Friday humour - January 22, 2010

Well it seems most of you are back from where ever it is you migrate to
each summer. It seems you may have sat around in good company gathering
jokes & fun as you sunned your selves.

So lets get on with it........


From: 4M
  Subject: Human beings are the only animals that stutter
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
  little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she
volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.
Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it,
he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went
'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... And before he could say 'f**k' , the Rottweiler
ate him!"
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  Subject: More on Walmart
    Jennifer, a manager at Wal-Mart, had the task of   hiring someone to
fill a job opening. After sorting through a   stack of 20 resumes she
found four people who were equally   qualified. Jennifer  decided to call
the four in and ask   them only one question. Their answer would determine
which of   them would get the job.


  The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table,
Jennifer asked,   'What is the fastest thing you know of?'     The first
man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no
warning.   'That's very good!' replied Jennifer.  'And, now you sir?',
she asked the second man.  'Hmmm....let me see 'A blink! It  comes and goes
and you don't know that it ever   happened.. A BLINK is the   fastest thing
I know of.'   'Excellent!' said Jennifer.'The blink of an eye, that's a
very popular clich? for speed.'


She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating  his reply..
   'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on   the
wall there's a  light switch.. When you flip that   switch, way out across
the pasture the light on the  barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yip,
TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest  thing I can think of'.


  Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had
found her  man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' she  said.
  Turning to BUBBA,the fourth and final man, Jennifer   posed the same
question.     Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three
answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest   thing known is DIARRHEA.'
  'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response...     'Oh sure', said
BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I  wasn't feeling so good, and I ran   for
the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE
LIGHT, I had already sh*t my  pants.'    BUBBA is now the new greeter at
the Wal-Mart near you!


  You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now
on.


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Now  From: Allnutts
Subject: FW: Clarity of the English Language

Scan down


An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each
other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding they went out to dinner and had a long conversation
regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of
their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about s*x?" he asked, rather tentatively

"I would like it infrequently" she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment ...
adjusted his glasses, and leaned over towards her and whispered


"Excuse me but is that one word or two?"..........


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  From: Anonymous
Subject:  A good depiction of Flight 1549 Sullys landing

THIS IS A GOOD ONE


 Click here


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From: Damian
Subject: Mother of all jokes

MOTHER OF ALL JOKES . . .

Two Middle Eastern mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of
tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping
through photos. And they start reminiscing.

'This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now.'
'Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the other mother cheerfully.
'He's a martyr now though' mum confides. 'Oh, so sad dear' says the other.

And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21'
'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when
he was born'. 'He's a martyr too' says mum quietly.
'Oh, gracious me ...' Says the other.

'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed.
He would be 18, she whispers. 'Yes' says the friend enthusiastically,
'I remember when he first started school' 'He's a martyr also,' says mum,
with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at
the photographs and says...
'They blow up so fast, don't they?'


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+++ Time: 20100116004802
+++ From: Damian +++ Subject: FW: Praise for answered prayers +++ Possible
duplicate text in FH issue 20081010 - 211 words beginning:
    the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to ...
+++ Content:

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise
for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, 'I have a Praise. Two
months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum
was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't
know if they could help him.' You could hear an audible gasp from the men
in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.'

Pat continued, 'Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move
caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate
operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's
scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.'

Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined
the horrible surgery performed on Jim. She continued, 'Now, Jim is out of
the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover
completely.'

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if
any one else had anything to say. A man rose and walked slowly to the
podium. He said, 'I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, the word is
sternum.'


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From: Davo
Subject: Letter of Recommendation - Clever!


LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION


Trevor Adams, my assistant programmer, can always be found

hard at work in his cubicle. Trevor works independently, without

wasting company time talking to colleagues. Trevor never

thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always

finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended

measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee

breaks. Trevor is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no

vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound

knowledge in his field.. I firmly believe that Trevor can be

classed as a high-calibre employee, the type that cannot be

dispensed with. Consequently, I truly recommend that Trevor be

promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be

executed as soon as possible.


Addendum......

The idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote this report.

Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.


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  From: Diks
Subject: 2010 Golf Terms

A 'Rock Hudson'?- a putt that looked straight, but wasn't.

A 'Saddam Hussein'?- from one bunker into another.

A 'Yasser Arafat'?- butt ugly and in the sand.

A 'John Ken nedy Jr.'?- didn't quite make it over the water.

A 'Rodney King'?- over-clubbed.

An 'O.J.'- got away with one.

A 'Princess Grace'?- should have used a driver.

A 'Princess Di'?- shouldn't have used the driver.

A 'Condom'?- safe, but didn't feel very good.

A 'Brazilian'?- shaved the hole.

A 'Rush Limbaugh'?- a little to the right.

A 'Nancy Pelosi'?- Way to the left and out of bounds.

A 'James Joyce'?- a putt that's impossible to read.

A 'Ted Ken nedy'?- goes in the water and jumps out.

A 'Pee Wee Herman'?- too much wrist.

A 'Sonny Bono'?- straight into the trees.

A 'Paris Hilton'?- a very expensive hole.


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  Subject: What a DEAL!

Red tag sale: NASA cuts space shuttle price
Want a shuttle? They're now $28.9 million apiece, down from $42 million
 Space shuttle Atlantis, shown here as it prepares to touch down at the
Kennedy Space Center on Nov. 27, 2009, will be for sale once it quits
flying.
?View related photos
Craig Bailey / AP
By Marcia Dunn updated 5:31 p.m. ET, Fri., Jan. 15, 2010
CAPE CANAVERAL, Florida - Here's a recession bargain: the space shuttle.
NASA has slashed the price of these 1970s era spaceships from $42 million
to $28.8 million apiece.
The shuttles are for sale once they quit flying, supposedly this fall.
When the Natonial Aeronautics and Space Administration put out the call to
museums, schools and others in December 2008, seeking buyers,
about 20 expressed interest. NASA spokesman Mike Curie expects more
interest, especially with the discount.

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Indigo Flow sent in this one:

in wake of the attempted xmas bombing of a plane.

Frank Sinatra - Strangers On My flight

 Click here


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  From: Kaos_reflex
Subject: What are you thinking?

Husband: Oh, come on.
?
Wife: Leave me alone!
?
Husband: It won't take long.
?
Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
?
Husband: I can't sleep without it.
?
Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
?
Husband: Because I'm Hot.
?
Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.
?
Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
?
Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
?
Husband: You don't love me anymore.
?
Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
?
Husband: Please....come on ?
Wife: Alright, I'll do it.
?
Husband: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
?
Wife: I can't find it.
?
Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
?
Wife: There! Are you satisfied?
?
Husband: Oh, yes.
?
Wife: Is it up far enough?
?
Husband: Oh, that's good.
?
Wife: Now go to sleep, and from now on when you want the window open,
do it yourself. Don't ask me.


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  Subject: Great laugh
Worth looking at, I laughed & laughed, brilliant!
?
 Click here


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Subject: 10 useful insults for women

10 useful insults for women:
1.? She's seen more helmets than Hitler;
2.? Got a fanny like a badly packed kebab;
3.? Face is like a painters radio;
4.? Her fanny's like a hippo's yawn;
5.? Been shot over more times than Baghdad;
6.? Handled more balls than Adam Gilchrist;
7.? Got p*ss flaps like a gutted trout;
8.? Seen more stiffs than Quincy MD;
9.? Been c*cked more times than John Wayne's shotgun; AND
10. Even the tide wouldn't take her out.

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  From: New Forest Robin
Who writes;
Dear Friday humour. I am a big fan from the UK sorry if this has been
posted before


Regards

Robin


The latest War on Terror update

________________________________

In light of the situation ................

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats
and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or
even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the
blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been
re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the
British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when
threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pxxxed Off" to "Let's get the
Bastewards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have
been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror
alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are
"Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire
that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the
country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a
heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from
"Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more
levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to
"Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher
levels: "Invade a neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy
can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out preemptive strikes, on
all of their allies, just in case.

And in the southern hemisphere...

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baa" to
"BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a
squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy
boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of
escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to
"She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!',
"I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is
cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final
escalation level.


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  From: Nottingham Smithie
  Subject: Tom Sutcliffe quote - Tom Sutcliffe was born in Yorkshire in
1956, that figures!

It's a little surprising to find that there have been objections to the
proposed X-Ray specs security scanners on grounds of "privacy" - given
that one's privacy would be gravely and terminally affected if someone
actually managed to get on board an aircraft with fully functioning
explosive underpants.

Personally you can peer up my backside with a miner's lamp if that
indignity can be traded for a reasonable guarantee that I and my fellow
humiliates won't hit the ground before our scheduled arrival


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  Subject: the young blonde

"A young girl boards Flight BA3345 from Heathrow to New York and finds a
seat in 1st class. As the Stewardesses check all the passengers, one
Stewardess asks the young girl for her ticket. The young girl hands over
her ticket, to which the Stewardess replied: "I'm sorry, but you are sat
in the wrong seat" in a helpful manner.

"I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a
Supermodel and marry a millionaire!" replied the young girl. The Stewardess
was surprised at the young girl's answer, so she decided to call the Senior
Steward. The Senior Steward decided that nobody was getting a free upgrade
to first, so she also informed the young girl that she had sat in the
wrong seat and was to sit in economy at the rear. "I'm young, blonde and
beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a Supermodel and marry a
millionaire!" replied the young girl in a firmer tone.

The Senior Steward thought that this might be a job for the Co-pilot, so
she asked the Co-pilot to try to resolve this matter. Therefore, the
Co-pilot decided to have a go to see if he could move the young girl.
"Excuse me
Miss, but you're sat in the wrong seat" said the Co-pilot. "I'm young,
blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a Supermodel and
marry a millionaire!" replied the young girl. "I'm sorry Miss, but if you
don't move to your proper seat, I'll have to ask you to leave the
aircraft" replied the Co-pilot. "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm
going to New
York to be a Supermodel and marry a millionaire!" replied the young girl.
Being new to this game, the Co-pilot decided to consult the Captain.

"Let me sort her out" said the Captain. The Captain then approached the
young girl and whispered in her ear. As the Captain returned to the Flight
deck, the young girl got out of the seat and proceeded down the aircraft
towards her proper seat. "Cor, what did you say to her?" asked the
Co-pilot.
To which the Captain replied:  "I told her 1st class wasn't going to New
York".


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  From: Sack
  Subject: Taxi fare

One rainy spring night in Dublin, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from
the shadows of an alley.
   Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb,  a figure leaped into the
cab and slammed the door.
    Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see
a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
  '"Where  to?" he stammered. "Vale Road, "answered the  woman",
 "OK," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
   The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are
you looking at?'"  "Well lady, replied the driver, I noticed that you're
completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your  fare."
 The woman spread her  legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at
the driver and said, "Does THIS answer your question?"
  Still looking in the  mirror, the cabbie asked,  "Got anything smaller?"


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  From: Sack
Subject: retirement - A child view

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their
holiday away from school.
One child wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to
live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to The
Villages, in Florida. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted
green to look like grass.. They ride around on their bicycles and wear
name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it
fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't
do them very well..
There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats
on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it.
He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out,
and go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.
And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds. Some of the
people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get
out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and
says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my
retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people
out, so they can visit their grandchildren.


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  From: Sack
Subject: Lions

Two guys are drinking in a bar.
One says, "Did you know that Lions have s*x 10 to 15 times a night?"
"BUGGER !" says his friend. "And I just joined Rotary....."

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  From: Sack
Subject: Palin

 Andy Borowitz
Fox: Palin's Appearances to be Simulcast in English: Millions to
 Understand Governor for First Time  NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) - One
day after announcing that she would be a commentator on the Fox News
Channel, the network revealed that former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin's
appearances would be simulcast in  English.
 "We are delighted that Gov. Palin will, for the first time, be
understandable to the English-speaking audience," said Fox News chief
Roger Ailes.  "This should create a whole new fan base for her."
 Gov. Palin praised the decision, adding, "I know many Americans will be
interested in understanding what I have to say and I will also too."
 In a related story, Fox said it had "no interest" in hiring funnyman
Conan O'Brien, explaining, "Sarah Palin takes care of our comedy needs."

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  From: Sack
  Subject: Celibacy

What is Celibacy?
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circ*mstances.
While  attending  a Marriage Weekend, Ken and his wife Janet listened to
the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the
things that are important to each other."  He then addressed the men,
"Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?"
Ken  leaned  over, touched Janet's arm gently, and whispered, "Robin
Hood All-Purpose, isn't it?"
And thus began Ken's life of celibacy


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  From: Sack
  Subject: Geography

 THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
 Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild,
fertile and naturally beautiful!
 Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe, well developed and open to
trade, especially for someone with cash.
 Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced
of her own beauty.
 Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm
and desirable place to visit.
 Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all
conquering past.
 Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war and
doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.
 Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving but open to
meeting new people.
 After 70, she becomes Tibet, wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and
the wisdom of the ages...only those with an adventurous spirit and a
thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.
 THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN  Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran, ruled by
nuts....

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  From: Whizzbang
Subject: Onions: Very Interesting:

Very Interesting, don't delete it till you read it


Very Important Subject....especially for those who love to cook and eat
ONIONS!!!!!!

ONION

In 1919 when the flu killed 40  million people there was this Doctor that
visited the many  farmers to see if he could help them combat the flu.
Many of the farmers and their family had contracted it and  many died.
The doctor came upon this one farmer and to his surprise,  everyone was
very healthy.  When the doctor asked what  the farmer was doing that was
different the wife replied  that she had placed an unpeeled onion in a
dish in the rooms  of the home, (probably only two rooms back then).  The 
doctor couldn't believe it and asked if he could have one of  the onions
and place it under the microscope.  She gave  him one and when he did
this, he did find the flu virus in  the onion.  It obviously absorbed the
bacteria,
therefore, keeping the family healthy.

Now, I heard this story from my hairdresser in AZ.   She said that several
years ago many of her employees were  coming down with the flu and so were
many of her  customers. The next year she placed several bowls with  onions
around in her shop. To her surprise, none of  her staff got sick. It must
work..  (And no, she  is not in the onion business.)
The moral of the story is, buy some onions and place them in bowls around
your home. If you work at a desk,  place one or two in your office or
under your desk or even  on top somewhere.  Try it and see what  happens. 
We did it last year and we never  got the flu.
If this helps you and your loved ones from getting sick, all the better. 
If you do get the flu, it just might  be a mild case..
Whatever, what have you to lose?  Just a few bucks on onions!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now there is a P. S. to this for I sent it to a friend in  Oregon who
regularly contributes material to me on health issues.  She replied with
this most interesting experience about onions:

Weldon,thanks for the reminder. I don't know about the farmers story...but,
I do know that I contacted pneumonia and needless to say I was very ill...I
came across an article that said to cut both ends off an onion put one end
on a fork and then place the forked end into an empty jar...placing the
jar next to the sick patient at night. It said the onion would be black in
the morning from the germs...sure enough it happened just like that...the
onion was a mess and I began to feel better.

Another thing I read in the article was that onions and garlic placed
around the room saved many from the black plague years ago. They have
powerful antibacterial, antiseptic properties.

This is the other note.

LEFT OVER ONIONS ARE POISONOUS

I  have used an onion which has been left in the fridge, and sometimes I
don't use a whole one at one time, so save the other half for later.

Now with this info, I have changed my mind....will buy smaller onions in
the future.

I had the wonderful privilege of touring Mullins Food Products, Makers of
mayonnaise.  Mullins is huge, and is owned by 11 brothers and sisters in
the Mullins family.  My friend, Jeanne, is the CEO.

Questions about food poisoning came up, and I wanted to share what I
learned from a chemist.

The guy who gave us our tour is named Ed. He's one of the brothers Ed is a
chemistry expert and is involved in developing most of the sauce formula.
He's even developed sauce formula for McDonald's.

Keep in mind that Ed is a food chemistry whiz. During the tour, someone
asked if we really needed to worry about mayonnaise. People are always
worried that mayonnaise will spoil. Ed's answer will surprise you. Ed said
that all commercially- made Mayo is completely safe.

"It doesn't even have to be refrigerated. No harm in refrigerating it, but
it's not really necessary." He explained that the pH in mayonnaise is set
at a point that bacteria could not survive in that environment. He then
talked about the quaint essential picnic, with the bowl of potato salad
sitting on the table and how everyone blames the mayonnaise when someone
gets sick.

Ed says that when food poisoning is reported, the first thing the officials
look for is when the 'victim' last ate ONIONS and where those onions came
from (in the potato salad?). Ed says it's not the mayonnaise (as long as
it's not homemade Mayo) that spoils in the outdoors. It's probably the
onions, and if not the onions, it's the POTATOES.

He explained, onions are a huge magnet for bacteria, especially uncooked
onions. You should never plan to keep a portion of a sliced onion.. He
says it's not even safe if you put it in a zip-lock bag and put it in your
refrigerator.

It's already contaminated enough just by being cut open and out for a bit,
that it can be a danger to you (and doubly watch out for those onions you
put in your hotdogs at the baseball park!)

Ed says if you take the leftover onion and cook it like crazy you'll
probably be okay, but if you slice that leftover onion and put on your
sandwich, you're asking for trouble. Both the onions and the moist potato
in a potato salad, will attract and grow bacteria faster than any
commercial mayonnaise will even begin to break down.

So, how's that for news? Take it for what you will. I (the author) am going
to be very careful about my onions from now on. For some reason, I see a
lot of credibility coming from a chemist and a company that produces
millions of pounds of mayonnaise every year.'

Also, dogs should never eat onions. Their stomachs cannot metabolize onions
.Please remember it is dangerous to cut onions and try to use it to cook
the next day ,it becomes highly poisonous for even a single night and
creates
Toxic bacteria which may cause Adverse Stomach infections because of excess
Bile secretions and even Food poisoning.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

  Subject:  The Battle  with a Little Cub Bear!!  A MUST View!


The Battle with a Little Cub Bear!! A MUST View!

Brilliant


How on earth did they film this one


Click here


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Subject: Medical condition.

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first
Class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a
Tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to
Fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman
Sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered
Violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still
Curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the
Woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her
Nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman
And said,

'I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times,
Wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?'

'I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical
Condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.'

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. 'I have
Never heard of that condition before' he said. 'Are you taking
Anything for it?'

The woman nodded, 'Pepper.'


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: 4M
  Subject: Not quite Kenny :
Click here

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Subject: Pencils

Click here


Sure wasn't like this when I went to school!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


From: Allnutts
  Subject:: Giggles and Grins

Click here
Click here
Click here


Coming to an airport near YOU!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Subject: FW: 2010 Golf Song...

  Click here


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  Subject: FW: Bad-bad dog...

Click here
Click here
Click here
Click here


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From: Anonymous
Subject:  Proof of global warming

Click here


-
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Subject: Stockholm Underground's Subway.

Click here

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  From: Anonymous
Subject: Fwd: Maxine on the economy...

Click here
Click here
Click here
Click here
Click here
Click here
Click here
Click here
Click here
Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


  From: Biggus
  Subject: Body Guard Auditions
File links:
Click here

Not sure about these guys!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


  From: Damian
Subject: Winter in Norway

Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


  Subject: Unfortunate Saddle Colour Choice....

Click here


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  Subject: Little Boy Lost...

Click here

... your help is appreciated, finding his Mum or Dad


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  Subject: USS Montana

Click here


._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


  Subject: How to instantly fail a breathalyser test!

Click here


_._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


  Subject: Cookie Love Story

Click here


_._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


  Subject: William Tell - hours of fun

Click here


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  From: Diks
Subject: I need a favor

Click here


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From: Muse
  Subject:  NEW AIRPORT SCANNER

Click here

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  From: New Forest Robin
  Subject: A ray of light in a dark and dangerous time...

Click here


Archibald Clark Kerr, 1st Baron Inverchapel


Archibald Clerk Kerr, 1st Baron Inverchapel PC
 target=_blank>Click here
(March 17, 1882 in Australia   target=_blank>Click here -

July 5, 1951) was a British diplomat.


An Australian  target=_blank>Click here -born Scot

 target=_blank>Click here , Clerk Kerr entered the

Foreign Service   target=_blank>Click here in 1906.

He served as Ambassador to China during the Japanese occupation of the late
1930s. From 1935 to 1938, he served as Ambassador to the Kingdom of
Iraq  target=_blank>Click here .


Clark Kerr is best remembered in the public imagination for a much
reproduced note he is said to have written in 1943 to Lord Pembroke
 target=_blank>Click here
while Ambassador to Moscow.[1]
Click here
l#cite_note-0%23cite_note-0>

"My Dear Reggie,

In these dark days man tends to look for little shafts of light that spill
from Heaven. My days are probably darker than yours, and I need,
my God I do, all the light I can get. But I am a decent fellow, and I do
not want to be mean and selfish about what little brightness is shed upon
me from time to time. So I propose to share with you a tiny flash that has
illuminated my sombre life and tell you that God has given me a new Turkish
colleague whose card tells me that he is called Mustapha
Kunt.

We all feel like that, Reggie, now and then, especially when Spring is upon
us, but few of us would care to put it on our cards. It takes a
Turk to do that.

Sir Archibald Clerk Kerr

H.M. Ambassador"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


  From: Nottingham Smithie
  Subject:  How true

  Click here


                         SING A SONG OF PARLIAMENT


                        SING A SONG OF PARLIAMENT,
                        POCKETS FULL OF CASH.
                        FRAUDULENTLY CLAIMING,
                        AND ADDING TO THEIR STASH.
                        WITH THEIR PLOY DISCOVERED,
                        THEY SAID THEY'LL GIVE IT BACK.
                        IF YOU OR I HAD DONE THE SAME,
                        WE'D PROMPTLY GET THE SACK.

                        SING A SONG OF FREEBIES,
                        SNOUTS ALL IN THE TROUGH.
                        GIVING BACK THEIR ILL-GOT GAINS,
                        IS JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
                        SPONGING OFF OUR EARNINGS,
                        WITH A LIKELY TALE.
                        IF WORKING FOLK HAD DONE THE SAME,
                        THEY'D SOON END UP IN JAIL.

                        SING A SONG OF FRAUDSTERS,
                        COUNTING OUT THEIR MONEY.
                        THEY SMILE AND LOOK QUITE UNASHAMED,
                        AS THOUGH THEY THINK IT'S FUNNY.
                        SITTNG IN A SECRET PLACE,
                        COUNTING OUT THEIR DOSH.
                        ON PLUGS FOR BATHS AND CLEANING MOATS,
                        FOR CRISPS AND ORANGE SQUASH.

                        SING A SONG OF MP's,
                        WHO TOOK US FOR A RIDE..
                        IT'S UP TO US AT ELECTION TIME,
                        THEIR FUTURE TO DECIDE.
                        IT'S GONE TOO FAR TO BRING BACK TRUST,
                        OF ANYONE IN POWER.
                        TO MOST OF US THEY'LL ALWAYS BE                    
    A REALLY GREAT BIG SHOWER.
                         (AND A BUNCH OF CROOKS).


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


  From: Nottingham Smithie
  Subject:  littoral combat ship

Click here
Click here
Click here
Click here
Click here
Click here
Click here
Click here
Click here
Click here
Click here
Click here
+++ Content:
littoral combat ship


                        Here are  some recent photos of the LCS 2 (to be
USS) Independence .  She's at 43 knots here running at half power. 
NOTE the absence of a bow wave.


                        Turns tightly, also; allegedly this also was done
at 43 knots...and from the look of the small bow wave, she's still in the
turn.

                        And then we have the massive helo deck big enough
for a CH-53.  Last time I talked with the SURFPAC guys years ago. THIS was
the LCS they liked because of the huge storage capacity under that flight
deck and the size of the flight deck.


                        Note that there is very little spreading wake.
In fact, it does not look like a wake at all, just foamy water from the
water jets.  Somehow, at 40 knots, you'd think there'd be more wake.


                        But she has one drawback, she's strange looking but
aerodynamically designed, is this beginning of a new design in ships?


                        Here's a Look at The U.S. Navy's New Pirate
Catchers!


                        WOW! A couple of these should be able to clean up
the pirates off the coasts of Africa .....

                        This is the U.S.S. Independence (LCS-2)

                        It is a Triple Hulled, Weapon-Laden Monster..

                        Here it is under construction....


                        There have been rumors about the U.S. Navy's speedy
new triple hulled ships, but now they're for real.

                        The U.S.S  Independence was built by General
Dynamics. It's called a "littoral combat ship" (LCS), and the tri-maran can
move its weapons around faster than any other ship in the Navy. (Ironic
that with all that high tech built in, the ship reminds us of the Merrimac
ironclad from Civil War days.)

                        Littoral means close to shore, and that's where
these very ships will operate.  They're tailor-made for launching
helicopters and armored vehicles, sweeping mines and firing all manner of
torpedoes, missiles and machine guns.


                        These ships are also relatively inexpensive. 
This one's a bargain at $208 million, and the Navy plans to build 55 of
them.

                        This tri-maran is the first of a new fire breathing
breed, ready to scoot out of dry dock at a rumored 60 knots.. It's like a
speedy and heavily armed aircraft carrier for helicopters.

                        Pirates Beware!!!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

   Subject: aftershock

Click here

I have a certain empathy with the people of Haiti at the moment, the last
time I had twenty five aftershocks I couldn't find my house either.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


  From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject:  check your eyes

Click here
Click here
Click here
Click here
Click here
Click here
 

                      Takes good eyes and concentration!!!!!!!!


                                Check This Out!!!


                                WEIRD WALKING COW.....
                                Warning: Do not view while drinking.


                                CAN YOU SEE 10 FACES IN THE TREE


                                THERE'S A FACE IN HERE. CAN YOU SEE IT?


                                CAN YOU SEE THE BABY?


                                CAN YOU SEE THE KISSING COUPLE?


                                CAN YOU SEE THE THREE WOMEN?

                                Can you tell the difference between a horse
and a frog?

                                Watch closely...


   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


  From: Stumpy Steve
  Subject: The Future I want one

  Click here


   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

  From: Stumpy Steve
Subject: HEY! Let's Be Careful Out There.

Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


  From: Stumpy Steve
Subject: Romantic

  Click here


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  From: The Great Gussius
  Subject: You have been warned!

Click here
Click here
Click here

WHAT IS WORSE THAN A TERRORIST ATTACK?
What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?


A crazy bitch who will find you.


----- End forwarded message -----


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


  From: Whizzbang
  Subject: A new model Harley

Click here
Click here
Click here
Click here
Click here
Click here
Click here
Click here
Click here
Click here
Click here
Click here
Click here
Click here
Click here
Click here
Click here
Click here
Click here
Click here
Click here

     This is the way to go!


                  Harley - Adding That Special Touch

Forget Limousines.


Forget Horse & Buggy.


"The Bridal Carriage" is the only grand entrance you will ever need.


A unique, special and luxurious way to travel on the most magical day of
your life!

BE SURE TO GO ALL THE WAY TO THE BOTTOM......


   target=_blank>Click here


Source:

 Click here


Tombstone Hear*e and Trike Company


420 E Pitt Street

Bedford, PA

15522


While Tombstone Hear*e Company initially conceived the units as an
alternative transportation vehicle that would cater to the families and
loved ones of the over 11 million motorcycle enthusiasts, we are excited
to find that funeral directors state that a large percentage of clients
using the motorcycle hear*e have never even ridden a motorcycle.


Expanding on this base, Tombstone Hear*e Co. has become a prime choice for
many Military and Police funerals and surprisingly even grandmothers due
to the dignity and honor the hear*es provide.


 From our conception we at the Tombstone Hear*e Company have prided
ourselves on the quality and features of our coaches. From our first
prototype to the era of the Series III coach we have ensured the
reliability, safety, and style of our coaches are of the highest standards
second to none.


With the Series III Coach, we have surpassed our previously set standards.
Now with a uniform black and chrome style the coach flows as one cohesive
unit bringing out the quality accents that only Tombstone Hear*e Co. can
provide. From the laminated deck floor with cut mohair trim to the crushed
velour curtains that line the decoratively etched safety glass windows, the
Series III is not only a coach, it's a show unit truly worthy of the great
men and women who have traveled to their final destination within.


At Tombstone Hear*e, we admit our units may be more expensive than the
others, but you are paying for both the hear*e and the trike as a unit of
high quality craftsmanship, but most importantly a safe, reliable,
dignifying product.


It is the most recognized vehicle in the death care industry, making the
Tombstone Hear*e a great marketing tool which will stand the test of time.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


  Subject:  Night vision In Iraq

Click here


I hope the Donkey was female!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


  From: Whizzbang
  Subject:  Watch out for this bloke.

Click here
  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

  Subject:  The bruddas

Click here


Coming to a neighbourhood near you.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

  From: Whizzbang
  Subject: Some stretches to help you loosen up

Click here

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That's it for this week guys ? keep the funnies rolling in........



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[ End friday humour ]

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