Friday humour - April 09, 2010

 From: 4M
 Curly hair
I really was p*ssed off when I lost out on winning the pub quiz by one
point. The question was, "Where do women mostly have curly hair?"

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Apparently it's Africa .

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Old Guys Don't Care

As we age, we tend to end up seeing more of the medical establishment.
For example, my doctor referred me to a urologist who happened to be a
female doctor.
I saw her yesterday and she is flat knock out, gorgeous. She's beautiful
and unbelievably s*xy.
She told me that I would have to stop masturbating. When I asked her why,
she said,
"Because I'm trying to examine you!"

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WWII Photos
 Click here

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From: Burnout

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical.. All of his tests come back with
normal results. The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great. How are
you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'

George replies, 'God and I are tight.. He knows I have poor eyesight, so
he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the
bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the light goes
off.'
'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. 'Ethel,'
George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his
relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and
poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof!
the light goes off?'

'Oh my God!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's peeing in the fridge again!

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From: Burnout

Domain Name, be careful!

All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time
to consider how their online name might appear!

These are not made up. Check them out yourself!

1. 'Who Represents' is where you can find the name of the agent that
represents any celebrity. Their Web site is: www.whorepresents.com


2. 'Experts Exchange' is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange
advice and views at: www.experts*xchange.com


3. Looking for a great pen? Look no further than ' Pen Island '. It can be
found at: www.penisland.net
4. Need a therapist? Try 'Therapist Finder' at: www.therapistfinder.com


5. Then there's the 'Italian Power Generator' company. Check it out at:
www.powergenitalia.com

6.'IP computer' software, there's always: www.ip_anywhere.com


7. 'The First C*mming Methodist Church' Web site is:www.c*mmingfirst.com


8. And the designers at 'Speed of Art' await you at their wacky Web site:
www.speedofart.com

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 From: Kaos_reflex
 ALL?H

An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before All?h.
He said, "Oh, All?h, I did your bidding, but I have a request.
Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I
never was with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know
what to do s*xually, can I have 72 whores?"

All?h regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins
are here in heaven because as*holes like you murdered them before they
could experience the pleasure of s*x. So 'you're' here to service 'them.'
Since they're virgins, they're quite s*xually ravenous; and, frankly,
you'll be on constant, exhausting duty."

The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that.
How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"

And All?h replied, "Who said they were women?"

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From: Nottingham Smithie

A man wanted to join the Australian Police force .

Sergeant doing the interview said: "Your qualifications all  look good, but
there is an attitude suitability test that you must take  before you can be
accepted."Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he said: "Take this
pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six
Muslim extremists, and a rabbit. "

 Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude," said the Sergeant, "when can you start?"


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 From: Sack
People you just have to wait for this to load It is worth the wait .!!!
Have you seen this one yet....A Little different than expected...Click on
the link below...Enjoy !!! (Actually, you can't get sufficiently prepared
for this one!) - I love the look on Simon Cowell's face ...


            Click here

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 From: Stumpy Steve

Comic Relief again!

Give money to Africans who live in mud huts and have to walk five miles a
day to fetch water. Is it just me or would you move the f*cking hut?

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+++ From: Stumpy Steve
+++ Subject: so difficult when broadcasting +++ Content:
 Click here

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From: Stumpy Steve
 Not an April Fool's Joke but you would think it is

BEDFORDSHIRE  (U.K) POLICE FORCE'S RULES REGARDING
TERRORISTS AND DANGEROUS CRIMINALS

If they are non-Muslim

Consider the most opportune time of day to be able to arrest suspects with
minimum resistance. Apply all necessary force to enter the premises and
arrest suspects accordingly.


If they are  Muslim:
Community leaders must be consulted before raids into Muslim houses.
Officers must not search occupied bedrooms and bathrooms before dawn.
Use of police dogs will be considered serious desecration of the premises.
Cameras and camcorders should not be used in case capturing women in
inappropriate dress.
If people are praying at home officers should stand aside and not disrupt
the prayer -they should  be  allowed the  opportunity to finish.
Officers should take their shoes off before raiding a Muslim house.
The reasons for pre-dawn raids on Muslim houses needs to be clear and
transparent.
Officers must not touch holy books or religious artefacts without
permission.
Muslim prisoners should be allowed to take additional clothing to the
station.

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Whizzbang...............

Military History-Stranger than Fiction

This is from Col. D.G. Swinford, USMC, Ret. HISTORY BUFF
1. The first German serviceman killed in WW II was killed by the
Japanese (China, 1937), the first American serviceman killed was killed by
the Russians (Finland 1940), the highest ranking American killed was
Lt. Gen. Lesley  McNair, killed by the US Army Air Corps. . . So much for
allies.

2. The youngest US serviceman was 12 year old Calvin Graham,
USN. He was wounded and given a Dishonorable Discharge for lying about his
age. (His benefits were later restored by act of Congress)

3. At the time of Pearl Harbor the top US Navy command was
Called CINCUS (pronounced "sink us"), the shoulder patch of the US
Army's 45th Infantry division was the Swastika, and Hitler's private train
was named "Amerika."  All three were soon changed for PR purposes.

4. More US servicemen died in the Air Corps than the Marine
Corps.While completing the required 30 missions your chance of being killed
was 71%.

5. Generally speaking there was no such thing as an average fighter pilot.
You were either an ace or a target. For instance Japanese ace Hiroyoshi
Nishizawa shot down over 80 planes. He died while a passenger on a cargo
plane.

6. It was a common practice on fighter planes to load every 5th round with
a tracer round to aid in aiming. This was a mistake.
Tracers had different ballistics so (at long range) if your tracers were
hitting the target 80% of your rounds were missing. Worse yet tracers
instantly told your enemy he was under fire and from which direction.
Worst of all was the practice of loading a  string of tracers at the end
of the belt to tell you that you were out of ammo.  This was definitely
not something you wanted to tell the enemy. Units that stopped using
tracers saw their success rate nearly double and their loss rate go down.

7. When allied armies reached the Rhine the first thing men did was pee in
it. This was pretty universal from the lowest private to Winston Churchill
(who  made a big show of it) and Gen. Patton (who had himself photographed
in the act).

8. German Me-264 bombers were capable of bombing New York City but it
wasn't worth the effort.

9. German submarine U-120 was sunk by a malfunctioning toilet.

10. Among the first "Germans" captured at Normandy were several
Koreans. They had been forced to fight for the Japanese Army until they
were captured by the Russians and forced to fight for the Russian
Army until they were captured by the Germans and forced to fight for the
German
Army until they were captured by the US Army.

AND I SAVED THE BEST FOR LAST....

11. Following a massive naval bombardment 35,000 US and Canadian troops
stormed ashore at Kiska, in the Aleutian Islands. 21 troops were killed in
the firefight. It would have been even worse if there had been any Japanese
on the island.

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From: Anonymous
Thankful
 Click here

Every day we have something to be thankful for...today we are thankful that
the photographer was not standing on the other side!
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From: Anonymous
 A 50's E-MAIL

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here


I have no idea who put this together, but it's wonderful!!

Long ago and far away, in a land that time forgot,
Before the days of Dylan, or the dawn of Camelot.
There lived a race of innocents, and they were you and me,

For Ike was in the White House in that land where we were born,
Where navels were for oranges, and  Peyton Place  was porn.

We learned to gut a muffler, we washed our hair at dawn,
We spread our crinolines to dry in circles on the lawn.

We longed for love and romance, and waited for our Prince,
And Eddie Fisher married Liz, and no one's seen him since.

We danced to 'Little Darlin,' and sang to 'Stagger Lee'
And cried for Buddy Holly in the Land That Made Me, Me.

Only girls wore earrings then, and 3 was one too many,
And only boys wore flat-top cuts, except for Jean McKinney.

And only in our wildest dreams did we expect to see
A boy named George with Lipstick, in the Land That Made Me, Me.

We fell for Frankie Avalon, Annette was oh, so nice,
And when they made a movie, they never made it twice.

We didn't have a Star Trek Five, or Psycho Two and Three,
Or Rocky-Rambo Twenty in the Land That Made Me, Me.

Miss Kitty had a heart of gold, and Chester had a limp,
And Reagan was a Democrat whose co-star was a chimp.

We had a Mr. Wizard, but not a Mr. T,
And Oprah couldn't talk yet, in the Land That Made Me, Me.
We had our share of heroes, we never thought they'd go,
At least not Bobby Darin, or Marilyn Monroe.

For youth was still eternal, and life was yet to be,
And Elvis was forever in the Land That Made Me, Me.

We'd never seen the rock band that was Grateful to be Dead,
And Airplanes weren't named  Jefferson  , and Zeppelins were not Led.

And Beatles lived in gardens then, and Monkees lived in trees,
Madonna was Mary in the Land That Made Me, Me.

We'd never heard of microwaves, or telephones in cars,
And babies might be bottle-fed, but they were not grown in jars.

And pumping iron got wrinkles out, and 'gay' meant fancy-free,
And dorms were never co-ed in the Land That Made Me, Me.

We hadn't seen enough of jets to talk about the lag,
And microchips were what was left at the bottom of the bag.

And hardware was a box of nails, and bytes came from a flea,
And rocket ships were fiction in the Land That Made Me, Me.

Buicks came with portholes, and side shows came with freaks,
And bathing suits came big enough to cover both your cheeks.

And Coke came just in bottles, and skirts below the knee,
And Castro came to power near the Land That Made Me, Me.

We had no Crest with Fluoride, we had no  Hill Street  Blues,
We had no patterned pantyhose or Lipton herbal tea
Or prime-time ads for those dysfunctions in the Land That Made Me, Me.

There were no golden arches, no Perrier to chill,
And fish were not called Wanda , and cats were not called Bill.

And middle-aged was 35 and old was forty-three,
And ancient were our parents in the Land That Made Me, Me.


But all things have a season, or so we've heard them say,
And now instead of Maybelline we swear by Retin-A.
They send us invitations to join AARP,
We've come a long way, baby, from the Land That Made Me, Me.
So now we face a brave new world in slightly larger jeans,
And wonder why they're using smaller print in magazines.
And we tell our children's children of the way it used to be,
Long ago and far away in the Land That Made Me, Me.


AND NOW: For those of you too young to remember
Bob Hope, ask your Grandparents!!!
And thanks for the memories............


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From: Anonymous
 Stress Relief
 Click here

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 From: Burnout
 Don't sleep around.......
 Click here
+++ Content:
See what happens if you sleep around
It's ALWAYS the kids that suffer!!
Her Name is Debra!

Better than Zonkey, I suppose...

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From: Burnout
 Bad day at the office.................

 Click here

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 From: Croydon Caz
 Aircraft pictures
 Click here
Turn on the sound...look out for the dog on the helicopter, also... in case
you don't notice, planes without undercarriage lowered, shouldn't be that
close to the tarmac !

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 From: Diks
 Screen Heros.................

 Click here

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From: Duke of Barsinov
Another problem caused by deforestation
 Click here

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From: Kaos_reflex
Got da kids a new pool!!!!

 Click here

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From: Kaos_reflex

Good things happen to good people
 Click here
Talk about LUCKY
If this does not touch your heart, then you just don't have one.....
An incredible story of luck and inspiration!
Can you believe it? This guy wins $181 million in the lottery last
Wednesday, and then finds the love of his life just 2 days later.

Talk about LUCK!

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From: Nottingham Smithie
 Arresting wire fails as F/A 18 lands on aircraft carrier
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
 The Shredder

 Click here

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 From: Whizzbang
Ongewoon Ballet .... Fantastic!!!

 Click here

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[ End friday humour ]

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