Friday humour - August 20, 2010

From Burnout @ Bluehaze.

Well, by some time tomorrow you will have noticed which rabble has been
elected to govern the country, Gwad help us all.
The choice this election boarded on the criteria of the internets "Darwin
Awards". A more ridicules bunch of tossers I have ever seen - a case of a
choice between the Unspeakable or the great Morpheus.

After this edit, I'm off to do a little fishing. You have fun with it all

From: Allnutts
Subject: FW: Native American Paper Sculptures Amazing & Valuable
 Click here

These stunningly detailed sculptures may only be made from paper - but they
are being snapped up by art fans for tens of thousands of pounds. The
intricate creations depict Native American scenes and took up to 11 months
to make using a specially formulated paper
 Click here

Husband and wife team Allen and Patty Eckman put paper pulp into clay
moulds and pressurise it to remove the water
 Click here

The hard, lightweight pieces are then removed and the couple painstakingly
add detailed finishings with a wide range of tools
 Click here

They have been making the creations since 1987 at their home studio, in
South Dakota, America, and have racked up a whopping £3 million selling the
works of art
 Click here

The pieces depict traditional scenes from Native American history of
Cherokees hunting and dancing
 Click here

The most expensive piece is called Prairie Edge Powwow which sold for
 Click here

Allen said: "We create Indians partly because my great, great grandmother
was a Cherokee and my family on both sides admire the native Americans...
 Click here

...I work on the men and animals and Patty does the women and children"
explains Allen
 Click here

"I enjoy most doing the detail. The paper really lends itself to unlimited
detail. I'm really interested in the Indians' material, physical and
spiritual culture and that whole period of our nation's history I find
fascinating. From the western expansion, through the Civil War and beyond
is of great interest to me."
 Click here

Allen explained their technique: "It should not be confused with papier
mache. The two mediums are completely different. I call what we do 'cast
paper sculpture'"
 Click here

..."Some of them we create are lifesize and some we scale down to 1/6
 Click here

"These sculptures are posed as standing nude figures and limited detailed
animals with no ears, tails or hair"
 Click here

"We transform them by sculpting on top of them - creating detail with soft
and hard paper we make in various thicknesses and textures.
 Click here

"We have really enjoyed the development of our fine art techniques over the
years and have created a process that is worth sharing. There are many
artists and sculptors who we believe will enjoy this medium as much as we
 Click here

An Indian mother holding her baby is a favourite of many clients


From: Allnutts
Subject: FW: How many zeros in a billion

The  next time you hear a politician use the  Word 'billion' in a casual 
manner, think about  Whether you want the 'politicians'  spending  YOUR
tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to  comprehend, But one advertising agency 
did a good job of  Putting  that figure into some perspective in  one of 
its press releases.

A. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

B. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

C. A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.

D. A  billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.

E. A billion dollars ago was only 13 hours and 12 minutes, at the rate 
   our government is spending it.

Building Permit Tax
Cigarette Tax  Corporate  Income Tax  Income Tax GST  Fishing License Tax 
Food License Tax  Fuel Permit Tax  Petrol/Diesel Tax  Hunting License Tax
Liquor Tax  Luxury Tax  Marriage Licence Tax  Property Tax  Real Estate
Tax  Service charge taxes Capital gains Tax Social Security Tax  Road
Usage Tax Local Tax  Vehicle License Registration Tax  Vehicle Sales Tax  
Workers Compensation Tax


Not  one of these taxes existed 100 years ago...
And our nation was one of the most  prosperous in the world.

We had absolutely no national  debt...
We had the largest middle class in the world...
And Mum stayed home to raise the kids.

What  happened?

I  hope this goes around Australia at least 100 times.
What the hell happened?????


From: Anonymous
Subject: Mind-boggling info from Sony

Sony played this video at their executive conference this year.

Caution: It may leave you a little breathless ----.

 Click here


From: Anonymous
Subject: Fwd: Why Sharks Circle

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken

"Follow me, son." the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to
the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few more times with all of our
fins showing."

"Now we eat everybody."

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat
them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the sh*t


From: Anonymous
Subject: Sister Strikes Again! Late Nite Catechism 2

 Click here


From: Anonymous

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and
asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.   She took the box
and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he
was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning
in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her
about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing
in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would
the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them. Two lessons

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most people think


From: Anonymous
Subject: Owner and dog having fun at the beach

 Click here


From: Biggus
Subject: Like his mother used to do

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake,

He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,

I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.

Then I turned around and
Smacked the sh*t out of him....

Like his mother used to do.


From: Diks
Subject: Ever see a golf ball traveling at 150 MPH when it hits a solid
steel object.

 Click here


From: Diks
Subject: Grandmother of all BLONDE jokes..................

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these
Blonde jokes and how all blondes are  perceived as stupid. So, she
Decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to
Paint a couple of rooms in the house The  next day, right after her
Husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of
Paint. He walks into the living room and finds  his wife lying on the
Floor in a pool of sweat. He  notices that she is wearing a heavy
Parka and a  leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks
Her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she
Replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are
Dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She
Replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it

You'll love this...

I  know you will...


From: KRP
Subject: No Chicken Nuggets For You!

 Click here


From: Kaos_reflex
Subject: PERSONAL  AD  
Read this very carefully  
An ad found in the  Canberra  Times, Personal Section:
I reckon this bloke should have got a few replies simply for taking the
time to think of this!
Wanted A tall well-built woman with good  
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.

Then please only read lines 1, 3 and 5;
still interested?
Call me at...... 8250-0327  


From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: "I think I have a problem, Doc," says the patient.

"I think I have a problem, Doc," says the patient. "One of my balls has
turned blue."

The doctor examines the man briefly and concludes the patient will die if
he doesn't have his testicle removed.

"Are you crazy?" the patient exclaims. "How could I let you do such a thing
to me?"

"You want to die?" the doctor asks. The patient agrees to have his testicle

Two weeks after the operation, the patient is back. "Doc, I don't know how
to say this, but the other ball has turned blue, too."

Again, the doctor tells him if he wants to live, his other testicle must be
cut off, and again the man is reluctant.

"Do you want to die?" asks the doctor. The patient agrees to the operation.
But about two weeks after he is testicle-less, he is back again. "I think
something is very wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue."

After briefly examining the patient, the doc gives him the bad news: If he
wants to live, his penis has to go. Of course, the patient does not want
to hear it.

"But ... how do I pee?"

"We'll install an plastic pipe, and there will be no problem." So he has
his penis removed and, a while after the operation, the unfortunate man
returns to the doctor's office. He is very angry.

"Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue!"


"Can you tell me what the hell is happening?"

The doctor examines the patient more carefully and says, "Hmmm, I don't
know, could it be the dye from your jeans?"


From: Sack
Subject: Cultural Differences.....explained:

On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of South Pacific,
the following people are stranded:

* Two Italian men and one Italian woman.

* Two French men and one French woman.

* Two German men and one German woman.

* Two Greek men and one Greek woman.

* Two British men and one British woman.

* Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman.

* Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman.

* Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman..

* Two Irish men and one Irish woman.

* Two American men and one American woman.

 One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the
middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

* One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

* The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a
Ménage  trois .

* The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits
with the German woman.

* The two Greek men are sleeping together and the Greek woman is cooking
and cleaning for them.

* The two British men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the
British woman.

* The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started
swimming to another island.

* The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

* The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor store, restaurant,
and laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply more
employees for their stores.

* The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a
distillery. They do not remember if s*x is in the picture because it gets
somewhat foggy after a few pints of coconut whisky. However, they are
satisfied because the British are not having any fun.

* The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American
woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true
nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do
anything they can do, the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of
household chores,
how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected
her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship
with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they
bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off
this forsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can
get her nails done and go shopping.


From: Sack
Subject: Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier...!

Yesterday my daughter asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.

She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.

I did that and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a
parachute club.

She said "Are you nuts?  You're 82 years old and you're going to start
jumping out of airplanes?"

I proudly showed her that I had even gotten a membership card.

She said to me, "Dad, where are your glasses!

This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do!

I signed up for five jumps a week!

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier...!


From: Sack
Subject: Attention
Entering a classroom at MCAS, ( Marine Corps Air Station) Yuma, Ariz., a
female Marine captain encountered a clearly apathetic audience.  She was
selected to provide a full hour's instruction in Iraqi electronic warfare
capabilities to 150 Marine aviators who showed by their body language deep
skepticism about her Ability to teach war fighting skills to an all-male
class of Marine Fighter Pilots.

She began by noting that her voice had just been tested to see if it
was suitable for some new c*ckpit recorder messages for Marine aircraft.
Unfortunately she had not been selected to be the new "Bitching Betty", but
it was only fair to warn the audience, however, that an analysis of her
voice pattern revealed that her particular voice had a tendency to lull to
sleep any male homos*xual within earshot.

The assembled officers shot upright in their chairs. 150 sets of eyes
were wide open and locked on her and stayed that way for the rest of the

Colonel W. Hays Parks, U. S. Marine Corps Reserve


From: Seasoldier
Subject: Points to Ponder Over

Let's put the seniors in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.  This
way the seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
they'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment,
wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped
instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and
returned to them. A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring
their meals and snacks to their cell.
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counseling,
pool and education.
Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on
Private, secure rooms for all, with an  exercise outdoor yard, with
Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards
would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

The "criminals" would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised.
Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week.
Live in a tiny room and pay £900.00 per month and have no hope of ever
getting out.
Justice for all we say.

Think about this (more points of contention):

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow
epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Bourne almost
three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the county of
And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls.
But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around
our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.


They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ...

Why don't we just give them ours? It was drawn up by a lot of really smart
guys, it has worked for centuries and we're not using it anymore.

Think about this ... If you don't want to forward this for fear of
offending someone -- YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM!

 It is time for us grumpy old folk of Britain to speak up!


From: Seasoldier
A firm with a sense of humour, at last.

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a  Xmas fancy dress
party.  He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg,
so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover
your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he
writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another
parcel and note:

Dear Sir,

Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The
long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will
really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone
from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.  So
he writes a really strong letter of complaint.  A few days later he gets a
very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.

We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your
wooden leg up your ar*e and go as  a toffee apple.


From: Stumpy Steve

The man who invented the TV remote control died yesterday. They found his
body down the back of his sofa.


From: Stumpy Steve
Subject:  Something to offend almost everyone ...

Something to offend almost everyone ...

1. The rescue workers at the Pakistan flood area say that the  smell of
bodies is unbearable. They expect it to get worse when they  start finding
the dead ones.

2. A charity single has been released in aid of the Pakistan
Flood Relief. It's called, "Raindrops Keep Falling On Ahmed."

3. There were no survivors from that recent Pakistani Airlines  plane that
crashed, killing all 152 people on board. Both families are  devastated.

4. Paddy got arrested in B & Q today for punching an African  woman at the
till. He claims it wasn't his fault as his father had  told him to go in
and get a Black and Decker.

5. Experts are worried about President Obama's mental state  after he
pledged millions of dollars of aid to Northern Ireland,
 following the tragedy of Hurricane Higgins.

6. A lesbian went for a smear test and the doctor told her,
"That's the cleanest vagina I've seen!" The lesbian replied, "Yes, I  have
a woman in twice a week!"

7. Paddy and his wife were discussing their s*x life. Paddy  said, "I want
to try that wheelbarrow position tonight."
His wife asked, "What is that?"
Paddy told her, "You bend over, put your hands on the floor then I  pick
your legs up and take you from behind!"
His wife said, "Hmm, okay, I'll do it on two conditions. First, if it 
hurts you stop immediately and, second, ... we don't go down past my 
mother's house!"

8. My teenage son told me that he had s*x with the neighbour's daughter
last night for the first time. "Well done, son," I said, "I hope you used
something though?"
He replied, "Yeah, a balaclava!"

9. I went to the doctor while I was on holiday in Bangkok  recently, to get
my testicles checked out.
While the doc was cupping my dangly bits, she said, "Don't worry, it's 
normal to get an erection during this kind of examination."
I said, "I haven't got an erection!"
She replied, "No, but I have!"

10. Ramadan is here again. The one time of the year when Muslims  cannot
eat or drink within the hours of daylight, they just starve.
Never has the term, "Not enough hours in the day" been more  appropriate!

11.  A little Indian girl goes to her mother and says, "Mummy,
I don't want to be a lesbian when I grow up!"
Her mother says, "What makes you think you'll be a lesbian, Minjeeta?"

12. A bloke was sitting on a bus when a gorgeous woman next to him starts
breastfeeding her baby. The baby won't take it so she says,
"Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here." Ten minutes
later, the baby is still not feeding so she says again, "Eat it all up or
I'll give it to this nice man here."
The bloke says, "Listen, love, can you make your bloody mind up, I
should've got off four stops ago!"

13. French foreplay: Dinner, wine, s*x!
Italian foreplay: Dinner, wine, caressing, s*x!
Latino foreplay: Dinner, wine, dancing, caressing, s*x!
Scottish foreplay: "Haw, ye awake?"

14. I fostered a Muslim child yesterday..... all four cans hit him on the

15. The guy who owned the Odeon cinema group has died. His funeral is next
Friday at 2.10, 4.20 and 8.40.

16. I got banned from a Muslim clothes shop today. I only asked for a
bomber jacket. Touchy bastards!

17.Why do Cadbury's make white chocolate buttons?
So that black kids can have messy faces as well!


From: Stumpy Steve

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat shirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me: "What
setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back: "Manchester United."

And they say blondes are dumb.


From: Stumpy Steve
A smile for August

I just had to share this with you................................

For Gordon Brown supporters everywhere !!

Policeman in Downing Street

On 8 June 2010 an old man approached Downing Street.  He spoke to the
policeman standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with Mr

The policeman looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Brown is no longer
Prime Minister and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached Downing Street and said to the
same policeman, "I would like to go in and meet with Mr

The policeman again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday,
Mr. Brown is no longer Prime Minister and no longer resides here."

The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached Downing Street and spoke to the very
same policeman, saying "I would like to go in and meet with Mr Brown."

The policeman, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and
said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row that you have been here asking
to speak to Mr. Brown.  I've told you already that Mr.
Brown is no longer Prime Minister and no longer resides here.  Don't you

The old man looked at the policeman and said, "Oh, I understand. I just
love hearing it."

The policeman snapped to attention, saluted and said, "See you tomorrow,


From: Stumpy Steve

63 Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning. It was not a terrorist
attack-a bunk bed collapsed.
The police are blaming AL IKEA.


From: Whizzbang
Subject:  UK Newspaper Ads

These  are classified ads, which  were actually placed in a U.K.

8 years  old.
Hateful little  bastard.

1/2 C*cker Spaniel, 1/2  sneaky  neighbour's dog.

Mother, a Kennel Club  registered  German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog... able to leap  tall fences in a single bound.

Also  1 gay bull for  sale.

Must sell  washer and dryer  £100.

Worn once by  mistake.
Call Stephanie.

Complete set of  Encyclopaedia  Britannica,
45 volumes.
Excellent  condition.....£200 or  best offer.
No longer needed; got married  last  month.
Wife knows  everything.


From: Whizzbang
Subject:  The Haircut... One to remember

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot
accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The
florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the
barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community
service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you'
card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay
his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm
doing community service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MPs
lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the
citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.



From: Whizzbang
Subject: Free Hugs in Sondrio, Italy

 Click here


From: Allnutts
Subject: Stork Myth for the Cyber Age

Daddy, how was I born?
A little boy goes to his father and asks, "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers,
"Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.
There, your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had
used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine
months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

Scroll down -- You'll like this --

You got Male!"


From: Allnutts
Subject: FW: Dubai special!

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


From: Anonymous
Subject: Fwd: This Would Definitiely Get Your Attention.......
 Click here Click here Click here

I'll bet only his laundry man will know how excited the pilot of this plane

this is the biggest lightning caused hole in an aircraft that I have ever

The pilot must have gotten religion immediately after he wet his pants.
I'll bet his ears rang for quite a while afterwards.

OK. So. You're the pilot of a plane. It's on auto-pilot and you're having a
cup of coffee.
Suddenly the loudest sound you will ever hear goes off just behind your
left ear.
You're blinded by the flash and can't hear.
You immediately consider retirement!!

A pilot friend sent these photos this morning of an Atlantic Southeast
Delta Connection aircraft, after it suffered a lightning strike.


From: Anonymous
 Click here


From: Anonymous
Subject: Strange and beautiful streets (roads) plus some humor!

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Great, unusual photos. Don't miss the read at the end. Funny and true.

Summary of Life

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the
   second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food..
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair..
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts  
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground...
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy..

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional...
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair
   that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to
   ask you the questions...
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician  7) Wisdom
   comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus..
4) You look like Santa Claus.

At age 4 success is  . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . . Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . . Having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money.
At age 70 success is . . . Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . Not piddling in your pants.

Pass this on to someone who could use a laugh.

Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way;
BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day.

Have a wonderful day with many *smiles*

Take the time to live!!!
Life is too short.


From: Anonymous
 Click here

Be nice to others because. .  Time WILL make a difference!

One day you will no longer be the big dog...
just the old dog...
and my friend we are now the old dogs!


Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

(The audience laughed so long and so hard, it took up almost 15 minutes of
the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you
   think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands
   while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll
   give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get
   any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps..
   One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures..

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the
   habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head,
   what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its s*x?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has
   actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh


From: Anonymous
Subject: A Virus You Absolutely Need To Know About!!!

Imperative you read and understand it!!!!!!!!

I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus.
Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee
Cannot take care of this one.
It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1965.

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. Done that!
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail !

That too!
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. Yep!
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. Aha!
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. Well darn!
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. Oh, no - not again!
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND."  And I just hate that!
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE." Oh No!

Hmmm....Have I already sent this to You?


From: Anonymous
Subject: Fwd: Grumpy? This will help
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Do you pass the Grumpy Test??
If at least one of these pictures does not make you smile,
then you are grumpy and need to go back to  bed.

Give us a sense of humor,
Give us the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
and pass it on to other folk


From: Arfermo
Subject: Some deals are better than free tuesdays for pensioners

3 Maori's and 3 Aussies

Three Australians and three Maori's are travelling by train to a rugby
match at the World Cup in England. At the station, the three Maoris each
buy a ticket and watch as the three Aussies buy just one ticket between

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of
the Maoris. "Watch and learn mate," answers one of the Aussies.

They all board the train. The Maoris take their respective seats but all
three Aussies cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting
tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Maoris see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the
game, they decide to copy the Aussies on the return trip and save some
money (being clever with money, and all that).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the Aussies don't buy a ticket at all!!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Maori.

"Watch and learn mate ," answers an Aussie.

When they board the train the three Maoris cram into a toilet and soon
after the three Aussies cram into another nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves the toilet and walks over to
the toilet where the Maoris are hiding. He knocks on the door and says,
"Ticket please."


From: Burnout
Subject: How a butterfly destroyed my neighbours roof...........
 Click here


From: Cartographer Chris
Subject: The ID card

The other day I needed to go to the public hospital but not wanting to sit
there for 4 hours, I put on my blue jacket and pinned on a plastic ID card
that I had made off the Internet onto the front of my jacket.

When I went into the hospital, I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and
left.  I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all.  Cut at
least 3 hours off my waiting time.
Here's the patch.  Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of
quicker emergency service.
 Click here

It also works at Centrelink. It saved me 2 hours.

At the Laundry, three minutes after entering,

I had my choice of any machine, most still running.

Don't try it at McDonald's though.....
The whole staff disappeared and l never got my order !!!!!

Also.......... never wear it while trying to get a taxi


From: Cartographer Chris
Subject: How an electric fence can ruin a good day.
 Click here


From: Diks
Subject: Remember the Couple...

Remember the couple who snuck into the White House with no credentials?**
 Click here


From: Diks
Subject: Launching the New Boat

It was this guy's first boat and he was taking it to the lake, but he
wasn't quite sure of the correct procedure for launching a boat off a
However, he figured it couldn't be that difficult to do, so he stopped by
the office for advice, and they just told him...

"Just don't let the trailer get too deep in the water when you're launching
your boat, and you should be fine".

Well later on, he couldn't understand what they meant by that, as he just
could barely get his trailer in the water!

Here's a picture worth a "thousand' words! Your gonna love this guy!

They walk among us, get married, have children and vote!

Some folks should go to the water with others before trying something new!

Back glass explains it all!
 Click here

Safety is not the absence of danger, but it is the presence of God.
The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect


From: Diks
Subject: Which do you prefer.........

Tough Choices, But Don't Worry -
The Solution Is On The Bottom Of The Page.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Hard To Choose ????

Don't Worry, Because All Of These Outfits
Are Available At WAL-MART



From: Diks
Subject: No more e-mails

Please note...
I will no longer be sending e-mails.
Thanks to the Post Office, I am going back to licking stamps......
 Click here


From: Moose
Subject: The ultimate in women body piercing!!!

Men all over the country are
urging their wives and sweethearts to get this 'chic' procedure. The going
rate in London now exceeds £10,000.
Many men feel it is worth it   .......
 Click here


From: Muse
Subject: One picture is woth 1,000 words
 Click here


From: Seasoldier
Subject: it's SYBSTD...   (XXX - ED)

Send Your Buddy Some Titties Day

Who's YOUR buddy?
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Send this to your buddies


From: Seasoldier
Subject: Don't use a Iowa Vibrator

 Click here Click here


From: Whizzbang
Subject: Essential Office Skills...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here


From: anonymous
Subject: YouTube - ECW Chair Throwing Incidnet (HeatWave 1994)

Only the cynical would say wrestling is scripted!  Poor old Cactus jack is
in there somewhere!
 Click here


Quote of the Week:

Once a government is committed to the principle of silencing the voice of
opposition, it has only one way to go, and that is down the path of
increasingly repressive measures, until it becomes a source of terror to
all its citizens and creates a country where everyone lives in fear.

- Harry S Truman


[ End friday humour ]

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