Friday humour - February 12, 2010

Many more contributions this week, creating a bumper harvest of mirth and
merriment - thank you all for your contributions - without you we have
little to edit...........on with the humour


From: Allnutts
Hmmmm...... I knew I was smart but never realised WHY!!!

LO V E    T H I S ! ! !

Recently, in a large city in Australia, a poster featuring a young, thin
and tanned woman appeared in the window of a gym.
It said, "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"

A middle-aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of
the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the
gym.

To Whom It May Concern,

Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious
humans.) They have an active s*x life, get pregnant and have adorable baby
whales.  They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with
shrimp. They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like
Patagonia , the Bering Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia . Whales are
wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs. They are incredible
creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans.
They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.

Mermaids don't exist. If they did exist, they would be lining up outside
the offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or
human?
They don't have a s*x life because they kill men who get close to them, not
to mention how could they have s*x? Just look at them ... where is IT?
Therefore, they don't have kids either. Not to mention, who wants to get
close to a girl who smells like a fish store?

The choice is perfectly clear to me: I want to be a whale.

P. S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only
skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my
kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver, and a piece of
chocolate with my friends.

With time, we gain weight because we acc*mulate so much information and
wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to
the rest of our bodies.  So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured,
educated and happy.
Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, ¨Good
grief, look how smart I am!¨

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 A MUST watch video...This will make you hurt all over...lol

So what's so hard about this!!!!!!!!!LOL
These 3 sisters are amazing.  Just click on the link at the bottom and
enjoy!!!!!


This is a video of an act from 1944 - a sister act called the Ross 
Sisters.  I had never heard of them.  The song they sing is about 45
seconds long (nothing special) but what they do next after the act was
amazing!

Can you imagine these girls on  Australia's Got Talent , America's Got
Talent andor England's Got Talent?

I don't think I have ever seen a human being do some of the stunts they
did! Hope you enjoy it!

(HINT: Watch past the first 60 seconds or so, then
Whoa! lookout!)

     Click here

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From: Burnout

Toyota have apologised for not spotting the fault which causes loss of
control. They would have noticed it sooner if the Yaris had actually been
bought by men.
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I've decided to kill my wife and make it look like an accident.
Bought her a new Toyota!

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From: Damian

Three models are flying in a private jet to the Model Convention: Claudia
Shiffer, Naomi Campbell, and Kate Moss. Suddenly, the pilot comes over the
speaker and says "Prepare for a crash landing, we're losing power."
Immediately, Kate Moss reaches for her purse and pulls out her lip stick.
"What are you doing?!" Naomi screams. "We're going down, and you're
applying lipstick?"
"Well, I figure they are going to look for the prettiest super model
first."
Claudia then begins to adjust her bra and push her cleavage up.
"What are you doing?" Kate screams.
"You know they are going to look for the super model with the biggest b**bs
first."
The plane begins to rapidly loose altitude and with that, Naomi rips her
mini skirt off.
"What the heck are you doing?" the other two yell out.
"Girl, you know they be looking for the black box first..."


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 From: Damian
 Little Red Riding Hood

Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest.
Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or
else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your t!ts dry!"
Little Red started towards her grandmother's house but decided to take the
shortcut through the forest anyway.
The turtle stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn back and use the path,
because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll suck your t!ts dry!"
Little Red was almost there, so she kept going through the forest.
Sure enough, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of nowhere and tells her "Take off
your shirt Little Red Riding Hood - I'm gonna suck your t!ts dry!!".
"Oh no you don't", yells Little Red, as she pulls up her skirt, "You're
gonna eat me just like the story says!"


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 From: Damian

A penguin, bored with the Antarctic weather, was on holiday driving through
outback Australia when he started hearing a strange knocking sound from the
car's engine. Knowing how dangerous it would be for a polar sea-bird to be
stuck in the middle of the desert, he quickly pulled into the next
service-station.
The mechanic took a quick look at the car, and said "Mate, it'll take me a
few minutes to find out what's going on", so the penguin ducked
(penguined?) into the shop and bought an ice-cream. Unfortunately, the hot
sun was melting the ice-cream, and penguin flippers not being the most
dextrous of limbs, he got as much ice-cream on his face as he did in his
mouth.
Rather annoyed now, the penguin went back to the mechanic to see what was
wrong. The mechanic looked at the penguin for a moment, and shook his
head.
"Mate, I'm sorry, but it looks like you've blown a seal."
"No, no!", replied the penguin. "It's only ice-cream!"

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From: Digi Steve

 At last - some sanity - Australian ISP iiNet has won a landmark Federal
Court battle against the Australian Federation Against Copyright Theft
(AFACT).

AFACT, representing Roadshow Films, Channel 7 and other film studios
including Universal Pictures, Warner Bros Entertainment,
Paramount Pictures, Sony Pictures Entertainment, Twentieth Century Fox Film
Corporation, and Disney Enterprises attempted to sue iiNet for failing to
act against customers downloading illegal content over the Internet via
BitTorrent and P2P file sharing networks.

In handing down his verdict, Justice Cowdroy said that though there was
substantial evidence of users downloading pirated content,
iiNet can't be seen as "approving infringement."

"I find the mere provision of access to the Internet is not the means of
infringement. Rather, the means by which the applicant's copying is
infringed is in iiNet users' use of the constituent parts of the
BitTorrent system. iiNet has no control over the
BitTorrent system and is not responsible for the operation of the
BitTorrent system," ruled Justice Cowdroy.

"I find that iiNet simply cannot be seen as sanctioning, approving or
countenancing copyright infringement," he continued.

In addition to ruling in favour of iiNet, Justice Cowdroy also ruled that
AFACT pay iiNet all court costs.
What will they try next? Perhaps toll road companies should be punished for
every motorist that speeds. I am so grateful we don't follow the US in
everything they do.

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From: Seasoldier
 Conquer the Scots

Edward Longshanks (Edward I of England) Comes to Scotland to Conquer the
Scots. He brings 4,000 men with him. As he nears the battlefield, there
suddenly appears a solitary figure on the crest of the hill. A short,
ginger-haired guy in a kilt. 'Hammer O the Scots?' yells the wee Scottish
guy on the hill. 'Come up here, ya English bastards, And I'll give ye a
hammerin'!'

Edward turns to his commander. 'Send 20 men to deal with that little
Scottish upstart, he says. The commander sends twenty of His best men over
the hill to kill the Scotsman. Ten minutes later, at the crest of the
hill,
the little Scot appears again. 'Ya English diddies!' he yells. 'Come on the
rest of ye!! Come on, I'll have ye all!'

Edward is getting somewhat annoyed. He turns to his commander. 'Send 100
men to kill that little guttersnipe!' The commander sends 100 men over the
hill to do the job. Ten minutes later, the little Scot appears at the top
of the
Hill once more, his hair all sticking up, His shirt a wee bit torn. 'Ya
English SCUM!' he yells. 'I'm just warming up!! Come and get me, Ya English
sh*te!!'

Edward losses patience. 'Commander, take 400 men and personally WIPE HIM
OFF
THE EARTH!' he yells. The commander gulps, but leads four Hundred men on
horseback over the crest of the hill. Ten minutes later, the little
Scotsman is back. His clothing is all torn, His face is covered in blood,
Snot and
Irn-Bru. 'Is that the best ye can do??? You're bloody WUMMIN!!! Come on!!
Come and have a go ya bunch of English Shite!!!' he yells.

Edward turns to his second in command. 'Take 1,000 men over that hill and
don't come back till you've killed him!' he commands.  The second in
command gathers the men and they ride off over the hill to their fate.

Ten minutes later, one of the English troops appears back at the top of the
hill. He's covered in blood and his clothes are all torn. 'Your Majesty!'
he yells.

 'It's a trap!!! There's TWO of them!!!'

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From: Whizzbang

Three rugby fans - a Springbok fan, a New Zealand fan and an Australian fan
were all walking home after watching a game at the pub.
They come across a dead, naked woman lying on the pavement, and decide to
phone the police.
The Springbok fan couldn't bear to see the undignified woman lying on the
floor in such a manner, and took off his Sprinbok cap and placed it over
the woman's left breast.
Not to be outdone the OZ fan, removed his cap and placed it over the
woman's right breast. Similarly, the Kiwi fan felt he could be of
assistance and removed his cap and placed it over her groin area.
Now, when the police arrived, the 3 Rugby fans had to stick around for
questioning by them.
They watched the officer inspect the scene of the crime.
The officer picked up the cap from the left breast, had a peek, put the cap
down and then wrote down some notes. He then picked up the cap from the
right breast, had a peek,
put the cap down and wrote down some notes.
Next, of course, was the cap over the groin area. The officer picked up the
cap, put it down and then wrote some notes. He picked up the cap again, put
it down and wrote some further notes. For the third time, the officer did
the same thing which infuriated the hell out of the
Kiwi fan to the point where he went up to the officer.
"What are you? Some kind of pervert? Why do you keep looking there?" asked
the obviously annoyed Kiwi fan.
The officer replied "It's just weird - normally, you'd expect to see a
pr*ck under a Kiwi cap!"

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 From: Whizzbang

A teacher in a Detroit kindergarten class asked the kids what kind of sound
a pig makes.
Little Tyrone stood up and yelled:
"FREEZE, MUTHAFUCKA!!"
I guess there aren't many farms in Detroit ..

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From: Whizzbang
 SO TRUE!!

To the Americans who think they are in a position to call us racist from
across an ocean, PISS OFF. Australian comedy and advertising is for
Australian consumption and if it doesn't make any reference to America,
tough for you. Just remember, you gave the world two George Bush's and the
KKK. If you don't like out version of comedy, PISS OFF.

To the Indians who don't like the speed of police investigations, PISS OFF.
You get the same treatment as everybody else. Australians in general don't
condone violence against others. India can't guarantee security within its
own borders, so you are in no position to judge us. If you don't like that,
PISS OFF.

To the Japanese who are killing whales in Australian waters, PISS OFF. This
is not scientific research. Go kill whales in your own waters. And if you
don't like the fact that we will send protestors to harass you at every
turn, PISS OFF.

To the Muslims who come into this country and then complain about how we
dress, act or do anything, PISS OFF. If you want to wear clothing that
covers your face, if you want to live under Islamic law and if you want to
live in your own little enclaves, go and live in an Islamic country.
Australia is happy to accept any religion, but don't try and change us.
Australia is a nation based on Christian principles. If you don't like it,
PISS OFF.

To Sri Lankans who are coming over here on the never ending stream of
boats,
PISS OFF. This country is happy to accept legitimate refugees, but if you
can afford 15 grand to pay people smugglers and bypass a dozen other
countries, don't expect to be welcomed with open arms. There is a
legitimate refugee system and there are other more deserving people
waiting in refugee camps. If you can't stand to wait in line like the
others using the system legitimately, PISS OFF.

To the Croatians and Serbians who want to come to this country and bring
your politics with you, PISS OFF. Your violence at soccer and tennis
matches is a disgrace. Sure, you had lots of problems in your homeland.
You came here for a better life. So leave the hatred and politics behind.
We will welcome you, but if you bring your crap with you, we don't want
you. PISS
OFF.


To any nationality that wants to come to this country. This is Australia.
We have our own culture, language, way of dress and attitudes. We champion
the fair go and will welcome people of all nationalities, languages and
religions. We will embrace you and enjoy sharing your culture. We will
welcome you to our neighbourhoods. But if you want to change us, PISS OFF.
If you want to live in your own little enclaves and not integrate, PISS
OFF.
And if you don't even live in this country and want to complain about the
way we do business, PISS RIGHT OFF. Get your own country in order before
you even try and judge us.


I'm bloody Australian and proud of it. And if you don't like that, PISS
OFF.

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From: Allnutts
 WOW!.....

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Make Sure You Read the very last line after the photo's.
A truck was traveling down the highway at around 1 o'clock in the morning
near Tulsa, Oklahoma.
Motorcyclist was traveling at ~120mph and ran into the back of the moving
semi-truck.
Truck driver said he felt the impact, and it took almost a 1/4 mile for him
to pull over.
This is what he found...

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Allnutts
Granny on a Plane

 Click here

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From: Burnout

 Click here

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From: Burnout

 Click here

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 From: Burnout
 Digital Editing

 Click here

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From: Burnout
 Click here

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 From: Diks
Two Brothers ... (photo)
 Click here
YEP!
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 From: Diks
 Home Depot offers new service

 Click here

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From: Muse
Worlds shortest holdup
 Click here

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From: Muse
 Charade... or not
 Click here

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New Forest Robin
 Determining the Sex of Birds - Male or Female?

 Click here

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Treating a BLACK EYE

                            For years the conventional wisdom has been that
the best
                            treatment for a black eye is to put a piece of
cold,
                            raw meat on it.

                            While the raw meat helps reduce the swelling
and aids in the
                            healing process, using a cold steak actually
                            delays the recovery of broken blood vessels
that cause the
                            black and blue marks around the eyes.

                            Studies have shown that application of warm
meat is the most
                            effective in helping the eyes to recover from
the damage.

                            See treatment below!

 Click here

                            Administer treatment until pain & swelling are
gone.
                            Warning: Some secondary swelling may occur.

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From: Sack
 Carry-on Luggage

 Click here

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 From: Sack
 Here's some good old country music for you. - AT A HIGH SCHOOL REUNION

 Click here

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From: Stumpy Steve
 A TALE OF TWO HOUSES
 Click here Click here


              Thought you might find this interesting.

              Tale of Two Houses

              House  #1
              A 20 room  mansion (not including 8  bathrooms) heated by
natural gas. Add on a pool (and a pool house) and a separate  guest house,
all heated by gas. In one month this residence consumes more energy than
the average American household does in a year. The  average bill for
electricity and natural gas runs over $2400 per month.  In natural gas
alone, this property consumes more than 20 times the  national average for
an American home.. This house is not situated in a Northern or Midwestern 
"snow belt" area. It's in the South.


------------------------------------------------------------------


              House  #2
              Designed by an architecture professor at a leading national
university. This house incorporates every "green" feature current home
construction can provide. The house is 4,000 square feet (4 bedrooms) and
is nestled on a high prairie in the American southwest. A central closet
in the house holds geothermal heat-pumps drawing ground water through
pipes sunk 300 feet into the ground.

              The water (usually 67 degrees F) heats the house in the
winter and cools it in the  summer. The system uses no fossil fuels such
as oil or natural gas and  it consumes one-quarter electricity required
for a conventional  heating/cooling system. Rainwater from the roof is
collected and funneled into a 25,000 gallon underground cistern.
Wastewater from showers, sinks and toilets goes into underground purifying
tanks and then into the cistern. The collected water then irrigates the
land surrounding the house. Surrounding flowers and shrubs native to the
area  enable the property to blend into the surrounding rural landscape.

              ~~~~~
              HOUSE #1 is  outside of Nashville,  Tennessee;
              it is the abode of the  "environmentalist" Al Gore.

              HOUSE #2 is  on a ranch near Crawford, Texas;
              it is the residence of ex President of the United States,
George W. Bush.

              An  "inconvenient truth."

              I sure hope  this gets passed to everyone!
              And, yes ...  I DID check Snopes prior to forwarding it.
              You can verify it at :
 Click here

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From: Stumpy Steve
 Brilliant Ad

 Click here

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From: Stumpy Steve
 How to spot a good Old Age home
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
 PMS

 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
  AND BRAVE MAN OF THE YEAR AWARD GOES TO...

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Whizzbang
 Funny ads
 Click here Click here Click here

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From: Whizzbang
 Good ad
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
 Epic fails.

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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From: Whizzbang
 Celeb motivationals
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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 From: Whizzbang
  Raid on the Home of a Colombian Drug Dealer - check out the gold plated
weapons
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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 From: Whizzbang
 HUMMER.
 Click here

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[ End friday humour ]

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