Friday humour - May 28, 2010

From burnout@bluehaze

From: Allnutts


I am an ER nurse and this is the best description of this event that I have
ever heard/read.  Please read, pay attention, and send it on!
Diane  K. in A
I was aware that female heart attacks are different, but this is the best
description I've ever read.
Women and heart attacks (Myocardial infarction). Did you know that women
rarely have the same dramatic symptoms that men have when experiencing
heart attack ..
you know, the sudden stabbing pain in the chest, the  cold sweat, grabbing
the chest & dropping to  the floor that we see in the movies. Here is the
story of one woman's experience with a heart attack.

'I had a heart attack at about 10:30 PM with NO prior exertion, NO prior
emotional trauma that one would suspect might have brought it on. I was
sitting all snugly & warm on a cold evening,  with my purring cat in my
reading an  interesting story my friend had sent me, and  actually
'A-A-h, this is the life, all  cozy and warm in my soft, cushy Lazy Boy
with my  feet propped up.

A moment later, I felt  that awful sensation of indigestion, when you've
been in a hurry and grabbed a bite of sandwich  and washed it down with a
dash of water, and  that hurried bite seems to feel like you've  swallowed
a golf ball going down the esophagus  in slow motion and it is most
uncomfortable. You realize you shouldn't have gulped it down so fast and
needed to chew it more thoroughly and this time drink a glass of water to
hasten its progress down to the stomach. This was my initial
sensation---the only trouble was that  I hadn't taken a bite of anything
since about  5:00

After it seemed to subside, the  next sensation was like little squeezing
motions  that seemed to be racing up my  SPINE  (hind-sight,  it was
probably my aorta spasms), gaining speed  as they continued racing up and
under my sternum  (breast bone, where one presses rhythmically  when
ministering CPR).

This fascinating process continued on into my throat and branched out into
both jaws. 'AHA!! NOW I stopped  puzzling about what was happening -- we
all have  read and/or heard about pain in the jaws being  one of the
signals of an MI happening, haven't  we? I said aloud to myself and the
cat, Dear God,
I think I'm having a heart attack!

I lowered the foot rest dumping the cat from my lap, started to take a step
and fell on the floor instead. I thought to myself, If this is a  heart
attack, I shouldn't be walking into the  next room where the phone is or
anywhere else  ... but, on the other hand, if I don't, nobody  will know
that I need help, and if I wait any  longer I may not be able to get up in
a moment.

I pulled myself up with the arms  of the chair, walked slowly into the next
room  and dialed the Paramedics ... I told her I  thought I was having a
heart attack due to the  pressure building under the sternum and 
radiating into my jaws. I didn't feel hysterical or afraid, just stating
the facts.
She said she  was  sending the Paramedics over immediately, asked  if the
front door was near to me, and if so, to  un-bolt the door and then lie
down on the floor  where they could see me when they came  in.

I  unlocked the door and then laid down on the  floor as instructed and
lost consciousness, as I  don't remember the medics coming in, their
examination, lifting me onto a gurney or getting  me into their ambulance,
or hearing the call  they made to St. Jude ER on the way, but I did 
briefly awaken when we arrived and saw that the  radiologist was already
there in his surgical  blues and cap, helping the medics pull my 
stretcher out of the ambulance. He was bending  over me asking questions
(probably something like 'Have you taken any medications?') but I 
couldn't make my mind interpret what he was  saying, or form an answer,
and nodded off again,  not waking up until the Cardiologist and   partner
had already threaded the teeny  angiogram balloon up my femoral artery
into the  aorta and into my heart  where they installed 2 side by side
stints to  hold open my right coronary  artery.

'I know  it sounds like all my thinking and actions at  home must have
taken at least 20-30 minutes  before calling the paramedics, but actually
it  took perhaps 4-5 minutes before the call, and  both the fire station
and St. Jude are only  minutes away from my home, and my Cardiologist  was
already to go to the OR in his scrubs and  get going on restarting my heart
(which had stopped somewhere between my arrival and the  procedure) and
installing the stints.

'Why have I written all of this to you with so much detail? Because I want
all of you who are so important in my life to know what I learned first

1.  Be aware that something very different is happening in your body not
the usual men's symptoms but inexplicable things happening (until my
sternum and jaws got into the act). It  is said that many more women than
men die of their first (and last) MI because they didn't  know they were
having one and commonly mistake  it as indigestion, take some Maalox or
other anti-heartburn preparation and go to bed, hoping  they'll feel
better in the morning when they  wake up ... which doesn't happen. My
female  friends,
your symptoms might not be exactly like  mine, so I advise you to call the
Paramedics if  ANYTHING is  unpleasantly  happening that you've not felt

It is better to have a 'false alarm' visitation than to risk your life
guessing what it might  be!

2.  Note that I said 'Call the Paramedics.' And if you can take an aspirin.
Ladies, TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE!  Do NOT try to drive yourself to the ER -
you are a hazard to others on the road.

Do NOT have your panicked husband who will be speeding and looking
anxiously at what's happening with you instead of the road.

Do  NOT call your doctor -- he doesn't know where  you live and if it's at
night you won't reach  him anyway, and if it's daytime, his assistants 
(or answering service) will tell you to call the  Paramedics. He doesn't
carry the equipment in his car that you need to be saved! The paramedics
principally OXYGEN that you need ASAP. Your Dr. will be notified later.

3.  Don't assume it couldn't be a heart attack because you have a normal
cholesterol count.  Research has discovered that a cholesterol elevated
reading is rarely the cause of an MI (unless it' unbelievably high and/or
accompanied by high blood pressure). MIs are usually caused by long-term
stress and inflammation in the body, which dumps all sorts of deadly
hormones into  your system to sludge things up in  there. Pain in the jaw
can wake you from a sound sleep.  Let's be careful and be aware. The more
we know the better chance we could survive.

A cardiologist says if everyone who gets this mail sends it to 10 people,
you can be sure that  we'll save at least one  life.

**Please be a true friend and send this article to all your friends (male &
female) you care about!**


From: Anonymous

I just cracked up over this one.

Subject: Mating Pigs!

A farmer had five female pigs and, as times were tough, he had determined
to take them to the county fair and sell them. While at the fair he met
another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided
to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

Now the farmers lived sixty miles away from one another, so they each
agreed to drive thirty miles and find a field in which to mate their pigs.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m.,
loaded the pigs into the family station wagon (which was the only vehicle
they had) and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if
they are pregnant?"

The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass grazing in the morning,
then they're pregnant, but if they're rolling in the mud, then they're

The next morning they were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off,
called the other farmer, loaded them again into the family station wagon
and proceeded to try again.

The following morning, in the mud again! And the next morning, MUD again!
This continued all week until the farmer was so tired that he couldn't get
out of bed.

He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me if the pigs
are in the mud or in the field grazing."

The wife looked out the window and then yelled back, "Neither, they're in
the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."


From: Biggus

My wife asked me about the cut on my finger.

"Oh, that." I said. " I was cutting up some string using the scissors."

She said. "That was clumsy."

I said. "Yeah. Anyway, are you looking forward to your sky dive tomorrow?"


From: Burnout
Subject: Card

 Click here


From: Digi Steve
Subject: This is a killer. I've split my sides laughing!!

 Click here


From: Kaos_reflex
Subject: A Cow's Tail

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two
black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'

'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult
hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of
the cows had something white at its rear end.'

'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball
with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like

'I don't remember much after that.'


From New Forest Robin

Still shining

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind
him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu,
'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40
please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger,
chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again.. 'The usual?' asks the

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,'
says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it
on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate,
how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket
every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the
back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and
offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for
anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of
money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million
dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long
as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there,' says the man. The waitress asks, 'What's with the
bloody emu?'

The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird
with a big ar*e and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'


From: Sack
Subject: Poetry


1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was p!ssed.

5. I thought that I could love no other -- that is until I met your

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and
so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face..

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to he!l.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.


An older couple is lying in bed one morning.

They had just awakened from a good night's sleep.

He takes her hand and she responds, 'Don't touch me.'

'Why not?' he asked.

She answered, 'Because I'm dead.'
The husband asked...

'What are you talking about?

We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another!'

She said, 'No, I'm definitely dead.'

He insisted, 'You are not dead. What in the world makes you think you're

'Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts.'


Football Boots

Woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the
bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband
also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard,
not realising that the little boy is in there.

After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.

The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything,
let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a football.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '$ 250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the cupboard together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have football boots.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this

Boy - '$ 750'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and
football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'

The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a $ 1,000..'

The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend
like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm
going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sins.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here'..

The priest says, 'Don't start that sh*t again you little pr*ck, you're in
my cupboard now'!!


Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence in Yarralumla.

One is from Canberra , another from Melbourne , and the third one is from
Brisbane . All three go with a Labour Government Official to examine the

The Canberra contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring,
then works out some figures with a pencil. “Well”, he says, “I figure the
job will run to about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100
profit for me”.

The Melbourne contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says
"I can do the job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100
profit for me".

The Brisbane contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the
government official and whispers “$2,700”.

The Government Official, incredulous, says"you didn't even measure like the
other guys!
How did you come up with such a high figure?

The Brisbane Contractor whispers back"$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we
hire the bloke from Melbourne to repair the fence."

"Done" says the Government Official.

And that my friends, is how the "Kevin Dudd Stimulus Package" works.




Jeremy Paxman:
What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?


Jeremy Paxman:
No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you


Jamie Theakston:
Where do you think Cambridge University is?

Geography isn't my strong point.

Jamie Theakston:
There's a clue in the title.



Stewart White:
Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?

I don't know.

Stewart White:
I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and
your elbow?


Stewart White:
Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?


Stewart White:
Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?


Stewart White:
Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A
Wonderful World?

Frank Sinatra?


Bamber Gascoyne:
What was Gandhi's first name?


GWR FM ( Bristol )

What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?

I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.


What's 11 squared?

I don't know.

I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.

Is it five?


Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?

Forrest Gump.


On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?

Er. ... ...

He makes bread . . .

Er .. ........

He makes cakes . . .

Kipling Street ?


Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?

Barcelona .

I was really after the name of a country.

I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain ...


What is the world's largest continent?

The Pacific..


Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting
by Leonardo da

Who Framed Roger Rabbit?


Steve Le Fevre:
What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?

Magna Carta?


James O'Brien:
How many kings of England have been called Henry?

Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth .. ER. ER ... Three?


Chris Searle:
In which European country is Mount Etna ?

Japan .

Chris Searle:
I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can
let you try again.

Er ........... Mexico ?


Paul Wappat:
How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?

Contestant (long pause):
Fourteen days.


Melanie Sykes:
What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep
at any time?



Johnny Weissmuller died on this day.. Which jungle-swinging character clad
only in a loin cloth did he play?



From: Seasoldier
Subject: Women beware.........

 Click here


From: Stumpy Steve

Apparently Apple have scr*pped plans for a new ipod for kids.
Apparently the name 'iTouch kids' was not suitable.


From: Whizzbang
Subject: Drummer Boy - talk about talent..!!

Watch the facial expressions on his face when he spots his Mom &
Dad...Talented little guy..

Turn up your volume!

You can sure tell when he spots his mom or dad.

What a talented little guy... hit the link and enjoy !!!!!

 Click here



I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die
of natural causes.

 Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a
weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the
ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

  There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

 Life is s*xually transmitted..

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a groove and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks
about seeing UFOs like they used to?

 Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.  Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a  bushfire, but it takes a whole
box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm going to eat
the next thing that comes out of its  ar*e.  '

  Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

 If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

 Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

 Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
but when you take him on a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

 Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

 Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?


Two Gay Men

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm together and have a
surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it.

When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the
eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one baby is
smiling serenely.

A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out the
happy child as theirs.

'Isn't it wonderful?' one gay says to the other.
"All these unhappy babies .... and yet our baby is so happy. This just
proves the superiority of gay love!'

The nurse says, 'Oh sure he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I
pull the thermometer out of his ar*e!'


From: Anonymous

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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 Click here


From: Burnout
Subject: Will it work?

 Click here


Dorito Dog....

 Click here


Subject: Burka  (XXX)

 Click here


Subject: What a boot........

 Click here


Subject: Victoria's Secret is Answered Finally..............

 Click here


From: Moose
Subject: Magic Richmond moments

 Click here


From: New Forest Robin
Subject: Ironic

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here


From: Sack

True Friendship... ... SCOTTISH STYLE!!
(None of that Sissy sh*te)
Are ye tired of those p*ss weak 'friendship' poems that always sound good,
but never actually come close to reality? Well, here are a series of
promises that actually speak of true friendship... You will see no cute
wee smiley faces on this card . Just the stone cold truth of a great

1. When ye are sad -- I will help you get p*ssed and plot revenge against
the bastard who made ye sad.

2. When ye are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking ye.

3. When ye smile -- I will know ye are thinking of something that I would
probably want to be involved in.

4. When ye are scared -- I will shake the p*ss out of ye every chance I
until you're

5. When ye are worried -- I will tell ye stories about how much worse it
could be until YE

6... When yer confused -- I will try to use only wee words.

7... When ye are sick -- Stay the f*#% away from me until ye are well

I don't want whatever ye've got.

8... When ye fall, I will laugh my effin head off at you, you clumsy ar*e,

....... but I'll help you up.

9... This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end.

'Why?' you may ask;

Because you are my friend.

Friendship is like p*ssing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you
can feel the true...


From: Stumpy Steve
Subject: Green" Golf Shoes"

First seen at the 2010 Masters Tournament:
Nike Markets New Green Shoes

 Click here


From: Whizzbang
Subject:  Astronomie2:

 Click here



A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the

She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed,
sweating and panting.

'What's up?'  she asks.

'I think I'm having a heart attack,'  -   cries the husband..

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing,
her four-year-old son comes up

And says,   "Mummy Mummy Auntie Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe & she has
no clothes on"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom
right past her husband  ........   rips open the wardrobe door and sure
enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.

'You rotten Bitch' she screams, 'My husband's having a heart attack and
you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'


From: Whizzbang
Subject:  Learn As You Go

One for newly wed retirees.

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel,
climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by
three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out
and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd
learn more about each other as we went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps.

After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel
and was hardly out of breath.

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Mildura, but I worked both sides of
the Murray !!!


Subject:  Change is definitely taking place

A change is definitely taking place !!!!!

Very interesting! If every picture is worth a thousand words, these two are
worth two MILLION words!!

This is Lahore in Pakistan ...

 Click here

And this is Dewsbury (West Yorkshire) in the United Kingdom...

 Click here


Subject: Southwest police motorcycle competition09'

 Click here



When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that
I should get it fixed..

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck,
the car, playing golf.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for
a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and
I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said,

'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.


Subject:  Siberian Rigs

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Subject:  Dump Truck.... OOooooops!!!!!

 Click here


Subject: These are a big seller

I know a few people that need these.... have ordered 10 packets.....

 Click here


Subject:  World's Most Challenging Footwear

Not much left to be said about this guy...

 Click here


Subject: Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders (XX - ED)

 Click here


Would you eat it?

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


It's bread ! Baked in special 'forms' and decorated with special techniques
... but it remains bread.
The question is : "Would you buy it for your family ? Would you eat it?"
The bakery is in the Thai province Ratchaburi, 100 km east of Bangkok .
They pretend to honor the Buddhist principle that you shouldn't believe
what you see.

Bon appétit !


Subject:  Friday Motivationals

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From: anonymous
Subject: Deepwater Horizon

 Click here


From: anonymous (Good to see you back - ED)
Subject: Would you buy a car from this dealer?

 Click here


Subject: Fwd: To all Dog and Cat Lovers!

Be certain to follow these instructions carefully:

How to Give a Cat a Pill

1.  Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a

Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and
gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.  As cat
opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.

Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2.  Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.

Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3.  Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4.  Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws
tightly with left hand.

Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.  Hold
mouth shut for a count of ten.

5.  Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.

Call spouse in from the garden.

6.  Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and
rear paws.

Ignore low growls emitted by cat.  Get spouse to hold head firmly with one
hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.  Drop pill down ruler and rub
cat's throat vigorously.

7.  Retrieve cat from curtain rail.

Get another pill from foil wrap.  Make note to buy new ruler and repair
curtains.  Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and
set to one side for gluing later.

8.  Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit.

Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow
down drinking straw

9.  Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer
to take taste away.  Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood
from carpet with cold water and soap.

10.  Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.

Get another pill.  Open another beer.  Place cat in cupboard, and close
door onto neck, to leave head showing.  Force mouth open with dessert
Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11.  Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Drink beer.  Fetch bottle of scotch.  Pour shot, drink.

Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus
shot.  Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.  Toss back another
shot.  Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12.  Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree
across the road.  Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while
swerving to avoid cat.

Take last pill from foil wrap.

13.  Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s
front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of
dining table.
Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak.  Be rough
about it.  Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to
wash pill down.

14.  Consume remainder of scotch.  Get spouse to drive you to the emergency
room.  Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes
pill remnants from right eye.  Call furniture shop on way home to order
new table.

15.  Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet
shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1.  Wrap it in bacon.

2.  Toss it in the air.


Quote of the Week:

The problem with doing nothing is not knowing when you're finished.

- Benjamin Franklin

[ End friday humour ]

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