Friday humour - August 06, 2010

[from Steve at Bluehaze]

There is just so much mind numbing nonsense and cartoon caricature
foolishness going on around us in this election campaign that I donít know
where to start. So I wont. It looks like all sides are being sucked down
into the great black hole of closely scripted middleness.

This week's diversionary collection is courtesy of Arfermo, Allnutts,
Arfermo, Burnout, Cartographer Chris, Diks, Muse, Nathan,
Nottingham Smithie, Sack, Stumpy Steve, Wellington Ben, Whizzbang, and the
ever present anonymi.

Enjoy.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

More needed.
 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Auto Parts Art.

James Corbett uses remains of old cars from the 50s and 60s

 Click here
This is the man that makes auto parts scr*pped in sculptures worth
thousands of dollars. The Australian artist, James Corbett, 46,
creates these sculptures using old car parts salvaged from chopped cars.

 Click here
This piece, a ram made of spark plugs, has been sold for a whopping $23,000

 Click here
His sculptures are made of gears, radiators, plugs, exhaust and anything
that the artist can get

 Click here
After spending weeks dedicated to finding the right parts, James thoroughly
cleans every part and welds them together

 Click here
He says: "I was working in a junkyard and a guy I know who raced stock
cars, he showed me he had won a trophy made of levers for change. I looked
and I thought I could do a much better job and I started making my own
sculptures"

 Click here
"After a while, people became more and more interested in what I was doing
and now I do this for a living, it is a dream come true."

 Click here
"On average, each piece carries a bit more than two weeks of work, but
larger pieces may take longer," he says

 Click here
Corbett lives in Ningi , Queensland , Australia , with his wife Jodie

 Click here
The sculptures use antique auto parts; British and French cars are a
favourite of James to recover

 Click here
James said that the welding and sculpture of the pieces is the most time
consuming of the artist. "Often, the largest part of the process is to
find the old parts suitable for the sculpture."

 Click here
The sculptor is exhibiting his work at the John Davies Gallery in
Moreton-in-Marsh, Gloucestershire , England , until December 19

 Click here

"My two favourite pieces I created for this exhibition are the ram and the
boar," he says.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fah-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Childbirth at 65

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old
friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the
hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'When he cries!' she told me.

'When he cries?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he cries?'

'Because I forgot where I put him, O.K.?!!'

  ___._-fah-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Monty Python Sketch
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Beetles battle in Japan
 Click here

  ___._-fah-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

A little girl asked her father, 'do all fairy tales begin with "Once upon a
time"?

The father replied, 'No, some begin with - "If elected I promise..."

  ___._-fah-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

There was a guy who had a d*ck 18 inches long! Sounds great right? wrong!
He couldn't get any. Girls would scream and run away. He had to do
something.

He heard about this magic frog in the forest from a friend who saw him
sulking at the bar one night.

Just go to the frog and ask her "will you marry me" When the frog says "No"
three inches will magically disappear off of your schlong.

So he did as he was told, found the frog and POOF! he was down to 15
inches. He was so excited! Still too big he returned the following
evening. "Will you marry me?" "No" says the frog. Poof he was down to 12

12 is still a little daunting, he thought. Three more inches off the top
oughta do it. So he returned the following evening. "Will you marry me?"

The frog replied "What the hell is WRONG with you? How many times do I
gotta tell you? NO,NO, NO!!!"

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Two guys are at the bar staring into their drinks, when one says, "Hey
Harry, have you ever suspected your wife of leading a double life?"

Harry says, "Yeah, all the time - her own and mine."

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Lets test the way you think: thepenisinhermouth.

Did you read 'The pen is in her mouth?'

No, me neither.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Some one liners ...

My mate 'Geordie' phoned the doctor because their lass was ill. The doctor
asked if she was hot? Geordie replied, 'I suppose so, if she put some make
up on and wore low-cut dress.

-----------------------------

My wife said that she's going to leave me. But before she does, she is
going to make sure that my bank balance is £0. That's nice of her, paying
off my overdraft.

-----------------------------

The bloke next door is distraught. He told me his wife, who is deaf, left
him this morning for another man who is deaf. He said that on reflection,
he should have seen the signs.

-----------------------------

Police are using thermal imaging cameras to search for raves in Kent. I
guess it's pretty hard to see 34 strobe lights, hear a 20k sound system
and smell half of Morocco burning.

-----------------------------

I remember it well. I was about 14 when this girl came up and kissed me. I
was so scared, I ran away. It was my first French kiss.

-----------------------------

Chinese Godfather makes you an offer you can't understand.

-----------------------------

Isn't it funny how brown people say 'bruv', black people say 'blud', white
people say 'mate' and yellow people say 'HEROOO YOU WAN
FWIED RICE'

-----------------------------

Arachnoleptic fit - The frantic dance you perform just after you have
walked through a spider's web.

-----------------------------

Over a thousand dead in Pakistan floods. If Carlsberg did floods...

-----------------------------

I'm into S&M, I'm also into necrophilia and bestiality. my missus reckons
I'm flogging a dead horse.

-----------------------------

I don't know why I just bought some new coconut shampoo... I haven't even
got any coconuts.

-----------------------------

I met a girl in a pub last night and we ended up going back to her house.

After a few more drinks, we started kissing and having a bit of foreplay on
the sofa.

She looked at me and said, "Let's take this upstairs."

I said, "Okay, you grab one end and I'll grab the other."

-----------------------------

If you stand by the sea, it sounds like putting a shell to your ear.

-----------------------------

Repetition is the father of learning - I keep saying that.

-----------------------------

I was shocked to hear that it takes around 55 minks to make just one coat!
Apparently it's because they're not very good at sewing because of their
little paws

-----------------------------

Nothing worse than looking down at your c*ck after s*x and seeing a soggy
gross condom. Especially if you weren't wearing one to start off with.

-----------------------------

A cricket walks into a bar. The barman says "Do you know there's a sport
named after you?" "What, you mean there's a sport called
Clive?" said the cricket

-----------------------------

Just heard on BBC News that two criminals were "being held over explosive
charges". Sounds like the police have finally got this justice thing
sussed!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Got my son an *iPhone* for his birthday the other week.

Got my daughter an *iPod* for hers.

I was chuffed when the family clubbed together and bought me an *iPad* for
Father's day.

I got my wife an *iRon* for her birthday. It was around then the fight
started ...

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

SUV Birthday Present

Two old guys talking.
One said to the other: "My 85th birthday yesterday. Wife gave me an SUV".
Other guy: "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!"
First guy: "Yup. Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

The Toilet Cleaner, I really think there is a message here
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

An Arab student sends an e-mail to his dad, saying:

Dear Dad

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I
am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB
when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.
Your son, Nasser

The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail from his dad:

My dear loving son

Twenty million US Dollar has just been transferred to your account. Please
stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too.

Love, your Dad

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

What a man's Garage should look like?
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

And then there's mine!
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

We Bagged One...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Tokyo's 'oldest man' dead for 30 years
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Learn something new everyday ...
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

For those of you who have never travelled to the west, cattle guards are
horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings, in dug-out places in the
roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), to prevent cattle
from crossing over that area. For some reason the cattle will not step on
the "guards", probably because they fear getting their feet caught between
the rails.
 Click here

A few months ago, Kevin Rudd received and was reading a report that there
were over 10,000 cattle guards in NSW & Queensland.
Graziers had protested his proposed changes in grazing policies, so he
ordered the Minister to fire half of the "cattle" guards immediately!
Before the Minister could respond and presumably try to straighten him
out, Minister for Employment Julia Gillard,
intervened with a request that ... before any cattle guards were fired,
they be given six months of retraining.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

The Handbag
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Kylie & the happiest bear on the planet ...
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Here's a video for all the morning people ...
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Chupachups
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Finally, it's been explained!
 Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Suitcase stickers
 Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Wow, those Asian kiddies must be smart. They don't need a special helpline
number either.
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Ok here's how it goes - you get a girl or two to sit on a fence to have
their photo taken - just as you press the shutter you say "
Look at that dead bird!!!" it is only a matter of time before one of them
looks up - with these results.
 Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

The Marvin point of view.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Doormats With A Difference
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Changing a tyre can be dangerous - three times
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Unkilled hamburger
 Click here
This is from a San Francisco newspaper, and explains perfectly how George
Bush got elected - twice.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

My mate 'Geordie' phoned the doctor because their lass was ill. The doctor
asked if she was hot? Geordie replied, 'I suppose so, if she put some make
up on and wore low-cut dress.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

The bloke next door is distraught. He told me his wife, who is deaf, left
him this morning for another man who is deaf. He said that on reflection,
he should have seen the signs.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

The Abbott Family
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Cyanide and Happiness ... another kind of life
 Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End friday humour ]

 Previous (July 30, 2010)  Index Next (August 13, 2010)