Friday humour - August 13, 2010

[from Smithie at Bluehaze]

A quick emergency edit due to crossed wires and a misunderstanding - no
credits just a very fast edit - sorry for the delay folks.

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Holistic Medicine

 Ahkmed the Arab came to the United States from the Middle East and he was
only here a few months when he became very ill.
  He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him. 
Finally,
he went to an Arab doctor who said: 'Take dees bocket, go into de odder
room, poop in de bocket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down  over
de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.'

 Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket,
peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

 Coming back to the doctor he said, 'It worked. I feel terrific! What was
wrong with me?'

 The doctor said.... You were homesick.

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The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's Penis
was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000 they concluded that
the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man
more pleasure during s*x.
After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study.
After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the
head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during
s*x.
Australians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study.

After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, and 2 cases of beer, they
concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting
himself in the forehead.

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 Parachute Game
 Click here

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Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the
coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair
smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a
supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to lodge
a s*xual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks,
"What's s*xually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair
smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the dwarf."

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 Leave Julia alone

 Click here

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I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning
called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to
enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and
rekindling a little of that "old magic".  "Wow!" I was flabbergasted.
"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older
and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really
have the energy I used to have."
She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".
"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few
inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle
tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am
developing jowls like a Great Dane!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.
She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she
was sure I would still be a great lover.
Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

So I told her to f**k off.

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What a history lesson!
There are some beauty's
Chronology of the Playboy Playmates 55 years of Playboy Playmates.
Click on the individual boxes more than once and get large and extra large
blowups.
 Click here

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Life on the train...........
 Click here

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This act should be on America's Got Talent.

Check this out if you like magic.
 Click here


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To: Camp bed manufacturer
Subject: camp bed


G'day again [name]

 "Having said that you most certainly make a good point and I will be sure
to pass your comments on to our R&D department."

If your R&D don't already know why people buy double beds could I suggest
that you put some people into the R&D who were not castrated at birth?

I am aggrieved that your packaging does not clearly state the beds
limitations.  I would not have brought the product, nor I suspect would
the majority of purchasers,  if you clearly and  unequivocally disabused
"innocents" that the implied function of a double bed is not available on
your product.

Will you change the packaging information  to, clearly, warn people who
might buy the bed in the future (if not I can only assume that your
company are quite comfortable with my suspicion that an element of
marketing deception is being employed)


From:  [name]

Subject: RE: camp bed

Hi [name]

Thank you for your enquiry.

Our company expect the bed to be used for its designed and intended
purpose,
which is (unfortunately) sleeping only (rather than a marital aid).

Having said that you most certainly make a good point and I will be sure to
pass your comments on to our R&D department.

Thank you for taking the time to provide your feedback, please let me know
how the product performs for you in the long term.

Kind regards

[name]

Manager

camp bed manufacturer


From: [name]

G'day [name]

My wife and I brought your QS bed  from [place] in Geelong.

When we got it home to do a trial set-up I actually did the unusual and
read the instructions! I was dismayed to see that every frigid woman who
uses your bed no longer has to cy "headache"! They now have corporate
backing. It makes a bloke feel powerless!

The instructions said that "113Kg static" was the max. per side We are 75kg
and 85kg respectively - which is fine for a good night's sleep. I could get
that in a single stretcher!

I don't know about the majority of those who purchase a double bed but for
us the purpose was twofold, sleep being one of the two.
(surely manufacturers of double beds could not have missed this point??)

In keeping with your instructions the other purpose for a double bed could,
theoreticly,  be possible with us lying on our own side but you seem to
have that covered too with the inbuilt sag in the middle of each side.

If we sought to satisfy our desires in the usual, more orthodox , perhaps
you might think, boring manner one side would have 160kg on it.  Further
if "static" means "At rest, dormant, not active, moving or changing."(Funk
and Wagnalls) we would breach your recommendations X2.

If my dismay is born of my overly pessimistic nature you could lift a heavy
cloud of anticipated frustration by reassuring me that your double beds
were in fact designed for those who wanted to camp without being denied
their conjugal rights for 6 consecutive weeks every year, and that  I have
interpreted the instructions incorrectly.

Yours

[name]

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 Spring cleaning for computer screens


Spring Cleaning

Do you clean your screen regularly, or are you one of the more careless
computer users?
This is understandable, since the inside of the screen is quite difficult
to access.

Allow me to present you
 Click here


Click on the word "here" in the above text, wait a few seconds, and the
inside of your screen will be cleaned for you!


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This will drive you nuts

This is really freaky!

I haven't a clue how this is done.

Just click on the Magic Gopher.

 Click here

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There's an old sea story about a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors,
and afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad.
The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change
their underwear occasionally.
The first mate responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"

The first mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, "The
Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear."

He continued, "Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy,
you change with Witkowski, and Brown, you change with Schultz.
Now GET TO IT!"

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS: Someone may come along and promise "Change", but
don't count on things smelling any better.


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Another side of the Great US of A ...
 Click here

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Perfect Day
 Click here

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A Chuckle for the day!!
 Click here

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A Machine Designed to Take All Your Money

Be  very careful and watch out for this one. It has been known to take the
whole bank account with just one swipe.

Beware of credit card frauds reported for swiping your card on a  machine
as pictured below.  This machine can end up costing you a lot more than
you bargained for!  Please forward this message to  prevent further
losses!
Photo  Below:

This is the photo of the  machine. XXX
 Click here

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Tokyo's oldest person goes missing

 Click here

A 113-year-old woman listed as Tokyo's oldest person has gone missing,
officials said on Tuesday, days after the city's oldest man was found dead
and mummified.


The number of centenarians in Japan has been rising for decades Fusa
Furuya,
born in July, 1897, does not live at the address in Japan's capital where
she is registered and her whereabouts are unknown, officials said. News of
her disappearance surfaced days after the discovery that Tokyo's oldest
man,
who would have been 111 years old, had actually been dead for three
decades.
Officials admitted that they had not personally contacted the two people in
decades, despite their listing as the longest-living in the capital.
Officials only learned that the man was dead, and Mrs Furuya missing, when
they began updating their records ahead of a holiday in honour of the
elderly that is to be observed next month. Officials visited Mrs Furuya's
flat last Friday, but her 79-year-old daughter said she has never lived
there. The daughter, whose name was not disclosed, told officials she was
not aware of her mother's registration at that address and said she
thought her mother was just outside Tokyo with her younger brother.

But when officials checked that address, they found a vacant lot. Officials
are also looking for a 106-year-old man who is missing in Nagoya, central
Japan, Kyodo News agency reported. The Asahi newspaper said three more
centenarians were unaccounted for. The number of centenarians in Japan has
been rising for decades. Japan has 40,399 people aged 100 or older,
including 4,800 in Tokyo, according to an annual health ministry report
last year marking the Sept 21 holiday honouring the elderly. Each
centenarian receives a letter and a gift from a local government office -
usually by post. In the earlier case, police are investigating the family
of the man found dead and mummified on suspicion of abandonment and
swindling his pension money. Sogen Kato is believed to have died 32 years
ago after he had retreated to his bedroom, saying he wanted to be a living
Buddha. Akira
Nagatsuma, the health and welfare minister, has urged officials to find a
better way to monitor centenarians.

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 C&H Funnies
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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It was the morning before the Battle of Hastings and King Harold was
walking among the troops to boost morale when he came to a platoon of
Spearmen

"G'day lads" says the king" who is the best among you"?

 Cries of "Cedric sire" went up.
"Right" says the King, "See yonder mighty oak and the knot in it's bark
halfway down"?
"Too bloody right" says Cedric (a blow-in from OZ!)
"Let that be your target" says the king.
Cedric, no messing about, hits it smack dead centre to loud cheers from one
and all.
The King hands him a gold sovereign and says "And so shall you smite the
enemy today" (More Cheering)

The next mob he meets are the 'Axemen." Right" says the King, " who is the
greatest axeman among you"?
Cries of "Baldar, Baldar"
"Right" says the King, " See yonder sapling, canst thou ( that's how they
spoke ) split it in one throw"
No messing, whoosh !!! the sapling is split in two, Baldur gets a gold
sovereign for his piggy bank.

The next mob on his round ones he meets the 'Bowmen (Support Coy?) this
time the King says

"Who is the youngest among you"?
Cries of "Ethelred Sire" A very young pale, skinny, and scared shaking
young lad comes forward.
"See yonder supply wagon Ethelred, slot one into that anywhere you like"
The poor lad is such a bag of nerves he fumbles, wobbles and misses the big
wagon altogether.
Rude jeers from his mates. "No, No" says the King, here's a gold sovereign
for trying.

I'm certain you'll do better in battle"!!!

As the King walks away he turns to one of his Housecarls and mutters"

"Somebody had better watch out for that clown, he could have somebody's eye
out if he's not careful."

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 Click here

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Restaurant Prank [Xish]
 Click here


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So true, so true
 Click here

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Geography lesson!!!!!
 Click here

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Moishe Plotnik's Laundry (True Story)
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


Moishe Plotnik's Laundry
(A true story!)

Walking through San Francisco 's Chinatown, a tourist  from the Midwest was
enjoying the artistry of all the  Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and
banners..... .

When he turned a corner and saw a building with the sign
'Moishe Plotnik's Laundry.'

'Moishe Plotnik?' he wondered. 'How does that belong inChinatown ?'
He walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking dry cleaner,
although he could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the
uniqueness of the store name as there were baseball hats, T-shirts and
coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo'Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry.' 
The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to
his office. Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who
thanked him for his purchase.

The tourist asked, 'Can you explain how this place got a name like 'Moishe
Plotnik's Laundry?''

The old man answered, 'Ah..Evleebody ask me dat. It name of owner.'

Looking around, the tourist asked, 'Is he here now?'

'It me, Me him!' replied the old man.

'Really? You're Chinese.
How did you ever get a Jewish name like Moishe Plotnik?'
'
It simple' said the old man. 'Many, many year  ago I come to this country.
I, standing in line at ' Doc*ment Center of Immiglation.'
Man in front of me was  man from Poland ..'


'Lady at counter look at him and say to him, 'What you name?'
He (Polish man) say to her, 'Moishe Plotnik.'

Then she look at me and say, 'What your name?'

I say, 'Sam Ting.'

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Finally...  a wine glass that makes sense
 Click here

Finally...another Aussie first!

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 5 reasons not to take kids to the zoo

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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 New Cop Car in USA

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

This is a new purpose built Police car with a turbo diesel engine producing
300 horsepower with a top speed of 155mph.
Made by a company called Carbon Motors in USA.


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THINGS THAT YOU DON'T SEE EVERY DAY!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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My new car and boat
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


This 17million yacht that comes with its own supercar (but be quick, there
are only going to be six of them)

As far as freebies go a luxury supercar has got to be near the top of the
list.
But then if you're already forking out 17million for a 122ft
state-of-the-art super-yacht you wouldn't really expect anything less.
This ultimate buy one-get-one-free offer has recently gone on the market
attracting attention from billionaires all over the world.
Double trouble: The incredible super-yacht comes with its own supercar
which can be stored on board
Double trouble: The incredible super-yacht comes with its own supercar
which can be stored on board
But even if you could afford to buy the exclusive boat, you'd have to order
sharpish, as the company are only making six models and has already
attracted five possible buyers in the first week on the market.
The luxury yacht possesses a luxurious Art Deco interior, boasts four
large,
double state rooms, a reception area, salon, 52' LED TV's and state-of-the
art sound systems in every room - all of which can be personalised.
And you will never be short of thrills as the ship can reach top speeds of
43 knots, with its twin MTU 16V000 engine, with the ability to achieve 55
knots with its optional Rolls Royce KaMeWa boosters offering a staggering
14,000hp.
But not to be outdone, the super car, which is powered by a 880hp twin
turbo
V12 engine has a top speed of 375kmh.
This artist's impression shows the matching supercar rolling off the docked
17million yacht
This artist's impression shows the matching supercar rolling off the docked
17million yacht
Like a Bond villain's den, the interior of the superyacht
Like a Bond villain's den, the interior of the super yacht as decorated in
an Art Deco style. The design can be changed to suit the individual buyer
You can even park your new car on board the impressive boat in its very own
garage, located at the stern of the ship.
Founder of the Swedish company Strand Craft, Kurt Strand said they had
built the boat and car for the 'very wealthy'.
He said: 'We have had a lot of interest from all over the world,
specifically the Middle East, it was designed for luxury and for people who
want the best.
'The custom made super car is the best feature, both the boat and the car
are very high performance and the boat is very fast.
'It is very unique and we are making it in limited numbers, so it's
exclusive, we are only making six.
'It has a very futuristic design and nothing like this has ever been made
before. It even has bullet proof windows.'
The gigantic yacht easily dwarfs the waiting supercar on the dock
The gigantic yacht easily dwarfs the waiting supercar on the dock
The yacht has room on the deck at the back to soak up the sun, and pose for
paparazzi
The yacht has room on the deck at the back to soak up the sun, and pose for
paparazzi
Crashing through the waves the yacht can hit speeds of up to 43 knots
Crashing through the waves the yacht can hit speeds of up to 43 knots
Mr Strand said that they would sell the duo on a first come, first serve
basis, and said the new owner would need to be wealthy to afford it.
'We have already had five people interested in it and we will have meetings
with them next week,' he added.
'It's a very expensive boat to produce, it will be the most exclusive in
the world.
'It's very good that this design has found so much interest from clients.

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Free ipads but only 5 left
 Click here

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Volcano
 Click here

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 Growing Up?
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here


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good photos
 Click here

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Babysitter
 Click here

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Senior Health Care Solution
 Click here

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[ End friday humour ]

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