Friday humour - February 05, 2010

From Burnout @ Bluehaze

From: Allnutts
Subject: Scam warning!

Scam Warning!!!!
Just got scammed out of $25.
Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My favourite 18 holes".
Turns out it's about golf.
Absolute waste of money.
Pass this on so others don't get scammed.


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From: Allnutts
Subject:Nick the Dragon Slayer............


Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.   the Dragon
Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to
touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the
Physician, the King's chief doctor.. Horatio thought about this and said
that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it
would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little
bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the
itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio
informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four
hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the
saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their
chambers..
Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put
into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on
the
Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually
relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.


Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of
1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have
cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King
and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder
into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story - Pay your bills.


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Subject: FW: card trick


There's a couple around that are similar but this is quite
entertaining......D


 This is great, and it's Aussie!

Best Card Trick Ever:

 Click here
k2DoYneLi_oucmqx1Hag8d8204_e6PThwGB9hIV7t7r92yGfYX7alJRYZ6YXtkuSyd-Bn7K6zkCw
e5ekUtki8v82aoUvDC0p5P39cSsU9LPps1naQm0QaUJdu94S5h2zvCvKX-iQqmBXTdfrK4=


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From: Burnout
Subject: Parental control

 Click here


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From: Diks
Subject: ATV Lake Skimming

Save this thought for warmer weather...

 Click here


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From: Duke of Barsinov (Frog Bashing here _ ED)
Subject: You could have heard a pin drop - Murray


JFK'S Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60's when
DeGaulle decided to pull out of NATO. DeGaulle said he wanted all US
military out of France as soon as possible.Rusk responded "Does that
include those who are buried here?"DeGaulle did not respond. You could
have heard a pin drop

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers
were taking part,
including French and American. During a break, one of the French engineers
came back into the room saying
'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an
aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he
intended to do, bomb them?'A Boeing engineer stood up and replied
quietly:
'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred
people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical
power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity
to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand
gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a
dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from
their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does
France have?'You could have heard a pin drop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals
from the U.S. ,
English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a c*cktail reception,
he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included
personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in
English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly
complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn
only English. He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak
English in these conferences rather than speaking French? 'Without
hesitating, the American
Admiral replied,'Maybe it's because the
Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have
to speak German.
'You could haveheard a pin drop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT INWITH THE ABOVE...Robert
Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French
Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.
"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked
sarcastically. Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready. "The American
said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible.
Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France !"The
American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly
explained,
"Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate
this country, I couldn't find a single
Frenchmen to show a passport to. "You could have heard a pin drop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you are proud to be an American, Canadian, Australian or British pass
this on! If not, delete it.

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From: Moose
Subject: Check out this shredder!

Damn!!!!!! I wouldn't want to get caught up in this baby......


 Click here


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From: Muse
Subject: Wow!

We have a long way to go to catch up with this girl!

 Click here

 Click here


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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject:  Mrs Brown...........hilarious!


CLICK ON THE LINK, THE FUNNIEST THING I'VE SEEN IN A LONG TIME.


 Click here


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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: what can you do with a cop like this

A businessman has been fined 60 and had his driving licence endorsed for
blowing his nose while stuck in a traffic jam.

Michael Mancini, a furniture restorer from Prestwick, Ayrshire, was given
the fixed penalty and docked three penalty points after leaning over and
pulling out a paper handkerchief to wipe his nose when stuck in Ayr High
Street.  Mancini said that his van was in neutral with its handbrake on,
and that he was flabbergasted when he was signalled into a parking bay by
an approaching policeman.

Matters became "a little bit surreal", he said, when he wound down his
window and was promptly charged by the stern-faced PC Stuart Gray, a man
known locally as "Shiny Buttons" in recognition of his zealous attention
to detail.  "I honestly thought it was a joke," said Mancini, 39, who was
booked for failing to be in control of his vehicle.

"I said, 'You've got to be kidding'.  But he was absolutely deadpan.  He's
a policeman, so you're not going to start shouting abuse at him.  I
thought,
'What is the world coming to?' You pick the papers up every day and they
are full of horror stories - but this bloke has nothing more to do with
his time."

PC Gray earned notoriety for doling out a 50 fine to Stewart Smith,
another
Ayr man, who dropped a 10 note from his back pocket.  Mr Smith was charged
with littering.

Edmund King, the president of the Automobile Association, said: "We have
never ever heard of a driver being fined for blowing his nose at the wheel
before.  One could argue it is safer to blow your nose rather than suffer
the consequences of not doing so." Mr Mancini's first instinct after his
arrest last October was to contact the press and express his outrage, but
he decided instead to give Strathclyde Police the opportunity to drop the
case.
They did not, and last week the local procurator fiscal reaffirmed his
determination to proceed.

The district court has no power to award costs, so even if Mancini's case
is dismissed, he may face considerable expense.

"It is absolutely crazy, but I have no option but to press on," Mancini
said.  "The police must show some common sense.  I believe absolutely in
road safety, but I am not going to sit back and accept a 60 fine and
three points on my licence for something that I didn't do.  I will fight
this all the way." Bill Aitken, MSP, the Conservative justice spokesman in
the
Scottish Parliament, condemned the police behaviour as perverse.  "Frankly,
when this sort of thing happens, it is quite depressing for those of us who
wish to uphold the Scottish legal system.  This matter should proceed no
further."


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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: one law for the rich - and another for the poor

A court in the Netherlands ruled yesterday that the fast-food company
McDonald's over-reacted in dismissing an employee who added a piece of
cheese to a colleague's hamburger without charging for it.  McDonalds has
been ordered to pay compensation since, the court ruled, "The cost of a
slice of cheese is not comparable to a severe step such as redundancy".

In March 2009, a waitress in Lemmer sold a hamburger to a colleague, and
then added some cheese when she was asked for some.  McDonald's said that
this made the meal a cheeseburger, not a hamburger, and so she was sacked
for not charging extra for the cheese.  Rules for staff, the company
argued,
prevented them from giving food away for free.

Now a court in Leeuwarden has ordered McDonald's to pay her more than
?4,200 (about US$5,900 or 3,700), since it decided that a written warning
would have been a more appropriate reaction.  The compensation is for five
months of lost earnings, with holiday pay and interest.

The court noted that the manager of the branch had not asked the employee
for an explanation before firing her, nor had McDonald's considered taking
action against the colleague who asked for the cheese.  "The dismissal was
too severe a measure.  It is just a slice of cheese," said the court.

I am glad the court saw sense in this case, technically it was theft, but I
have in the past had to get a biro from the stationery cabinet at work, and
it was still in my pocket when I got home, this technically was also theft,
but we all have done it at some time or another. What annoys me is a large
corporation saw fit to dismiss a person for a slice of cheese, and
possibly affecting her future employment if this was mentioned  when asked
for a reference, and yet our politicians can steal expenses from the public
purse to the tune of thousands of pounds in some cases, and still keep
their jobs,
and get their gratuity handout when told that they can't stand for office
again, thus protecting their golden handshake and pension.

So let's be reasonable, the piece of cheese was worth shall we say 10p - so
let's be really generous, and say anything more than 1 is a crime,
anything less than that worthy of a written caution; thus allowing ten
times more for the rich and powerful - will the law be fair to rich and
poor ever?
Never - not a chance!


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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: It was 1947


The year is 1947

Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago,
witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens
aboard crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell, New
Mexico . This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered
up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine
months after that historic day, the following people were born:

  Albert A. Gore, Jr..
  Hillary Rodham
  John F. Kerry
  William J. Clinton
  Howard Dean
  Nancy Pelosi
  Dianne Feinstein
  Charles E. Schumer
  Barbara Boxer

  See what happens when aliens breed with sheep and jackasses?
  I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for
you.        It did for me.

  No wonder they support the bill to help illegal aliens!


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From: Sack
Subject: ticket

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed
appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the
patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.
Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him
about it,
he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he
could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across
his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape,
the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all.
Written in large black letters was the sentence:
Get well soon.....from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week.'
Kinda brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?


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From: Sack
Subject: How to choose a restaurant.


      A group of 40 year old buddies discussed where they should meet for
dinner.
      Finally it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View
restaurant because the waitresses there had low cut blouses and were very
young.

      10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed
where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should
meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was better than
most places and the wine selection was extensive.

      10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed
where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should
meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace
and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

      10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed
where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should
meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheel chair
accessible and they even had an elevator.

      10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed
where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should
meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there
before.


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+++ From: Sack
+++ Subject: Tiger again +++ Content:
Tiger Jokes.........


There was some good news for Tiger last week. He was just voted "Athlete of
the Decade" by The Associated Press.  He's also been named "Athlete of the
Decade" by Playboy, Penthouse, and Hustler!  We now see that Tiger
Woods drives very well on the fairway but doesn't fare very well on the
driveway.


Tiger Woods' popularity has fallen down to 33 percent.  Any lower and maybe
he should think about running for Congress.  He never lied to her when he
said, "Honey, I'm going out to play a-round."


Did you know that Tiger doesn't like to refer to his other women as
"mistresses."  He prefers to call them "provisional's."  Tiger Woods paid
some of his mistresses between $5,000 and $20,000 a month to keep quiet
about his affairs.  That's the second bailout plan this year that didn't
work.


One of the Tiger Woods' mistresses is in talks to pose for Playboy.
They are thinking they can have each month of the year covered with a
mistress and call it "The Year of the Tiger."  One woman linked to Tiger
Woods is 48 years old.  Or, as Tiger refers to her, "my senior tour."


Tiger Woods is taking a break from golf.  I guess he needs some time off to
get his AFFAIRS in order.


Construction on a Tiger Woods Golf Course will continue in Dubai,
according to a spokesman for the project.  However, they are considering
changing their advertising slogan: "If you love golf and want to play a
round."


What is one golf expression that Tiger will never say to his wife again?
"Hey Honey, I'm only going to play 9 holes!"


When the cop asked Mrs. Woods how many times she hit Tiger with the club
she said, "I don't know, put me down for a five."


Tiger is early favorite for 2010 Nobel "Piece" Prize!


Tiger's favorite Christmas Carol: "I'm Dreaming of a White Mistress."


The latest speculation is that Tiger Woods may be trying to rekindle his
marriage by taking his wife on a cruise on his yacht.
You know, before it becomes her yacht.


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From: Seasoldier
Subject: Ed and Dorothy


 Ed and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels
for her.  When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few
miles apart Ed was ecstatic.  He immediately started asking her out when
they got home.
   Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs,
restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums.  Ed became convinced that
Dorothy    was indeed his soul mate and true love.  Every date seemed
better than the last.

   On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship,
Ed took Dorothy to a fine restaurant.  While having c*cktails and waiting
for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with
you.
I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the
next stage.  So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life
changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut.  I
play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV.  In short, I eat, sleep,
and breathe golf.  If that's going to be a problem, for us, you'd better
say so now!"
Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a
problem.  I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're
being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last
five years I've been a hooker."
   "Oh wow!  I see," Ed replied.  He looked down at the table, and was
quiet for a moment, deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's
probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the
ball."


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From: Burnout
Subject: Redneck Waterskiing

 Click here


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Subject: Missed by inches

 Click here


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From: Burnout
Subject: New Movie.....

 Click here


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From: Burnout
Subject: Monkeys in Business

 Click here Click here Click here

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From: Burnout
Subject: There's one in every bunch

 Click here


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From: Burnout
Subject: Know your product, the true meaning of Class..........

 Click here

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From: Cartographer Chris
Subject: inspire

This school was rated last in NSW on J Gillard's list

 Click here


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From: Cartographer Chris
Subject: Can U do this?

 Click here

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From: Digi Steve
Subject: Suicide bombers are alarmed...

 Click here

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From: Digi Steve
Subject: And you thought Telstra was bad ...

 Click here


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From: Diks
Subject: Your next prostate exam?

 Click here


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From: Kaos_reflex
Subject: New - male orthopaedic bed.

Somebody has finally made an orthopedic bed just for MEN.


Can be ordered in three firmness levels......"saline, silicone or natural"
in sizes C - DDDD ....... anyone wanting  less than a C should just sleep
on the floor.

 Click here


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From: Moose
Subject: Keep on fail-ing ...

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject:  New! People of Wal-Mart - New!

Do you have any idea how tiring it can be putting on purple sweatpants like
this? I'm going to take a nap right now just from thinking about it.
North Carolina

For my own sanity, I have to assume that she is shoplifting pork roasts in
her shirt. Simply because there is no possible way those are what you
think they are. They can't be, I refuse to believe it. Don't try to reason
with me.
Arkansas

I guarantee that nobody in the country HAS ever, CAN ever, or WILL ever
rock out as hard as these two in Wal-Mart. End of story.
Arkansas

You ever wonder what would happen if you microwaved one of those tubes of
Pillsbury rolls?

There really is nothing crazy/creepy/gross/whatever about this picture. I'm
really just curious to hear all of your comments regarding at what age does
twins dressing alike stop being cute and fall under weird? Talk amongst
yourselves..
Arizona

I like talking to her because she always seems so surprised and interested
in what I'm saying. That, and because she kinda looks like the old lady in
Adam Sandler's Eight Crazy Nights.
Idaho

Now go on! Get up there and get me my damn Fanta!
Georgia

Well if the Cowboys want to call themselves "America's Team", they need to
have a true American cheerleader. I think we have found her.
Arizona

Just because your back is burning doesn't make it okay to make our eyes
burn! I'd feel sorry for you if they didn't make a product to prevent that
which only costs like $2.99. Sooooooo, someone should slap your sunburn.
Unknown

Oh, it's so violent and angry!! It looks like everything is trying to get
as far away from the top of his head as possible.
Texas

Just because you put a name on it and hang it up for everyone to see
doesn't make it a Christmas stocking, okay?

The sand moves really quickly through this "hourglass".
Texas

They're so cute when mom puts them down for their afternoon nap.
Nebraska


 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject:  15 reasons to play golf

 Click here


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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject:  Body Painting.....

 Click here


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From: Sack
Subject: Deer Hunter

 Click here


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From: Stumpy Steve
Subject: The Operation

A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation.

She was awake, so he examined her.
"You'll be fine," he said.

She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal s*x life
again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor?  I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine.
It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils
out."

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From: Whizzbang
Subject:  Heckler    (X - ED)

 Click here


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From: Whizzbang
Subject:  Love

 Click here


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From: Whizzbang
Subject: Golf Shot Classic

 Click here


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+++ Time: 20100201213209
+++ From: Whizzbang
Subject: Tiger's new endorsement deal

 Click here Click here

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: do you know who you are?

You think you have lived to be 75 and know who you are, then along comes
someone and blows it all to hell!
An old Pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him...
She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes; Cubs, Aeronca's,
Neiuports, flew A-6 Attack aircraft in Vietnam, taught 50 people to fly and
gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot.'


She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women.
As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I
shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked
women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women..'

The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old
pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.


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From: Whizzbang

Subject:  Listen to what he says about the Chinese he's right they don't
have any problems with terrorists in china.

 Click here


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From: Whizzbang
Subject: The Latest Tech Ideas..

 Click here


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From: Whizzbang
Subject:  Haiti Jan 27th, 2010

 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Subject:  911 call - Sweetwater, Texas VERY FUNNY  but open in white only
area.

Make sure you listen to what the cop says at last, he changed his language.

 Click here


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From: Whizzbang
Subject: Vegetable humour..

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


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From: Whizzbang
Subject: It's OK now......The cops are here !

It's OK now......The cops are here !

 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Subject:  Who Cares For You?

No not me I don't care


 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: Simple test---- be honest with answer FIRST


ETHICS TEST


Be Honest and try to answer each part honestly.

Gets harder as you go along.

They seem simple at first.


Question # 1:

You are running late for work, so you cut through the park to save time.?
As you round the corner you find a little girl crying because she has
spilled her ice cream all over herself.

What do you do?

A)? You are so late that you keep on going and hope that no one sees you.

B)? You stop and offer to buy her another ice cream to shut her up.

C)? You stop and offer to clean her up and get her another ice cream.

Scroll down and see if you answered correctly!

BE

HONEST


Want to change your answer?

... end of test


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From: Whizzbang
Subject: New World Cup Soccer uniforms


I have just viewed the new uniforms and discovered a major fault.

All the crutches have split. Must be too tight when they try to kick
overhead.

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here


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From: Whizzbang
Subject:  THIS IS ONE RED LIGHT YOU WANT TO STOP FOR...

THIS IS ONE RED LIGHT YOU WANT TO STOP FOR!!

This puts a whole new meaning to the saying, "Never run a red light !"  
Did you know Gibraltar 's Airport runway and vehicular traffic crossings
are at the same level ?

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here


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From: Whizzbang
Subject:  How True!

 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Subject:  Detroit 2009 Autorama

A few revheads will appreciate some of these pics


LOVELY TO LOOK


Detroit's 2009 Autorama


 Here are a few snaps from this year's  Detroit  Autorama, being held this
weekend.

  '30 coupe; one of the dramatic vehicles parked up front to catch
everyone's attention as they walk in.

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And From: Biggus the Joke of the Week! very funny!

Subject: Yolks

The Pope and Kevin Rudd were sharing a platform in front of a huge crowd at
the AFL Grand Final.
The Pope leaned towards Rudd and whispered.
 "Did you know that with one little movement of my hand, I can make every
person in this crowd go wild with joy?  It will not just bring momentary
joy to them, as with the spectators of a football match, but it will leave
an indelible mark on their hearts and they will forever speak of this day
and rejoice!"

Rudd replied, "I seriously doubt that!  With one little wave of your hand?
Show me."

So the Pope backhanded the bastard.

And the crowd Went wild.


That's it for this week boys & girls, keep the stuff rolling in.

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[ End friday humour ]

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