Friday humour - February 26, 2010



[ from Davo @ Bluehaze ]

G'day


I enjoyed reading Burnout's editorial "Are you getting the Politicians you
deserve?" regarding assaults, rapes, robberies, knife incidents, and
murder in Queensland education institutions.  I expect the figures are
pretty much the same all over Australia, and most probably worse in
America.

It would seem that bullying is getting totally out of control.  We had
plenty of bullying when I was a lad, but it didn't usually end up in
massive violence, though I'm sure much psychological damage was caused.

In my opinion teachers aren't the cause of bullying and violence, though
they should do all in their power to stamp it out.  The trouble emanates
from the home environment.  Parents' language (swearing and vilification
of others), and behaviour towards each other have a profound affect on
their kids' behaviour.

Let's all try and just be a little bit nicer and more accepting of each
other.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

First up a golden oldie from Moose

                              What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of Myer's and shyly walked up to
the woman behind the counter and said, 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.
'

'What type of bra?' Asked the clerk.

'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'

' Look around,' Said the saleslady, As she showed a sea of bras in every
shape, size, colour And material imaginable. 'Actually, even with all of
this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from .'

Relieved, the man asked About the types. The saleslady replied: 'There are
the Catholic, The Salvation Army, The Presbyterian, And the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?'

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The
Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple. .

The Catholic type supports the masses; The Salvation Army type lifts the
fallen; The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright; The Baptist
type makes mountains out of molehills.'

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters
used To define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, But couldn't figure
out
What the letters stood for, It is about time you became informed!

(A} Almost Boobs..
{B} Barely there...
{C} Can't Complain!..
{D} Dang!...
{DD} Double dang!...
{E} Enormous!....
{F} Fake...
{G} Get a Reduction...
{H} Help me, I've fallen And I can't get up!...


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

This came from New Forest Robin

                                  Passport Application

(This was actually taken from a passport application and a member of staff
copied it, as it made her laugh all day.)


Dear Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to
understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.

How is it that Bert Smith of T. V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and
telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back
in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and
on what date?

How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every
Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I
have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you
still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with
contractors working for the government?

How come the T. V. detector van can tell if my T. V. is on, what channel I
am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win
the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and
will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.
Do you people do this by hand?

You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one
with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's
on my health insurance card, my driver's licence, on the last four
passports
I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill
out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years,
and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and
the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time
our lords and masters are up for re-election.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead
on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was
Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if
that ever changed between now and the day I die!

I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between
you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my
house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a
gang of
Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin
Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want
to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of
week's well-earned rest away from all this crap.

Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get
another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to
the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to
have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new
passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make
sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with
our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it's really me on
the goddamn picture - you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile
in in case we look as if we are enjoying the process! Hey, you know why we
can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!

I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten
years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security clearances
which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the
Prime
Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been
doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the
Services. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am --
you know, someone like my doctor... who, before he got his medical degree 6
months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN...

Yours sincerely,

An Irate British Citizen.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

And from Smithie of Nottingham

                                          Lotto

One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring.

"Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks.

"Well, she replies, "My boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I bought
it with my share of the winnings."

A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat.

Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks.

She replies "My boss and I played the lotto and we won again, so I bought
It with my share of the winnings."

Another week later, his wife comes home, driving a flaming red Ferrari,

You guessed it:

Her share of the lotto winnings...

That night, the wife asks her husband to run her a nice warm bath while she
gets undressed When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is barely
enough water in the bath to cover the bath plug.

"What's this?" she asks her husband.

"Well," he replies, "We don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we??"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Sack sent this one in

                                         Revenge

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry
sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted
down.
We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.
We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.'

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know
when we could come and get her.

My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to washher, she
stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the
dirty cat, not him.

My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband
'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge- O'.

They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my
husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located
in the same building, next door to the vet..

The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the
doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen
my husband arrive.

He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your wife's'
pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells
like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows
who the father is!' Then he closed the door.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From new contributor Taipan

            Sale of QR, Airports, Sea Ports and Harbors Assets.

Jacko a 40yr employee of Qld Rail returning home from an overseas vacation
touring on the British rail and American rail system.

On arrival at Cairns Airport he was checked by the Australian Airport
Customs. Relishing he left his carry on bag on the aircraft with

his wallet, ID, Passport, Money. Plane ticket and his free Qld rail pass to
Brisbane.

Custom officer asks for his Ticket, Passport and ID.

Sorry old cobber I have left my carry on bag with all my personal papers on
the aircraft that has just taken off for Sydney.

Listen here mate I hear this excuse every day. No ID or proof you are a
Queenslander, no entry. We will deport you says the Custom Officer.

Jacko says I certainly can prove I am a true blue Queenslander with my
tattoo's I have on my butt when Sir Joh, Borbridge and Beatie wanted to
sell
Qld rail over the past 30 yrs.

Customs officer says Ok lets go into the room and drop your daks for an
inspection to prove you're a Queenslander.

Oh my god, replies the officer, you certainly are a Queenslander, Sir Joh
on the Left 1970, Borbridge on the Right 1990 and Beatie in the middle
buried in sh-t 2000

Before he was shipped to America into more bullsh-t.

The male and the female officer are in a fit of laughter and say there are
3 more Tats on you.

Jacko is puzzled by the comment; what's the other 3 Tats of.

Custom officer says one is the current premier 2010 squeezing your nuts
with the treasurer holding a sign; Qld Rail Family Jewels, jobs, assets
and contents FOR SALE with rail minister saying squeeze harder he has not
let go of his job, assets or contents yet.

Jacko says to the male officers you best go and get your ID Tattoo's done
before the Airport sell off, and to the female officer you before the
Shipping Sea Ports and Harbors' sell off.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

The Whizzbang collection

                            AN ACTUAL PERSONAL AD

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me In Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 2009-05-27, 1:43 am E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I
hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend,
threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and
earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather
important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to
actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my
jacket..
The even ing was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason..
My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for
my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very
evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when
pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with
that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking
bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with
me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come
help mug us again].

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I
explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up
my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, --
on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and
was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with
all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at
the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the
entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone s*x numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell
just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little
over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get
in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI,
while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess
while he traced your number etc.).

;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel
this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your
threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these
rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the
opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path
you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so
lucky.
Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,

Alex


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                   The Camping Trip

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect backwoods camping and fishing
trip.

Two days before the group is to leave Frank's wife puts her foot down and
tells him he isn't going.

Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting
there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and fish cooking on the fire.

"Damn man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into
letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in
my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and
said
'guess who'?"

I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie.

She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles
and rose pedals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes!

She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said "do
what ever you want."

So here I am.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                      NEWS FLASH:

Brisbane Police reported finding a man's body floating in the Brisbane
River, near the Story Bridge. The man's name will not be released until his
family has been notified. The victim apparently drowned due to excess beer
consumption, combined with a drug overdose. He was wearing black fishnet
stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap-on dildo, purple
lipstick, and a "Rudd for PM in 2008" t-shirt. He also had a cuc*mber in
his rectum. Police removed the Rudd t-shirt, to spare his family any
unnecessary embarrassment.
( Police do care!!)


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                     Six Short Stories - For Men - By Men

ONE I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching
down behind a tombstone. I said, "Morning!" He said, "No, just taking a
sh*t."

TWO When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realized that God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for
forgiveness.

THREE My girlfriend was in labor with our first child. She was shouting,
"Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She looked at me and yelled, "You
did this to me, you bastard!" I casually replied, "If you remember, I
wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, 'That would hurt too much'."

FOUR I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual
checkup.. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she
said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

FIVE I was walking down the road and saw my Afghani neighbor Abdul standing
on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him,
"What's wrong, Abdul? Won't it start?"

SIX My girlfriend and I were making love when she looked up at me and said,
"Make love to me like in the movies." So I did her from behind, then
flipped her on her back, and came all over her face and hair. I never saw
her again after that night. I guess we don't watch the same movies.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                        MATRIMONY

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get
married and wish you were dead ...


At a c*cktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your
wedding ring on the wrong finger?" "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
__________

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted". Next day she
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have
mine."
__________

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let
her keep him.
__________

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished __________

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
__________

A young son asked, "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad replied, "That happens in
every country, son."
__________

Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was
until
I got married, and by then, it was too late."
 __________

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
__________

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word
you say -- talk in your sleep.
__________

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking
they had no faults at all.
__________

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!" Second guy remarks, "You're lucky,
mine's still alive."
_________

And finally.........

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A
blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find
it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the
bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband
gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it
on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at
the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind
man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be
riding the bus, so shut up.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                     The new 2010

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2010 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that
they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the
screen

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have
the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic
and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.. : )

12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this
list

~~~~~~~~~~~ AND FINALLY~~~~~ ~~~~~~~

NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to! Go lick your
elbow.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                  Are yu austrayan

You know you're Australian if....

You know the meaning of 'girt'

You believe that stubbies can either be worn or drunk

You think it is normal to have a Prime Minister called Kevin

You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers
stuffed in your wallet or purse

You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something
illegal such as watering the garden

When you hear that an American 'roots for his team' you wonder how often
and with whom

You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs'
refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds

You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'

You pronounce Penrith as 'Pen-riff'

You believe the 'L' in the word ' Australia ' is optional

You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to
Maccas'

You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways
with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep

You call your best friend 'a total bastard' but someone you really, truly
despise is just 'a bit of a bastard'

You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place

You believe is makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as
big as its $2 coin

You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy
Woy' can't be called 'Woy'

You believe that cooked-down axlegrease makes a good breakfast spread

You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up,
at which point they again become Kiwis

You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says 'cobber'

You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any
rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again'

You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the
Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year

You still don't get why the 'Labor' in 'Australian Labor Party' is not
spelt with a 'U

You wear ugh boots outside the house

You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them

Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway
fluently in every Asian language

You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, while 'scuse me' is always
polite

You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasions via your nose

You understand that 'you' has a plural and that it's 'youse'

You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle

You biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules of beach
cricket

You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call
'Anzac cookies'

You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'

When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched
by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit

You believe the phrase 'smart casual' refers to a pair of black
tracky-daks,
suitably laundered

You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction

When working at a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to
offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer

You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem
and then have trouble remembering the second

You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the
government's new test for migrants.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


This week's A/V files are from Zalaga from Sherwood Forest, Burnout,
Kaos-reflex, Sack, Terrible Tez, Whizzbang, Cartographer Chris, Moose,
Allnutts, the Duke of Barinov, Nottingham Smithie, Canadian Muse, and you
know who you are.

Beer
 Click here

Ranger in Lanseria, South Africa so amazing!
This Ranger is assigned to prevent poaching around the wildlife refuge area
of Lanseria , South Africa . The way these animals interact with him is
absolutely stunning! The lions seem to know he's there to protect them.
His charm works with hyenas and cougars too. Hyenas are usually vicious.
Check out the pictures taken in the river - amazing because lions hate
water.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Camper....
 Click here

Window Down
 Click here

Creative   [ XXX ]
 Click here

NEVER, NEVER, EVER ......
 Click here

I know you will be sending this one on!
 Click here

Tyres
 Click here

School answering machine

 Click here
reprank.wmv

Speed test
 Click here

Some smart answers
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Nothing comes between friends
 Click here

Cougar
 Click here

Line Dancing Kid
 Click here

Beautiful horses
 Click here

No! This is not stainless steel
 Click here Click here Click here

Winter Olympics: let the games begin
 Click here

Jack Shitt
... from new contributer Terrible Tez, who said ...
"Hi , For some time now I have been the recipient of Friday Humour but not
a contributor. Thought that it was about time I did my bit. Thanks for the
good work."
 Click here

Big Dogs
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

My new girlfriend....she's perfect   [ XXX ]
 Click here

How to pick a date for the prom   [ XXX ]
 Click here

The road wasn't closed off!
 Click here

World Biggest Ship - Oasis of the Seas
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

The real ending of the fairytales.....
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

IF MR BEAN WAS IN AVATAR
 Click here

Aboriginal Monopoly
[ Published because it's less offensive than Frankston Monopoly  - Ed ]
 Click here

Words
 Click here

MOST DANGEROUS SPIDERS OF THE WORLD
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Stop resisting !
 Click here

Curiosities of the Human Body
 Click here

Close Air Support
The attached video was filmed by some Air Force Joint Tactical Air
Controllers (JTAC) in Tal Afar, west of Mosul , in Iraq .
A marine unit got pinned down in the street. They set their video camera on
the bumper of their armored HUM-V, which they were using for cover. Keep an
eye on the opposing van parked just down the street. On the audio you can
hear them shooting back and forth. The rounds you can hear are from the
Marines, and the ones you hear pinging against the side of the vehicle with
no accompanying pop are from the bad guys. When the Marine says they just
fired the "rifle," it means an F-16 aircraft just launched a Maverick
missile. You can hear it come in and see it strike the vehicle the bad
guys were using for cover. Talk about pinpoint accuracy! End of story...
for the bad guys.
 Click here

My friend Walter - A must see
 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

These are from Zalaga

                                         Two Nuns

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer
cooler. One nun said to the other,

"Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"

The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel
comfortable buying beer as I am certain that it would cause a scene at the
check-out counter."

"I can handle that without a problem" she replied as she picked up a
six-pack and headed for the check-out.

The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with
a six-pack of beer.

"We use beer for washing our hair" the nun said, "A shampoo, of sorts, if
you will."

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out
a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer.

He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said, "The curlers
are on the house."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                       A bit late

Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade & tells her father that they
learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

'Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish,' she
asks, 'Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: 'No, I don't think God would get
mad... Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?'

'Osama Bin Laden,' she says.

'Why Osama Bin Laden?' her father asks in shock.

'Well,' she says, 'I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could
have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that
maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.

And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love
everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell
everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.'

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found
pride.
'Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.'

'I know, ' Melissa says, 'and once that gets him out in the open, the
Marines could shoot the f*cker.'


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                   Tiger and the Pope

The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an
administrative mix up the Pope went to hell and Tiger Woods went to
heaven.

The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in hell, and
after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error. "However", the
clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".

Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.

On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from heaven and they
stop to have a chat.

"Sorry about the mix up", apologises the Pope

"No problem" replied Tiger Woods,

Pope: "I am really anxious to get to heaven"

Tiger: "Why is that?"

Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"

Tiger: "You're a day late !"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                     A Farmer's Logic

In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause
of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who may have
some theories on the matter ...

The interview was as follows:

The lady reporter: "I am here to collect information on the possible
sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?"

The farmer stared at the reporter and said: "Do you know that a bull mounts
a cow only once a year?"

Reporter (obviously embarrassed) : "Well, sir, that's a new piece of
information.. but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow
disease?"

Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"

Reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting
to the point?"

Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing
with your tits twice a day ... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't
you get mad?"

This program was never aired . . . .


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                  A question of food!

A woman asks her husband, 'Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of
toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?' He Declines.

'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra, itís
really taken the edge off my appetite.'

At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. 'A bowl of soup,
homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?' He declines.

'The Viagra,' He says, 'really trashes my desire for food.'

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. 'Would you like a
juicy rib-eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie
chicken or tasty stir fry?' He declines again..

'No,' He says, 'it's got to be the Viagra... I'm still not hungry.'

'Well,' she says, 'Would you mind getting off me . I'm bloody starving!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


A Blond Joke

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He
finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After
sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear
a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice,
the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it
is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight Lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still want to tell that
blonde
Joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...
not if I'm goanna have to explain it five times.'


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


These came from you know who you are ...

                                     Traffic Camera

I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my
picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though I knew that I
was not speeding.

Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving
even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

Now I began to think that this was quite funny, so I drove even slower as I
passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed.

I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing
as the camera flashed while I rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat
belt.

You can't fix stupid.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                         Peaches

A Texas Rancher was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door
and a shapely 40 something lady dressed in a very sheer negligee answered
the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would
you like to buy some peaches?"

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked,? Are they as firm
as this?"

He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his
eye.

Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice
and pink like this?"

The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other eye.

Then the lady unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as
fuzzy as this?"

He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.

The lady asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"

Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy
beans, a tornado leveled my barn and now I'm gonna get screwed out of my
peaches."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                         Miracles

Amid the flotsam of daily life -- money woes, laundry, screaming children
--
it's hard to believe in miracles. But they do happen.

When he hauled his heavy nets out of the chilly gray Atlantic Ocean several
weeks ago Spanish fisherman Benito Estevez spotted a corroded Nikon digital
camera peeking out from among the cod and seaweed.

But inside the $300 camera -- which drifted underwater for 15 months at the
whim of deep water currents, first in the Bay of Biscay north of Spain and
then into the open ocean south of Ireland -- Estevez found a fully intact
memory card with 175 pictures and 10 video clips.

The clear-as-day pictures showed a dark-haired woman in a black cardigan
posing in profile on the deck of a cruise ship with the Queen Elizabeth 2
in the background and a gentlemen wearing a red-and-blue-striped stocking
cap emblazoned with "Oxford" smiling in the afternoon sun.

A bewildered Estevez also found snapshots of the woman standing in front of
a statue of an over-sized metal bull and the gray-haired man leaning
against a railing in front of an enormous park surrounded by skyscrapers
with a map and spectacles peeking out of his pocket.

Who were these people? And could he find them? Estevez turned to his friend
and cruising enthusiast, Fernando Garcia, for help.

Garcia posted a message on a cruising blog "Hello, I am a fisherman and
recently I have found a digital camera at the sea bottom," it began. "The
camera is totally damaged by the sea water, but "miraculously" the photos
and the videos on the "SD Memory" are totally O. K," it went on, saying
that
"Mauregato" was looking for the camera's owners.

After carefully scrutinizing the photos, Garcia figured the pictures were
taken from the Queen Mary 2, which sailed from New York on October 16,
2008 and arrived in Southampton on the south coast of England on October
22,
2008. For much of its journey it traveled alongside the Queen Elizabeth 2,
which was on its final transatlantic round trip.

The posting got no responses, so Garcia went to a Spanish newspaper, which
published a splashy article. Nothing happened. He also took a snapshot of
the couple posing with a waiter on the ship to Cunard. The shipping
company said it didn't keep a file of passenger photographs.

Then the BBC picked up the story, flashing several shots of the couple on
an evening newscast in early February and posting them on its web site.
The online story even speculated that the couple was from the U. S.
because the man was "wearing a woolly tourist hat from Oxford."

A friend of Barbara and Dennis' Gregory saw the shots of the South African
couple and phoned them immediately.

"I was absolutely so excited, you become like a child getting butterflies
in your stomach," recalled Barbara Gregory, 53, of her and Dennis', 65,
reaction to learning the pictures from their long-awaited 25th wedding
anniversary survived their watery grave.

"It's unheard of, even if you were looking for it, what are the chances?"
Barbara said in an exclusive interview with WalletPop. com. "It took them
70 years to find the Titanic, and two years to find our camera. Amazing."

Cunard executives, who operated the Queen Mary 2 on which the couple
sailed,
were as flummoxed as the Gregorys.

"In all my years in the travel industry, I have never heard of such a
heart-warming stroke of luck, and we at Cunard are delighted that Mr. and
Mrs. Gregory have been reunited with their photos," said Peter Shanks, the
ship line's president, in a statement.

The discovery is reminiscent of the Caldecott-award-winning-book "Flotsam,"
by David Wiesner, which tells a wordless story of a boy finding a camera
flung ashore by a mighty wave with its photos intact. The photos doc*ment
the box camera's watery journey and its otherworldly encounters with
larger-than-life sea creatures and strange alien beings on the ocean
floor.

So what did the Gregory's camera see?

The business executive and her chemical engineer husband purchased the
camera at Macy's in New York to doc*ment their 25th wedding anniversary.
It was the most expensive camera they ever owned, but well worth the price
to memorialize their long- awaited journey. Barbara Gregory always dreamed
of seeing New York, and the week the couple spent there didn't let her
down.

"They were a doc*mentary of how we celebrated our 25th wedding
anniversary," she said. "And at the same time fulfilled two dreams of a
lifetime -- mine to go to New York and my husband's to travel aboard a
luxury liner."

Among Barbara Gregory's favorites are a snapshot of her mugging in front of
Tiffany's, where afterward the couple quietly strode inside and "pretended
we were rich." She also fondly recalls taking in other touristy spots such
as Times Square and "the biggest McDonald's we'd ever seen."

After spending a week in the Big Apple, the couple boarded the Queen Mary 2
to sail to England, where Barbara is originally from. After a few blustery
days at sea, not at all like the Indian summer they experienced in
America,
the couple emerged on deck halfway through their week-long journey to bask
in the sunshine.

While taking in the view from deck chairs, the camera snuggled into Dennis'
lap, the couple heard someone remark about a pod of spirited dolphins off
the ship's bow. Dennis jumped up to spy them and the camera vaulted off
his legs and into the sea. At the time, the ship was miles off the south
coast of Ireland over the treacherous Continental Shelf.

"We were totally devastated, you realize what you lost and that it's sank
to the bottom of the sea. There's no chance of recovery at all," recounted
Barbara. "We actually went back to our cabin and wept."

The Gregorys said they didn't bother to notify Cunard of the loss because
they assumed they would never see their camera again.

"A lot of people never expected us to be found -- they never expected a
reunion between the camera and its owner," Barbara said.

Now she's planning to prominently display pictures of the couple's 25th
wedding anniversary in their home in suburban Johannesburg when Estevez
returns the memory card to them after coming in from his latest trip.

And the Gregorys are also setting aside money to vacation in Spain this
year, where they plan to meet Estevez and Garcia and take them to dinner.

"We want to give them a hug," Barbara said. "You can't thank them on
e-mail,
or on the phone, you just can't. Finding the camera is no big deal, but the
fact that they went to so much trouble to find us is amazing, and it really
shows what a decent human being they both are."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Finally from Stumpy Steve

                                    Virginity Test Kit

Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he can
tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin. His doctor says, "Well now,
Paddy, we Irish can use four things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself
Virginity Test Kit.... a paint brush, a small can of red paint, a small can
of blue paint, and a shovel."

Paddy asks, "Well, glory be to God, I've never heard of that, and what do I
do with these things, doctor?"

The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you
paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue . And if she says,
"That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see..."

You hit her with the shovel.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                Man Appreciation Day

Every Feb 14th men get the chance to display their love and affection for
the woman in their life but secretly guys feel left out. There's no
special holiday for the Ladies to show their appreciation for the men in
their life.
But now there is.

March 20th is now officially Steak, Blowjob, and Shut the Fuck up Day.

It's a simple, effective, and self explanatory Holiday.

No cards.

No flowers.

No special nights on the Town.

Just a steak, a bl*wjob, and a day where women shut the f*ck up.

The word is already spreading but like any new idea it needs a little push
to get the ball rolling.

So spread the word.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                  Parvinder and Habib

Parvinder and Habib are London beggars. They beg in different areas of the
West End ...

Habib begs just as long as Parvinder but only collects 2 to 3 pounds every
day.

Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes,
lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Habib says to Parvinder 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do
you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?'.

Parvinder says, .... 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?

Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.'

Parvinder says ' No wonder you only get £2-3

Habib says.... 'So what does your sign say'?

Parvinder shows Habib his sign......

It reads, 'I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Quote of the Week:


"Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution
yet."


                                                                      - Mae
West


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-end-_.___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___



--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End friday humour ]

 Previous (February 19, 2010)  Index Next (March 05, 2010)