Friday humour - April 23, 2010

[ From Davo @ Bluehaze ]


ANZAC Day comes around again on Sunday.  It commemorates all the Aussie and
Kiwi lives lost at Gallipoli which Mother England orchestrated on 25 April
1915 when it invaded Turkey ... for one reason or another.  A suicide
mission for so many ... whilst the British generals sat there in boats
drinking rum and smoking cigars.

It's great now that Aussies, Kiwis, and Turks can all meet at this
spectacular location once a year to think about the futility of war.

While on the subject ...

It's become a 15 year tradition for the Collingwood Magpies to play the
Essendon Bombers at the MCG on ANZAC Day.  These are two of the richest
clubs in the Australian Football League.

Why can't other clubs get a piece of the cake?  (And I'm a Magpie
Flash Eddie would be appalled with me.)

And another footy bit of trivia ...   The ailing North Melbourne Football
Club pioneered Friday night matches 25 years ago.  They'd been struggling
financially before ... and have been ever since.  For several years they
called themselves The Kangaroos in case they had to relocate rather than
go under altogether.  They've always been willing to play on Friday
Yet this year they're only scheduled to play one Friday game at the MCG.


"Money, money, money
 Must be funny  In the rich man's world  Money, money, money  Always sunny 
In the rich man's world  Aha-ahaaa  All the things I could do  If I had a
little money  It's a rich man's world"     - ABBA

My favourite funny this week is "Over Zealous Parking Officer" sent in by
the prolific Whizzbang Pooley.

I've never had any taste ...


First up something from our bashful anonymous contributors


1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was
God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10... Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14... Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18.. Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23.. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD..
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand
times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs... A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28... The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.


     AARP Information Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, s*xy women who are
interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.
when you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that
true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses..

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on
my face?
A: Go braless.. It will quite often pull them out.

Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter
antique stores?
A: 'Gosh, I remember these.


                      HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY IN COURT!

These are from a book entitled "Disorder in the American Courts," and are
verbatim quotes of things people actually said in court, as recorded and
now published by court reporters who had to stay calm and keep a straight
face while the exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!


ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.


ATTORNEY: Are you s*xually active?

WITNESS: No , I just lie there.


ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?


ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?


ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.


WITNESS: We do..


WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.


ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep ,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?


ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?

WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.


ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you sh*tting me?


ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?


ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid


ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?


ATTORNEY: How many were boys?


ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new


ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death..

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.


ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.


ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead

WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.


ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral...


ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.


ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?


And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a


ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?


ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?


ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?


ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing


These came from Stumpy Steve

            Dear? iceland,
            We said please send 'cash'.
            Yours sincerely,
            United Kingdom


I'm voting for the Icelandic Volcano Party. It's done more to stop
immigration in the past 5 days than the Labour party in the past 10 years


                                   Holistic Medicine

Ahkmed the Arab came to Australia from the Middle East, and he was only
here a few months when he became very ill.  He went to doctor after
doctor, but none of them could help him.

Finally, he went to an Arabic doctor who said: 'Take dees bucket, go into
de odder room, poop in de bucket, pee on de poop, and den put your head
down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.'

Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket,
peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said, 'It worked. I feel terrific! What was
wrong with me?'

The doctor said .... 'You were homesick'.


These came from Whizzbang

A Poem Worth Reading before ANZAC Day

He was getting old and paunchy
And his hair was falling fast,
And he sat around the RSL,
Telling stories of the past.

Of a war that he once fought in
And the deeds that he had done,
In his exploits with his buddies;
They were heroes, every one.

And 'tho sometimes to his neighbors
His tales became a joke,
All his buddies listened quietly
For they knew where of he spoke.

But we'll hear his tales no longer,
For ol' Bob has passed away,
And the world's a little poorer
For a Soldier died today.

He won't be mourned by many,
Just his children and his wife..
For he lived an ordinary,
Very quiet sort of life.

He held a job and raised a family,
Going quietly on his way;
And the world won't note his passing,
'Tho a Soldier died today.

When politicians leave this earth,
Their bodies lie in state,
While thousands note their passing,
And proclaim that they were great.

Papers tell of their life stories
From the time that they were young
But the passing of a Soldier
Goes unnoticed, and unsung.

Is the greatest contribution
To the welfare of our land,
Some jerk who breaks his promise
And cons his fellow man?

Or the ordinary fellow
Who in times of war and strife,
Goes off to serve his country
And offers up his life?

The politician's stipend
And the style in which he lives,
Are often disproportionate,
To the service that he gives.

While the ordinary Soldier,
Who offered up his all,
Is paid off with a medal
And perhaps a pension, small.

It's so easy to forget them,
For it is so many times
That our Bobs and Jims and Johnnys,
Went to battle, but we know,

It is not the politicians
With their compromise and ploys,
Who won for us the freedom
That our country now enjoys.

Should you find yourself in danger,
With your enemies at hand,
Would you really want some cop-out,
With his ever waffling stand?

Or would you want a Soldier--
His home, his country, his kin,
Just a common Soldier,
Who would fight until the end.

He was just a common Soldier,
And his ranks are growing thin,
But his presence should remind us
We may need his like again.

For when countries are in conflict,
We find the Soldier's part
Is to clean up all the troubles
That the politicians start.

If we cannot do him honor
While he's here to hear the praise,
Then at least let's give him homage
At the ending of his days..

Perhaps just a simple headline
In the paper that might say:

A veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check
made payable to 'Australia', 'New Zealand', 'Canada' 'The United States'
or any other God fearing country for an amount "up to and including my

That is Honor, and there are way too many people in this WORLD who no
longer understand it.


[ WARNING!  McAfee reported a security alert when I visited this site  - Ed

                                   GPS technology


Cell Phone number

This is SCARY.

I typed in my number and sure enough they gave the location.

Want to find out where your partner or employee is?

Want to track his or her whereabouts?

Well, good ol ' Google Earth just got better... Type in his or her cell
phone number and you'll get the location of That person!

Give it a try it's incredible !!!

Click on Link Below:

 Click here


                                     The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and
rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had s*x all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard! You've been
playing golf!'

                                     The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about
having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at
the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind
my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'

                                      The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a
startling discovery.

Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented,

'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part It
must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening
his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'

                                      The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talc*m powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue..'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I
got one for us, too.'

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a
sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days
at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

                                       The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:

'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down

                                      The 6th & Best Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your
best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'


To the AV stuff now, and they're from ... Muse on Thames, Stumpy Steve,
Diks, Mitta, Burnout, Sack, Whizzbang, 4M, Biggus, and know who you
are.  Not too many new videos this week ...

How to cuddle with an elephant seal...
 Click here

Even if you don't like or play golf, you've gotta see this guy!!!

 Click here

Waffley wife
The poor man couldn't pronounce his  "L's"  They paid a lot for the
videographers who did a great job!  This couple is going to cherish this
video forever.  If the bride's laugh doesn't   start you laughing, you've
lost your funny bone.
 Click here

Over Zealous Parking Officer
 Click here

More from Eyjafjallajokull - The Big Picture -
 Click here

Santa's redneck sleigh
 Click here

Rules to live by
 Click here

"And thus, dear students, we have arrived at the formula for understanding
 Click here

Oldest Airliner in Flying Condition........ !!!
It is 34 ft long and 13 feet tall with a wing span of  44 1/2 feet.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

The Cure
 Click here

 Click here

Just the Ticket - City of Melbourne
 Click here

Seniors Advice to Tiger -
                  When you see a woman....
                  And want her badly..
                  Please consider the following....
                  No matter how beautiful she is.....
 Click here
                  No matter how s*xy she is....
 Click here
                  No matter how seductive she is...
                  No matter how huge her breasts are...
 Click here
                  . . . . . . I forgot where I was going with this. . . . .
 Click here

It happens in Greece !
       The  new law bans smoking since 7/1/2009
       Look  how many cigarettes are in the ashtray  in  this restaurant
       Look  in the ashtray, the ashtray, the ashtray!
 Click here

Neighbours new car
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Rare photo of the Crackatinni Tribe
Experts thought the infamous Crackatinni tribe had been wiped out years ago
until researchers stumbled upon a small cluster of tribe members in the
middle of the harsh Australian outback.
The researchers were forced to approach quietly, lest they scare the
inhabitants away before getting a chance to photograph them in their
natural state.
 Click here

Quite a show just to close a gate ...
India-Pakistan Border Nightly Closing:
This is not Monty Python, but you might wonder!  It's the India-Pakistan
Border NIGHTLY Closing Ceremony.
The Wagah border is the only road linking India and Pakistan. Every night,
the border is closed with a most unusual ceremony and there's a grandstand
to sit in and watch.  Only 156 seconds long, it is one of the strangest
ceremonies ever.
 Click here


These are from Kaos_reflex

                                         Funnies ...

* I'm living next door to an aboriginal couple at the moment....  They have
3 little kids and they've challenged me to a water fight in the back yard,
so I'm just writing to you while the kettle boils!

* Can you spare just $2? Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Namibia. He has
only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to school
along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1
If you send us just $2, we will send you the video. Its f*cking hilarious.

* I've caught a stray parrot in my garden. All he says is good morning you
ugly c _ _ t?  It's not yours is it?

* I'm sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for donations.
Just had one from the sperm bank.  F*ck !!!!  Did I give her a mouthful.

* Been to the optometrist today and he told me I was colour blind. I'm
f*cking worried now that some of my mates could be coons. If you are, can
you delete my number? Ta

* A bloke starts work in a maternity hospital. Nurse tells him to bath a
newborn aboriginal baby. She goes to check on him and he's swishing the
aboriginal baby round the bath with a stick. You don't bath a baby like
that she said.  He said, You do when the water's this f*cking hot!

* There's a new anti-depressant for lesbians on the market:  Trycoxagain.

* I failed my biology exam today. I was asked to name 2 things commonly
found in cells.  Apparently, aboriginals and Lebanese rapists is not the
correct answer.


                                       Da hooker

An Aboriginal picks up a hooker.

'How much do ya charge for da hour, sista?' he asks.

'$100,' she replies.

He says 'Do ya do Aboriginal style?'

'No' she says.

'I pay ya $200 do it Aboriginal style'

'No', she says, not knowing what Aboriginal style is.

'I pay ya $300'

'No', she says.

'I pay ya $400'

'No', she says.

So finally he says, 'OK, I pay ya $1,000 to do it Aboriginal style,'

She thinks, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had
every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world.  How bad
could Aboriginal style be?''.

So she agrees and has s*x with him.

They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position.  Finally,
after several hours, they finish.

Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'Hey, I was expecting
something perverted and disgusting.  But that was good. So what exactly is
'Aboriginal style'?'

The Aboriginal replies 'You send da bill to da Guv'ment.'


A quickie from Sack

                                     Little Johnny

A guy is walking down the street and sees Little Johnny smoking a

He says, "Kid, you're too young to smoke."

Johnny looks up but doesn't say anything.

The man asks, "Son, how old are you?"

Little Johnny says, "Six."

Stunned, the man says, "Six!? When did you start smoking?"

Johnny replies, "Right after the first time I had s*x."

"Right after the first time you had s*x? When was that?"

Little Johnny answers, "I don't remember. I was drunk."


Finally from Burnout

                    Browsing old cemeteries ...

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down.
It was.


In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:

Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no place to go.


On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:

Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.
Only The Good Die Young.


In a London, England cemetery:

Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid but died an old Mann. 
Dec. 8, 1767


In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:

Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread, and the Lord sent them manna. 
Clark Wallace wanted a wife, and the Devil sent him Anna.


In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:

Here lies Johnny Yeast...
Pardon him for not rising.


In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.


In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:

Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.


A lawyer's epitaph in England:

Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer, and that is Strange.


John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:

Reader, if cash thou art in want of any, Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find
a Penny.


In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:

On the 22nd of June, 
Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.


Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont:

Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.


On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:

Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.


In a cemetery in England:

Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:

To follow you I'll not consent
Until I know which way you went.


Quote of the Week:

From the Honorable Leader of the Opposition - Tony Abbot

   "The bungled insulation program will go down as probably the
    worst single government initiative in Australia's history."

[ Perhaps he'd like to compare it to the previous Howard Government's
  initiative of invading Iraq.    - Ed ]


[ End friday humour ]

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