Friday humour - March 26, 2010

[ from Davo @ Bluehaze ]


A word or two from Australia's Honourable Leader of the Opposition:

Hah Hah Hah Hah Hah ...  Did you um see ah the Great Health er Debate last
um Tuesday where I ah stuck it right um up to Rudd?  I call him Prime
Minister um Blah Blah.  I ah challenged everything er he said and gave him
um ah the evil eye for the um er whole 60 minutes.  Without um one single
er policy I claimed winning the ah debate because I ah showed myself to be
er just an um ordinary man.


First up this week some anonymous contributions from the red cheeks brigade

                                         Marriage ...

The  wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday

I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell
all my stuff..."

"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.

"I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some as*hole
using my stuff..."

She looked at me and  said: "What makes you think I'd marry another


                                         The Bear




How on earth did they film this one?!!

 Click here

                                                 [  Nice!   - Ed ]


                          IF YOU MARRY A MAINE GIRL

The first man married a woman from North Carolina... He told her that she
was to do the dishes and house cleaning... It took a couple of days, but
on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and
put away.

The second man married a woman from South Carolina... He gave his wife
orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking... The
first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was
By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and
there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from MAINE... He ordered her to keep the house
cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the
table for every meal, milk the cows and feed the calves... He said the
first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything
but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see
a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could
fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some
difficulty when he pees...


These came from Kaos-reflex

                                          The bull

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in
Mexico .

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking
platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the
smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste!  Those are called
Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A

The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day
because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and
place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening
was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few
inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are
delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Yes Senor.  Sometimes the
bull wins."


               Grand dad reminiscing about the "Good Old Days."

"When I were a lad, ya mum would send me down to da corner store wiv' a
dollar, and I'd come back wiv' five pounds o' potatoes, two loaves o'
three pints o' milk, a pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea, an' 'alf  a dozen

Yer can't do that now.... too many fricken security cameras."


From Canadian Muse in London On Thames

                         The Singing Anesthesiologists

These singers are all Anesthesiologists in Minnesota and they can really

Here they sing "Waking up is hard to do"
 Click here

For real... they even have a website....
 Click here


To the AV Files now, and they're from Stumpy Steve, London Muse, 4M,
Smithie of Nottingham, Burnout, Whizzbang, and you know who you are.

Mexican Ambulance
 Click here

How to get a man to smile for a picture.....
 Click here

More Posters..........
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Cricket comment
 Click here

Another Crappie Day [ XXX ]
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Even more Wal-Mart shoppers
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The game comes first.........
 Click here

Did I want to know that?...
Called "The Bride" this chandelier is right now in a gallery in Lisbon.
It's a 5-meter tall chandelier made from wire, cotton thread, and over
14,000 tampons. Created by Joana Vasconcelos, it's 'soaking up the gazes
of art lovers', and will continue to do so until the Belem Cultural Center
exhibition ends, on May 18, 2010.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

 Click here

Superb photos ~ Enjoy FRiends!
 Click here

The best engine in the world
 Click here

Canadian Women's hockey team relax after winning gold! [ XXX ]
 Click here

5 mins in the Kruger Park: South Africa
The astonishing spectacle of a leopard savaging a crocodile has been
captured for the first time on camera.
A series of incredible pictures taken at a South African game reserve
doc*ment the first known time that a leopard has taken on and defeated one
of the fearsome reptiles.
The photographs were taken by Hal Brindley, an American wildlife
photographer, who was supposed to be taking pictures of hippos from his
car in the Kruger National Park.
The giant cat raced out of cover provided by shrubs and bushes to surprise
the crocodile, which was swimming nearby. A terrible and bloody struggle
ensued. Eventually, onlookers were amazed to see the leopard drag the
crocodile from the water as the reptile fought back.
With the crocodile snapping its powerful jaws furiously, the two animals
somersaulted and grappled. Despite the crocodile's huge weight and
the leopard had the upper hand catching its prey by the throat.
Eventually the big cat was able to sit on top of the reptile and suffocate
it. In the past, there have been reports of crocodiles killing leopards,
but this is believed to the first time that the reverse scenario has been
Mr Brindley said: 'I asked many rangers in South Africa if they had ever
heard of anything like this and they all said no.
"It just doesn't make sense. The meat you get out of a crocodile is just
not worth the risk it takes a predator to acquire. The whole scene
happened in the course of about 5 minutes. Then the leopard was gone.
"I drove away, elated in disbelief. It may have been the most amazing thing
I've ever seen." Ellie Rose, a reptile keeper at London Zoo, said:
"Normally, crocodiles are well able to defend themselves against attack. I
can't think of any examples of this happening before."
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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New dating site
 Click here

Dumbest Illegal Immigrant
Running stop light = $100.00
DUI = $350.00
Not wearing a seat belt = $150.00
Putting you "AND" your girlfriends photo on your fake drivers
 Click here

Russian owner of Chelsea Football Club.
I like to recommend that you put this place on your "where to dine" list
the next time you are in New York !!!
The waiter must have been happy. Check out the 20% gratuity!
 Click here

Latest Cyclone Update
 Click here

Can You Spot The Illegal Alien In The Crowd
I'm not sure how observant some of you are, but check out this video and
see if you can pick out who you think might be an illegal alien. The video
is in slow motion so as to give you a chance to pick the person out. If you
don't figure it out the first time, I'm sure that the second time through
you will.  It may be easier for some than others,especially those who may
have been in law enforcement and were trained to watch for things that
might be considered out of the ordinary...      Good luck
 Click here

Arab passport
 Click here


Finally from Whizzbang

                            AUSTRALIAN ETIQUETTE

1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
2.. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It's tacky to take an Esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take
your ute and trailer to the funeral.

1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so
as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private,
using one's OWN ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of
finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your

1. First date - always offer to put the fish bait on your date's hook.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested, "I've been wanting to go
out with you ever since I read that stuff about you on the dunny door two
years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say
11:00 PM , others might say 'Monday.' If the latter is the answer, it's the
man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have
proven they can't hear you.

1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your
popularity. (Excessive use of tongue is also considered out of place).
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a c*mmer-bund and
a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for the occasion.

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded
and the roo's in your rifle sight.
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't
always have the right of way.
3.. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to
ask her to bring back beer too.


Quotes um ah of the um last ah weeks:

                                                      (From The Age

Federal Opposition Leader Tony Abbott has admitted a "poor choice of words"
when it comes to gays and lesbians.

Mr Abbott has come under fire recently for comments regarding
saying he felt "threatened" by homos*xuals, and that homos*xuality
"challenges orthodox notions of the right order of things".

But speaking today on Joy 94.9, a Melbourne gay and lesbian radio station,
Mr Abbott seemed to soften his stance, admitting that his comments were a
"poor choice of words".

 Click here


[ End friday humour ]

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