Friday humour - February 19, 2010

From burnout @ Bluehaze

This week we in the sunshine state awoke to the murder of a 12 year old
school boy by a 13 year old school boy in one of our schools.

This incident has caused a whirlpool of comment, facebook madness and as
usual political spin from the Queensland Premier, who in a speech on
Tuesday claimed the incident was virtually unheard of and that the govt
would do what was necessary to prevent a similar event in the future.

Interestingly Queensland Police statistics released Wednesday of this week
indicate there was an assault, assault bodily harm, assault grievous
bodily harm, rape, attempted rape, attempted robbery, robbery whilst armed
with a knife, in Queensland education institutions for every school week of
the year, all involving the use or production of a knife by the offender.

The Govt here then either, has no interest in the problem in general or
they are hiding the real problem from the public.

Increasingly evidence in this state indicates either option above could be
the reality depending who in this government you are listening at any
particular time.

I leave you to ponder politicians in general and ask yourselves this
question:

"Are you getting the Politicians you deserve?"

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From: Allnutts

Subject: WHY WE SHOULD ALL LOVE OLD PEOPLE


THIS IS WHY WE SHOULD ALL LOVE OLD PEOPLE.   THEY MAKE SUCH
PERFECT SENSE OUT OF EVERYTHING!!!!!!

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed.   They
couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would
just walk home.

On the way he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a
gallon of paint.   He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a
couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry
his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who
told him she was lost.   She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603
Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that
house.   I would walk you there, but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket.
Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the
goose in your other hand?"

"Why, thank you very much," he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl
home.   On the way he says, "Let's take a short cut and go down this
alley.   We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely
widow without a husband to defend me."

"How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against
the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of
paint, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold
you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put
the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens..."


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From: Anonymous

Subject: Fw: 360 deg. photography


This is unbelievable photography especially viewed with this sophisticated
360 degree technology.


Look all the way up and all the way down .


 Click here

 Click here

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This is unbelievable photography especially viewed with this sophisticated
360 degree technology.


Look all the way up and all the way down .


 Click here

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From: Anonymous

Subject: Irish Humour


Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important
meeting and couldn't find a parking place.   Looking up to heaven he said,
'Lord take pity on me.   If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass
every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'


***********


Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets,
'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to
heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this.   You mean to tell me that when you
die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die, yes.   I thought you were getting a group
together to go right now.'


****************


Paddy was in   New York  .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street
crossing.   The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay,
pedestrians..'   Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went
over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'


*******************


Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the
obituary column that he had died.   He quickly phoned his best friend,
Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney.   'Where are ye callin' from?'


*************


An Irish priest is driving down to     New York   and gets stopped for
speeding in  Connecticut  ..   The state trooper smells alcohol on the
priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the
car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'


*************


Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff
one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch!   What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'


***************


David staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking
buddy, Paddy.   He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their
upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.   As he caught himself by
grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his
rump.   A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing
especially painful.

Managing not to yell, David sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in
the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.   He
managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a
Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood..

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his
way to bed.

In the morning, David woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt
and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

David said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the
broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood
trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly
....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.


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MY LIVING WILL


Last night, my adult kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said
to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some
machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the
plug.'

They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

They are such as*holes.


MY LIVING WILL


Last night, my adult kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said
to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some
machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the
plug.'

They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

They are such as*holes .


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From: Biggus
Subject: One liners

Women should not have children after 35. Really... 35 children are enough.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.

After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

I am a nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me
lately!

No one ever says, "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: "CHECKOUT TIME IS 18"

"If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits
on the highway?"

Why do we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss
America?"

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery
tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery.
There I was... surrounded by trees and bushes.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point
involved.

The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal
probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years .... then we met.

Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you
anyway.

I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.

Sign in pet store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?

I see your IQ test results were negative.

Regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take them while
driving.


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From: UFO
Subject: Post Turtle

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Aussie farmer,
who's hand was caught in the gate while working cattle,
the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Kevin Rudd and his role as our Prime
Minister.
The old farmer said, 'Well, ya know, in my opinion, Rudd is a 'Post
Turtle''..

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post
turtle' was.
The old farmer said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come
across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.

The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to
explain. 'You know he didn't get up there by himself,
he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there,
and you just wonder what kind of dumb bugger put him up there to begin
with.


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From our Digi Steve
Subject: Windows 3.1 Lives!! (God it was good! - ED)

For those of you that thought Windows 3.1 had died, here it is alive and
well at:
 Click here


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& This:

Subject: Don't say a word....


Ken and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year,
And every year Ken would say,
'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter'
Edna always replied,
'I know Ken, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,
And fifty bucks is fifty bucks'.

One year Ken and Edna went to the fair, and Ken said,
'Edna, I'm 75 years old.
If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'
To this, Edna replied,
"Ken that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

The pilot overheard the couple and said,
'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride.
If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't
charge you a penny!
But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Ken and Edna agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
But still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Ken and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.
I'm impressed!'

Ken replied,
'Well, to tell you the truth,
I almost said something when Edna fell out,
But you know,

"Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'


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From: Kaos_reflex
Subject: Rumours

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour:

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his
wisdom.

One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you
know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass
a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes
let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter
is
Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is
true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not.
Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are
about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes
that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still
pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of
Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful
to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True
nor
Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"
The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was
a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was shagging
his wife.


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From: Mitta
Subject: FW: Terrorist Arrest

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International
Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a
protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the
man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify
the man,
who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

"Al-Gebra is a problem for us", the Attorney General said. "They derive
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in
search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and
refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong
to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with co-ordinates in every
country.

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every
triangle".

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had
wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, he would have given
us more fingers and toes.'

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent
or profound statement by the President. It is believed that the Nobel
Prize for
Physics will follow.


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From: Mitta
Subject: Cliches


Frank Lingua, president and CEO of Dissembling Associates, is the

nation's leading purveyor of buzzwords, catch phrases and clichés for
people too busy to speak in plain English.


This interview by Dan Danbom of Business Finance Magazine …


Danbom: Is being a cliché expert a full-time job?


Lingua: Bottom line is I have a full plate 24/7.


D. Is it hard to keep up with the seemingly endless supply of clichés

that spew from business?


L. Some days, I don't have the bandwidth. It's like drinking from a fire
hydrant.


D. So it's difficult?


L. Harder than nailing jelly to the wall.


D. Where do most clichés come from?


L. Stakeholders push the envelope until it's outside the box.


D. How do you track them once they've been coined?


L. It's like herding cats.


D. Can you predict whether a phrase is going to become a cliché?


L. Yes. I skate to where the puck's going to be. Fish where the fish are.
Because if you aren't the lead dog, you're not providing a customer-centric
proactive solution.


D. Give us a new buzzword that we'll be hearing ad nauseum.


L. "Enronitis" could be a viable next-generation player.


D. Do people understand your role as a cliché expert?


L. No, they can't get their arms around that. But they aren't incented

to, of course. We aren’t keeping them moist enough.


D. How do people know you're a cliché expert?


L. Light bulb moment, Dan. I walk the walk and talk the talk.


D. Did incomprehensibility come naturally to you?


L. I wasn't wired that way, but it became mission-critical as I
strategically focused on my go-forward plan.


D. What did you do to develop this talent?


L. It's not rocket science. It's not brain surgery. When you drill down

to the granular level, it's just basic blocking and tackling.


D. How do you know if you're successful in your work?


L. At the end of the day, it's all about robust, world-class, leading-edge
quality language  solutions.


D. How do you stay ahead of others in the buzzword industry?


L. Net-net, my value proposition is based on maximizing synergies and

being first to market with a leveraged, value-added deliverable. That's the
opportunity space on this level playing field let me tell you.


D. Does everyone in business eventually devolve into the sort of mindless
drivel you spout?


L. If you walk like a duck and talk like a duck, you're a duck.


D. Do you read "Dilbert" in the newspaper?


L. My knowledge base is de-selective of fiber media.


D. Does that mean "no"?


L. Negative.


D. DOES THAT MEAN "NO"?


L. Let's take your issues offline.


D. NO, WE ARE NOT GOING TO TAKE MY "ISSUES" OFFLINE!


L. You have a result-driven mind-set that isn't a strategic fit with my

game plan.


D. ACTUALLY, I WANT TO PUSH YOUR FACE IN.


L. Your call is very important to me.


D. How can you live with yourself?


L. I eat my own dog food. My vision is to monetize scalable supply

chains.


D. When are you going to quit this?


L. I may eventually exit the business to pursue other career

opportunities. Consulting seems nice.


D. I hate you.


L. Take it and run with it. Talk to the hand, ’cause the face ain’t
listening.


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From: Moose
Subject: Ruddy

At his meeting with Queen Elizabeth recently, Kevin Rudd turned to the
Queen and said:

As I'm the Prime Minister, I'm thinking of changing how my great country is
referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom."

The Queen replied, "I'm sorry Mr. Rudd, but to be a Kingdom, you have to
have a King in charge - and you're not a King."

Kevin Rudd thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?"

To which the Queen replied, "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a
Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr. Rudd."

Rudd thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"

The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replied : "Sorry again, Mr.
Rudd, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are
not an Emperor."

Before Rudd could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're doing
quite nicely as a Country."


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From: Muse ( Very Good - ED)
Subject: Pigeon Impossible

 Click here


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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject:  Murphy's' old lady

Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had
come. He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the
baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. 'Hey,
Murph! You just had you a son,!

'Ain't dat grand, !!' Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor
spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet, !'
The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you
a daughter, !!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too....'

Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we
aint got done yet, !' The doctor then delivered another boy and said,
'Murph, you just had yourself another boy, !'

Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'
The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that
happened during conception.' Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'

When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down
with his wife and said, 'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of
Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'
She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'
Murph said, 'I'll tell you, .....it's a fkin' good ting we didn't use WD-40


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From: Sack
Subject: Donald and Daisy


Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a Hotel room
and Donald wanted to have s*x with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, 'Do you have a condom?'

Donald frowned and said, 'No.'

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have s*x.
'Maybe they sell them at the front desk,' she suggested..

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had
condoms.  'Yes, we do,' the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the
counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, 'Would you like me to put them on your bill?

'Thit No!'  Donald quacked, I'll thuffocate.


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From: Stumpy Steve
Subject: green police ad


 Click here


___._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.___

Subject: This is an incredible ' REAL ' commercial. (Very Good X - ED)

American Audiences are not ready for this commercial yet!


       Fleggaard Holding A/S, through its subsidiaries, markets electronic
appliances.  The company specializes in selling televisions and radio
sets.

       Fleggaard Holding is based in Krusaa, Denmark.  Just across
Germany's northern-most border with Denmark you’ll find an incredible
superstore called Fleggaard.  There, you can buy everything you need –
tubs of gummi bears, cases of wine, industrial strength dishwashing soap –
at prices 30% cheaper than you’ll find in Denmark.  It is Denmark's Costco,
packaged as a
German loophole.

       You’d be hard-pressed to find a man in Denmark who hasn’t seen and
fallen in love with that commercial.  It was geared strictly to men.  The
ad is real!

       Here is a link to simply the best advertisement ever made. 
Honestly.
It's awesome.


       Click here


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From: Whizzbang
Subject: Stress message, sometimes we all need reminding.


Stress
A lecturer when explaining stress management to an audience,
Raised a glass of water and asked
'How heavy is this glass of water?'

Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g.

The lecturer replied, 'The absolute weight doesn't matter.
It depends on how long you try to hold it.
If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem.
If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm.
If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance.
In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier
it becomes.'

He continued,
'And that's the way it is with stress management.
If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later,
As the burden becomes increasingly heavy,
We won't be able to carry on. '

'As with the glass of water,
You have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again.
When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden.'
'So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down. Don't
carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow.

Whatever burdens you're carrying now,
Let them down for a moment if you can.'
So, my friend, Put down anything that may be a burden to you right now.
Don't pick it up again until after you've rested a while.

Here are some great ways of dealing with the burdens of life:

* Accept that some days you're the pigeon,
And some days you're the statue.

* Always keep your words soft and sweet,
Just in case you have to eat them.

* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be
"Recalled" by their maker.

* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again,
It was probably worth it.

* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to be kind to others.

* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time,
Because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

* Nobody cares if you can't dance well.
Just get up and dance.

* When everything's coming your way,
You're in the wrong lane.

* Birthdays are good for you.
The more you have, the longer you live.

* You may be only one person in the world,
But you may also be the world to one person...

* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

* We could learn a lot from crayons... Some are sharp, some are pretty and
some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colours, but
they all have to live in the same box.

*A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Have an awesome day


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Subject:  Buy, Buy American Pie

 Click here


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From: Whizzbang - (Who's in a largely philosophical mood this week - ED)
Subject: The ant and the grasshopper

ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER

This one is a little different.... Two Different Versions.... Two Different
Morals


  _____


OLD VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays
the summer away..

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.


MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!


MODERN VERSION
The ant works hard in the withering heat and the rain all summer long,
building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays
the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands
to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while he is
cold and starving.

Channels 7, 9 and 10,the ABC and SBS show up to provide pictures of the
shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home
with a table filled with food.

Australia is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is
allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Dateline with the grasshopper and everybody
cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green.'

Acoss stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news
stations film the group singing, 'We shall overcome.' Cardinal George Pell
then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's  sake.

Prime Minister Rudd condemns the ant and blames John Howard, Robert
Menzies,
Capt James Cook, and the White Australia policy for the grasshopper's
plight.

Bob Brown exclaims in an interview on Today Tonight that the ant has gotten
rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike
on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, Labor in conjunction with the Greens draft the Economic Equity &
Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs
and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is
confiscated by the Government and given to the grasshopper.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper and his free-loading friends
finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he
is in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant's old house,
crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident, and the house,
now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the
ramshackle,
once prosperous and once peaceful, neighbourhood.

MORAL OF THE STORY:  F*ck WORKING


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Subject: Three Tortoises


Three Tortoises

Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a  picnic. So Mick
packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches.

The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes   them ten
days to get there.

When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. 'Ok Les  give me the
bottle opener.'

'I didn't bring it,' says Les. 'I thought you packed it.'


Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan, 'Did you bring the bottle   opener??'


Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from  home
without a bottle opener.

Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for it, but he refuses as he  says they
will eat all the sandwiches.

After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise  lives that
they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.

So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace.


Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan  starving, but a
promise is a promise.

Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a  promise.


Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a  Sandwich each,
and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops  up from behind a rock and
shouts........

'I KNEW IT...I'M NOT F*C*ING GOING!'

___._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.___

Subject:  Tough times ahead!


This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan , Taliban Minister of
Emigration, Mohammed Omar warned Australia that if military action against
Iraq & Afghanistan continues, Taliban authorities will cut off Australia 's
Supply of Convenience Store managers, and if this action does not yield
Sufficient results, Cab Drivers will be next, followed by Telstra Customer
Service Reps, Dole Office Workers and Telemarketers and finally, Queensland
Doctors.


THIS IS GETTING UGLY, FOLKS!!!!!!


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Subject:  The bear & the barman

A bear walks into a bar in Billings , Montana and sits down. He bangs on
the bar with his paw and demands a beer.


The bartender approaches and says,

'We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings '

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully,

'We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings .......'


The bear, very angry now, says,


'If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the
end of the bar.'


The bartender says,


'Sorry, we don't serve beer to Belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings
'

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He
comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.


The bartender states,


'Sorry, but we especially don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in
bars in Billings who are on drugs.'


The bear looks at him quizzically and says,

'I'm not on drugs.'


(You're gonna love me for this...)


The bartender says,
'You are now!
That was a barbitchyouate'.


___._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.___

One Liners..............

I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door.

They asked me what I would like for my birthday.I was stunned when they
gave me a Rolex.

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I
wanna watch."


--------------------------------------------


Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub her
tummy and say "congratulations "but none of them rub your d1ck and say
"well done"?


--------------------------------------------


Honestly some folk will take offence at anything...I met a bloke with no
legs this morning while at the bus stop and all I asked was "How are you
getting on?"


--------------------------------------------


Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby

"Is this yours?" she asked.

"Probably." said Paddy "She burns everything else!"


--------------------------------------------


My missus has just gone into hospital with two black eyes and a broken jaw.
It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking
on the patio.


--------------------------------------------


Sex therapist claim that the most effective way to arouse your man is to
spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally I think its b*ll*cks!!


--------------------------------------------


They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right.
After 8 pints I talk sh*t and can't drive!


--------------------------------------------


Whats the difference between Basil Brush and a Terrorist with a rucksack?
The Terrorist with a rucksack only goes "Boom" once.


--------------------------------------------

Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist

"Is the Porn channel in my room disabled?"

"No," she replies "it's just regular porn you sick b*st*rd."


--------------------------------------------


A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.

I said "How can you tell them apart?"

He said "Her brother's got a moustache!"


___._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.___

Lets have some move AV stuff now!

From: Allnutts
Subject: FW: When A Japanese Baby Is Born

 Click here

___._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.___

Subject: Fwd: This is funny........

 Click here

___._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.___

Subject: The gap between rich and poor nations??

 Click here

 Click here

___._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.___

Subject: Watch what you're doing.................

 Click here

___._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.___

How Tequila works...............

 Click here


___._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.___

From: Moose
Subject: I was late for work because I missed the .....

 Click here

___._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.___

Subject: FW: FW: FW: Bored at work?

1.  Kill a few flies.

 Click here

2. Put them in the sun to dry for one hour.

 Click here

3. Once they are dry, pick a pencil and paper... Let your imagination flow.
Here are a few examples...

 Click here


 Click here


 Click here


 Click here


 Click here


___._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.___

From: Moose
Subject:  Emailing: Skeleton Sex

 Click here


___._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.___

Subject:  dirty deeds done with sheep

 Click here


___._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.___

From: Muse
Subject: Budweiser Bridge

 Click here


___._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.___

Subject: New Bachelor Show Promo

 Click here


___._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.___

From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject:  Manufacturing Spark Plugs in China

 Click here


In case you were wondering how they keep their prices so low!


___._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.___

Subject:  airport new scanner

 Click here

___._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.___

From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject:  True face Islam

 Click here

Think of his position in so called government and what he is saying. What
are we letting ourselves in for?


----------------------------------------------------------------------------
---

Everyone MUST WATCH THIS!!! It really is a wake-up call

It is amazing how one so against the British culture can be a Minister of
Justice (what justice in hypocrisy?) in the British Parliament.

Is this the new face of Labour?

Normally we get this type ranting by some jihad nutter. but shockingly this
tape is not by some backbench MP, but a cabinet Minister! In a UK
government.....

Everyone in the UK should be made to vote (like in Australia) that way the
minority wouldn't get people like this elected.

___._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.___

Subject: Balloon Show In Germany

 Click here

___._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.___

From: Stumpy Steve
Subject: Female football fans


                              Female football fans from around the world.

                              Italy :
 Click here

                              Germany :

 Click here
                              The USA :

 Click here
                              Korea :

 Click here
                              Portugal :
 Click here

                              Brazil !!!!
 Click here

                              and finally...

                              .

                              .

                              .
                              wait for it
                              .
                              .
                              .
                              .
                              .
                              .
 Click here
                              Liverpool !


___._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.___

From: Whizzbang
Subject:  Car Sex

Look hard at the first and second images before scrolling down

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


___._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.___

Subject: Why aboriginal porn doesn't work

 Click here

___._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.___

Subject:  my new fishin dory

A famous French shipbuilder ship company and one of Monaco joined hands
together to build this yacht with enormous dimensions: the WHY 58x38.
(58meter long and 38 meter wide) After the first pictures of this project.


The yacht, an area of 3400 m2 with seating for 12 passengers and 20 crew.


This is a "green" yacht.


Wally et Hermès use green energy to 20 to 30% fuel savings and 40 to 50%
electricity consumption on board. Therefore there are 900 m2 equipped with
solar panels, producing a daily output of 500 kW.


equipment:


Three decks, a 25 meter pool, a spa helicopterpad a 100m2 with hammam,
sauna, gym and massage room, a promenade of 130 meter, a music room, a
dining room, a cinema, sun decks, suites, terraces, a lounge, a bibi . The
luxury is at the rendez-vous.

The decks are connected by stairs but there is also an elevator.


The suite of the owner (ie ikke !!!!!):


With an area of 200m2 and completely covers the third deck. (This is the
bedroom) The sea view is great and there is a private terrace of 25 meter
long.


A sea of light.


 The yacht has the shape of a horseshoe and has a roof so everything is
bathed in a sea of light.


The spacious lounge.


On the lower deck are the common premises, such as lounge, piano bar and
dining area .....

Dinning Room


The dining room opens onto the sea view.


Suites for the guests


For the guests, 5 suites with sea views (on the middendek). There is also a
reading room equipped.


 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

___._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.___

Subject:  The Williams sisters after Wimbledon - (X - ED)

 Click here


___._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.___

Subject:  Most Beautiful Eyes Contest (XXX)

In July each year is the "Most Beautiful Eyes" contest.

Here are this year's contestants:


 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here


___._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.___

Subject:  forest conservation gone wrong  (XXXX - ED)

 Click here

___._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.___

Subject: Hooters - Adults Only!

 Click here

___._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.___

Subject:  Pre War Cars..

 Click here

___._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.___

Subject:  Free LCD TV

 Click here

___._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.___

Subject: PLEASE READ EMAIL FIRST FOR EXPLANATION

Hey there all,

I just had to send these pics we took recently at Portland Vic to my
truckin' type friends & those of you I knew would appreciate them. It
simply blew me away!!


1. This is the busy port at Portland where there are piles of woodchip you
can't imagine (as big as the coal piles at Gladstone port I guess) ready
for export. You can see the red tippers unloading into the hopper and onto
the conveyor from this lookout...but where do the blue NOSKE doubles
unload....and how??

 Click here

2. They drive one at a time onto a huge hydraulic tilt platform, chain
themselves to the structure and this tips the whole truck on end ..of
course! They tip it up...

 Click here

3. And up....

 Click here

4. And right up to almost vertical they go too!! Notice the gap between the
trailers closes up. I couldn't make it out but I think the front trailer
may be telescopic or something similar. Pretty cool though eh?

 Click here

5. Shows the truck that we watched unload back on the road about 15 mins
later.

 Click here

Hope you enjoyed this as much as I did. I couldn't draw myself away from
the camera & binoculars etc. The best vantage point we got was across the
bay and the earthworks in the foreground made it very dusty. Kidswere
whining,
wife was fuming in the car but hey, how often do you see that eh?

___._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.___

Subject: Car crash at airport

This is the car that crashed at the Mackay airport today at 6.50 am there
was also a child in the car the condition of the woman and child is
unknown at this stage.

This happened in a 40klm zone how stupid are people and it was raining at
the time, but she was not doing 40klm that's for sure.

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

___._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.___

Subject:  Spanish Beaches You Be The Judge - (XX - ED)

 Click here
___._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.___

From: anonymous
Subject: How to suck at FB

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

___._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.___

From: anonymous (You know who you are - ED)
Subject: Computer Repair


Caller: Hi, our printer is not working.

Customer Service: What is wrong with it?
Caller: Mouse is jammed.
Customer Service: Mouse? Printers don't have a mouse you fool!
Caller: Mmmmm??.. Oh really?...I will send a picture.

 Click here


___._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.___

From: anonymous
Subject: testicle guard     little known fact A....
 
The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first
helmet was used in 1974.
 
That means it took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also
important.


___._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.___

"Jokes of the proper kind, properly told, can do more to enlighten
questions of politics, philosophy, and literature than any number of dull
arguments."

---Isaac Asimov.

(One wonders what he would have thought of Wizzbang?? - ED)


___._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.____._-bh-_.___



--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End friday humour ]

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