Friday humour - August 27, 2010



[ from Davo @ Bluehaze ]


G'day


As the great Alan Pitts (old Woolamai surfer dude and former contract
gardener at the Asylum by the Sea) would say ...

WHAT A DEBARTICLE!!!

Last Sat*rday Australians in their droves voted for a hung parliament.

The Labor strategists are amazed as this was the election that could never
be lost.  But in its own way Labor did everything possible to hand
government to the Libs on a plate.

The Liberals' only strategy was to simply knock everything Labor had ever
done in government.  Never mind about Labor guiding Oz through the global
financial crisis and ending up in the best state of all comparable world
countries.  It was knock, knock, knock!

Oh yes - The Libs did have one visionary policy.  6 months maternity leave
for females on full pay (limited to $75,000 pa) paid for by a "temporary
levy" of Australia's richest companies that may last 10 years or more. 
Hey - but it wasn't a tax!!

Tony Abbott apparently had dreamt up this policy one night and introduced
it without even discussing or costing it with the Liberals' inner sanctum.
It's no wonder that he wouldn't submit this to Treasury for costing before
the election ... or indeed even now after the election.

I would like to have thought that middle class welfare went out when John
Howard did.

In a way the Australian election result seems extremely fair.  Neither side
deserved to win.  And it's no good Labor saying the Libs' aren't ready for
government.  Nor is it any good for the Libs to say that Labor has lost
its right to govern.  The simple fact is that the Australian people
haven't given a majority mandate for either party to single handedly run
the country.

After handing out How to Vote cards for The Greens for four hours, I was a
scrutineer for the first time.  I was amazed as to how many people
actually chose to vote informal ... simply submitting the ballot paper
they'd been given without one mark.  Of course some of the others were
quite funny.

Let's accept and embrace the verdict.  Hopefully the days of a two party
system (Tweedle Dum ... and Tweedle Dumber) are gone!  It wasn't what our
forefathers who wrote the Constitution had in mind.  Let's have
Representatives who actually "represent" the people in their electorate ...
rather than a second rate shonky political party.


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First up some offerings from Biggus


My wife has told me that my constant references to seafood are immature.

I told her to stop being so shellfish.


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I was standing in the bus queue the other day behind a pregnant lady.
Trying to appear friendly, I asked her 'When are you  due?'

It was then that I realised that she wasn't pregnant, just really fat, but
luckily I managed to cover my tracks by adding  '...for another snack?'


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This stuff is from Burnout

                                     A NIGHTMARE

In a nightmare I was looking at a mirror on the ceiling, and I discovered
that I am a Negro, wearing Muslim garb! Quickly I sat up, found my pants
and looked in the pockets to find my driver's license photo and it was
that same colour. Black. I felt myself being very depressed, downcast,
sitting in a chair. But it's a wheelchair!!

That means, of course, besides being black and Muslim, I'm also disabled!!!
I said to myself, aloud: 'This is impossible.' 'It's impossible that I
should be black and Muslim and disabled.'

'It's the pure and holy truth', whispers someone from behind me. I turn
around, and it's my boyfriend. Just what I needed!!! I am a homos*xual,
and on top of that with a Mexican boyfriend.. Oh, my God..... Black,
Muslim,
disabled, gay, with a Mexican boyfriend, drug addict, and HIV-positive!!!

Desperate, I begin to shout, cry, pull my hair, and Oh, noooooo... I'm
bald!!!

The telephone rings. It's my brother. He is saying: 'Since mum and dad died
the only thing you do is hang out, take drugs, and laze around all day
doing nothing.' 'Get a job you worthless piece of sh*t... Any job.'
Mom?...
Dad?... Nooooooooo... Now I'm also an unemployed orphan!

I try to explain to my brother how hard it is to find a job when you are:
Black, Muslim, disabled, gay with a Mexican boyfriend, are a drug addict,
HIV positive, bald, and an orphan. But he doesn't get it.

Frustrated, I hang up. It's then I realize I only have one hand!!! With
tears in my eyes I go to the window to look out. I see I live in a
shanty-town full of cardboard and tin houses! There is trash everywhere.
Suddenly I feel a sharp pain near my pacemaker..... Pacemaker? Besides
being black, Muslim, disabled, a fairy with a Mexican boyfriend, A drug
addict,
HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, an invalid with one hand, and
having a bad heart, I live in a cr*ppy neighbourhood.

At that very moment my boyfriend approaches and says to me; 'Sweetie pie,
my love, my little black heart throb, have you decided what you are going
to wear to Canberra to see Gillard?"

Say it isn't so!!! "I can handle being a black, disabled, one armed, drug
addicted, Muslim homos*xual on a pacemaker who is HIV positive, Bald,
orphaned, unemployed, lives in a slum, and has a Mexican boyfriend, but
please, oh dear God,

PLEASE DON'T TELL ME I'M A LABOR VOTER!"


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Along the same lines ...

Slap a Pollie..... Loads of fun for all the family...

 Click here


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These came from Diks

                                       One wish?

*I met a fairy today that granted me one wish. *

*"I want to live forever," I said. *

*"Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!" *

*"Fine" I said, "I want to die after the Browns win the super bowl!" *

*"You crafty bastard," said the fairy. *


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THE BEST E-MAIL I HAVE EVER RECEIVED!!!!

Click Here  target=_blank>Click here


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                                      Bridge Jumper

A Truck driver sees a girl about to jump off a bridge, so he stops.

"What are you doing?" he says.

 "I'm trying to commit suicide," she says.*

"Well, before you jump and kill yourself, would you mind giving me a
bl*wjob?"

"Well if I'm going to die anyway, I guess it's no big deal."

So, she does.

After she's finished, the trucker says, "Wow! That's a wasted talent.

Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"


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From Kaos-reflex

                                     Five surgeons

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything
inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those
guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and
when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong.
Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no
balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the
mouth and the ar*ehole - and they are interchangeable'


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This stuff came from Smithie of Nottingham

                                  Best Half Time Show

This is absolutely amazing !!!
Take your socks off before watching, or they'll be knocked off, if you
don't !!!
This is at a Navy, basketball half-time show .... Note the spectators as
the show starts and how their attitude changes as the show progresses and
concludes.....Enjoy !

          Click here


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This is a story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of
building workers. It's allegedly true and might help to confirm your
belief in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human
race. A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One
day a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.
The young family's
5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on
next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more
or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted
with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and
gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. They
even gave the child her very own hard-hat and gloves, which thrilled her
immensely. At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented
her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little
girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the
money to the bank the next day to open a savings account. At the bank, the
female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her
about her
'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier. The
little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne
and Mike. We're building a big house.'' ' My goodness gracious,' said the
cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'

The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously: 'I think so,
provided those w*nkers at Jewsons deliver the f***ing bricks.'

There now, doesn't that warm the c*ckles of your heart?


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And from Seasoldier

                        NYMPHOMANIAC CONVENTION

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced
up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat ... As fate
would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, " Business trip or
pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "" Business. I'm going to the Annual Nympho-
maniacs of America Convention in Boston ."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
business role at this convention?"

" Lecturer," she responded. " I use information that I have learned from my
personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about s*xuality."

" Really?" he said. " And what kind of myths are there?"

" Well," she explained, " one popular myth is that African-American men are
the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American
Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is
that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish
descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with
absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. " I'm sorry,"
she said, " I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't
even know your name..."

" Tonto," the man said, " Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."


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From The Great Gussius

                                      Cheap flights

Make sure you have sound

      Click here


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The Whizzbang collection

Found on the Refrigerator One Morning :

My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54
years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you
as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will
not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my
18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset----I
shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on
the dining room table:

My Dear Husband (mr robins),
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54
years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you
are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local
college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at
the Hotel
Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis
coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a
successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will
understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.


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From Seagull

HongKong at Dusk

Place your cursor at thetop of the photo. You will notice it is 6:10 PM.
Bring the mouse downslowly  over the photo without pressing the button on
the mouse. Do notright or left click.    Night time appears, thelights
come on,  and at 7:40 PM, it's dark!

             Click here


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From Trina

                                 DIVORCE AGREEMENT

THIS IS SO INCREDIBLY WELL PUT AND I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE IT'S BY A YOUNG
PERSON, A STUDENT! WHATEVER HE RUNS FOR, I'LL VOTE FOR HIM.

Dear Australian Labourites, leftists, social progressives, socialists,
Marxists and Gillard, et al:

We have stuck together since the late 1950's for the sake of the kids, but
the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want
a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of
future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its
course.

Our two ideological sides of Australia cannot and will not ever agree on
what is right for us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can
smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement: Our two groups can equitably divide
up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the
difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly
agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective
representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have
such distinct and disparate tastes.

We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to
the labour judges and the CFMEU. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take
our firearms, the cops, and the military. We'll take the nasty, smelly oil
industry and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel You can keep the ABC
left wingers and Kerry O'Brien. You are, however, responsible for finding a
bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all of them.

We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies,
Woolworths and the Stock Exchange. You can have your beloved lifelong
welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies and
illegal aliens. We'll keep the budgie smuggling, bike riding, volunteer
firemen and lifesavers greedy CEO's and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles
and give you ABC and Bollywood .

You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to
invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and
war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault,
we'll help provide them security.

We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values. You are welcome to Islam,
Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Penny Wong. You can also
have the U. N. But we will no longer be paying the bill.

We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take
every Subaru station wagon you can find.

You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors.
We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right. We'll
keep
"Waltzing Matilda" and "The National Anthem." I'm sure you'll be happy to
substitute "Imagine", "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing", "Kum Ba Ya"
or
"We Are the World".

We'll practice trickle down economics and you can continue to give trickle
up poverty your best shot. Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our
history, our name and our flag.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded
liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit
delete.
In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you answer which one of us will
need whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely, John J. Wall Law Student and an Australian

P. S. Also, please take Lindsey Tanner, Wayne Swan, Peter Garrett and Jenny
Macklin with you.

P. S. S. And you won't have to press 1 for English when you call our
country.


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From Stephen @ JokesAreUs

WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred
to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women -
she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter
from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our
store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both
of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are
doc*mented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to
leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor
that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose
time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children
shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from
the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and
screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked
the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming
the
'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by
using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed
a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of
the clerks passed out.


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To the AV stuff now and this lot was from good old Whizzbang, Sack,
Burnout,
Seasoldier, The Great Gussius, Diks, Kaos-reflex, Smithie of Nottingham,
Cartographer Chris, and you know who you are.

Your Kind Of Dog
 Click here

Angry doe attacks cat and dog      [ some may find this upsetting - Ed ]
 Click here

Picasso & his Jewish lover & photographer Dora Maar
 Click here

Laughter is the Best Medicine
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Parasailing for Idiots
 Click here

Catholic Humour
 Click here

First Aid Training - how to get men to pay attention to CPR Videos [
Straight horny males ... and lesbians only !!! ]
 Click here

Baseball..........how good are you?
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Rare photos.....some old some new
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Irish Virginity Test
 Click here

Girl quits her job on a dry erase board, emails entire office (33
Photos)Yesterday morning, Jenny quit her job with a (flash) bang by
emailing these photos to the entire office, about 20 employees we're told.
Awesome doesn't begin to describe this office heroine.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Mexican wave
 Click here

Yee Haw Tractor Square Dance
 Click here

No beer for me thanks
No wonder we beat those Germans in TWO world wars!
I don't care what taste this is, it ain't the same served this way!
Gives a whole new meaning to getting p*ssed, don't it....
 Click here

Old Pictures
 Click here

Fun on wheels [ a couple are a bit R rated ]
 Click here

Computer Problems  [ XXX ]
 Click here

Luxury camping on the Murray
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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This came from the Duke of Barsinov

                               An Irish Joke for you ! !

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After awhile, one guy
looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to
you,
that you're from Ireland .'

The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!'

The first guy says, 'So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be'?

The other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'

The first guy responds, 'So am I!'

'Sure and begorra. And what street did you live on in Dublin?

The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary
Street in the old central part of town.'

The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And
to what school would you have been going'?

The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.'

The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what
year did you graduate'?

The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can
hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can
you believe it? I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!'

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters,
'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian'?

'The Murphy twins are p*ssed again.'


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A quickie from Moose

                               Workplace humour!!!

Boss Asks Employee:"Do you believe that there is Life After Death?"

Employee:"Certainly not, there's no proof of it", he replied.

Boss:"Well, there is now.  After you left early yesterday to go to your
brother's funeral, he came here looking for you."


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From Sack

                                   Famous Mothers

COLUMBUS ' MOTHER:
"I don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written!"

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER:
"Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how
hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S MOTHER:
"All right, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, take
your hand out of there and show me."

MARY 'S MOTHER:
"I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, but I would like to
know how he got a better grade than you." THOMAS

EDISON'S MOTHER:
"Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it
off and get to bed!"

PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER:
"I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past
your curfew."

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER:
"But it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair?
Styling gel, mousse, something...?"


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Finally from Stumpy Steve


Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Steinlager.

Barman asks, "What's wrong with Steinlager?"

Bloke replies, "I had 12 pints of it last night and when I came to I was
f*cking skint."

Barman says, "But 12 pints of anything costs about the same."

Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog!"


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Quote of the Week:


   "Those are my principles.  If you don't like them I have others."


Julia Gillard???      No

Tony Abbott???    No

                                                                 -  Groucho
Marx


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[ End friday humour ]

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