Friday humour - July 09, 2010

From Burnout at Bluehaze:

Allnuts sent this one in:

Sign over a Gynecologist's office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
  In a podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
On a septic tank truck:
Yesterday's meals on wheels
On a plumber's  truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
On another plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
On a church's bill board:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
At a tyre store
"Invite us to your next blowout."
On an electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
In a non-smoking area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate
On a maternity room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
At an optometrist's office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
At a car dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a car exhaust store:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.."
In a vet's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
In a restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."


From: Anonymous

One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home.

On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass.

I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.
On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old
ladies lying naked  on the lawn.

This time my curiosity got the best of me, so I went inside to talk to the
Nursing Home

'Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your Front lawn?'

'Yes,' she said----'They're retired prostitutes and they're having a yard



From: Arfermo
Subject: US Coffee spill

What BP didn't know.

 Click here


From: Arfermo

A guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day.
The waiter wheels over a trolley with a large tank full of various species,
and the man examines the dishes.

"I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" says the man.
"An excellent choice, they have a delicate, mild flavour." replies the
waiter and calls out "Gervais!"

A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the
chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.

Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear
running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the
heart to kill the squid.

"Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous
German bloke comes out of the kitchen. "Sir", says the waiter, "this is
Hans, the dishwasher. Hans, kill that little green squid with the hairy

The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the
little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a
little cry.

"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip

"Well sir," says the waiter, "it just goes to show.



That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With mild green, hairy
lip squid!"


Botswana Orphanage, England World Cup Team Visit

The England team was visiting an orphanage in Botswana. "it was very sad
and upsetting to see their pathetic, hopeless, forlorn, sad little faces -
with no friends, no hope for the future and rejected by their own parents "
Mutolo aged 6.

Whilst there Robert Green asked if he could cradle new born Jemal Maswinga
who was just 4 hours old.

"You goda be ****kin joking said surgeon Muswana Kambanjo this is a tiled

"Anything at all we can do to help" said Don Capello. "We need drugs
urgently said Kambanjo" "I'll have a word with my dad when I get home if
you like" said John Terry.

Terry asked the nurse for a date "sorry I've only got bananas" she replied
"Even better" said Terry.

Little Letingo in a wheelchair had lost both his legs in a mine explosion.
"You is all like me" he said looking at Lennon, King, Johnson, Heskey,
Defoe and SWP.. "Is it because we is black" said Defoe.. "No im no f***in
good at football either" said Letingo.


From: Biggus

A local policeman had just finished his shift one July evening and was at
home with his wife.

"You just won't believe what happened this evening , in all my years on the
force I've never seen anything like it."

"Oh yes dear, what happened?"

"I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery
acid and the other was eating fireworks."

"Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them?"

"Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off."


From: Burnout
Subject: URGENT Internet Warning - SEVERITY HIGH

If you get an e-mail titled - "Nude photo of Julia Gillard",
don't open it!!!!!!!!..

It contains a nude photo of Julia Gillard!


From: Digi Maria


To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown  Savannah  night before last.

Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m.  E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I
hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend,
threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and
earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather
important message.

 First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you
to actually cr*p in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my
The even ing was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason..
My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for
my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very
evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when
pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

 I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from
with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking
bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with
me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come
help mug us again].

 After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell,
I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled
up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station,
-- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons
and was extremely grateful!

 I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with
all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

 I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked
at the curb .... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed
the entire driver's side of the car.

 Later, I called a bunch of phone s*x numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell
just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little
over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get
in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI,
while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

 The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess
while he traced your number etc.).

  ;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel
this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your
threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these
rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the
opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path
you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so
lucky.Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,



From: Kaos_reflex
Subject: JULIA  

 Click here


From: Muse
Subject: How to open a bottle of wine without a corkscrew!

Well, here it is - If you ever get caught without a corkscrew, as I did
once, you can do this.
How to open a bottle of wine with a shoe.  Just don't need to
understand French.

        Click here

(Just goes to show - when on that family picnic, forgotten the corkscrew,
all you need is a shoe and a brick wall..... ED)


From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: Two Frogs

By Author Unknown

A group of frogs were travelling through the woods, and two of them fell
into a deep pit. When the other frogs saw how deep the pit was, they told
the two frogs that they were as good as dead. The two frogs ignored the
comments and tried to jump up out of the pit with all their might. The
other frogs kept telling them to stop, that they were as good as dead.
one of the frogs took heed to what the other frogs were saying and gave up.
He fell down and died.

The other frog continued to jump as hard as he could. Once again, the crowd
of frogs yelled at him to stop the pain and just die. He jumped even harder
and finally made it out. When he got out, the other frogs said, "Did you
not hear us?" The frog explained to them that he was deaf. He thought they
were encouraging him the entire time.

Lessons of the story:

There is power of life and death in the tongue. An encouraging word to
someone who is down can lift them up and help them make it through the
So be careful of what you say. Speak life to those who cross your path.

The power of words... it is sometimes hard to understand that an
encouraging word can go such a long way.


Subject: charity initiative

I went to Yemen to see the development of schoolchildren as part of a
charity initiative. I went to their version of a pre-school. I was very
impressed with their learning actually. They were particularly good at
making things out of clay and plasticine, or as they called it in Arabic,


From: Sack
Subject: Fw: 10 Reasons why men prefer rifles over Women  ML YSA

The Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Rifles Over Women

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9. You can keep one Rifle at home and have another for when you're on the
#8. If you admire a friend's Rifle and tell him so, he will probably let
you try it out a few times.
#7. Your primary Rifle doesn't mind if you keep another Rifle for a backup.
#6. Your Rifle will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5. A Rifle doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4. Rifles function normally every day of the month.
#3. A Rifle doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2. A Rifle doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason a Rifle is favored over a woman:


From: Scuba Steve
Subject: Friday Humour Contribution

Long time follower 1st time contributor.

Scuba Steve

the first one is the karate kid

 Click here

 Click here


From: Stumpy Steve

In a bid to revive the flagging morale of the England players and fans,
Fabio Capello has arranged a friendly against Iceland this coming weekend.

If they win this match, further friendlies have been pencilled in against
Tesco and Sainsbury's.


From: Stumpy Steve
Subject: Mr Gumbootu Needs Your Help!

Nigeria are out of the World Cup, their goal keeper has offered to refund
back all the money to fans that travelled to South Africa.

He said he just needs their bank details and mothers maiden names to
complete the transaction..........


From: Whizzbang









From: Anonymous
Subject: Summer Safety Message

The older you get, the more important it is to protect your nose from the
sun . . .

 Click here


From: Anonymous
Subject: Cloud message

When you walk out the door in the morning and see this in the sky......
.....just go back inside, have another cup of coffee, and stay home.  It's
NOT going to be a good day.

 Click here


From: Anonymous
Subject: The Day Japan Bombed Oregon

Here's a little bit of WW II history for you.  Enjoy.


The Day Japan Bombed Oregon

By: Norm Goyer

September 9, 1942, the I-25 class Japanese submarine was cruising in an
easterly direction raising its periscope occasionally as it neared the
United States Coastline. Japan had attacked Pearl Harbor less than a year
ago and the Captain of the attack submarine knew that Americans were
watching their coast line for ships and aircraft that might attack our
country. Dawn was approaching; the first rays of the sun were flickering
off the periscopes lens. Their mission; attack the west coast with
incendiary bombs in hopes of starting a devastating forest fire. If this
test run were successful, Japan had hopes of using their huge submarine
fleet to attack the eastern end of the Panama Canal to slow down shipping
from the Atlantic to the Pacific. The Japanese Navy had a large number of
I-400 submarines under construction. Each capable of carrying three
aircraft. Pilot Chief
Warrant Officer Nobuo Fujita and his crewman Petty Officer Shoji Okuda were
making last minute checks of their  charts making sure they matched those
of the submarine's navigator.

The only plane ever to drop a bomb on the United States during WWII was
this submarine based Glen.

September 9, 1942: Nebraska forestry student Keith V. Johnson was on duty
atop a forest fire lookout tower between Gold's Beach and Brookings Oregon
Keith had memorized the silhouettes of Japanese long distance bombers and
those of our own aircraft. He felt confident that he could spot and
identify, friend or foe, almost immediately. It was cold on the coast this
September morning , and quiet. The residents of the area were still in bed
or preparing to head for work. Lumber was a large part of the industry in
Brookings, just a few miles north of the California Oregon state lines.

The aircraft carried two incendiary 168 pound bombs and a crew of two.

Aboard the submarine the Captain's voice boomed over the PA system,
"Prepare to surface, aircrew report to your stations, wait for the open
hatch signal"
During training runs several subs were lost when hangar door were opened
too soon and sea water rushed into the hangars and sank the boat with all
hands lost. You could hear the change of sound as the bow of the I-25
broke from the depths, nosed over for its run on the surface. A loud bell
signaled the
"All Clear." The crew assigned to the single engine Yokosuki E14Ys float
equipped observation and light attack aircraft sprang into action. They
rolled the plane out its hangar built next to the conning tower. The wings
and tail were unfolded, and several 176 pound incendiary bombs were
attached to the hard points under the wings. This was a small two
passenger float plane with a nine cylinder 340 hp radial engine. It was
full daylight when the Captain ordered the aircraft to be placed on the
catapult. Warrant
Officer Fujita s  tarted the engine, let it warm up , checked the magnetos
and oil pressure. There was a slight breeze blowing and the seas were
calm. A perfect day to attack the United States of America . When the
gauges were in the green the pilot signaled and the catapult launched the
aircraft. After a short climb to altitude the pilot turned on a heading
for the Oregon coast.

The "Glen" was launched via catapult from a I-25 class Japanese submarine.

Johnson was sweeping the horizon but could see nothing, he went back to his
duties as a forestry agent which was searching for any signs of a forest
fire. The morning moved on. Every few minutes he would scan low, medium
and high but nothing caught his eye.

The small Japanese float plane had climbed to several thousand feet of
altitude for better visibility and to get above the coastal fog. The pilot
had calculated land fall in a few minutes and right on schedule he could
see the breakers flashing white as they hit the Oregon shores.

Johnson was about to put his binoculars down when something flashed in the
sun just above the fog bank. It was unusual because in the past all air
traffic had been flying up and down the coast, not aiming into the coast.

The pilot of the aircraft checked his course and alerted his observer to be
on the lookout for a fire tower which was on the edge of the wooded area
where they were supposed to drop their bombs. These airplanes carried very
little fuel and all flights were in and out without any loitering. The
plane reached the shore line and the pilot made a course correction 20
degrees to the north. The huge trees were easy to spot and certainly easy
to hit with the bombs. The fog was very wispy by this time.

Warrant Officer Fujita is shown with his Yokosuka E14Y (Glen) float plane
prior to his flight.

Johnson watched in awe as the small floatplane with a red meat ball on the
wings flew overhead, the plane was not a bomber and there was no way that
it could have flown across the Pacific, Johnson could not understand what
was happening. He locked onto the plane and followed it as it headed

The pilot activated the release locks so that when he could pickled the
bombs they would release. His instructions were simple, fly at 500 feet,
drop the bombs into the trees and circle once to see if they had started
any fires and then head back to the submarine.

Johnson could see the two bombs under the wing of the plane and knew that
they would be dropped. He grabbed his communications radio and called the
Forest Fire Headquarters informing them of what he was watching unfold.

The bombs tumbled from the small seaplane and impacted the forests, the
pilot circled once and spotted fire around the impact point. He executed
an 180 degree turn and headed back to the submarine. There was no air
the skies were clear. The small float plane lined up with the surfaced
submarine and landed gently on the ocean, then taxied to the sub. A long
boom swung out from the stern. His crewman caught the cable and hooked it
into the pickup attached to the roll over cage between the c*ckpits. The
plane was swung onto the deck, The plane's crew folded the wings and tail,
pushed it into its hangar and secured the water tight doors. The I-25
submerged and headed back to Japan .

This event ,which caused no damage, marked the only time during World War
II that an enemy plane had dropped bombs on the United States mainland.
What the Japanese didn't count on was coastal fog, mist and heavy doses of
rain made the forests so wet they simply would not catch fire.

This Memorial Plaque is located in Brookings , Oregon at the site of the
1942 bombing

Fifty years later the Japanese pilot, who survived the war, would return to
Oregon to help dedicate a historical plaque at the exact spot where his two
bombs had impacted. The elderly pilot then donated his ceremonial sword as
a gesture of peace and closure of the bombing of Oregon in 1942.

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


From: Cartographer Chris
Subject: Road hugging tyre

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here


From: Cartographer Chris
Subject: How To Stop Church Gossip

How To Stop Church Gossip
 Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's
morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several
members did not approve of her extracurricular activities, but feared her
enough to maintain their silence.
 She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of
being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the
town's only bar one afternoon.
 She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it
 Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and
walked away.  He didn't explain, defend, or deny.
He said nothing.
 Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's
house... walked home... and left it there all night.
 (You gotta love Frank!)


From: Cartographer Chris
Subject: A Newly Weds Tale

 Click here


Subject: FW: What foul beast thought this up?

 Click here


From: Digi Maria
Subject: FW: How can anyone call the zoo boring?

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


From: Digi Maria
Subject: FW: They're BAAACCCKKKKK!!! - Walmart People take 4

He is wearing. a trash bag. as a skirt. I can't even fathom a reason why! -
"Well maybe it was some sort of an emergency." Who knows what he is going
to use the Tupperware for.
 Click here

Its not her fault; that guy's fabulous rat tail makes all the girls pull
their skirts up.
 Click here

I've got 4 to 1 odds saying she smelled her hand after she pulled it back
 Click here

Oh, It's like a garbage bag filled with creamed corn.
 Click here

C'mon now. This brings a whole new meaning to the term 'half-assed'.
 Click here

Is it just me, or do mullets look 10x better with camo? These two are like
the Mario and Luigi of Walmart.
Texas and California
 Click here

This is either the ugliest woman ever, the worst cross-dresser ever, or a
guy that is really bad at choosing gender appropriate clothes. Maybe it's
all three - an ugly woman, cross-dressing as a man, who can't pick out
manly clothes.
 Click here

You are not a ballerina so don't dress like one! That shirt manages to give
your side b*obs back b*obs...I'm not even sure how that's possible, but you
accomplished it.
New Hampshire
 Click here

Either that kid looks exactly like him, or believe it or not, Mr. Superbad
himself is shopping at the Wal.
 Click here

I guess he thought he could roll his underwear over his pants and use them
as a belt didn't work.
 Click here

I'm still trying to figure out if that outfit is made like that on purpose
or if its just trying to tear itself away from her body.
 Click here

"What is Walmart gay?" - great question; Walmart gay is extra flamboyant
attire like this, that is still rooted in Walmartness. For example, tying
your shirt up like so is very flamboyant, however it is also flannel. Pink
shorts -> big belt buckle. Big goofy hat -> doesnt match a thing. I think
you get the idea.
 Click here

"Hey, PoWM, this is probably staged to get on your website!" - Well, if
this guy grew that enchanting Ponytail for 11 years so he could one day
squeeze into his tightest shirt, Lt. Dangle shorts and Goth boots for the
purpose of taking a picture at Walmart and getting his 15 minutes of fame
on our website...then I guess he got one over on us.
 Click here

This lady looks like she woke up in an alley somewhere in Mexico and had
the urge to get to a Walmart inmediatamente.
South Carolina
 Click here

My man looks like a walking, talking, pimping Neapolitan Ice Cream. I bet
that pimp hand is cold ladies.
 Click here

Create your own caption.  I'm in the middle of pouring bleach into my eyes.
West Virginia
 Click here

Well the bleach from earlier obviously didn't do the trick because I still
see this.. I'm switching to Drano.
 Click here

Fashion tip: Your house arrest ankle bracelet is not an accessory, so you
probably don't want to go all LL Cool J with your sweatpants.
 Click here

I bet this guy is wearing a condom just so everything is tight and
snug..come to think of it, this guy kind of looks like a big condom but I
don't have the balls to tell him that.
 Click here

Dear Skeezy McSkeezerson, thanks for moving your nightie so we could get a
nice glance at whatever it is you inked above your crack to thwart off
potential suitors.
 Click here

Hell no we ain't got no gays down here in Texas!...Whats that? Oh, yeah, I
made this vest myself. Looks good don't it?
 Click here


From: Digi Steve
Subject: hahaha

 Click here


From: Diks
Subject: Bike seat too high....

 Click here


From: Diks
Subject: Ahhhhhhhhhh, Summertime!

Nothing like the thought of Sunshine, a Backyard BBQ, a Cold Beer and maybe
a S*XY blonde doing the cooking !

 Click here


From: Diks
Subject: The Universe - AWESOME!

 Click here


From: Diks
Subject: When Wind Turbines go bad

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

When Wind Turbines go bad


Boy they really burn good don't they.


From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: Are you addicted to your computer?

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here


From: Mitta
Subject: missing missy
 Click here


From: Mitta
Subject: New Merc - (XXX - ED)
Mine's on order!

 Click here


From: Muse
Subject: Trust.....

 Click here


From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject:  Engine failure mid hill climb

 Click here


From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: my idea for a postage stamp

 Click here

Afghanistan joined the Universal Postal Union in 1928; previously
international mail required stamps of British India.  In 1927, the first
Roman letters had appeared on an Afghan stamp, the inscription reading
"AFGHAN POSTAGE".  This changed to the French "POSTES AFGHANES" in 1928,
and remained in that form (with some deviations, as in the 1939 issue)
until 1989. I have no idea what the modern stamps look like, although
there have been many issues most of them were illegal. I get no joy from
seeing so many fine young service personnel brought home in a casket, or
seriously maimed or disfigured, and I constantly wonder why we are really
there, there is a fortune to be made from the vast mineral and rare metal
reserves in
Afghanistan, not to mention oil or gas pipelines, I wonder whether they
have a bearing on the matter. Anyway as a form of protest at such needless
loss of life and limb I dreamed up this design.


Subject: comment on the weather

 Click here


From: Sack
Subject: Husband down

On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'

 A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream
and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the

 Click here


Subject: Why is education important?

 Click here


From: Stumpy Steve
Subject: You're Doing It Wrong!

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


From: Whizzbang
Subject: Its just......WTF?!?

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here


Subject: Julvin

Kevin and Julias love child!

Australia needs nothing else

 Click here


Subject:  I'm RICH!!!

Boy, I'm rich!
Silver in the Hair
Gold in the Teeth
Stones in the Kidneys
Sugar in the Blood.
Lead in the Feet.
Iron in the Arteries
And an inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.

I never thought I'd acc*mulate such wealth.


From: anonymous
Subject: Fw: Reformed Terrorist of the Year

 Click here


Quote of the Week:

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of
an expert saying it can't be done.

- Peter Ustinov

[ End friday humour ]

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