Friday humour - July 23, 2010

From Burnout at Bluehaze

This week the electioneering commenced in earnest and as usual it took
about two days for me to be grinding my teeth.
Therefore dear readers I have switched off yet again and have nothing more
to add.


From: Anonymous


Jesse hated his job. And you would too, I imagine, if you had to do it.
Jesse was a chicken plucker. That's right.

He stood on a line in a chicken factory and spent his days pulling the
feathers off dead chickens so the rest of us wouldn't have to. It wasn't
much of a job.

But at the time, Jesse didn't think he was much of a person. His father was
a brute of a man. His dad was actually thought to be mentally ill and was
rough on Jesse all of his life.

His older brother wasn't much better. He was always picking on Jesse and
beating him up.

Yes, Jesse grew up in a very rough home in West Virginia. Life was anything
but easy. And he thought life didn't hold much hope for him. That's why he
was standing in this chicken line, doing a job that darn few people

In addition to all the rough treatment at home, it seems that Jesse was
always sick. Sometimes it was real physical illness, but way too often it
was all in his head. He was a small child, skinny and meek. That sure
didn't help the situation any. He was a hypochondriac of the first order.

When he started to school, he was the object of every bully on the

For Jesse, tomorrow was not always something to be looked forward to.

But, he had dreams. He wanted to be a ventriloquist. He found books on
ventriloquism. He practiced with sock puppets and saved his hard earned
dollars until he could get a real ventriloquist dummy.

When he got old enough, he joined the military, and even though many of his
hypochondriac symptoms persisted, the military did recognize his talents
and put him in the entertainment corps. That was when his world changed.
He gained confidence. He found that he had a talent for making people
and laugh so hard they often had tears in their eyes. Yes, little Jesse had
found himself.

You know, the history books are full of people who overcame a handicap to
go on and make a success of themselves, but Jesse is one of the few I know
of who didn't overcome it. Instead he used his paranoia to make a million
dollars, and become one of the best-loved characters of all time in doing

Yes, that little paranoid hypochondriac, who transferred his nervousness
into a successful career, still holds the record for the most Emmy Awards
given in a single category.

The wonderful, gifted, talented, and nervous comedian, Jesse, used the
stage name "Don Knotts" and he played Officer Barney Fife on TV.



From: Anonymous

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch less panties in an attempt to spice
up her dead s*x-life.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite
her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times till her
husband says...
"Are you wearing crotch less panties?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.
 "Thank God for that... I thought you were sitting on the cat."

He never heard the shot.


From: Biggus
Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an
atomic number of 82.
I'm easily lead.


From: Burnout
Getting one back.....on the scammers.
 Click here


The Train Set

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son
playing with his new electric train set in the living room. 

She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of You b*****s who want
off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry!  And all of you b*****s who are
getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks". 

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of
language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there
TWO HOURS.  When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you
to use nice language." 

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with
his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,

"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all
of your belongings with you. 

We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant

She hears the little boy continue, 

"For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand
luggage under your seat.  Remember, there is no smoking on the train.

We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." 

As the mother began to smile, the child added ........... 

"For those of you who are p*ssed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see
the fat controller in the kitchen.


From: Cartographer Chris

Three Girls Meeting

Rachel, Clare and Samantha haven't seen each other since High School.  They
rediscover each other via FaceBook and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine

 Rachel arrives first, wearing camel Versace.  She orders a bottle of
chilled Chablis. Clare arrives shortly afterwards, in grey Chanel.  After
the required ritualised kisses she joins Rachel in a glass of Chablis.
Sam walks in,  wearing a faded old Barbour anorak,  blue jeans and
Wellington boots.  She too shares the wine.

 Rachel explains that after leaving school and graduating from Oxford in
Classics she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful
daughter.  Timothy is a partner in one of London's leading law firms. 
They live in a 4000 sq ft house in North London, where Susanna, the
attends drama school.  They have a second home in the hills above Monte

 Clare graduated from King's College and became a Consultant Gynecologist.
Her husband, Clive, is a leading A&E Consultant.  They live in Dulwich and
have a second home in Florida.

 Sam explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend,
Ben.  They run a tropical bird park in Norfolk and grow their own
vegetables.  Ben can stand four parrots, side by side, on his willie.

 Half way down the third bottle of Chablis, several hours later, Rachel
blurts out that her husband isn't Tim, he's Tom and he's a clerk for
Islington Council.  They live in a terraced house in Muswell Hill and keep
a caravan in France.

 Clare, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that
she and Clive are nurses in King's College.  They live in Herne Hill and
have a timeshare in Orlando.

 Samantha admits - that the fourth parrot has to stand on one leg.


From: Muse

  Letter from a FARM KID in the U.S. Marine Corps...

  Dear Ma and Pa,

  I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine
Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick
before all of the places are filled.

  I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m.
But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do
before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to
feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically

  Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is
strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind
of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other
regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city
boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until Noon
when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

  We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon Sergeant says are long walks
to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A
'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys
get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

  The Sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like
the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They
don't bother you none.

  This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals
for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk
head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at
home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't
even load your own cartridges!!! They come in boxes.

  Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to
wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break
real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about
the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver
Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only
5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

  Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get
onto this setup and come stampeding in.

  Your loving daughter,



From: Nottingham Smithie

The Female Demerit System
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and
points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the
way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:


You make the bed (+1)

You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)

You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)

But return with Beer (-5)

You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)

You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)

You pummel it with iron rod (+10)

It's her pet (-20)


You stay by her side the entire party (0)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school
friend (-2)

Named Tina (-10)

Tina is a dancer (-20)

Tina has silicone implants (-80)


You take her out to dinner (+2)

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3)

Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)

And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the
colours of your favourite team (-10)


You take her to a movie (+1)

You take her to a movie she likes (+3)

You take her to a movie you hate (+6)

You take her to a movie you like (-2)

It's called 'Death Cop' (-3)

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)


You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts (-30)

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)


She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what)

You hesitate in responding (-10)

You reply, "Where?" (-35)

Any other response (-20)


When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks
like a concerned expression (0)

You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)


From: Nottingham Smithie

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2-1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.

Someone had given me a little tea set as a get-well gift and it was one of
my favourite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought
Daddy a little cup of tea, which was just water. After several cups of tea
and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mum came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea,
because it was just the cutest thing! My Mum waited, and sure enough, here
I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink
it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know),

Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is
the toilet?


From: Nottingham Smithie

      The Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart

      A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest of
the three of them.

      The Cow:  I give 50 litres of milk every day and that's why I am the

      The Ant:  I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52
times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!!

      Why are you scrolling down?  It's your turn to say something...


From: Nottingham Smithie

  A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman,
  'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'

  The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and
cheese toastie.
  The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

  The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer,
and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.
  The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the
  (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the
  toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

  The next night, the pub is packed.
  In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese
Toastie, please barman.'
  The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie,
and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down

  The next night there is standing room only in the pub.
  Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.
  The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year
  In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese
Toastie, please barman,
  The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are
right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties..'
  The rabbit looks aghast.
  The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his
throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion
  The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'
  The masses' bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
  The barman, with a roguish smile says,
  'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll
love it.'
  'Ok', says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion
  The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the
  He then waves to the crowd and leaves....

  ....NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

  One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who
has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.

  When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form,
floating above the bar.

  The barman says, 'Who are you?',
  to which he is answered,
  'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'

  The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.
  You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and

  Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'
  The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'

  The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham
and Cheese Toasties.
  You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'

  The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.

  The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'

  'I DIED' ,said the rabbit.

  'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'

  After a short pause. The rabbit said...



From: Sack

One Maori says to another: "Hey bro, what's a Hindu?"

The second Maori replies, "Lays iggs, bro.


From: Sack

During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a
young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the
descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly
offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related impedimenta.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh,
that's a good looking baby . . . and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said
nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion

"What a shame. And all these years, I've been chewing gum."


From: Sack

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good stand by the ironing board while I sit
on the sofa and fart.

  He said - Two inches more and I would be king.
She said - Two inches less, and you'd be queen.

  He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you
really badly.
She said - Well, you succeeded.

  Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

  'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of
the shower, 'Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed
the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

  A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world'
The woman says, 'I'll miss you.'

  My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, 'This will make you
happy tonight.' He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted
it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

  Q: What's the difference between a Pregnant women and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew the light bulb.

Submitted by: mav001au

  What's the difference between a woman in the army and a bowling ball?
You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.

Submitted by: Permission Pending

  What's the difference between Government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.

  What did God say after creating men?
I can do better.

  Husband Want a quickie?
Wife As opposed to what?

  Why is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he is coming, how many inches you'll get or how
long it will stay.

  Why are men like laxatives?
They irritate the sh*t out of you.

  Husband Why do you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it?
Wife You wear your underpants don't you?

  What's the difference between a Porcupine and a Porsche?
A Porcupine has pr*cks on the outside.

  What do coffee, cats and men have in common?
They all keep you awake at night.

  Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

  Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they wouldn't hump women's legs at c*cktail parties.

  Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to fish and you get
rid of him at weekends.

  Why did the man walk around with his fly open?
Just in case he needed to count to eleven.

  How can you tell if a man is dead?
He stays stiff for more than two minutes.

  What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

  Why are men better than cats?
Men only p*ss on the carpet in the bathroom.

  What do toilets and anniversaries have in common?
Men always miss them.


From: Stumpy Steve

Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on,
I couldn't bend it with both hands.
By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really
By the time I was 60, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem.
I'm gonna be 70 next September, and now I can almost bend it in half with
just one hand."

"So, what's your point?"

"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"


From: seagull

This is appalling - but not surprising.
 Click here


From: Allnutts

When Half is Enough

This  will absolutely Blow You  Away!!!!!

"Half Man - Half Price  Store"

The Story of Peng  Shuilin

In life we keep  complaining about what is or why we  don't have.   Half
the time we seem  dissatisfied, though full-bodied and free to  choose.
Fat people say,"I want to be slim."  Skinny people say,"I want to be 
Poor people want  to be rich and rich are never satisfied with  what they
 Click here

PENG Shuilin  is 78cms high. He was born in Hunan  Province,  China. In
1995, in Shenzhen,  a freight truck sliced his body in half.   His lower
body and  legs were beyond  repair.
 Click here

Surgeons sewed up his torso. Peng Shuilin, 37,  spent nearly two years in
hospital in Shenzhen,  southern China,   undergoing a series of 
operations to re-route nearly every major organ  or system inside his
body.   Peng kept exercising his arms, building up strength, washing his
face and brushing his teeth.
 Click here

He survived against all odds. Now Peng Shulin has astounded doctors by
learning to walk again after a decade.

Considering Peng's plight, doctors at the China Rehabilitation Research
Centre in Beijing  devised  an ingenious way to allow him to walk on  his
own, creating a  sophisticated egg cup-like casing to hold his  body, with
two bionic legs  attached.
 Click here

It took careful consideration, skilled measurement and technical expertise.
Peng has  been walking the corridors of  Beijing Rehabilitation Centre with
the aid of his  specially adapted legs and a resized walking  frame.
 Click here

RGO is a recipicating gait orthosis, attached to a prosthetic socket
There is a cable attached to both legs so when one goes forward, the other
goes backwards. Rock to the side, add a bit of a twist and the leg without
the weight on it advances, while the other one stays still, giving a highly
inefficient way of ambulation. Oh so satisfying to 'walk' again after ten
years with half a body!
 Click here

Hospital vice-president Lin Liu said: "We've just given him a checkup; he
is fitter than most men his age."
Peng  Shuilin has opened his own  bargain supermarket, called the  Half
Man-Half Price Store.

The inspirational  37-year-old has become a businessman  and is used as a
role  model for other amputees.

At just 2ft  7ins tall, he moves around in a wheelchair  giving lectures on
recovery from  disability.

His attitude  is amazing, he doesn't  complain.

"He had good care, but  his secret is cheerfulness. Nothing ever gets  him

You have a whole body.  You have feet.
Now you have met a man  who has no feet.

His life is a  feat of endurance, a triumph of the human spirit  in
overcoming extreme  adversity.

Next time you want to  complain about something trivial, don't.

Remember Peng Shulin  instead.


From: Allnutts

Michael Jackson is alive...
 Click here

 From: Anonymous

A321 v TRUCK - CHINA 2010

I think the photos speak for themselves we have rules about driving on or
near runways and ramps and it is critical we follow them.

As you can see from the photos the aircraft is going to win every time.

Pay attention follow the rules 100% of the time go home alive!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


From: Anonymous

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
'Mommy,' the little girl asks how old she is. "You don't ask a lady her
age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says,'How much do you  weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says,
'those are personal questions and are really  none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'
'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her
'Well,' says the friend,
'all you  need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything  on it.'

Later that night the little girl  says to her mother,
'I know how old you are.  You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and  asks,
'How did you find that out?
'I  also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'
'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,
'I know why you and  daddy got a divorce.'
'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an F in s*x.'

From: Anonymous

Importance of gun safety (XXX)

As a responsible gun owner and shooter you must pay heed to the safety
aspects of shooting..

....the first thing I noticed is that she's not wearing any ear or eye
 Click here


From: Biggus

Karaoke For The Illiterate (Top one Biggus - ED)
 Click here


From: Burnout

 Click here


From: Cartographer Chris

Heavy Lifts
 Click here


From: Cartographer Chris

Good Times
 Click here


From: Diks

Coca Cola ad for Seniors

I'm gonn'a get me some of that stuff................LMAO!!

 Click here


From: Diks

Who Needs ............ This is not porn ......
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here


From: Kaos_reflex (Fair enough - ED)

The girls have it in hand!
 Click here


From: Mitta

How Twins are made
 Click here


From: Mitta

How Love Works
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here


From: Muse

Hot ouside?
 Click here


From: Muse

My new T-shirt
 Click here


From: Nottingham Smithie

Dancing - This is awesome you will love this
 Click here


From: Nottingham Smithie

 Click here


From: Nottingham Smithie

Welding and cutting with style
 Click here

 From: Stumpy Steve

Controversy at the South African World Cup?
 Click here
 This would be funny if it wasn't so tragic.
This is an American news broadcast. (check the map) and they wonder why
they can't find Bin-Laden


From: The Great Gussius

**Work Warning** It's that day again  (XXX - ED)
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here


From: Whizzbang

Campbell River BC driftwood art.

Oh those Canadiains, They know art when they see it.

This is Campbell River , B.C. Driftwood Art. I am typically not a fan of
drift wood art as it is rather plain and boring

But it's truly amazing how beautiful a piece of dead driftwood can look in
the right setting.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

....and how about that clear, clean water

I hope this left you clear headed and....refreshed..............


From: Whizzbang

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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 Click here Click here Click here

 From: Whizzbang

How to hold a beer while ridijng a motorbike
 Click here


From: anonymous
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here


From: anonymous (XXX - ED)

 Click here


From: anonymous
 Click here


From: anonymous
 Click here


Quotes of the WeeK:

You never really understand a person until you consider things from his
point of view.
(from the character Atticus Finch) - Harper Lee.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of
an expert saying it can't be done.

- Peter Ustinov.

& for our Politicians:

I never did give them hell. I just told the truth, and they thought it was

- Harry S Truman

[ End friday humour ]

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