Friday humour - June 18, 2010



[ from Davo @ Bluehaze ]


G'day


We had a shortage of text jokes this week so I've thrown in a few blasts
from the past.

My favourite this week is this simple little thing from Smithie of
Nottingham ...

 Click here


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First up from Biggus

                                     New Golf Terms

A 'Rock Hudson' - a putt that looked straight but wasn't.

A 'Saddam Hussein' - from one bunker into another.

A 'Yasser Arafat' - ugly and in the sand.

A 'Rodney King' - you over-clubbed.

An 'O.J.'- you got away with one.

A 'Princess Grace' - you should have used a driver.

A 'Princess Di' - you should not have used your driver.

A 'Rush Limbaugh' - a little bit to the right.

A 'Nancy Pelosi' - way left and out-of-bounds.

A 'Ted Kennedy' - your ball goes into the water and then jumps out.

A `Tiger Woods' - you played the wrong hole!


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These came from Diks

 *World's Shortest Books
*_________________________________
*THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE* by Barack Obama
____________________________________________
*MY BLACK GIRLFRIENDS* by Tiger Woods
____________________________________________
*THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY* by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan
Illustrated by Michael Moore ________________________________________
*MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER  KATRINA
*by  Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
______________________________________
*THINGS I  LOVE ABOUT BILL
*by  Hillary Clinton _________________
*Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
*By Bill  Clinton _________________
*THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
*by Bill Gates ____________________________________
*THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
*by Dennis Rodman _________________________________
*THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE
*by Al Gore & John Kerry _____________________________________
*AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES* by Dr. J... Kevorkian
__________________________________
*TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED BEFORE ......* by Ellen de Generes & Rosie
O'Donnell __________________
*GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
*by Mike Tyson __________________________________
*THE AMISH  PHONE DIRECTORY* _______________________________________
*MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
*by O. J. Simpson _________________________________________
*HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY* by Ted Kennedy _________
*MY BOOK OF MORALS
*by Bill Clinton with introduction by the
Rev. Jesse Jackson _________
AND, JUST ADDED:
*My Complete Knowledge of  Military Strategy* by Nancy Pelosi


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And from The Great Gussius

                                   Aussie Stockman

An Aussie stock man and his wife had just got married and found a nice
hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the front desk and asked
for a room.

He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good
strongbed."

The clerk winked, 'You want the Bridal?'

The drover reflected on this for a moment and then replied, "Nah, I reckon
not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."


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This stuff came from Whizzbang

                                       Rye bread...

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of
breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he
did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your
energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking
around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... By the time you get to the 3rd loaf,
it'll be hard"

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this but me."


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                       THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING. . .

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude,
the captain announced:

'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain.

Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto .

The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight.

So sit back, relax and...... OH, OH . . . . . .

MY GOODNESS!

Silence followed! ......

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.

'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you .

While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup
of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants"!

One Irish passenger yelled . .

'For God's sake ....... you should see the back of mine!!!'


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                                Ooooh.............. So True

THIS WAS NOMINATED FOR BEST JOKE OF THE YEAR - WORTH SHARING

A Somalian arrives in Australia as a new immigrant. He stops the first
person he sees walking down the street and says........

'Thank you Mr. Australian for letting me in this country, giving me
housing,
money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'

The passer by says, 'You are mistaken, I am Afgani!'

The man goes on and encounters another passer by. 'Thank you for having
such a beautiful country here in Australia !'

The person says, 'I not Australian, I Iraqi!'

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes
his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful Australia !'

That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Pakistan , I am not from
Australia !'

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an Australian?' She says,
'No, I am from India !'

Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Australians?'

The Indian lady checks her watch and says .....'Probably at work'


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                              NURSES DON'T LAUGH

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh....

'Of course I won't laugh, said the nurse. I'm a professional. In over
twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'

'Okay then,' said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing
the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen.

Length and width, it couldn't have been any bigger than a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the
floor laughing Ten minutes later, she was able to struggle to her feet and
regain her composure.

'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honor as
a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what
seems to be the problem?'

'It's swollen,' Fred replied.

She ran out of the room


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                              Gotta Love This Lawyer

You can relate to this if you have ever dealt with a government bureaucrat.
Cheers to this lawyer!

Part of rebuilding New Orleans (after Katrina) often caused residents to be
challenged with the task of tracing titles to their homes... back
potentially hundreds of years. With a community rich with history
stretching back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through
generations of family, sometimes making it quite difficult to establish
ownership.

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client.. He was told the loan
would be granted if he could prove "satisfactory title" to a parcel of
property being offered as collateral. It took the lawyer three months to
track down the full title to the property which dated back to 1803. After
sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply.

(Actual reply from FHA):

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we
note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we
compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the
application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the
proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be
accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:

(Actual response):

"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note
that you wish to have title extended further than the 206 years covered by
the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this
country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know
that Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France , in 1803
the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of
uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U. S. ownership
was obtained from France ,which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from
Spain . The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery
made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had
been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish
monarch, Queen Isabella. The good Queen Isabella, being a pious woman and
almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing
the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus 's
expedition... Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of
Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created
this world.

Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of
the world called Louisiana . God, therefore, would be the owner of origin
and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we
know it, and the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be
satisfactory.

Now, may we have our damn loan?"


The loan was immediately approved.


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From 4M

The Dallas Solution

True or not... this is hilarious.

I have a friend who is president of his homeowners association in the
Dallas, Texas suburbs. They were having a terrible problem with litter near
some of his association's homes. The reason according to my friend is that
six very large, luxurious new houses are being built right next to their
community.

The trash was coming from the Mexican laborers working at the construction
sites and included bags from McDonald's, Burger King and
7-11, plus coffee cups, napkins, cigarette butts, coke cans, empty bottles,
etc. He went to see the site supervisor and even the general contractor,
politely urging them to get their workers not to litter the neighborhood,
to no avail. He called the city, county, and police and got no help there
either.

So here's what his community did. They organized about twenty folks, named
themselves The "Inner Neighborhood Services" group, and arranged to go out
at lunch time and "police" the trash themselves. It is what they did while
picking up the trash that is so hilarious.

They bought navy blue baseball caps and had the initials "INS" embroidered
in gold on the caps.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand what they hoped people
might mistakenly think the letters really stand for..

After the Inner Neighborhood Services group's first lunch time pickup
detail, with all of them wearing their caps and some carrying cameras, 46
out of the total of 68 construction workers did not show up for work the
next morning -- and haven't come back yet.

It has been ten days now.

The General Contractor, I'm told, is madder than hell, but can't say
anything publicly because he could be busted for hiring illegal aliens. My
friend and his bunch can't be accused of impersonating federal personnel,
because they have the official name of the group recorded in their
homeowner association minutes along with a notation about the vote to
approve formation of the new subcommittee -- and besides, they informed
the INS
Immigration and Naturalization Service in advance of their plans, and
according to my friend, the INS said basically, "Have a go at it!"

SO, FOLKS, I THINK YOU COULD SAY THAT TEXAS INGENUITY TRIUMPHS AGAIN!

Reminder: Don't forget to pay your taxes....... 12 million illegal aliens
are depending on you.


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This weeks A/V files are from Diks, Whizzbang, London Muse, 4M, Diks,
Notingham Smithie, Allnutts, Cartographer Chris, and Stympy Steve.


Pacific Princess
This U-Tube video shows the largest gathering of B-25s since WWII,
seventeen beautiful airplanes in the air at one time, interspersed with a
number of photos from the original Doolittle Raiders mission.  These A/C
participated in the 68th Doolittle Raiders Reunion, held April 17-18, 2010
at the USAF
Museum-Wright Field, Dayton OH.  Eight of the original seventy nine
Doolittle Raiders are still alive, with four of them being able to attend
this event.  Wish I could have been there to watch them take off and fly
in formation.  They started very early in the morning, in yet the fences
were crowded with airplane buffs of all sorts.  Pretty darned cool!
Air to Air shots filmed by VictoryGirl.com from the tail gunner seat of
BJ-25, 'Pacific Princess' - ship # 2 in the 17 ship formation
 Click here

Baby Moose in Sprinkler
All creatures love a fun time on a hot day in a sprinkler!
This video WILL make your day...Enjoy!
If you listen really close in the audio you can hear the woman who is
recording this trying to keep her kid! s quiet in the background.  Worth
listening to and the music is absolutely perfect for the video.
 Click here

Philadelphia's Reading Terminal  Philadelphia Opera Company from La
Traviata
You need sound for this WOW!  Turn up the volume......
 Click here

The kitten and the crow...
 Click here

Oily Irony
While BP's broken well continues to spew huge amounts of oil into the
Gulf of Mexico, someone took this photo at a BP filling station:
May BP practice what it preaches.
 Click here

Lucky Buddha
 Click here

Ads you will NEVER see again.........
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Cactus Blossoms
 Click here

You get down here, RIGHT NOW!
 Click here

Lexiaguo - in Yunnan, China
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

New USB Device for Discerning People.
 Click here

Finally A Cell Phone I Can Operate
 Click here Click here

Breathless anticipation
 Click here Click here

Toronto CN tower
 Click here

Sore Throat Cure
 Click here

BP oil Disaster
 Click here

Job opportunities
 Click here

Definitely my kind of IT
 Click here

Awesome ! This guy can paint
 Click here

Oil Spill Response
 Click here

Kulula Airlines
Kulula is a low-cost South-African airline that doesn't take itself too
seriously. Check out their new livery!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

The 90/10 PRINCIPLE
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Should have gone to specsavers
 Click here

Never let a father babysit----
 Click here

People of Walmart....some new doozies here +++ File links:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Too Soon????
Gary Coleman's coffin - it even has his name on it
 Click here

Ouch ouch ouch!!!!
 Click here

Kevin Country
 Click here

New iPad
 Click here

Feather paintings
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

No Americans make it to the world cup ...
 Click here


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From anon
                                      The Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The
waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich,
"What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will Be $9.40
please." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for
payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A
hamburger, fries and a coke.."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same.."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?"

Asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a
salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it
on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, Sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket
every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found
an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put
my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress.. "Most people would ask for a
Million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for
as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man..

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."

WELL HELLO !!!!!!


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From Burnout

                                      Body found ...

Brisbane Police reported finding a man's body floating in the Brisbane
River, near the Story Bridge . 

The man's name will not be released until his family has been notified.

The victim apparently drowned due to excess alcohol consumption, combined
with a drug overdose. 

He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string,
a strap-on d*ldo, purple lipstick, and a “Rudd for PM in 2010” t-shirt. 

He also had a cuc*mber in his rectum.

Police removed the Rudd t-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary
embarrassment.


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Here's a flashback from Burnout

                                  THE FALL OF STEVE

Three Aussies were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce
and Bluey.

Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and
tell his wife."

Bluey says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Bluey?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Bluey replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave
you the beer?"

"Well not exactly," Bluey says. "When she answered the door, I said to her,
'You must be Steve's widow'.

She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'

And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'."


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A quickie from Minnesota Scott

                                  BREAKING NEWS

A man was found dead in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene
found the man face down in his bathtub. The tub had been filled with milk,
sugar, cornflakes, and sliced bananas.

Police suspect a cereal killer.


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A corny quickie from Mad Mick's mate ... UK McKnickers

                                      HOLY WATER

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and
shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A little while later a Priest
came along and asked the little boy what he had.  The little boy replied,
"This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water.
If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly,
she'll pass a healthy baby."

The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it
on a cat's ar*e and he'll pass a Harley Davidson."


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Finally a couple from reliable old CUB contributor ... Fosters John

                                        Holy Cow!

On a farm out in the Victorian country lived a man and a woman and their
three sons.  Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of
the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was
lying dead in the field.  The situation looked hopeless to her - how could
she possibly continue to feed her family now?  In a depressed state of
mind, she hung herself.  When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well
as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation,
and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!),
and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.  When he got to
the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank.  She said, "I've
seen all and know the reason for your despair.  But if you will have s*x
with me five times in a row,  I will restore your parents and the cow to
you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to
satisfy her again.  So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up.  After discovering what had happened,
he too decided to throw himself into the river.  The mermaid said to him,
"If you will have s*x with me ten times in a row, I will make everything
right."  And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not
enough
To satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the
field, and his brothers gone.  He decided that life was a hopeless
prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.  And there he
also met the mermaid.  "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make
everything right if you will only have s*x with me fifteen times in a
row."  The young son replied, "Is that all?  Why not twenty times in a
row?"

The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request.  Then he said, "Hell,
why not twenty-five times in a row?"  And even as she was reluctantly
agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!!  Okay, if you will have s*x with me thirty
times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health."

Then the young son asked, "Wait!  How do I know that thirty times in a row
won't kill you like it did the cow?"


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                                     Hospital Case

Two fellows were in hospital beds awaiting plastic surgery. One said to the
other "Gee, your face is a mess. What happened?".

The other bloke replied "Car accident. Anyway you're no oil painting
yourself what happened to you?".

The second patient said "Honeymoon". The first fella said "How did you do
that on your honeymoon?".

The damaged groom said "Well it was the third day of our post nuptials so
we decided to leave the suite and check out the resort we were staying at.
The new wife is quite a keen golfer so we elected to play 18 holes".

"Did she belt you with the club ?" asked the inquisitive patient.

"No, No " said the husband "Everything was just fine until we arrived at
the 16th tee. The wife hit a terrible hook shot over the boundary fence
and into this cattle stud next door. Well, she wanted to look for the ball
so we both jumped the fence and started looking for it. Anyway after ten
minutes searching we still hadn't found it. So I started poking around in
the cow pats that were lying everywhere".

"Did you find it then" his mate asked.

"Not immediately, but I noticed one cow was not swishing its tail. So
I thought I'd check it out. I lifted the tail of the cow and there was a
golf ball jammed right in the crack of the cows ass. It was the same
number as the wife was playing. I pointed at the cows bum and yelled to
the wife
'This looks like yours darling', and I woke up here in hospital".


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Quote of The Week:


From the Herald Sun editorial 16 June 2010 ...


     "Mr Rudd may well become the first prime minister in nearly
      80 years to be tossed out after a single term."


[ Obviously the Hun's editorial writers, along with those at The
  Oz, et al, are cognisant of good old Rupert's daily briefings.
  Oh - to have so much power ...  - Ed ]


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[ End friday humour ]

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