Friday humour - June 11, 2010

[from Steve @ Bluehaze]

It has been a bit of a boring week this week. Barak is still hoping if he
ignores it the oil will go away. Kevin is still hoping if he ignores it
his popularity slide will go away. John is still hoping if he ignores it
his Government's record will go away. Nothing much new there ...

But my water tanks are full, so not a wasted week :-)

This weeks contributions presented courtesy of Burnout, Mitta, Muse, Rudolf
from the West, Sack, Stumpy Steve, Whizzbang, and an especially large
proportion by the ever present anonymi.

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Try this the next ime you go to the airport!

 Click here

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Retirement

Charlie, a recently-hired, retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, came in 5 to 15
minutes late every morning, but he was among the best of
Wal-Mart older persons.

His boss called him into his office and said: Charlie, I have to tell you,
I like your work ethic, but you are late all the time.

Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it. Charlie replied.

Well good, you are a team player. I know you're retired from the Navy. What
did they say when you came in late there?

They said Good morning, Admiral, can I get you a cup of Coffee, sir?

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Doctor, Doctor......

I went to the doctor's the other day and found out my new doctor is a young
female, drop-dead gorgeous!

I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've
seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way
I can."

I said, "I think my c*ck tastes funny ..."

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Island state of mind ...

 Click here

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Seagull Steals From World's Laziest Cat

 Click here


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The four Goldberg Brothers

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and
developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17,
1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked
his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the
most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and
instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned
on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he
offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they
wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg
Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no
way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4
million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show -- Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max
-- on the controls.

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When love fades

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's
voice from the kitchen. "What would you like for dinner my
Love? Chicken, beef or lamb?"

I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

She replied "You're having soup, as*hole. I was talking to the cat."

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What Is a Man?

A real man is a woman's best friend.

He will never stand her up and never let her down.

He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad
day.

He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live
without fear and forget regret.

He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most
intimate desires.

He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman
in the room and will enable her to be the most confident, s*xy, seductive,
invincible ...

No wait ... I'm thinking of alcohol.

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On Thursday, 24th January 2002 , Derek Guille broadcast this story on his
afternoon program on ABC radio.

In March 1999 a man living in Kandos (near Mudgee in NSW, Australia )
received a bill for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed $0.00.

He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another bill and
threw that one away too.

The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note stating that
they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn't send them $0..00 by
return mail.

He called them, talked to them, and they said it was a computer error and
they would take care of it.

The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the
troublesome gas line figuring that if there was usage on the account it
would put an end to this ridiculous predicament.

However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off.

He called the gas company who apologised for the computer error once again
and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for
$0.00 stating that payment was now overdue.

Assuming that having spoken to them the previous day the latest bill was
yet another mistake, he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as
good as their word and sort the problem out.

The next month he got a bill for $0.00. This bill also stated that he had
10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to
recover the debt.

Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the gas company at their own
game and mailed them a cheque for $0.00. The computer duly processed his
account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the Gas
company nothing at all.

A week later, the manager of the Mudgee branch of the Westpac Banking
Corporation called our hapless friend and asked him what he was doing
writing cheque for $0.00.

After a lengthy explanation the bank manager replied that the $0.00 cheque
had caused their cheque processing software to fail. The bank could
therefore not process ANY cheques they had received from ANY of their
customers that day because the cheque for $0.00 had caused the computer to
crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the gas company claiming
that his cheque had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he
sent a cheque by return mail they would take immediate steps to recover
the debt.

At this point, the man decided to file a debt harassment claim against the
gas company. It took him nearly two hours to convince the clerks at the
local courthouse that he was not joking.

They subsequently helped him in the drafting of statements which were
considered substantive evidence of the aggravation and difficulties he had
been forced to endure during this debacle.

The matter was heard in the Magistrate's Court in Mudgee and the outcome
was this:

The gas company was ordered to:

[1] Immediately rectify their computerised accounts system or show cause,
within 10 days, why the matter should not be referred to a higher Court
for consideration under Company Law.

[2] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by the Man.

[3] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by all the Westpac clients whose
cheques had been bounced on the day our friend's had been processed.

[4] Pay the claimant's court costs; and

[5] Pay the claimant a total of $1500 per month for the 5 month period,
March to July inclusive as compensation for the aggravation they had
caused their client to suffer.

And all this over $0.00.

Who employs these idiots??

Remember, these "people" walk among us and breathe the same air we do.

Our Politicians Advisors and head public servants have the same mind set,
God Help Us!

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Messages

On a bitterly cold morning in Canberra, Kevvy is being chauffeured to
Parliament House. It is so cold that Lake Burley Griffin has frozen over.
As he jumps out of the Caprice, Kevvy looks over the Lake & notices that
someone has "peed" on the ice & left a message
"KEVVY SUCKS".

Kevvy is enraged & orders ASIO to investigate with "no expenses spared" &
to report within two weeks.

Two weeks later, the head of ASIO reports to the PM & says "our
investigation is over & I have three pieces of news for you....good news,
bad news & terribly bad shocking news".

Well says Kevvy, give me the good news. The head of ASIO says "We spent $5
million dollars on the investigation & have come to a successful result".

Well says Kevvy what's the bad news?

The head of ASIO says "The DNA testing shows the urine is Wayne Swann's".
Kevvy is shocked beyond belief.

Looking pale, Kevvy says " and what is the terribly bad shocking news?"

The ASIO chief replies " It's Julia Gillard's hand writing".

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Whats for dinner?

We all remember the KFC "Hillary Meal" : small breasts and big thighs.

Now, KFC has announced an addition to their chicken dinners.

It's called the "Rudd" Bucket: it consists of nothing but left wings and an
ar*ehole.

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Breakfast at Ginger's

 Click here

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Job Opportunities

 Click here

And they say there are no new business ideas?

Lady Selling Lemonade on the Beach (reportedly clearing $250.00 per day).

So who says making money is tough? The jobs are out there!!

And they say there are no new business ideas?

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Great cartoon - so true!

 Click here

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Exclusive picture of Gary Coleman's custom casket.

 Click here

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Lets go Caving.....

 Click here

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See, there is a Book ...

 Click here

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Marriage is a horse race

 Click here

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Method ...

 Click here

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Finally my kind of tech support

 Click here

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Hand Advertisements

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Never be lost

 Click here

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Some old some new

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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 Click here

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One Monday morning the Postman is riding through the neighbourhood on his
usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes he
noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut
short by Derek, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and
spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow Derek, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the
Postman comments.

Derek, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Sat*rday night. This is
the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had
about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun
and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started
playing WHO AM I.'

The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'

'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a
sheet covering us, with only our 'family jewels' showing through a hole in
the sheet. Then the women tries to guess who it is.'

The Postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'

'Probably a good thing you did,' Derek responded. 'Your name came up 7
times

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I let my son see my paycheck...

 Click here

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Robin Rudd

 Click here

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Please draw me a logo and pie chart

 Click here

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How to maintain your fitness

 Click here

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Great salesmanship!

Several years ago, Rockwell International decided to get into the heavy
duty transmission business. They were getting ready to tape their first
introductory video. As a warm up, the professional narrator began what has
become a legend within the training industry.
This man should have won an academy award for his stellar performance. Now
remember this is strictly off the cuff, nothing is written down  and none
of it makes any sense  but he is a master at creating words that sound
important and highly technical.

 Click here

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Even Children are getting the message before some adults

A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the footpath in front of
her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number tiny creatures; in
her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.

Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car
stepped a tall, grinning man.

"Hi there, little girl, I'm Prime Minister Rudd What do you have in the
basket?" he asked.

"Kittens," little Suzy said.

"How old are they?" asked K. Rudd

Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."

"And what kind of kittens are they?"

"Labor kittens," answered Suzy with a smile.

Rudd was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR
chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.

Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the Prime
Minister should return the next day, and, in front of the assembled media,
have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.

So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of
"FREE KITTENS" when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans
from ABC, 7, SBS, TEN and 9.

Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then K. Rudd got out of
his limo and walked over to little Suzy.

"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out
there what kind of kittens you're giving away."

"Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're Liberals."

Taken by surprise, the Prime Minister stammered, "But ... But ...
yesterday, you told me they were Labor."

Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know. But today, they have their eyes
open."

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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