cochrane and partner Daryl Melville
were fishing down near Dinah Beach boat ramp last week when the colossal
crustacean was spotted galloping along the sand flats.
First attempts to round him up failed.
"We tried to throw the cast net on it but it kept coming out the bottom,"
the 26-year-old Ludmilla woman said.
"So my partner hooked it up under its arm with the gaff. I held the esky
open and he threw it in before he could bite a leg or arm off."
But then, how do you get a giant, irate, finger-chopping crab out of the
esky?
"We put the esky lid in, just to give him a bit of a poke, and he punctured
a hole in it," Ms Cochrane said.
"We poured him into the deep freezer. We weren't touching him."
Thirty minutes later a dozing crab was whipped out for a few photos.
The Darwin Harbour muddy was eventually turned into dinner - cooked up with
a bit of tomato, garlic and chilli.
Ms Cochrane said they weren't worried by the health warnings surrounding
the
e-coli bloom and algae presently marinating in Darwin waters.
"We boiled it up - all the germs would've been gone," she said.
The Health Department says shellfish from Darwin's beaches shouldn't be
eaten, but that mud crabs and fish are OK as long as they're cooked
thoroughly before eating.

 Click here


 Click here


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___
Subject: I Want one??

 Click here


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Subject: Landing An A320 With Nose Gear At 90 Degrees


Look at this video. This is why I say that if you are flying with an
American. Ausie, or UK pilot, you have half a chance of making it. They
know how to fly.


Landing An A320 With Nose Gear At 90 Degrees

The nose wheel was not headed straight ahead, but was locked in the turn
position, i.e. as one would turn the steering wheel in a car to make a
super hard left turn.

The guy flying this plane had a very steady hand, and is one heck of a
pilot .. stayed right on that centre line all the way .... super, super
hard to do under the circ*mstances.
Take a look at the tyres & wheels in the last photos. Gives you a clue as
to how easy he let that nose wheel down at the very end.


 Click here


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Subject:  After 40 image

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here


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Subject:  SPITFIRE RESTORED

Royal Naval Air Station:  Sydenham (HMS Gadwall),
also called RNAS Belfast.
Ardmore Airport, just south of Auckland, New Zealand.
These test flight pictures were taken Sept 29, 2009...
After all its test flying was completed, this plane was scheduled to be
disassembled and shipped by container to Texas, USA.
The history of this particular plane (BL628) is a little 'cloudy'
(beginning in 1943),

Spitfire History says it went to RNAS(HMS Gadwall) in  Belfast, Ireland,
and then was sent out to Victoria, Australia!
It's beautiful - is it a Mark IX?

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here


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+++ Subject:  Outhouse Poem..
+++ Content:


Only those who have used an outhouse would appreciate this as much as I do.

THE OUTHOUSE POEM

The service station trade was slow
The owner sat around,
With sharpened knife and cedar stick
Piled shavings on the ground.

No modern facilities had they,
The log across the rill
Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
That sat against the hill.

"Where is the ladies restroom, sir?"
The owner leaning back,
Said not a word but whittled on,
And nodded toward the shack.

With quickened step she entered there
But only stayed a minute,
Until she screamed, just like a snake
Or spider might be in it.

With startled look and beet red face
She bounded through the door,
And headed quickly for the car
Just like three gals before.

She missed the foot log - jumped the stream
The owner gave a shout,
As her silk stockings, down at her knees
Caught on a sassafras sprout.

She tripped and fell - got up, and then
In obvious disgust,
Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
And faded in the dust.

Of course we all desired to know
What made the gals all do
The things they did, and then we found
The whittling owner knew.

A speaking system he'd devised
To make the thing complete,
He tied a speaker on the wall
Beneath the toilet seat.

He'd wait until the gals got set
And then the devilish tike,
Would stop his whittling long enough,
To speak into the mike.

And as she sat, a voice below
Struck terror, fright and fear,
"Will you please use the other hole,
We're painting under here!"

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Subject: CURRICULUM VITAE-STUDNT NUMBER 10011033256


I would hire this guy immediately, wouldn't you??

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Quote of the Week:

The chief obstacle to the progress of the human race is the human race.

- Don Marquis

And for those with an automotive interest:

 Click here



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[ End friday humour ]

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