Friday humour - September 03, 2010

[from Steve at Bluehaze]

I must say I am stunned that the Labor Party still hasn't worked out why
they got thoroughly spanked at the election. Either that or they do know,
but are in denial. It seems to have taken the Greens to push them
screaming and kicking back just a little closer to where they were before
the wheels fell off. Victoria's turn next ...

I also can't let this week go past without venting some over Telstra. Yep,
good old Telstra. Being one who has been very close to the inner workings
of large call centres, and what makes them what they are, I must say I was
thoroughly re-educated the other day by the total mass of utter
incompetence, confusion, inefficiency and just plain disaster that
Telstra's phone based "customer service" has become. Had I not experienced
it myself, I would not have believed that a once proud and efficient public
service organisation could have degenerated so far into the blubbering,
disconnected, complete disarray of an excuse for an organisation it has
become. I never thought I would say it, but its time for some overseas mob
to come in and take over. They wont do a better job, but at least they wont
pretend that they are. Jeeeeez ...

This weeks collection comes to you courtesy of Allnutts, Burnout, Diks,
Kaos Reflex, Mitta, Nottingham Smithie, Sack, seagull, Stumpy Steve, The
Great Gussius, Whizzbang, and the anonymi.

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A bit of history for you...

In 1872 the Kiwi's invented the condom by using a sheep bladder.

In 1873 the English refined the idea by taking the bladder out of the
sheep!

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The cat in the hat on aging ...

I CANNOT SEE
I CANNOT PEE
I CANNOT CHEW
I CANNOT SCREW
OH, MY GOD, WHAT CAN I DO?
MY MEMORY SHRINKS
MY HEARING STINKS
NO SENSE OF SMELL
I LOOK LIKE HELL
MY MOOD IS BAD...CAN YOU TELL?
MY BODY'S DROOPING
HAVE TROUBLE POOPING
THE GOLDEN YEARS HAVE COME AT LAST
THE GOLDEN YEARS CAN KISS MY ASS.

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Mary had a little lamb.

The bitch put that in a wheelie bin too.

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Six Truths in Life

1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same
time, a physical impossibility.
2. All idiots, after reading #1 will try it.
3. And discover #1 is a lie.
4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot.
5. You'll soon forward this to another idiot.
6. There is still a stupid smile on your face .

I sincerely apologize about this but I'm an idiot and I needed company.

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A lorry carrying onions on the M62 has overturned.

Police are urging motorists to find a hard shoulder to cry on.

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One day in the 1960s, when music was still made by hand, the venerable
conductor Otto Klemperer was given a tour of Abbey Road studios. "What's
this man doing?" he demanded, seeing a recording engineer with spools of
brown tape around his neck snipping tiny fragments into a master reel.
"You remember the bad horn note in the Mozart, Dr Klemperer?" said the
producer. "He's taking a good note from the rehearsal session and
inserting it into the performance." "Ein Schwindel!" cried Klemperer,
storming out into the street.

Not that there was much he could do about the scam. Ever since Thomas Alva
Edison shouted "Mary had a little lamb" into a phonograph, devious minds
have been working diligently to produce a false illusion of aural and
visual perfection. As a result, the music we hear is never quite what the
musicians make. Did you really imagine that Paul McCartney sat down with a
string quartet when he sang Yesterday? Or that the voice you hear on an
opera album is necessarily the diva's?

Kirsten Flagstad's legendary Isolde had the top notes patched in for her by
Elisabeth Schwarzkopf. Britney Spears admits to saving her voice on world
tours by miming to a ready-made vocal track. At Barack Obama's
inauguration in January 2009, all the musicians on the White House steps
were pretending to play, while the speakers boomed out a recording. The
first executive act of a new president was to condone a musical fake.

In other words, everybody's at it - so when Simon Cowell's talent show The
X Factor 'fesses up to doctoring the voices of some off-key contestants by
means of a technology called Auto-Tune, my shock register stays stubbornly
at zero. What else do you expect on TV?

Television was first caught fiddling game shows way back in 1956, when
winners of The $64,000 Question had the right answers whispered in their
ear - a deception dramatised in Robert Redford's 1994 film Quiz
Show. In Britain, ITV's Twenty-One Show was pulled in 1958 when it was
found to be comprehensively rigged.

That's what television does. Every few months, a producer is caught
massaging facts, film or audience responses. The BBC1 controller Peter
Fincham resigned after a trailer was shown of the Queen storming out of a
room that she was quietly entering. Vanessa Feltz's daytime studio used
actors in the audience. A man whose moment of death was supposedly shown
in an ITV doc*mentary actually passed away two days later. BBC scenes of
drug dealing on a Bristol estate were stitched in from a different part of
town.

These manipulations, endemic to the medium, are not always damaging to the
careers of those caught up in them. Only this week, Peter Fincham was back
in the limelight, as director of ITV, batting away questions about The X
Factor's "Auto-Tune scandal". And we, as an audience, encourage deception
by the mass media. We don't want to watch a replica of dull reality that
we can see through our own front windows. What we look for is a surrogate
thrill. None of us wants a priceless Hollywood star to break his neck
leaping from a bridge in a $200 million production; we know it's a
stuntman on an invisible harness. In magazines, the pictures are
Photoshopped to highlight some details at the expense of others, often in
less reputable publications, at the expense of the truth.

Our willingness to be conned extends to most leisure pursuits. We pretend
that the clothes we buy in high street chains are the very latest
fashions, knowing full well that they have been sketched off a Paris
catwalk, emailed to Asia and knocked up on the cheap. We cheerfully splash
£200 on a meal with ingredients no fresher than those in the fridge at
home, prepared in less sanitary conditions - and shut both eyes to
the mark-up on the wine bill. We buy branded golf clubs, never sanely
expecting to play like Tiger Woods. We connive, in other words, in being
conned.
Politicians know this, and exploit it to the hilt. One month, the nation
happily agrees that the economy is in healthy recovery; the next, that it
can only be saved by deep cuts. We blame politicians for the pain, but it
is we who sway along with the irrational mood swings.

Why we let ourselves embrace an abstract idea on the flimsiest of evidence
is a matter more for theologians than psychologists, since religious
worship amounts to the original suspension of disbelief. It may be that we
have not advanced much as a species since pagan times, when men worshipped
gods of wood and stone. The Talmud tells of an intelligent Roman senator
who was asked by a rabbi why he kept such objects in his house, knowing
that they had been manufactured by his own slaves and were functionally
inanimate. "Because sometimes you turn to them and they work," said the
senator. You could hear the same line used today about every quack remedy
in an overpriced health store.

Not for nothing do we refer to successful singers and movie stars as pop
idols. But what are we to make of it when the Pope in Rome gets so sucked
in by the Auto-Tune delusions of televisual reality that he invites the
blessed Susan Boyle to sing before him during his forthcoming visit to
Scotland? SuBo's audition on Britain's Got Talent was, it has been
reported, digitally altered, or "smoothed out", in post-production. It's
enough to make you wonder what, exactly, the Pope believes.

The intelligent response, needless to say, is to restrict trust to the
evidence of our eyes and ears and critical minds, received without the
intervention of mass media. The only voice of an angel is the one you hear
live in a hall. The only trusted image is one you engrave yourself. The
true leap of faith is the one you finally make after due consideration of
all known facts.

Otto Klemperer must have known that. Turning his back on Abbey Road and all
its tricks and tweaks, he uttered an immortal aphorism about the inferior
expectations of modern life. "Listening to a record," thundered old Otto,
"is like going to bed with Marilyn Monroe's photograph." So switch off the
X Factor Schwindel, and try to experience real life.

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The best lawyer story ... bar none.

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the
city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a
visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even
though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a
penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your
community through the United Way ?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also
show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has
huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh . . . no, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled
veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support
his wife and six children?'

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off
again.

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in
dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three
children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning
disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry, I
had no idea.'

And the lawyer says, 'So ... if I didn't give any money to them, what makes
you think I'd give any to you.

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The warm up cricket match between Pakistan and the Somerset Eunuchs has
been cancelled. Apparently there was a no ball issue

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Which 3 league teams have swear words in their names?

Ar*enal, Sc*nthorpe United and f*cking Chelsea.

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In 1923, Who Was:

1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?

These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days.

Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately
became of them.

The Answers:

1. The president of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a
pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to
die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of The Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed
suicide.

However,
In that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most
important golf tournament, The US Open, was Gene Sarazen. What became of
him? He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95. He was
financially secure at the time of his death.

The Moral:
F*ck work. Play golf.

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PUNS FOR HIGHER IQs

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - The same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - Always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? - it's a dead give-away.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you'll get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - taint yours and taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

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How to build hover shoes ;-)
 Click here

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Advanced boat crew training?
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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Sculptures
 Click here

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This is fascinating
 Click here

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Nice landing!!
 Click here

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Sliding down the banister of life...
 Click here Click here

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember
1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written An impressive new book. It's
called ... 'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink And be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and Your boss, the Pope only expects you
To kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the
bathroom.
6. I hate s*x in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink
spilled and That ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes Now, of course, there's shipping and
handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the
impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large
trash can.
10. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment... for enjoying s*x.
11. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point
the wrong way...

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An exciting collection ...
 Click here

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Notice me ...
 Click here Click here Click here

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Worst albums eve...............
 Click here

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Some sports 'World Championship rings' are so diamond-encrusted, they're
worth more than your house. (I guess I shoulda practiced harder when I was
in Little League.) Here are a few examples of championship rings from
baseball, football, and hockey.

Philadelphia Phillies
 Click here

Pittsburgh Steelers
 Click here

Pittsburgh Penguins
 Click here

Chicago White Sox
 Click here

Toronto Maple Leafs
 Click here

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Completely Honest First Date.
 Click here

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Homeland security
 Click here

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Political Humour
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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New Animal Pictures!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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Photo taken at derby pier W.A.
 Click here

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Not as filling as crab or lobster but still a crustacean of superior
flavour. Collect a quantity of the finest wood-lice to be found, and drop
them into boiling water, which will kill them instantly, but not turn them
red, as might be expected. At the same time put into a saucepan a quarter
of a pound of fresh butter, a teaspoonful of flour, a small glass of
water, a little milk, some pepper and salt, and place it on the stove. As
soon as the sauce is thick, take it off and put in the wood-lice. This is
an excellent sauce for fish. Wood-louse sauce is equal, if not distinctly
superior to, shrimp.
 Click here

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Auto parts Art.
This is the man that converts parts of cars scr*pped sculptures worth
thousands of dollars. The Australian artist James Corbett, 46-year-old
creates these sculptures using salvaged old car parts.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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I Wonder what dogs pray for?
 Click here
The intensity of the dog's face shows more sincerity than most people
achieve!

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"T" Shirts for the Elderly
 Click here Click here Click here

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New York Blackout.
These pictures were taken during the 2007 Blackout in New York by one of
the top professionals using the newest Canon Ap245zw camera. What a
wonderful job. I just can't believe how well they turned out.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Beer commercials
 Click here Click here

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Motivated!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Another South African ID.
 Click here

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Senior's bumper stickers! - I like the one about CRS!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Woman and a Fork.

There was a young woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and
had been given three months to live. So as she was getting her things 'in
order,' she contacted her Pastor and had him come to her house to discuss
certain aspects of her final wishes.

She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures
she would like read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in.

Everything was in order and the Pastor was preparing to leave when the
young woman suddenly remembered something very important to her.

'There's one more thing,' she said excitedly..

'What's that?' came the Pastor's reply.

'This is very important,' the young woman continued. 'I want to be buried
with a fork in my right hand.'

The Pastor stood looking at the young woman, not knowing quite what to say.

'That surprises you, doesn't it?' the young woman asked.

'Well, to be honest, I'm puzzled by the request,' said the Pastor.

The young woman explained. 'My grandmother once told me this story, and
from that time on I have always tried to pass along its message to those I
love and those who are in need of encouragement. In all my years of
attending socials and dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of
the main course were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and
say, 'Keep your fork.' It was my favorite part because I knew that
something better was coming ... like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish
apple pie. Something wonderful, and with substance!'

So, I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my
hand and I want them to wonder 'What's with the fork?' Then I want you to
tell them: 'Keep your fork ... the best is yet to come.'

The Pastor's eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the young woman
good-bye. He knew this would be one of the last times he would see her
before her death. But he also knew that the young woman had a better grasp
of heaven than he did. She had a better grasp of what heaven would be like
than many people twice her age, with twice as much experience and
knowledge. She KNEW that something better was coming.

At the funeral people were walking by the young woman's casket and they saw
the cloak she was wearing and the fork placed in her right hand. Over and
over, the Pastor heard the question, 'What's with the fork?' And over and
over he smiled.

During his message, the Pastor told the people of the conversation he had
with the young woman shortly before she died. He also told them about the
fork and about what it symbolized to her. He told the people how he could
not stop thinking about the fork and told them that they probably would
not be able to stop thinking about it either.

He was right. So the next time you reach down for your fork let it remind
you, ever so gently, that the best is yet to come. Friends are a very rare
jewel, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. Cherish
the time you have, and the memories you share ... being friends with
someone is not an opportunity, but a sweet responsibility.

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The Greens!
 Click here

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Expedition Titanic | Return to the Deep
 Click here

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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