Friday humour - March 19, 2010

[from Steve @ Bluehaze]

So here I am back after a long break thanks to roster swaps.

For those at CSIRO who knew Lachlan Cranswick, the bad news is that he has
gone missing in Canada, very missing, under baffling circ*mstances. An Age
article can be found at:
 Click here

This weeks merriment is drawn from the mirthful contributions of Biggus,
Burnout, Croydon Caz, Davo, Digi Maria, Roly, Indigo Flow,
Moose, Nottingham Smithie, Seasoldier, Stumpy Steve and Whizzbang.

Enjoy ...

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John is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and
always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he
was doing, he would reply, 'If I were any better, I would be twins!'

He was a natural motivator.

If an employee was having a bad day, John was there telling the employee
how to look on the positive side of the situation.

Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up and asked
him, 'I don't get it!'

'You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?'

He replied, 'Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two choices
today. You can choose to be in a good mood or....you can choose to be in a
bad mood

I choose to be in a good mood.'

Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or...I can
choose to learn from it.. I choose to learn from it.

Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their
complaining or...I can point out the positive side of life.
I choose the positive side of life..

'Yeah, right, it's not that easy,' I protested.

'Yes, it is,' he said. 'Life is all about choices. When you cut away all
the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to
situations. You choose how people affect your mood.

You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your
choice how you live your life.'

I reflected on what he said.. Soon hereafter, I left the Tower Industry to
start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I
made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.

Several years later, I heard that he was involved in a serious accident,
falling some 60 feet from a communications tower.

After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, he was released from
the hospital with rods placed in his back.

I saw him about six months after the accident.

When I asked him how he was, he replied, 'If I were any better, I'd be
twins....Wanna see my scars?'

I declined to see his wounds, but I did ask him what had gone through his
mind as the accident took place.

'The first thing that went through my mind was the well-being of my
soon-to-be born daughter,' he replied. 'Then, as I lay on the ground, I
remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or....I could
choose to die. I chose to live.'

'Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?' I asked.

He continued, '...the paramedics were great.

They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into
the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I
got really scared. In their eyes, I read 'he's a dead man'. I knew I needed
to take action.'

'What did you do?' I asked.

'Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me,' said John.
'She asked if I was allergic to anything 'Yes, I replied.'
The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took
a deep breath and yelled, 'Gravity''

Over their laughter, I told them, 'I am choosing to live.. Operate on me as
if I am alive, not dead.'

He lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his
amazing attitude....I learned from him that every day we have the choice
to live fully.

Attitude, after all, is everything.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about
itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.' Matthew 6:34

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Its tough being an activist....
 Click here

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Feral car ads ...
 Click here

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The Matrix runs on Windows!
 Click here

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A teacher asked her class how many of them were Gordon Brown fans.

Not really knowing what a Gordon Brown fan is, but wanting to be liked by
the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for
Little Johnny.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different...again.

Little Johnny said, 'Because I'm not a Gordon Brown fan.'

The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you a Gordon Brown fan?'

Johnny said, 'Because I'm a Conservative.'

The teacher asked him why he's a Conservative.

Little Johnny answered, 'Well, my Mum's a Conservative and my Dad's a
Conservative, so I'm a Conservative.'

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your Mum was a moron and
your Dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'

Little Johnny replied, 'A Gordon Brown fan'

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Many people will walk in and out of your life but only a true friend will
leave footprints on your computer!

Forward this message to 8 other people ... and you will get ...

F*ck all!

That's right F*ck all.

You won't get good luck or a nice surprise, 5 grand or a f*cking holiday in
Jamaica, just F*ck all ... it's true ... it works!

I sent it and I got ...

F*ck all.

Don't break the chain! It's the only one of these things that actually
works!

So send it and get F*ck all. It's brilliant!

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BILLYBOB AND LUTHER

BillyBob and Luther were talking one afternoon when BillyBob tells Luther,

"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna
do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about
where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii
and Earline got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got
pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant
again."

Luther asks BillyBob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

BillyBob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."

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Walmart - Never A Dull Moment
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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MEN CAN FIX ANYTHING
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Sleeping around. It's ALWAYS the kids that suffer. His name is Zonkey.
 Click here

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How to wash a Road Train
 Click here Click here Click here

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Photographic Train ride....
 Click here

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Automated catholic confessional
 Click here

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Facebook in Africa.
 Click here

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Dublin Tram Crash
 Click here Click here

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The corporate world - sound familiar?
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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You think have seen everything ...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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How real men remove a fish hook...
 Click here

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The new line of woman's t-shirts!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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It's Just a Catfish!

 Click here Click here
I had always heard about catfish this big up by the Pensacola Dam on Grand
Lake, but I sure would have to actually see one!
It's Just a Catfish!
For all those crazy guys who go 'noodling' for catfish and stick their arms
down the fish's throat!! This would be 'all the catfish you can eat',
Each year, a few people were drowning or disappearing mysteriously in
Huadu's Furong Reservoir. It was not until recently, when the son of a
government official went swimming, in the reservoir and was drowned, that
the secret was revealed.
It is a 3 meter (9.8ft) long man-eating catfish whose head alone is 1 meter
(3.3ft) wide!
After cutting up the catfish, people were surprised to find the remains of
another man inside!
Swimming in the reservoir is now forbidden because it is feared another
similar man-eating catfish is still lurking in the waters.

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The tiny township of Nindigully is located on the edge of the Queensland
outback - 160km west of Goondiwindi, about 530km west of
Brisbane , and approximately 70 km north of the Queensland/New South Wales
border.

Nindigully Pub is Queensland 's oldest hotel, located in its original
condition and position on the banks of the Moonie River . The licence was
issued in 1864 after operating as shearers accommodation for the
Nindigully Station.

The "boom" town has now been reduced to just two houses, the pub, the old
general store and the town hall, with a population of six!

Nevertheless, it was voted the Best Country Pub in Australia in 2006 by 44
Australia magazine, and you can see why - it has become famous for its
truckie's feed of the Nindigully Road Train Burger this giant hamburger is
served with French fries, onion rings and a selection of sauces, says it
will feed 1- 4 people, and costs $36 - the meat patty alone is 1.2kg!

How do you reckon you'd go?
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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Unlike prior versions of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, Walt Disney
wanted each of the seven dwarfs to have a distinct personality so the
audience could connect to each one. One play had given the dwarfs the
names Blick, Flick, Glick, Snick, Flick, Whick and
Quee[2], but Disney wished for his dwarfs' names to fit their
personalities. In the end, Doc, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, Bashful,
Sneezy, and Dopey were picked out of a pool of many other names and
personalities. The dwarfs that were not picked are listed as follows
(circa 1934):
  a.. Silly
  b.. Sappy
  c.. Scrappy
  d.. Snappy
  e.. Snoopy (1)
  f.. Goopy
  g.. Gloomy
  h.. Gaspy
  i.. Gabby
  j.. Blabby
  k.. Flabby
  l.. Crabby
  a.. Cranky
  b.. Lazy
  c.. Dizzy
  d.. Dippy (2)
  e.. Dumpy
  f.. Dirty
  g.. Deafy
  h.. Daffy (3)
  i.. Doleful
  j.. Woeful
  k.. Wistful
  l.. Soulful
  m.. Helpful
  n.. Awful
  o.. Graceful
  p.. Tearful
  q.. Tubby
  r.. Weepy
  s.. Wheezy
  t.. Sneezy-Wheezy
  u.. Sniffy
  v.. Puffy
  w.. Stuffy
  x.. Strutty
  y.. Shorty
  z.. Shifty
  aa.. Thrifty
  ab.. Nifty
  ac.. Neurtsy
  ad.. Hotsy
  ae.. Hungry
  af.. Hickey

Grumpy and Deafy
 Click here
Deafy is a happy sort of fellow - he always tries to make clever remarks,
but he misinterprets other people's attitudes toward him.
He feels, lots of times, that they are saying something about him, or that
they have made some remarks, which they haven't at all -
he takes exception to the most ridiculous things. Throughout the picture
Deafy and Grumpy are always clashing. Deafy will pick up one word of the
conversation in the early part, and whereas the conversation topic might
have changed completely, he still sticks to the first thing that he heard,
and in this way we hope to get some comical situations out of Deafy.
 -Story draft for Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, made in early 1936.[3]
  a.. Hoppy
  b.. Jumpy
  c.. Jaunty
  d.. Chesty
  e.. Busy
  f.. Burpy
  g.. Baldy
  h.. Biggy-Wiggy
  i.. Biggo-Ego

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Travelling Cattle Class?
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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She's a lady - probably from Glasgow.
 Click here

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How to cook a deer ...
Start with a nice flame.
If you need further instructions, refer to the below photos.
 Click here Click here
As you can tell from the last photo, the deere is thoroughly cooked.
 Click here
This was about a $250,000 Deere!!!

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2008 Fiddle Finals at the Pembroke, Ontario Fiddle Festival

And the Yanks thought "duelling banjos" was something, wait until you see
these two guys. One guy is playing the fiddle with his right hand while
playing the piano with his left. The 2nd guy is playing the piano with his
right hand while playing the cords of the fiddle with his left. Amazing. It
all happened at the Fiddle Finals in Pembroke, Ontario.
 Click here


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What a toy
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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How to be cruel to older blokes:
 Click here

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Thanks for the pic of your kids in the new pool ... we loved it.
 Click here

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Clever little fellows ...
 Click here

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Painting a Tiger
 Click here

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Melbourne hailstorm
 Click here

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Suzuki Ad

 Click here

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Best of 2009 Invisible Cats!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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Cute photos ...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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So true it's painful ...
 Click here

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A nice clip ...
 Click here

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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