Friday humour - September 10, 2010

[ from Davo @ Bluehaze ]


As Australia joins its friends in Britain, New Zealand, and Canada with a
minority national government, let's hope that the arrogant two party
system has left Oz forever.


First up a quickie from Allnutts

                                Those were the days

When I were a lad, me mother would send me down to t'corner shop wi' a
shilling, and I'd come back wi' five pounds o' potatoes, two loaves o'
bread, three pints o' milk, a turkey, a pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea,
an' 'alf a dozen eggs.

Yer can't do that now.

Too many security cameras!


A quickies from anonymous Dave

                 Two women were having lunch together

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic
surgery. The first woman said, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a
boob job."

The second woman responded, "Oh, that's nothing. I'm thinking of having my
as*hole bleached!"

"Whoa," replied the first woman. "I just can't picture your husband as a


From a friend of anonymous Dave

                 A good laugh, even if you're NOT over 50!

When I bought my Blackberry I thought about the 30-year business I ran with
1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos,
pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under
duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13
grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern
way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140
characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree,
Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and
something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other
program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything
except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready
to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost
every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that
in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am
supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at
Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards
was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a
little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside
that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long
time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating."
You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely
tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a
U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. well, it
was not a good relationship.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the
cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy,
the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless
phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't
figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around
digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry
baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every
time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on
something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I
check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable
bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just
say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to
stare at me with a blank look.

I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."

PS I know some of you are not over 50. I sent it to you to allow you to
forward it to those who are.


Some stuff from Burnout

                                   Joke of the Year .....

Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.


A husband says to his wife, "what would you do if I won Lotto?"

She says, "I'd take half, then leave you."

"Excellent," he replies,

"I won $12 , here's $6 - now p*ss off!"


From the Duke of Barsinov

                                        ANZ Bank

Note to self:

'Cancel credit cards prior to death!

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless
and so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!A
lady died this past January, and ANZ bank billed her for February and
March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added
late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00,
now is somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to the ANZ Bank:

Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'

ANZ:  'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still

Family Member:  'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

ANZ:  'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member:Â  So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

ANZ:  'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to
the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member:Â  'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

ANZ:  'Excuse me?'

Family Member:  'Did you just get what I was telling you …the part
about her being dead?'

ANZ:Â  'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member:  'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

ANZ:  'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still

Family Member:  'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

ANZ: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member:  'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info given)

ANZ: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member  'Sure.'(fax number is given ) After they get the fax:

ANZ:  'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can
do to help.'

Family Member:  'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just
keep billing her. I don't think she will care.'

ANZ:  'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'

Family Member:  'Would you like her new billing address?'

ANZ:  'That might help.'

Family Member:  ' Rookwood Memorial Cemetery , 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney
Plot Number 1049.'

ANZ:Â  'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member: 'Well, what the f*ck do you do with dead people on your


A short history lesson from Moose

                               Some history for you...

In 1872 the New Zealanders invented the condom, using a sheep's bladder.

In 1873 the English somewhat refined the idea by taking the bladder out of
the sheep first.


Heres some from Sack

          Life without passion is simply wasted time. - Unknown


The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having
s*x... Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the
family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that
teenagers today were very wilful and any attempt to stop the girl would
probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter
to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box
of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date,
the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying, 'Oh
Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'


A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the
preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine
sermon. Damned good!' The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you
didn't use profanity.' The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that
sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No sh*t?'


Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some
hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be
in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After
examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him
pancakes. That should solve the problem.' The next morning when the boy
arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the
middle of the table. 'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'


One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her
92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.. She became violent and
ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment,
killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder,
she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defences.

'Your Honour,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could have
s*x, he could fly.'


A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa . 'The material we put
into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years
ago.. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese
food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us
realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all
have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that
causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised
his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'


Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club
with a breathtakingly beautiful and very s*xy 25-year-old blonde-haired
woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful s*x appeal and
charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they
corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob
replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue
to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age',
Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'

Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'


Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland .. As they
stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of
cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group
a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These' she explained,
'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She
then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'

A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!


                                  Random thoughts

* "I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want
to move in with them."

* "Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is always a virtue.
Fleas are interested in dogs." --P. J. O'Rourke

* Never argue with an idiot; because people watching may not be able to
tell the difference.

*  I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the
shower first and THEN turn on the water.

*  I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

*  Bad decisions make good stories.

*  You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything
productive for the rest of the day.

*  Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want
to have to restart my collection.


                           God and ideal husbands

God and ideal husbands...

While creating Husbands, God promised Women that good and ideal Husbands
would be found in all corners of the world.

And then he made the earth round.


                            The Psychiatrist and Proctologist

Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small
town and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and
Posteriors."  The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors
changed it to read, "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy The council,
they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonics." No go.

Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Thumbs down

Then came "Minds and Behinds." Still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes." Unacceptable

So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts." Not a chance.

"Nuts and Butts?" No way.

"Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go.

"Loons and Moons?" Forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with:

"Dr.. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

Everyone loved it.



At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the
books of a local hospital. While the Tax Office agent was checking the
books he turned to the CEO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a
lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too
little left to be of any use?" "Good question," noted the CEO. "We save
them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then
they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question
had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about
all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after
setting a cast on a patient?" "Ah, yes," replied the CEO, realising that
the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question . "We
save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they
send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the
know-it-all CEO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover
foreskins from the circ*mcisions you perform?" "Here, too, we do not
waste," answered the CEO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and
send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete


Some Stumpy Steve stuff

John asks:

Why are you drinking so much?

Joe says:

Because I donated my body to science, and I am preserving it until they are
ready to use it


                                   BREAKING NEWS



A policeman spots a huge black guy dancing on the roof of a Ford car. He
radios for backup.

"What's the situation?"

"A big  nigger is dancing on a car roof!"

"You can't say that over the radio" replies the operator, "You have to use
the politically  correct terminology"

"OK" he replies, "Zulu...Tango....Sierra"


                                    GOLFING NUN.......

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She
lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior.. 'I thought this
was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We
try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented
golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day
of recreation was not relaxing?' 'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In
fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!' 'Goodness, Sister!'
gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster, Mother -540
yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green... and I hit the
drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.

And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it
hits a bird in mid-flight !'

'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't
make you blaspheme, Sister!' 'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While
I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of
the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!' ? 'Oh, that would
have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.. 'But I didn't, Mother!'
sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was
pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the
sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in
his paws!'

'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile. 'Nope,
that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk
started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk
dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws
and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest,
fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

'You missed the f*cking putt, didn't you?'


From Anonymous


Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young
husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance
policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to
have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side
underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'

Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a
spouse was $5,000..

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't
have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened
his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie
sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down
payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart
store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to
strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew
her last breath & slumped to the floor ...

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder
scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no
choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the
hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who
immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could
even leave the store ..

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole
sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless
husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...

(You're going to hate me for this ...)

'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 at WAL-MART!'

Oh, quit groaning! I don't write this stuff, I receive it from my warped
friends and then send it on to you.


From Cartographer Chris

Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a Kiwi
guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss
girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the loud
sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a
bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old Greek lady thinks: The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the
dark and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks: That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in
the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The Kiwi thinks: The Australian bloke must have groped the blonde in the
dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The Australian thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack
the Kiwi again.


From Diks

                                  200 yd gong golf shot

Aye..............the crasy Irish....................LMAO!!


More audio/vidio stuff now from Stumpy Steve, Moose, Burnout, Allnutts,
Diks, Cartographer Chris, and Whizzbang.

Gorgeous Cacti
 Click here

Wonderful memories
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

A whole lot of Redneckin going on
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

 Click here

Don't wear shorts when drinking!!
 Click here

Why the Red Sox pitchers can't throw strikes...
 Click here

What am I ?
 Click here

Religious problem
And all this fuss about keeping their heads covered!
 Click here

Do you need  glasses??
 Click here
Do you need  glasses??
Look  carefully at the picture below.
Did you see  the bare bum of the girl in the background?
If you did see that in the  picture, you need to have your eyes checked, as
that is the shoulder of the girl holding the camera.

A Collection of 'Oh s,,,!' moments
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

My new ringtone
 Click here

Risk Assesment?
 Click here

Dead Lucky
 Click here

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here


From Smithie of Nottingham

                                FATHER OF THE YEAR

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a
woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are
all of those kids yours?"

He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer

Wish I could think so quickly.







                                       LOCKED OUT

Finding a woman sobbing, saying that she had locked her keys in her car, a
passing soldier assures her that he can help.

She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight
ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens.

"That's so clever," the woman gasps.

"How did you do it?"

"Easy," replies the man.

"These are my khakis".


From Seasoldier

                           Man Killed On Golf Course

A foursome of men are waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women
are hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time.

When the fourth lady is ready to tee off, she hacks it 10 feet. On her
second shot, she whiffs it completely. She then hacks it another ten feet
and finally hacks it one more time for another five feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess
all those f*cking lessons I took didn't help."

One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it. You should
have taken golf lessons instead!"

He never even had a chance to duck. He was 73.......


Finally from good old Whizzbang

                              A Little British Humour .......

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length
looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed,
middle-aged, French woman's poodle... The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am,
may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans
are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under
that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog,
threw it out of the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be
put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans often
seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in
the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And
now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.


                            Best Irish Joke in a long Time!!!

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the
night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not
be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on
my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat
on his face. 'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts
himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,



He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to
the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and
shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep
breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the
sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

'Bi'Jesus.... I'm fockin' focked,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls
himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a
look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'. He crawls up the stairs to
his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into
the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of
coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?'

Paddy says, 'I did, Jess I was fockin' p*ssed. But how'd you know?'

'Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.'


                           Council Housing Complaints

These are genuine clips from British Council flat tenants complaining to
the Council about problems with their apartments!!

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has
fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't
take it anymore.

3. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at
6am his c*ck wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

5. I am a woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do
something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night..

6. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my

7. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped
and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color &
not fit to drink.

16. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my
knob off.

17. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is
unsightly and dangerous.

18. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third
so please send someone round to do something about it.

19. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put
his foot in the hole in his back passage.

20. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I
think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.


Quote of the Week:

In relation to Pastor Terry Jones' (of the Dove World Outreach Centre in
Gainesville Florida) commitment to on 9/11 burn copies of the Muslim holy
book to ''expose Islam'' as a ''violent and oppressive religion''.

 ''This is not the America that we all have grown to love and care
  about. We have to stand up for our Muslim brothers and sisters
  and say, 'This is not OK'.''

      - Rabbi Steve Gutow of the Jewish Council for Public Affairs.


[ End friday humour ]

 Previous (September 03, 2010)  Index Next (September 17, 2010)