Friday humour - January 29, 2010



[from Davo at Bluehaze ]


G'day

Some funnies to end the long Australia Day week ...


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First up a couple from Damian

                                   Speakah Da English

A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated
conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, But her attention is
galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more! Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee
twice. Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any more, 'You foul-mouthed s*x obsessed pig,' She
retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud In public
places about our s*x lives.'

Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin'abouta s*x? I'm a justa
tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi'.'


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                                Man of the House

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled,'YOU CAN BE THE
MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'. He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and
announced....."From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this
house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and
when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the
kind of s*x that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I
can relax.
You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will
massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and
comb my hair?"

The wife replied ................. 'The f*ckin' funeral director would be
my first guess.'


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These came from EAJ in UK who says ...
"Hi All   I've been reading your site for a long while now and have enjoyed
it immensly! Here's some for you."

                                        Joke 4 u!

At a crowded lecture hall, the speaker stands up and says "Hands up if any
of you every seen a ghost?" Quite a few people put up their hand.

The speaker continues.."And of those, how many have actually claimed to
have touched a ghost?". Many hands go down, but still a few remain.

"And of these, have any of you every had s*x with a ghost?". All the hands
go down except this person right at the back of the hall! The speaker
shouts. "Sir! are you saying you've actually had s*x with a ghost?" The
man shouted back "Oh, ghost!..... I thought you said GOAT!"

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What do you call a man with a piece of bacon on his head....... Hamed

What do you call a man with 3 pieces of bacon on his head...... Mohamed

What do you call a man with 3 pieces of bacon on his head and a vibrator up
his ass! ... Sheikh Mohammed!

What do you call Bambi when he's Blind?    No Idea

What do you call Bambi when he's Blind and has no legs?   Still no idea

What do you call Bambi when he's Blind and has no legs ontop of a female?
Still no f*cking Idea


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From Kaos-reflex

                          ALCOHOL TROUBLESHOOTING

SYMPTOM

FAULT

ACTION


Feet cold and wet.

Glass being held at incorrect angle.

Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.


Feet warm and wet.

Improper bladder control.

Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.


Drink unusually pale and tasteless.

Glass empty.

Get someone to buy you another drink.


Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.

You have fallen over backward.

Have yourself lashed to bar.


Mouth contains cigarette butts.

You have fallen forward.

See above.


Alcohol tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.

Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.

Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.


Floor blurred.

You are looking through bottom of empty glass.

Get someone to buy you another drink.


Floor moving.

You are being carried out.

Find out if you are being taken to another bar.


Room seems unusually dark.

Bar has closed.

Confirm home address with bartender.


Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.

Alcohol consumption has exceeded personal limitations.

Cover mouth.


Everyone looks up to you and smiles.

You are dancing on the table.

Fall on somebody cushy-looking.


Drink is crystal-clear.

It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.

Punch him.


Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.

You have been in a fight.

Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.


Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.

You've wandered into the wrong party.

See if they have free alcohol.


Your singing sounds distorted.

The drink is too weak.

Have more alcohol until your voice improves.


Don't remember the word s to the song.

Drink is just right.

Play air guitar.


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                                  Two woodpeckers

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about
which country had the toughest trees.  The Mexican woodpecker claimed
Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole
in the tree with no problem.  The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a
tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by
woodpeckers). 

The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and
accepted the challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully
pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused.  How is it that the Canadian
woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker
was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree
in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:  

Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said, your pecker gets harder
when you're away from home.


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From Smithie of Nottingham

                               Two medical students

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man
walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry
Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has
Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we
learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached
him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and
couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the
syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine
medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought it was a Fart........ .............. But I was
wrong, too!"


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This stuff is from Seasoldier

                                    A morning smile

A group of 40 years old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet
for dinner..

Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen
restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice
breasts.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again
they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon
that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is
very good and the wine selection is good also..

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again
they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon
that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there
in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again
they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon
that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is
wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again
they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon
that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a
great idea because they have never been there before.


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                        Stimulating the Ontario Economy

Just in Case You Get a Cheque....

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive an Economic Stimulus
payment ie. HST rebate. This is a very exciting program from the Ontario
government.. I'll explain it using the Q and A format:

Q. What is Ontario 's Economic Stimulus payment? A. It is money that the
provincial government will send to taxpayers.

Q.. Where will the government get this money? A. From taxpayers..

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money? A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment? A. The plan is for you to use the
money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of Asia ? A. Shut up or you don't
get your check.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Canadian economy by
spending your stimulus check wisely:

1. If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, your money will go to
China.
2. If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to Saudi Arabia .
3. If you purchase a computer, it will go to India .
4. If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras or
Guatemala ..
5. If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
6. If you purchase useless plastic stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
7. If you pay off your credit cards, or buy stock, it will go to pay
management bonuses and be hidden in offshore accounts.

Or, you can keep the money in Canada by:

1. spending it at yard sales or flea markets, or
2. going to baseball or football games, or
3. hiring prostitutes, or
4. buying cheap beer or
5. getting tattoos.

These are the only wholly-owned businesses still operating in Canada.

Conclusion:

The best way to stimulate the economy is to go to a ball game with a
prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day until you're
drunk enough to go get tattooed.


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                                 The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving
together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment.

She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft,
sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute,
cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!It
was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and
she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into
organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears
covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large
collection of Teddy Bears, She is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she
finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips

He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, ore creativity,
more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
hey are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,

'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her, trokes her cheek, ooks deeply into her eyes,
and says:

'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.'


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From Whizzbang

                                         Amazing ...

Don't miss this amazing Video Clip . . first read it properly..

This video shows the winner of "Ukraine's Got Talent", Kseniya Simonova,
24, drawing a series of pictures on an illuminated sand table showing how
ordinary people were affected by the German invasion during World War II.
Her talent, which admittedly is a strange one, is mesmeric to watch.

The images, projected onto a large screen, moved many in the audience to
tears and she won the top prize of about $130,000.00

She begins by creating a scene showing a couple sitting holding hands on a
bench under a starry sky, but then warplanes appear and the happy scene is
obliterated.

It is replaced by a woman's face crying, but then a baby arrives and the
woman smiles again. Once again war returns and Miss Simonova throws the
sand into chaos from which a young woman's face appears.

She quickly becomes an old widow, her face wrinkled and sad, before the
image turns into a monument to an Unknown Soldier.

This outdoor scene becomes framed by a window as if the viewer is looking
out on the monument from within a house.

In the final scene, a mother and child appear inside and a man standing
outside, with his hands pressed against the glass, saying goodbye.

The Great Patriotic War, as it is called in Ukraine, resulted in one in
four of the population being killed with eight to 11 million deaths out of
a population of 42 million.

Kseniya Simonova says: "I find it difficult enough to create art using
paper and pencils or paintbrushes, but using sand and fingers is beyond
me. The art, especially when the war is used as the subject matter, even
brings some audience members to tears. And there's surely no bigger
compliment."

Please take time out to see this amazing piece of art.

click on the link below -
 Click here


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A quickie from Trina

                                   Paddy's Password

During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT at the Bank of Ireland it was found that
Paddy O'Toole was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin

When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password: he replied ''Bejazus!
are yez feckin' stupid? Shore Oi was told me password had to be at least 8
characters long and include one capital''

Don't ever think you can outwit the Irish!


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From The Duke of B

                                 Blond jokes... groan!

Two blondes living in Oklahoma  were sitting on a bench talking, and one 
blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away.. Florida or
the moon?"  

The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida
?????"  


T-SHIRT  

A blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a T. G. I. F. Tee-shirt.

'Why are you wearing a 'Thank God It's Friday' tee-shirt on Monday?'

'Oh crap!' the blonde says. 'I didn't realize it was a religious t-shirt. I
thought it meant 'Tits Go In Front.''


CAR TROUBLE  

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it
died.  

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.  

She says, "What's the story?"  

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"  

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"  


SPEEDING TICKET  

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he
could see her license. 

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just
yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it
to you!"  


RIVER WALK 

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another
blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the
other side?"  

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,
"You  ARE on the other side."  


AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE 

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her
body hurt wherever she touched it.  

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."  

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then
she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and
screamed;  

likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made
her scream.  

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?  

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."  

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."  


KNITTING 

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
wheel was knitting!  

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the
trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL
OVER!"  

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"  


BLONDE ON THE SUN  

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian
said,
"We were the first in space!"  

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"   

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"  

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. 
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at
night!"  


IN A VACUUM  

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled
the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are
in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"  

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"  


THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!  

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and
asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one
was named Rolex and one was named Timex.   Her friend said, "Whoever heard
of someone naming dogs like that?"  

"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond.  "They're watch dogs!"


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This weeks pics and AV files are from Sack, Whizzbang, Cartographer Chris,
Seasoldier, Damian, Stumpy Steve, Muse, Zalaga, and you know who you are.


Great News for you guys
Great News for you during these financially challenging times!
I found a local prostitute who charges by the inch.
Obviously, I can't afford her, but I thought you might enjoy a cheap night
out.
 Click here

Rare Photos
 Click here

New found respect for Chinese Women....
 Click here

Why Candid Camera was cancelled in Russia after its first  show.
 Click here

A golden oldie collection - from Ritchie
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

TIGERS NEW SPONSOR!
 Click here Click here

The devoted husband....
 Click here

Haha
 Click here

Brilliant
 Click here

2010 [ xxx ]
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Why men don't listen - open easy
 Click here

Don't let common sense get in the way of a good  disaster!!!!
Good news: It was a normal day in Sharon Springs , KS when a Union Pacific
crew boarded a loaded coal train for the long trek to Salina .
The Bad news: Just a few miles into the trip a wheel bearing became
overheated and melted, letting a metal support drop down and grind on the
rail, creating white hot molten metal droppings spewing down to the rail.
The Good news: A very alert crew noticed smoke about halfway back in the
train and immediately stopped the train in compliance with the rules.
The Bad news: The train stopped with the hot wheel over a wooden bridge
with creosote ties and trusses.
The crew tried to explain to higher-ups but were instructed not to move the
train!
They were instructed "The Rules" prohibit moving the train when a part is
defective!
  RULES IS RULES!
  (Don't let common sense get in the way of a good disaster!)
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Bubbles... XXX
 Click here

You gotta love these kids...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Too much Nipple?  [ Warning - FH is an equal oppurtunity publication! ]
 Click here

'Taps'
 Click here

Coming to an airport near you
 Click here

2010 Hooters Calendar
 Click here

Is the drag a bit tight?
 Click here

Pool Hustler!!
 Click here

Icy roads
 Click here


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From Sack

                HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work
boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo
Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

"Bubba,

Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour.
Don't mess with the pit bulls- they attacked the mailman this morning and
messed him up bad... I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to
tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.

Better wait outside. Be right back.

Cooter"


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A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. . . . .

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman:" Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home
drunk he beats me to a pulp...."

Doctor:"I have a real good medicine against that: When your husband comes
home drunk, just take a cup of chamomile tea and start gargling with it.
Just gargle and gargle".

Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh
again.

Woman: "Doc, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home
drunk I gargled repeatedly with chamomile tea and he never touched me.

Doctor:  "you see how keeping your mouth shut helps."


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                        To make it stand, You wet it !

To make it wet, You suck it !

To make it stiff, You lick it !

To get it in, You push it!

Damn !!!!!!!

Threading a needle when you're older is a BITCH!


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A group of children were trying very hard to become accustomed to Nursery.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby
talk!

'You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend?

'I went to visit my Nana.'

'No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!'

She then asked Mitchell what he had done

'I took a ride on a choo-choo.'

She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big
People' words.'

She then asked little Alex what he had done?

'I read a book,' he replied.

That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said.

'What book did you read?'

Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great
pride,
and said....... 'Winnie the SHIT.'


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From Stumpy Steve

                               "Political Correctness."

"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical
minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which
holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a t*rd
by the clean end. "


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     THE DIARY OF AN ENGLISHMAN LIVING IN THE HIGHLANDS

"Our First Winter"

DEC 20th  It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first
we've seen for years. The wife and I took out our hot toddies and sat on
the porch watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down clinging to
the trees and covering the ground. It's so beautiful and peaceful.

DEC 24th We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow
covering as far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree
and bush covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the
first time ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and the pavement.
Later that day a snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our
driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved.
I waved back and shovelled it away again. The children next door built a
snowman with coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose, and had a snowball
fight, a couple just missed me and hit the car so I threw a couple back
and joined in their fun.

DEC 26th It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature
dropped toaround minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and bushes
snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled the driveway again.
Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again. Much of
the snow is now a brownish - grey.

JAN 1st Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon
became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both
our cars. Fell on my ar*e in the driveway. Went to a physio but nothing
was broken. JAN 5th

Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought her a 4x4 to get her to work.
She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right wing. Had
another 8 inches of white sh*te last night. Both vehicles are covered in
salt and iced up slush That bastard snowplough came by twice today.
Where's that bloody shovel.

JAN 9th More f*cking snow. Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn't
been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing
to death with candles and a paraffin heater which tipped over and nearly
torched the house. I managed to put the flames out but suffered 2nd degree
burns on my hands. Lost all my eyebrows and eyelashes. Car hit a f*cking
deer on the way to casualty and car was written off.

JAN 13th Fucking bastard white sh*te just keeps on coming down. Have to put
on every article of clothing just to go to the post box. The little c*nts
next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back - I'll shove that
carrot so far up the little bastard's ar*e it'll take a good surgeon hours
to find it. If I ever catch the c*nt that drives the snowplough I'll chew
open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the bastard
hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he
accelerates down the street like Michael Schuf*ckingmacher and buries the
f*cking driveway again.

JAN 17th Sixteen more f*cking inches of f*cking snow and f*cking ice and
f*cking sleet and god knows what other white sh*te fell last night. I am
in court in 3 months time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an
ice-pick. Can' t move my f*cking toes. Haven't seen the sun for 5 weeks.
Minus 20 and more f*cking snow forecast.

JAN 18th FUCK THIS, I'M MOVING BACK TO LONDON


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                                        The Pub

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a pub
when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the
bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit

Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the
better of Dave and he makes for the toilet.

On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.

Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.

Dave: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering
what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession

Dave: - Oh? What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Dave: - Er ... mmm ..... well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond.
Which is it?

Dave: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a
large garden then you have a large house?

Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house .... built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to
assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite
probably married? And with a family?

Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are s*xually active with
your wife on a regular basis?

Dave: - Yep! Five times a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very
often?

Dave: - Do what? Not me, mate!

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Dave: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about
your s*x life!

Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive.. Thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.

Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Stuart: - What's that then?

Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Stuart: - Nope

Dave: - Well then, you're a w@nker


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Quote of the Week:

                                 Sex before marriage?

  "I would say it is the greatest gift that you can give someone, the
   ultimate gift of giving and don't give it to someone lightly that is
what
   I would say."


                                           Liberal Party Leader - Tony
Abbott


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[ End friday humour ]

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