Friday humour - May 14, 2010

The UK gets a conservative Government because Gordon Brown is too
ambitious/arrogant. Kevin Rudd learns that promises need to be kept. John
Brumby gives already promised money a makeover as a new budget. Barak
Obama goes super-quiet again. Greece learns that banks are evil, but
politicians are the Devil. BP shrugs and says "Oops!" when three
fail-safes all fail unsafe.

All in all a fairly normal week (yawn).

This weeks collection comes courtesy of Allnutts, Burnout, Kaos_reflex,
Mitta, Moose, Muse, Nottingham Smithie, Sack, Stumpy Steve,
Whizzbang, and the indefatigable Anonymous.

Enjoy!

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Tuesday last week has been declared International Star Wars Day.

May the 4th be with you

Obi Wan

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Chinese Cadillac commercial ... WOW!
 Click here

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Cinco de Mayo, The "True" Story

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was
manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of
the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be
the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This
would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered
to Mexico.

But as we know the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an
iceberg and sank and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who
were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery were
disconsolate at the loss.

Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning
which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th, and is known of
course as Sinko de Mayo.

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Show your support for Kevin Rudd ...

As a rule, I don't pass along these "add your name" lists that appear in
emails, BUT this one is important. áIt has been circulating for months and
has been sent to over 20 million people.

We don't want to lose any names on the list so just hit forward and send it
on.á áá
Please keep it going!á áá
To show your support foráKevin Ruddáplease go to the end of the list and
add your name.á

1.ááMs. Teres Rain.
2.

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It's magic.
 Click here

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Might need one of these ...
 Click here

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So there were the three sisters, Jan, Ann and F*nny. All three had very big
feet, Jans a size 9, Ann a 10 and f*nny a 13.

One night Jan and Ann went on a blind date. During the evening the men
mentioned their big feet to which the girls replied, "You should see our
F*nny's, they're bloody huge!"

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Summer nights:

As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you
and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night.

You came to me unexpectedly during the calm and balmy night, and what
happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

You appeared from no where and shamelessly, without any reservations, you
laid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference, so you applied your
hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near
crazy while you drained me.

Finally, I drifted off to sleep.

Today when I awoke, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only
the sheets bore witness to last night's events.

My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making it
all the more difficult to forget you.

Tonight, I will remain awake, waiting for you ... you f*cking mosquito.

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The outhouse.

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need
to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is; now git out there and fix it."

So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There
ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!

"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back,
"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole then starts yelling, "Ma!
Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?!"

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Rasta inmates spend 10 years in isolation for hair

 Click here

Sometimes I wonder if the human race is sane. Maybe we are all crazy.

This guy is in prison. If they don't like his hair being so long, why don't
they just cut it off? Oh, they say, that would violate his civil rights. So
instead, they lock him up in solitary confinement for 10 years. Like that
doesn't violate his civil rights?
Stuff like this makes me think I was born on the wrong planet.

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Wrong room.

Roy, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.

"What happened to you?" asked his wife.

"I had a terrible day." replied Roy . "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a
man who had died in his sleep.

When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag
because he had this huge erection.

Anyway, I went up and sure enough there was this big naked guy lying on the
bed with this huge erection.

So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."

"I see" said his wife, "but how did you get the black eye?"

Roy replied: "Wrong room."

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'Geordie's' grandmother was taken into care last week suffering from
dementia. Every dinner time she walks up and down the corridor of the
nursing home in her nightgown occasionally opening it and shouting
'supers*x'. She stopped at one old man in a wheelchair,
opened her nightgown and said 'supers*x'. He thought for a moment and
replied, 'I'll have the soup pet.'

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Aliens Are Here.

Female aliens are invading the earth and kidnapping men with big d*cks ...

You're not in any danger, I just emailed you to say goodbye.

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Some say the Brits are two gin and tonics short of a personality, but this
Brit humour is pretty good.? Cheerio!!

I've just come out of the chippy with a meat and potato pie, large chips,
mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've
not eaten for two days'. I told him 'I wish I had your f*cking will power'

A woman buys a wall mirror from B & Q. The Manager asks 'would you like a
screw for that mirror?'. No she said 'but I'll suck your c*ck for a lawn
mower'.

Top tip; if you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the
next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her
flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual s*x...........Wish
me luck in court next Monday.

I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today. Apparently the
instruction 'finish off on her face' didn't mean what I thought it did.

A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time. She said 'Sorry about
the wait'. I replied 'Don't worry you fat bitch, you'll lose it eventually'

Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts. Murphy meets him
& asks 'If I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can I have
one? Paddy said 'If you can guess how many doughnuts are in there you can
have both of them'. Murphy shouts 'Four!'

One of life's great mysteries - How is it that a woman can fit an
eight-inch vibrator into her half inch snatch IN THE DARK, but can't fit
an eight-foot car into a fifteen-foot parking space IN BROAD F*CKING
DAYLIGHT.?

Marriage counsellor to a couple who are contemplating divorce. 'Tell me
something both of you have in common'. Husband after a long awkward
silence 'Well neither of us sucks c*ck'.

Snow he! The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I
thought to myself 'She'll be f*cking lucky with a face like that!'

I have a new chat up line that works everytime!! It doesn't matter how
gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I
always end up in bed with them ... Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love,
could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to
you?'

Years ago it was suggested 'that an apple a day kept the doctor away'. But
since all the doctors are now Muslims, I've found that a bacon sandwich
works a treat!

The local mosque is having a bonfire tonight but keep it a secret ... they
don't know about it yet!

My girlfriend says the hardest thing in the world is to balance a career
and a family. She's obviously never tried to balance a laptop on her knees
while having a wank.

SKY SPORTS BREAKING NEWS:? It has been announced that next year's shirt
sponsor for TIGER WOODS will be Tampax.? A spokesman for
Tampax said "To sponsor a c*nt going through a bad period is exactly what
our company is all about."

When I put my Christmas lights up this year I wasn't sure whether or not it
would offend my Muslim neighbours. So just to be on the safe side I painted
'Allah is a c*nt' on my garage door.

5000 men surveyed were asked why they like bl*wjobs:
1% liked the warmth 2% liked the sensation 3% liked the eroticism 94% just
liked the peace and quiet

Just wanted to let you know that in 2010 I will no longer be forwarding or
sending racist jokes. Racism is a crime. And crime is for black people.

Be careful out there. Driving conditions are awful. Today I slid off the
road and hit a Muslim. It took two fields and a golf course, but I got the
twat in the end.

I was having great s*x today when just as we got towards the climax my wife
completely ruined the moment and said those words that just fills a man's
heart with fear dread & panic ... "Hi Honey I'm home".

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Big Fat Pig

Man, I used to date a big fat f*cking pig.

Big girl. Keeps her vibrator on a gun rack.

Keeps her contraceptive foam in a fire extinguisher.

One night she forgot her diaphragm, we used a hubcap.

She took off all her clothes, laid in bed, spread her legs ... I said to
myself, "What am I doing in this lane? I don't have exact change."

But she was always fat. She was born an only twin.

She used to find money that was left under her pillow by the tusk fairy.

I mean, you know a girl is fat if she's standing in front of you naked and
you can't see her pubic hair.

Her last gynaecologist quit. He's afraid of the dark.

She puts in her tampons with a bazooka.

One night there was a fire in her apartment building, and the firemen were
using her diaphragm to catch the people who were jumping out of the
windows.

I took her to Mount Rushmore, she couldn't decide which face to sit on.

It takes her an hour to take a dump ... Forty-five minutes just to line up
the holes.

Of course, she insists that she's not fat, it's just that they built the
sidewalks too close to her ass.

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EDGAR MUELLER'S LATEST 3D PROJECTS
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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There I fixed it ...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Tobogganing Doggies!
 Click here

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Tattoo of the year ...
 Click here

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Possibly the best cartoon of this century?
 Click here

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Hummingbirds
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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The Wedding Cake
 Click here

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Whats Luck Got To Do With It ...
 Click here

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The Woman Of The Year!
 Click here

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Irony.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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How a batter bowl should be licked!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats
quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees,
and he begins to think irrationally.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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The art of saying NO!

 Click here

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Piercing
 Click here

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Skippy
 Click here

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For those crack addicts out there
 Click here

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Cattleman Speak
 Click here

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Chewing gum experiment
 Click here

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Coon run over between Bundaberg and Cairns.
 Click here

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DOZER lift
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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The Helpful Taxman!

This is a real reply from the Inland Revenue UK. The Guardian newspaper had
to ask for special permission to print it.

Dear Mr Addison,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply
to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you
raise. I will address them, as ever, in order.

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging
letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand".
This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy,
traditionally referred to such doc*ments.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of
cr*pulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on
to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen
the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their
being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and puissant
gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the
toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common
with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters
do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity".
More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a
responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth
in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the
canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's
rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the
government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party"
yourself.

The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds
levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the
mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish
lickspittles" and "squalid freeloaders" whilst far more than you have
accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking fašade of a
university system."

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:

1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do
with the vagaries of the postal system;

2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrow of those with nothing
else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the
Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical
logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way
wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out
that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and
live in India" you would still owe us the money.

Please send it to us by Friday.

Yours sincerely,

H J Lee
Customer Relations

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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