Friday humour - March 05, 2010

From Burnout @ Bluehaze

We've a cloud full of stuff here at Bluehaze, so lets get on with it.


From: Allnutts
Subject: Negative people

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best
to rain on your parade... So remember this story the next time someone who
knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to
Rome with her husband..  She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who
responded:

" Rome?  Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're
crazy to go to Rome.  So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always
late.
So, where are you staying in Rome  ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's  Tiber River
called
Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place.  Everybody thinks its gonna be
something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people
trying to see him.  He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked
her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one
of
Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us
up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome
28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job,
and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were
overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra
charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you
didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss
Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet
some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private
room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook
my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really!  What'd he say?"


He said: "Who f*cked  up your hair?"


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What to do in an Earthquake - Makes Sense (Timely advice from Allnuts - ED)

Boy! Is this ever an eye opener. Directly opposite of what we've been
taught over the years! I can remember in school being told to, "duck and
cover" or stand in a doorway during an earthquake. This guy's findings are
absolutely amazing. I hope we all remember his survival method if we are
ever in an earthquake!!!

EXTRACT FROM DOUG COPP'S ARTICLE ON THE: "TRIANGLE OF LIFE"

My name is Doug Copp. I am the Rescue Chief and Disaster Manager of the
American
Rescue Team International (ARTI), the world's most experienced rescue team.
The information in this article will save lives in an earthquake.

I have crawled inside 875 collapsed buildings, worked with rescue teams
from 60 countries, founded rescue teams in several countries, and I am a
member of many rescue teams from many countries...

I was the United Nations expert in Disaster Mitigation for two years. I
have worked at every major disaster in the world since 1985, except for
simultaneous disasters.

The first building I ever crawled inside of was a school in Mexico City
during the 1985 earthquake. Every child was under its desk. Every child
was crushed to the thickness of their bones. They could have survived by
lying down next to their desks in the aisles. It was obscene,
unnecessary and I wondered why the children were not in the aisles. I
didn't at the time know that the children were told to hide under
something.

Simply stated, when buildings collapse, the weight of the ceilings falling
upon the objects or furniture inside crushes these objects, leaving a
space or void next to them. This space is what I call the "triangle of
life".
The larger the object, the stronger, the less it will compact. The less the
object compacts,
the larger the void, the greater the probability that the person who is
using this void for safety will not be injured. The next time you watch
collapsed buildings, on television,
count the "triangles" you see formed. They are everywhere. It is the most
common shape, you will see,
in a collapsed building.

TIPS FOR EARTHQUAKE SAFETY

1) Most everyone who simply "ducks and covers" WHEN BUILDINGS COLLAPSE are
crushed to death. People who get under objects, like desks or cars, are
crushed.

2) Cats, dogs and babies often naturally curl up in the fetal position. You
should too in an earthquake... It is a natural safety/survival instinct.
You can survive in a smaller void. Get next to an object, next to a sofa,
next to a large bulky object that will compress slightly but leave a void
next to it.

3) Wooden buildings are the safest type of construction to be in during an
earthquake.
Wood is flexible and moves with the force of the earthquake. If the wooden
building does collapse, large survival voids are created. Also, the wooden
building has less concentrated,
crushing weight. Brick buildings will break into individual bricks. Bricks
will cause many injuries but less squashed bodies than concrete slabs.

4) If you are in bed during the night and an earthquake occurs, simply roll
off the bed. A safe void will exist around the bed. Hotels can achieve a
much greater survival rate in earthquakes, simply by posting a sign on The
back of the door of every room telling occupants to lie down on the floor,
next to the bottom of the bed during an earthquake.

5) If an earthquake happens and you cannot easily escape by getting out the
door or window, then lie down and curl up in the fetal position next to a
sofa, or large chair.

6) Most everyone who gets under a doorway when buildings collapse is
killed.
How? If you stand under a doorway and the doorjamb falls forward or
backward you will be crushed by the ceiling above. If the door jam falls
sideways you will be cut in half by the doorway. In either case,
you will be killed!

7) Never go to the stairs. The stairs have a different "moment of
frequency" (they swing separately from the main part of the building). The
stairs and remainder of the building continuously bump into each other
until structural failure of the stairs takes place. The people who get on
stairs before they fail are chopped up by the stair treads - horribly
mutilated. Even if the building doesn't collapse, stay away from the
stairs. The stairs are a likely part of the building to be damaged. Even
if the stairs are not collapsed by the earthquake, they may collapse later
when overloaded by fleeing people. They should always be checked for
safety, even when the rest of the building is not damaged.

8) Get Near the Outer Walls Of Buildings Or Outside Of Them If Possible -
It is much better to be near the outside of the building rather than the
interior. The farther inside you are from the outside perimeter of the
building the greater the probability that your escape route will be
blocked.

9) People inside of their vehicles are crushed when the road above falls in
an earthquake and crushes their vehicles; which is exactly what happened
with the slabs between the decks of the Nimitz Freeway... The victims of
the San Francisco earthquake all stayed inside of their vehicles. They
were all killed. They could have easily survived by getting out and
sitting or lying next to their vehicles. Everyone killed would have
survived if they had been able to get out of their cars and sit or lie
next to them. All the crushed cars had voids 3 feet high next to them,
except for the cars that had columns fall directly across them.

10) I discovered, while crawling inside of collapsed newspaper offices and
other offices with a lot of paper, that paper does not compact. Large
voids are found surrounding stacks of paper.

Spread the word and save someone's life... The Entire world is experiencing
natural calamities so be prepared!

"We are but angels with one wing, it takes two to fly".

In 1996 we made a film, which proved my survival methodology to be correct.
The
Turkish Federal Government, City of Istanbul, University of Istanbul Case
Productions and ARTI cooperated to film this practical, scientific test. We
collapsed a school and a home with 20 mannequins inside. Ten mannequins did
"duck and cover," and ten mannequins I used in my
"triangle of life" survival method. After the simulated earthquake collapse
we crawled through the rubble and entered the building to film and doc*ment
the results. The film,
in which I practiced my survival techniques under directly observable,
scientific conditions,
relevant to building collapse,
showed there would have been zero percent survival for those doing duck and
cover.

There would likely have been 100 percent survivability for people using my
method of the "triangle of life." This film has been seen by millions of
viewers on television in Turkey and the rest of Europe, and it was seen in
the USA , Canada and Latin America on the
TV program Real
TV.


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From: Anonymous

Senior Classifieds

Some 'Senior' personal ads seen in  ''theVillages'' Florida newspapers:


(Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?)


FOXY LADY:
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,
80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'),
searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,
and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot.
Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW:
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation.
If you are the silent type, let's get together,
take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE:
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share
rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES?
I still like to rock,
still like to cruise in my Camaro on Sat*rday nights and still like to play
the guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,
let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.


MEMORIES:
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Sat*rday and Sunday, let's put our two heads
together.

MINT CONDITION:
Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair,
many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.
Isn't in running condition, but walks well.


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From: Burnout
Subject: The Truckie

A truckie who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel
outside Kalgoorlie.

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, I want your
ugliest woman and a burnt chop!!
The Madam is astonished. 'But sir, for that kind of money you could have
one of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal.

The truckie replies, 'I'm not horny . . . . ... I'm homesick.


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Subject: Doll

A man goes into a s*x shop and asks for an inflatable doll.
The shop assistant says, 'Male or female?'
The customer says, 'Female.'
The shop assistant asks, 'Black or white?'
The customer replies, 'White.'
The shop assistant asks, 'Christian or Muslim?'
The customer replies, 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'
The shop assistant says, 'The Muslim one blows itself up'.


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Two squirrels were in a bar. One stared at the other and slurred "I SCREWED
YOUR MUM!"

The squirrel on the receiving end just ignored him.

Thinking he did not hear him the Squirrel grabbed him by the collar and
yelled "I SCREWED YOUR MUM!!!!"

Shaking his head the squirrel replied "Go home dad, your drunk!"


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From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: Adam and God

God said, 'Adam, I
Want you to do
Something for Me.'

Adam said,
'Gladly,
Lord, what do You
Want me to do?'

God said, 'Go down

Into that
valley.'

Adam said,
'What's a Valley?'
 

God explained it to

Him. Then God said,
'Cross the river.'

Adam said,
'What's a
River?'  

God
explained that
To him,
and then said,
'Go over to the hill.....'  

Adam said,
'What is a
Hill?'


So, God
explained to
Adam what a hill was.

He told
Adam, 'On
The other side of the
Hill you will find a
Cave.'


Adam
said, 'What's a
Cave?'

After God
explained,
He said,
'In the cave
You will find a woman..'  

Adam said,
'What's a
Woman?'

So God
explained
That to him, too.

Then, God
said, 'I
Want you to Reproduce.'

Adam said, 'How do
I do that?'

God first
said (under
His breath),
'Geez.........'  

And then,
just like Everything else,
God Explained that to
Adam, as well.


So, Adam
goes down
Into the valley,  

Across the
river, and
Over the hill, into the
Cave, and finds the
Woman.


Then, in
about five Minutes, he was back.


God, His
patience
Wearing thin,
said
Angrily,
'What is it
Now?'

And Adam
said....  

*

*

(YOU'RE GOING TO
LOVE
THIS!!!!!!)

*

*


*

*

*
'What's a headache?'

(All of which proves Women can't do two things at once, Sex & a
Headache. - ED)


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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject:  The Pope

The Pope was having a shower. Although he's very strict about celibacy, he
occasionally felt he needed to exercise the Papal wrist, and this happened
to be one of those occasions.

Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture
of the Holy seed flying through the air.

'Hold on a minute! ', said the Pope, 'You can't do that - you'll destroy
the reputation of the Church!'

'This is my lottery win,' said the photographer, 'I'll be financially
secure for life with these photos!' So, the Pope offered to buy the camera
from the photographer, and after much negotiation, they eventually settled
on a figure of $2,000,000.

The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the
camera.

Along the vast Vatican hallways, he bumped into his personal housekeeper.

Being a bit of a photography buff, she noticed the camera and said, 'That
looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost
you?'

Not being one to lie, the Pope replied, '....two million dollars...'

'TWO MILLION DOLLARS! ' replied the housekeeper, 'They must have seen you
coming!


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Subject:  How True?

        The danger to America is not Barack Obama but a citizenry capable
of entrusting a man like him with the presidency. It will be easier to
limit and undo the follies of an Obama presidency than to restore the
necessary common sense and good judgment to an electorate willing to have
such a man for their president. The problem is much deeper and far more
serious than
Mr. Obama, who is a mere symptom of what ails us. Blaming the prince of the
fools should not blind anyone to the vast confederacy of fools that made
him their prince. The republic can survive a Barack Obama. It is less
likely to survive a multitude of fools such as those who made him their
president.” -- Author Unknown


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From: Sack
Subject: TRUCK STOP

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order.  He said, "I
want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the
kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat
tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he
think this place is, an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of
headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of
crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then
spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
 She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires,
headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up

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Subject: Mixed emotions

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology that
was explaining the  phenomenon of mixed emotions..

The husband turned to his wife and said, Honey, that's a bunch of crap. I
bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same
time! She replied, "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis."

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From: Stumpy Steve

"TANJOOBERRYMUTTS"...

By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND
"TANJOOBERRYMUTTS"...and be ready for China .

Now, here goes...


The following is a telephonic exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest
and room-service in China......

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"

Guest: ".....What??"

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud, pochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken ? Creepse?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. ulai sahn toes?"

Guest: "I.... Don't think so.."

Room Service: "No?  Udo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan sahn
toes' means."

Room Service: "Toes! Toes!...Why Uoo don wan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we
botter?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin! !! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'...


Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

Room Service: "We botter?"

Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side."

Room Service: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."

Room Service: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

Room Service: "Copy...tea..meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."

Room Service: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken , Anglish moppin, we
botter on sigh and copy ... Rye ??"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

RoomService: "Tanjooberrymutts."

Guest: "You're welcome"


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From: Whizzbang
Subject: Mammogram


A woman approaching middle-age is at home, naked as the day she was born,
happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, 'Do you have any idea how
ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?'

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, 'I don't care what you
think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor said that not
only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 20 year-old.'

The husband replies, 'What did he say about your 45-year old Arse?'

'Your name never came up,' she replied.

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From: Zalaga
Subject: New Supermarket

A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to
keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of
distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass  the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the
scent of fresh  mown hay.

In the meat department, there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with
onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air
is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon  and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread &
cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.


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Lets have some AV now.

From: Whizzbang
Subject: Home

 Click here


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From: Stumpy Steve
Subject: Coins of ancient Rome (You won't believe your eyes):

 Click here

We need this on our coins and notes of today


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From: Allnutts
Subject: These Are Fascinating!

WEIRD WALKING COW.....
 Click here

CAN YOU SEE 10 FACES IN THE TREE
 Click here

THERE'S A FACE IN HERE. CAN YOU SEE IT?
 Click here

CAN YOU SEE THE BABY?
 Click here

CAN YOU SEE THE KISSING COUPLE?
 Click here

CAN YOU SEE THE?THREE WOMEN?
 Click here

Can you tell the difference between a horse and a frog??

Watch closely...
 Click here


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From: Anonymous
Subject: Fwd: Gallery of Forgotten Photos

A Baby Boomer's Time Machine.

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here


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From: Anonymous
Subject: Fwd: This Is Why People Eat Birds......

 Click here


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Subject: Creation - Alternative Version

 Click here

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Subject: INFORMATION *** Car mirror adjustments for blind spot

 Click here

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Subject: Fwd: WOMEN ARE JUST BORN THIS WAY

 Click here


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Subject: Fwd: The best Mint commercial ever!

 Click here


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Subject: Fwd: Rio,Rio,Rio-  Carnival Samba!

 Click here


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Subject: Testament To BAE Landing Gear Designers

 Click here

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From: Burnout
Subject: Wii for Women

 Click here


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Subject: Peter Garrett's New Band

 Click here

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Subject: Speed Test

 Click here

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Subject: Sleepy Bus Driver

 Click here

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Subject: Moving Cattle in NT.

 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Cartographer Chris. (who says you've seen this before - ED.)
Subject: Danish Speeding Solution

 Click here


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From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: Trimming a hedge like a real man!

 Click here Click here


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From: Moose (Just not to sure how funny THIS is??? - ED)

Subject: FW: One year old girl is pregnant??

In this world we see a lot of things and this yet is one more...
Shocking event for Chinese medicine, which found that a one year old girl
is pregnant, Mengru Kang was taken to hospital after unexplained stomach
was swollen much. After ultrasound, the doctors found amazed that the girl
has a baby in the womb, the child's twin brother. Doctors say that the
embryo was not caught in the womb and has found another place to grow. The
little girl will undergo a Cesarean delivery to bring out the baby. This
unusual phenomenon, very rarely is numneste "fetus in fetus" and can be
met once every 500,000 pregnancies.


 STUNNED doctors have discovered a one-year-old girl is carrying a BABY in
her tummy. Little Kang Mengru, from China , left medics baffled after her
belly became enlarged. Doctors carried out a CT scan to discover the cause
of the growth and found a foetus inside her. They believe the tot is her
parasitic twin. She is now waiting for an operation to have the tiny baby
removed.

 Click here Click here Click here


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Subject: FW: Hilary Duff gets engaged: a photo story


So Hilary Duff's got engaged, here's how it went down:


Receive the ring:
 Click here

Cry:
 Click here

Take photo for friends:
 Click here

Reward:
 Click here


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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject:  Three Bears Story................ You'll Love This!!

 Click here

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Subject:  Springtime is on the way...

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject:  G-String.......(XX Terrifying sight - ED).

 Click here

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Subject:  On Shoreditch High Street London - when they say no parking they
really mean it

 Click here


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Subject:  Now that is frost!

This is in St-Pierre, behind Val Dirène in the Gaspésie in Quebec.  It is
the frost build up - sort of like the ice storm but this was a frost
storm.
The offical term is a ZAG...zone d'amplification du givre (frost
amplification zone).

Yes, those are miles and miles of trees that look like marshmallows (don't
ask how much weight is on the transmission tower.)

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


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From: Sack
Subject: Alaskan Job vacancy

Position: Surveyor
Salary: $200 per hour (tax-free)
Qualifications: Must be fast on your feet!

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Subject: Changes in the Catholic Church Funny!!

I JUST KNEW THIS WAS COMING....
German born Pope makes changes....

 Click here

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Subject: Only In Saskatchewan.


Real Estate? Check out this little pad!

KITCHEN:
 Click here

BEDROOM:
 Click here

ENTRY:
 Click here

BATHROOM:
 Click here

This place seems very modern, BUT


HERE IS THE INNOVATIVE PART!!...


This 1 bedroom loft apartment was built inside a grain silo.
 Click here

The owner paid $200 for the old silo, then put $5600 in renovations
 Click here

into it (doing all the work himself to save money).
 Click here

It cost another $700 to have it moved to the grounds of an
 Click here

Old Homestead in Saskatchewan.

 Click here
Now who wouldn't want to live here for $6500.
 Click here

If that's not creative craftsmanship, then I dont know what is!


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From: Sack
Subject: Pictures From A Typewriter......

He lived at Rose Haven Nursing Home (Roseburg, OR) for years. Paul Smith,
the man with extraordinary talent was born in Philadelphia on September 21,
1921 with severe cerebral palsy. Not only had Paul beaten the odds of a
life with spastic cerebral palsy, a disability that impeded his speech and
mobility but also taught himself to become a master artist as well as a
terrific chess player even after being devoid of a formal education as a
child.


"When typing, Paul used his left hand to steady his right one. Since he
couldn't press two keys at the same time, he almost always locked the
shift key down and made his pictures using the symbols at the top of the
number keys. In other words, his pictures were based on these characters
..... @ # $ % ^ & * ( ) _ . Across seven decades, Paul created hundreds of
pictures.
He often gave the originals away. Sometimes, but not always, he kept or
received a copy for his own records. As his mastery of the typewriter
grew,
he developed techniques to create shadings, colours, and textures that made
his work resemble pencil or charcoal drawings."


This great man passed away on June 25, 2007, but left behind a collection
of his amazing artwork that will be an inspiration for many.


These pictures are unbelievable. Strange we should just now be hearing
about him. Hope you enjoy them as much as I did.)


Typewriter Art

Can you believe that this art was created using a typewriter?

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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From: Stumpy Steve
Subject: HOW TO RECOGNIZE A GAY BAR

 Click here


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Subject: Earthquake warning

 Click here

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From: Zalaga
Subject: So you think you can fly a model airplane

 Click here


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Well, that your lot for this week, just be fore I go, think about this:

"A true revolution of values will soon cause us to question the fairness
and justice of many of our past and present policies. On the one hand, we
are called to play the Good Samaritan on life's roadside, but that will be
only an initial act. One day we must come to see that the whole Jericho
Road must be transformed so that men and women will not be constantly
beaten and robbed as they make their journey on life's highway.
True compassion is more than flinging a coin to a beggar.
It comes to see that an edifice which produces beggars needs
restructuring."

- Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.


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[ End friday humour ]

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