Friday humour - May 21, 2010



[ from Davo @ Bluehaze ]


G'day


It truly is a shame that Australian politics is riddled with spin doctors.

In the last few weeks we've had PM Rudd put the greatest moral challenge of
our time on the back burner for three years.

This week we've had Opposition Leader Abbott assert that anything he says
in the heat of the moment is not to be trusted.  We are only to believe
anything that has been carefully considered and pre-scripted.

I guess things aren't that different in the UK, where the Tory Leader (who
seemingly was born with a silver spoon in his mouth) has just gone into
coalition with the Lib-Dem guy who he's consistently called a joke.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

This came from an anonomous lady who we'll call Lotty

                                 Lexophiles Laughs!

No point in wasting these on people without peculiar senses of humour -

LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS)

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

6. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

7. The guy who fell onto on upholstery machine was fully recovered.

8. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

9. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

10. A calendar's days are numbered.

11. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

12. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

13. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at
large.

14. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

15. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

16. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

17. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

18. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

19. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

20. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

21. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir C*mference. He
acquired his size from too much pi.

22. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out
to be an optical Aleutian.

23. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

24. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was
a weapon of math disruption.

25. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationary.

26. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

27. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

28. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking
into it.

29. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

30. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

31. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

32. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his
grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

33. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned
veteran.

34. Don't join dangerous cults: practice safe sects.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

And from Biggus

                                      Making A Point

An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United
Nations Assembly which made the world community smile.

A representative from Israel began: "Before beginning my talk I want to
tell you something about Moses. When he struck the rock and it brought
forth water, he thought, 'What a good opportunity to have a bath!' He
removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water.
When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A
Palestinian had stolen them."

The Palestinian representative jumped up furiously and shouted, "What are
you talking about? The Palestinians weren't there then."

The Israeli representative smiled and said, "And now that we have made that
clear, I will begin my speech."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

This is from Smithie of Nottingham

                       The History of the Middle Finger

Well, now...... here's something I never knew before, and now that I know
it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the
hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you
know something about it?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory
over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured
English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw
the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of
fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native
English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking
the yew" (or "pluck yew").

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and
began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated
French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew!

Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant
cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative
F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the
one-finger-salute!

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the
longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."

IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From Seasoldier

                             British Hospitals - True Stories

1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. and yells . . . 'My wife's going to have
her baby in the taxi'. I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted
the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after
protests from the lady I noticed that there were several taxis - - - and I
was in the wrong one. Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , St.. Andrews Hosp.
Glasgow

2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' I
instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.. Submitted
by
Dr. Richard Barnes , St. Thomas's Bath

3 One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.. Not more than five
minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of
the family that he had died of a * 'massive internal fart.' *

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp.

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he
was having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one ?'. . .. I
asked.
'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now
I'm running out of places to put it!' I had him quickly undress and
discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty
patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old
patch before applying a new one. Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St .. Clair ,
Norfolk General

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How long
have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered
'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was still alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking
up on a man I asked . . ...' So how was your breakfast this morning?'
'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to
the taste.'. . Bob replied. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced
a foil packet labelled 'KY Jelly.' Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon .
Bristol Infirmary.

7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair
styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and
wearing strange clothing, entered . . It was quickly determined that the
patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate
operation.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the
staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there
was a tattoo that read .. . .'Keep off the grass' Once the surgery was
completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which
read 'Sorry .. . . had to mow the lawn.' Submitted by Staff Nurse RN Elaine
Fogerty , KGH London
Dr. wouldn't submit his name


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                           Church fart - Short n Funny!

An elderly couple are attending church service. About halfway through, she
writes a note and hands it to her husband.

It says, " I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He scribbles back , " Put a new battery in your hearing aid....!"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

This stuff came from Whizzbang

                                        A Soldier

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide
under your skirt. I'll explain later.' The nun agreed.

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen
a soldier?' The nun replied, 'He went that way.'

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and
said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to
Afghanistan .'

The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of
legs!'

The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a
great pair of balls.... I don't want to go to Afghanistan either.'


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                    Social injustice

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up:


You spend most of your Time in a 10X10 cell

@ PRISON

You spend most of your Time in an 6X6 cubicle

@ WORK

You get three meals a Day, fully paid for

@ PRISON

You get a break for one meal and You have to pay for it

@ WORK

For good behavior, You get time off

For good behavior, You get more work

@ PRISON The guard locks and unlocks All the doors for you

@ PRISON

@ WORK You must carry a security card And open all the doors yourself

@ WORK

You can watch TV And play games

@ PRISON

You could get fired for watching TV and playing games

@ WORK

You get your own toilet

@ PRISON

You have to share the toilet with People who pee on the seat

@ WORK

They allow your family And friends to visit

@ PRISON

You aren't even supposed to speak To your family

@ WORK

All expenses are paid by the Taxpayers with no Work required

@ PRISON

You must pay all your expenses to go To work, and they deducttaxes from
Your salary to pay for prisoners

@ WORK

You spend most of your life behind Bars wanting to get out

You spend most of your time wanting To get out and go inside bars

@ PRISON You must deal with sadistic wardens

@ WORK

They're called 'managers'


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

A quickie from Trina

                                        Real Man

A man goes into a restaurant. A beautiful waitress comes over to serve him
and asks what would he like. He says, "I want a quickie." She slaps him,
"Just give me your order, Mister!"

The man says, "I want a quickie!" She slaps him again,"Last chance! What do
you want!!"

The man insists "Look, I really want a quickie!"

Another customer leans over the booth and says, "I think that's pronounced
quiche."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From Anon  [ funny about that ... Tasteless Joke of the Week - Ed ]


                     Dog For Sale    or     Free to good home.

Excellent guard dog. Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are
no more drug pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the
neighborhood for him to eat. Most of them knew Jethro only by his Oriental
street name, Ho Lee Schitt.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

More from Anon

                           HOW TO HANDLE A HUSBAND

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in
Montego Bay , Jamaica . Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk
of the town. People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple". The
local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and
happy marriage.

The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America ,"
explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona , and took a
trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far
when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down
at the horse and quietly said, "That's once." "We proceeded a little
further and her horse stumbled again. Again my wife quietly said, "That's
twice. " We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third
time my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse
dead.

I SHOUTED at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor
animal like that, are you f*ckin crazy!?" She looked at ME, and quietly
said, "That's once."

And from that moment..... we have lived happily ever after."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


This weeks A/V files are from Canadian Muse, Stumpy Steve, Indigo Flow,
Seasoldier, Allnutts, Mitta, Burnout, Smithie of Nottingham, Seagull, and
good old Whizzbang.


IN WALKS THE DOG.....
Dinner party for 8 - at the comfort of your home $250 ...
Wine for guests - $80....
Your parents are there,
Your in-laws are there,
Your boss and his wife are there,
The Parish Priest is there
You're all settling down for a nice relaxing evening dinner,
Then ...
In Walks The Dog.....
 Click here

Pakistani declares Jihad on glass door.
 Click here

Taliban Singles Online
 Click here

The guy flying this bird was cutting it fine!
 Click here

Homeless Signs
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Amazing magician from Japan
 Click here

Mainly Industrial OH & S Issues
 Click here

Needs rectifying...
This is funnier (sadder) than Yes Minister - this needs rectifying. And the
national debt rises...
The plush new headquarters of the Department of Climate Change in Canberra
/ The Daily Telegraph Source: 
No climate staff to be axed despite U-turn. $12m a year salary bill for 408
public servants.  Rent for new offices $8m. TAXPAYERS will pay $90 million
a year to keep 408 public servants employed in the Federal Climate Change
Department - despite most of them now having nothing to do until 2013. 
More than 60 of them are classified as senior executive staff on salaries
between $168,000 and $298,000 a year. Their salary bill alone will cost an
estimated $12 million every year. A further $8 million will also be paid in
rent for plush offices at Canberra's Constitution Place until 2012, where
it is believed 500 new computers will be delivered this week. Despite
Prime
Minister Kevin Rudd's decision on Tuesday to suspend the failed Carbon
Pollution Reduction Scheme until at least 2013, the department has ruled
out plans to cut back staff. A formal response by department secretary
Martin
Parkinson to a Senate estimates hearing on Tuesday - the same day as the
scheme's suspension - claimed the department would not offer
redundancies. 
The formal response, obtained by The Daily
Click here
ng-90- million/story-e6freuy9-1225859616207 , said there were no plans for
"the immediate future" of any scaling back of staff. According to official
figures, the number of top-paid bureaucrats being paid up to $298,000 a
year has almost doubled since January this year from 39 to 61. That was to
gear up for establishment of the Australian Climate
Change Regulatory Authority, which will also now have no function. Since
last year.
 Click here

How to pick up chicks
 Click here

Hot
 Click here

Angela (Miller Lite commercial)
 Click here

It didn't take long did it?
 Click here

Menu In Denmark.............. (adult)
A restaurant in Denmark has a "walking menu."
Have you ever come across any menu like this anywhere in USA?
Check out the walking menu, Fine dining!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Mum & baby photos
 Click here

Army
 Click here

Table For Sale
This is funny! Don't cheat! Try to figure it out?
How can you tell this table is being sold by a man??
This table was for sale on eBay.?
How can you tell it is being sold by a man??
Can you solve this little riddle??
First look and guess.?
 Click here
You will find the answer below, but don't cheat!?
Know the answer? If not, scroll down now....?

OK,?
Go back and look in the mirror. Remember, if you are posting a picture on
the world-wideweb, WEAR CLOTHES when taking the picture. I NEVER LAUGHED
SO
HARD...AND IT WAS POSTED ON eBay!!

A Few Loose Bolts??
 Click here

Brothel Menu from 1912...    [ XXX Coar*e ]
 Click here Click here

When vandalism is funny
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Irony
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Mondays are always tough
 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Finally a couple from Burnout

                 Quoted by : Ross Greenwood of Money News.

Right now the Federal Government is at pains to tell everyone - including
us the mug-punters and the International Monetary Fund that it will not
exceed its own, self-imposed, borrowing limits.  How much? $200 billion. 
And here's a worry.  If you work in a bank's money market operation; or if
you are a politician; the millions turn into billions and it rolls off the
tip of the tongue a bit too easily.  But every dollar that is borrowed,
some time, has to be repaid.  By you, by me and by the rest of the
country. Just after 5 o'clock tonight I did a bit of maths for Jason
Morrison.  But it's so staggering its worth repeating now.  First though;
here's what Chairman
Rudd has been saying about - what he calls - these temporary borrowings. 
Remember Those Words : Temporary Deficit.  but the total Government debt
could end up around $200 billion.  So here's a very basic calculation... 
I used a home loan calculator to work it out...  it's that simple.  $200
billion is $200,000 million.  The current 10 year Government bond rate is
4.67 per cent.  I worked the loan out over a period of 20 years. Now here's
where it gets scary...  really scary.  The repayments on $200 billion come
to more than one and a quarter billion dollars - every month - for 20
years.  It works out we - as taxpayers - will be repaying $154 billion in
interest and principal every year...  $733 for every man woman and child -
every year.  The total interest bill over the 20 years is - get this - $108
billion.  Remember, this is a Government that just 18 months ago had NO
debt .  NO debt.  In fact it had enough money to create the Future Fund to
pay the future liabilities of public servants' superannuation...  and it
had enough to stick $20 billion into the Building Australia Fund last
year...
Money News Presenter, Ross Greenwood Who were the d*ck-heads who voted
these spin-doctoring bozo's into office? Alan Jones Comment - this is
frightening:
Hmmmmm?? He continues...  a note that was sent to me which explains that
the six leading members of the Government from Mr.  Rudd down, the top six
have a collective work experience of 181 years, but only 13 in the private
sector. If you take out of those 13 years the number that were spent as
trade union lawyers that total 11, of the 181 years only two years were
spent in the private sector. So the people who will rack up a net Federal
debt of a minimum of $188 billion, the highest in our history, have
virtually no experience in business. So out of those 181 years:
- no years spent running their own business - no years spent starting their
own business - no years spent as a director of a family business or a
company - no years as a director of a public company - no years in a
senior position in a public company - no years in a senior position in a
private company - no years working in corporate finance - no years in
corporate or business restructuring - no years working in or with a bank -
no years of experience in the capital markets - no years in a stock-broking
firm - no years in negotiating debt facilities with banks - no years
running a small business - no years at the World Bank or IMF or OECD - no
years in Treasury or Finance. But these people have plunged Australia into
unprecedented debt, and now threaten to torpedo employee share schemes
which they plainly don't understand. Well, in a way you can't blame them. 
It's clear the electorate did not do their homework, because the Gov't is
there by right. If you have read this you may like to pass it on to your
friends as you, them and me, will be repaying the above.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


On my way home last night I noticed an Adelaide Crows season ticket nailed
to a tree.

I thought, stuff it, I'll have that, you can never have too many nails....


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Quote of the Week:


              " er ... ah ... um ... gospel truth"


                        - Tony Abbott, Leader, Liberal Party Of Australia


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-end-_.___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___



--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End friday humour ]

 Previous (May 14, 2010)  Index Next (May 28, 2010)