Friday humour - April 16, 2010

[from Steve @ Bluehaze]

Salutations all.

It has been interesting these last couple of weeks watching our John Brumby
squirm more and more as Kevin Rudd applies the health reform torch with
ever increasing heat settings. There are now only two explanations for
Brumby's behaviour that make any sense.

1) He has thoroughly painted himself into a political corner and now cant
back down without appearing to be an idiot.

2) Victoria has been syphoning off so much Federal health money for other
purposes for so long that Brumby simply cannot allow that to become
apparent, as it would if the 30% GST proportion was actually all put into
our health system by the Federal Government.

Either way, Brumby has to stop blustering, and start taking his medicine -
so to speak. My money is on door 2.


This weeks collection of mirth and merriment comes to you courtesy of
Allnutts, Burnout, Diks, The Great Gussius, Indigo Flow,
Nottingham Smithie, Sack, Stumpy Steve, Whizzbang, and the ever reliable
Anonymous.

Enjoy!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

A letter to Jessie James

You Stupid Bastard! You cheated on Sandra Bullock? How in the world can you
be so stupid? You are married to one of the most beautiful women in the
world.

She has a body to die for and her current wealth shadowed only by Oprah.
Your wife recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now named
"America's Sweetheart."

You also remember, she just won an Oscar and praised you up and down in
front of the world while you were porkin away.

You are really a piece of work! You are the most hated as*hole cheater on
the planet!

How can you live with yourself?!

I only have one thing to say to the despicable, miserable, cheating piece
of sh*t that you are:

Thanks for taking the heat off of me. Lets do lunch.

~Tiger

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

I've got a little situation here, not sure exactly what the problem is.

I'm finding myself increasingly suspicious around my son. I fear he could
be developing a drug problem, mainly due to his erratic behaviour of late
and constantly feeling run down. He's getting involved in a bad crowd, the
sort of sc*m I always warned him about growing up. A few of them are no
strangers to prison and their illegal raves are common knowledge.

A few friends of mine have spotted him sat in parked cars around the
rougher estates of town. When he eventually comes back home, he seems
distant from everyone and always tense or on edge. I also fear he may be
running up debts as he always has letters addressed from the bank that
he's eager to keep private.

Last night I spied him huddled in the alley behind my local, passing
something around with his friends, and I was about to text the wife so we
could both confront him together. Unfortunately, when I got my phone out I
realised I had no signal, despite being in close range to a mast. Is this a
network problem, or should I contact the manufacturer?

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Now, here is a genuine red neck performance. Don't get much red-neckier
than this. Used to hear that if a snapping turtle bit you he would not let
go until it thunders! Wonder if this could become an Olympic sport?

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Beware, The Farting Preacher!

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Breaking News:

Police in Liverpool just announced the discovery of an arms cache of 2000
semi automatic rifles with 250,000 rounds of ammunition,
10 anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers, 20 tonnes of heroin, 50
million in forged UK banknotes and 25 trafficked Ukrainian prostitutes all
in a semi- detached house behind the Public Library in Toxteth.

Local residents were stunned.

A community spokesman said:

"We're shocked. We never knew we had a f****n' Library!!"

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

New S*x Study

It has been determined that the most used s*xual position for married
couples is the doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs.
The wife rolls over and plays dead.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Farm Girl Birth Control

There were three gals who were getting married and all met at the marriage
counsellor's office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby
right away. There were two city gals and one farm gal.

The counsellor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or
were going to wait awhile. They all agreed that they had discussed this
with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile.

Well, the counsellor asked the first gal what type of birth control she
planned to use. Her answer was, "The rhythm method." "That will work,"
said the counsellor, "if you keep a good record."

He asked the second gal what system she planned on using.. "I plan on using
birth control pills," she said. Again he said, "Yes that will work as long
as you don't forget to take them."

He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her
answer was, "The pail and saucer method" After a short delay,
he told her that should also work.

He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow
up on how things were going.

They all met again one year later and the two city gals were pregnant. Only
the farm gal was slim and trim yet.

Well, the counsellor asked the first gal what method she used and what went
wrong. She replied, "I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes
mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby."

He asked the second city gal what method she used and she replied, "The
birth control pill. But we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my
pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby."

He turns to the farm gal. "I vaguely remember you were going to use the
pail and saucer method.. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what
the pail and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has
worked well for you?"

She replied, "Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit
taller than my husband, he stands on a pail turned upside down. Now as we
are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as
saucers, I kick the pail out from under him.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

A guy and his wife were playing 18 holes of golf. It was a beautiful sunny
day and they had the entire course to themselves.

When he was about to hit off at the 13th hole, he collapsed to the ground,
clutching his chest, having a heart attack. Despite the fact that he was
6'2" and weighed 18 stone, she picked him up, put him on her shoulders and
headed for the clubhouse.

She eventually arrived at the clubhouse still carrying her huge husband on
her shoulders. Two other club members arrived and helped carry him inside,
called an ambulance and sent him to the hospital.

"How could you carry such a huge man on your shoulders from the 13th hole?"
the Club President asked the wife in amazement. "Wasn't it difficult?"

"Yes", said the wife, "but carrying him wasn't the hard part. It was
picking him up and putting him down after each shot that was difficult."

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Driver blames UFO for motoring offence

A motorist who drove into a bus lane tried to have the fine quashed because
of the distraction of an unidentified flying object. The excuse was one of
the more esoteric reasons for clemency presented to the London Borough of
Southwark.

Another motorist complained of colour blindness. "I thought the yellow line
was green."

Even the weather was cited by one driver according to the council's appeals
team. "It was raining. I thought I could park anywhere if the weather was
bad," the motorist wrote.

Meanwhile a pet owner hoped to get a sympathetic response by citing the
animal's plight. "I had to pick up and take an injured dog to the vet and
did not want the animal to endure any unnecessary extra pain by limping
further to the car".

A driver who was asleep in the back of the car criticised the parking
attendant. "The Civil Enforcement Officer could have asked me to move the
car instead of giving me a ticket, although he would not have seen me as I
had a blanket over my head."

But Barrie Segal, a veteran campaigner against unfair parking tickets, says
councils have been equally inventive. "There was a lorry driver who was
stuck after the road collapsed and the attendant just stood on tiptoe and
slapped a ticket on his windscreen."

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Garry was depressed, he told his psychiatrist, because he thought he was
gay.

"Why do you feel that way?"

"Because my father was a gay."

"Being gay is not hereditary", said the psychiatrist.

"My brother is gay."

"That still doesn't mean that you are".

"My Uncle Bruce is gay. And my cousin Jeffrey is gay."

The psychiatrist gave a concerned look and frowned.

"Does anyone in your family have s*xual contact with women?", he asked.

"Yes", said Garry, "my sister does."

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

The Irish girl had never been into a bar before, and she asked the barman
to recommend a drink.

"Try this", he suggested, and mixed her up a dry martini.

She thought it was great, but an hour and six martinis later, she was
asleep on the floor, dead drunk.

The barman asked a couple of regulars to help him carry her out to the back
room, where one of them suggested that they give her a quickie while she
was out cold.

Next night, she returned to the bar and got stuck into the martinis again.
As before, she finished up dead drunk. The same three carried her out the
back and bonked her again. This went on for a week.

When she came back on the eight night, the barman started mixing the
martinis as soon as she walked through the door.

"I'll have a scotch tonight!", she said. "Those martinis make my fanny
sore!"

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

The young parents used code words when discussing s*x in front of their
children. The terms for intercourse was "washing machine".

They were lying in bed one night when he said to her, "Darling, washing
machine."

"Not now, I've got a headache", she replied.

An hour later, he ran his hand down her leg and said, "Darling, washing
machine, please! washing machine."

"I've got a headache!", she complained.

An hour later, feeling sorry for him, she turned to him and said, "O.K.
washing machine."

"Don't worry", he replied, "it was a small load so I did it by hand."

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Flat Tyre

An Aborigine was driving along the road when he suddenly noticed that one
of his rear tyres had gone flat. With a sigh and a curse he pulled over,
got out the car jack and wheel brace and started undoing the nuts on the
wheel.

Just after he started, a Subaru going along at high speed stopped in front
of his car, brakes squealing. Out hops a big Maori carrying a softball
bat. The Maori proceeds to smash the side window of the Aborigine's car.

The Aborigine jumps up and starts yelling "what the f*ck are you doing
bro!" The Maori says "cool it man, if you are taking the wheels, don't
complain about me taking the CD Player ! "

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Steinlager.

Barman asks, "What's wrong with Steinlager?"

Bloke replies, "I had 12 pints of it last night and when I came to I was
f*cking skint."

Barman says, "But 12 pints of anything costs about the same."

Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

We are never to old ... She is 92, great-grandson 29
 Click here
Get past the first couple of minutes ...

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

It's Just A Shed
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

You are special - please take care of yourself.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Pictures of 2010 Olympics in Vancouver
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Dublin telephone call. Should brighten your day
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Fwd: some new stuff from this incredible artist
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Nitro Boat Accessories
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

I Have No Secrets!
 Click here
Now... this is one "on the street interview" you don't see everyday.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Boob Job Under New Health Care
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Cooking Crabs Ain't like frying chicken honeychile!
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Good old British postcards
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

I love this family picture
 Click here
Arkansas Chopper (could also be Alabama Chopper)

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

English can be difficult ...
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

In case of Flood find a safe place!
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Which one's your favourite?
 Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


The new I-Pad!!
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End friday humour ]

 Previous (April 09, 2010)  Index Next (April 23, 2010)