Friday humour - January 15, 2010

not such a bumper crop this week I'm afraid - partly due to so many
previous entries but also fewer in quantity, normal service will be
resumed as soon as possible as the hangovers subside - Nottingham Smithie

Dennis was down at the local police station wanting to talk to the burglar
who'd broken in his house the night before.

The desk sergeant was adamant. "No. You'll get your chance in court, sir."

"No, no, you don't understand," Dennis said. "I want to know how the hell
he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that
for years!"

============================================

"I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but I went in
the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance. She leaned over and
pushed me!"
~Unknown

"We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial
flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons."
~ Alfred E. Neuman

"Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects."
~ Will Rogers

=========================================

Oh Really?

One day I was reading a newspaper. On page two was a picture of a famous
politician and his gorgeous wife.

Slightly jealous of the politician, I turned to my wife and said, "It's
unfair that the biggest jerks in the world catch the most beautiful
wives."

My wife smiled and replied, "Why, thank you dear."


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From: Sack

 NEVER CHEAT ON A SOUTHERN WOMAN!

  A Southern wife came home just in time to find
  her husband in bed with another woman.
  With super-human strength, born of fury, and
  cutting firewood power, she dragged him by the
  Willy down the stairs, out the backdoor, and
  into the tool shed out back of the barn.
  She put his hoo-ha in a vice, then secured it
  tightly and removed the handle.
  Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.
  The banged-up cheater was terrified, and
  hollered, Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut
  it off with that rusty saw, are you?
  The wife put the saw in her husband's hand and
  said, Nope. I'm gonna set this old shed
  on fire. You do whatever you want.

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 From: Stumpy Steve

Man's penis removed from pipe

A man who went to casualty with his penis stuck in a steel pipe had to be
cut free by firefighters using a metal grinder.


Medics at Southampton General Hospital could not get the man's penis out of
the stainless steel pipe because the restricted blood flow had caused it to
become aroused.

So they called in Hampshire Fire and Rescue Service.


They turned up with a special equipment unit from St Mary's station in
Southampton and seven firefighters to help in what a spokesman said was a
''delicate operation''.

The firefighters used the four-and-a-half-inch grinder to cut the pipe from
around the man's penis and it took about 30 minutes.

The patient was given an anaesthetic and his penis was left bruised and
swollen but otherwise unharmed.

The anxious man aged about 40 gave hospital staff no explanation about how
the pipe got stuck after he turned up on Tuesday morning.

A Hampshire Fire and Rescue Service spokesman said: ''Initially the crew
did not have the appropriate cutting equipment to free the man.

''It was a very delicate operation that required a very steady hand and the
crew was worried about things getting too hot during the cutting.

''It's certainly an unusual call-out and I'm sure the man won't be getting
into that situation again.''


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 From: Stumpy Steve

Driving conditions here are terrible
Last night I came off the road and hit a Muslim.
It took me 2 fields and a golf course but I got the f*cker

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From: Whizzbang
Coal Driven Power Stations and Carbon Dioxide.

This article says what I've been saying for years in a very concise way.
How do we get our stupid pollies to see this?

This article appeared in the Rockhampton morning Bulletin on 22.12.09.
Although I have never ever met the author I was, after some difficulty,
able to contact him by phone.This is an excellent piece for my friends to
send to their politicians or to anybody who needs to be educated about
Australia's Coal driven power houses.
Terry is now retired and is in excellent health at age 69. Nobody paid him
to write the article which was, (to their credit), published by the local
press.

Terry told me I could distribute his article as I saw fit.


I have sat by for a number of years frustrated at the rubbish being put
forth about carbon dioxide emissions, thermal coal fired power stations
and renewable energy and the ridiculous Emissions Trading Scheme.

Frustration at the lies told (particularly during the election) about
global pollution. Using Power Station cooling towers for an example. The
condensation coming from those cooling towers is as pure as that that
comes out of any kettle.


Frustration about the so called incorrectly named man made 'carbon
emissions' which of course is Carbon Dioxide emissions and what it is
supposedly doing to our planet.

 Frustration about the lies told about renewable energy and the deliberate
distortion of renewable energy and its ability to replace fossil fuel
energy generation. And frustration at the ridiculous carbon credit
programme which is beyond comprehension.

And further frustration at some members of the public who have not got a
clue about thermal Power Stations or Renewable Energy. Quoting ridiculous
figures about something they clearly  have little or no knowledge of.

First coal fired power stations do NOT send 60 to 70% of the energy up the
chimney. The boilers of modern power station are 96% efficient and the
exhaust heat is captured by the economisers and reheaters and heat the air
and water before entering the  boilers.

The very slight amount exiting the stack is moist as in condensation and
CO2. There is virtually no fly ash because this is removed by the
precipitators or bagging plant that are 99.98% efficient. The 4% lost is
heat  through boiler wall convection.

Coal fired Power Stations are highly efficient with very little heat loss
and can generate massive amount of energy for our needs. They can generate
power at efficiency of less than 10,000 b.t.u. per kilowatt and cost wise
that is very low.

The percentage cost of mining and freight is very low. The total cost of
fuel is 8% of total generation cost and does NOT constitute a major
production cost.

As for being laughed out of the country, China is building multitudes of
coal fired power stations because they are the most efficient for bulk
power generation.

We have, like, the USA, coal fired power stations because we HAVE the raw
materials and are VERY fortunate to have them. Believe me no one is
laughing at Australia - exactly the reverse, they are very envious of our
raw materials and independence.

The major percentage of power in Europe and U.K. is nuclear because they
don't have the coal supply for the future.

Yes it would be very nice to have clean, quiet, cheap energy in bulk
supply.
Everyone agrees that it would be ideal. You don't have to be a genius to
work that out. But there is only one problem---It doesn't exist.

Yes - there are wind and solar generators being built all over the world
but they only add a small amount to the overall power demand.

The maximum size wind generator is 3 Megawatts, which can rarely be
attained on a continuous basis because it requires substantial forces of
wind. And for the same reason only generate when there is sufficient wind
to drive them. This of course depends where they are located but usually
they only run for 45% -65% of the time, mostly well below maximum
capacity. They cannot be relied for a 'base load' because they are too
variable. And they certainly could not be used for load control.

 The peak load demand for electricity in Australia is approximately 50,000
Megawatts and only small part of this comes from the Snowy Hydro Electric
System (The ultimate power Generation) because it is only available when
water is there from snow melt or  rain. And yes they can pump it back but
it cost to do that. (Long Story).


Tasmania is very fortunate in that they have mostly hydro electric
generation because of their high amounts of snow and rainfall. They also
have wind generators (located in the roaring forties) but that is only a
small amount of total power generated.

Based on a average generating output of 1.5 megawatts (of unreliable power)
you would require over 33,300 wind generators.

As for solar power generation much research has been done over the decades
and there are two types. Solar thermal generation and Solar Electric
generation but in each case they cannot generate large amounts of
electricity.

Any clean, cheap energy is obviously welcomed but they would NEVER have the
capability of replacing Thermal power generation. So get your heads out of
the clouds, do some basic mathematics and look at the facts not going off
with the fairies (or some would say the extreme greenies.)

We are all greenies in one form or another and care very much about our
planet. The difference is most of us are realistic. Not in some idyllic
utopia where everything can be made perfect by standing around holding a
banner and being a general pain in the backside.

Here are some facts that will show how ridiculous this financial madness
the government is following. Do the simple maths and see for yourselves.

According to the 'believers' the CO2 in air has risen from .034% to .038%
in air over the last 50 years.

To put the percentage of Carbon Dioxide in air in a clearer perspective;

 If you had a room 12 ft x 12 ft x 7 ft or 3.7 mtrs x 3.7 mtrs x 2.1 mtrs,
the area carbon dioxide would occupy in that room would be .25m x .25m x
.17m or  the size of a  large packet of cereal.

Australia emits 1 percent of the world's total carbon Dioxide  and the
government wants to reduce this by twenty percent or reduce emissions by
.2 percent of the world's total CO2 emissions.

What effect will this have on existing CO2 levels?

By their own figures they state the CO2 in air has risen from .034% to
.038% in 50 years.

Assuming this is correct, the world CO2 has increased in 50 years  by .004
percent.

Per year that is .004 divided by 50 = .00008 percent. (Getting confusing
-but stay with me).

Of that because we only contribute 1% our emissions would cause CO2 to rise
.00008 divided by 100 = .0000008 percent.

Of that 1%, we supposedly emit, the governments wants to reduce it by 20%
which is 1/5th of .0000008  = .00000016 percent effect per year they would
have on the world CO2 emissions based on their own figures.

That would equate to a area in the same room, as the size of a small
pin.!!!

For that they have gone crazy with the ridiculous trading schemes, Solar
and roofing installations, Clean coal technology. Renewable energy, etc,
etc.

How ridiculous is that.

The cost to the general public and industry will be enormous. Cripple and
even closing some smaller business.

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From: Whizzbang

Bubba's sister was pregnant and was in a bad car accident, which caused her
to fall into a deep coma.
After nearly six months, she awoke and saw that she was no longer pregnant.
Frantically, she asked the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl.  The babies
are fine.  Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thought to herself, "Oh, no!  Not Bubba; he's an idiot!"
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor answers.

The new mother says, "Wow!  That's a beautiful name, maybe I was wrong
about my brother.  I really like the name "Denise." What's the boy's
name?"

The doctor replies, "Denephew."

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From: Allnutts
 Remember  these beautiful girls....

 Click here

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 From: Anonymous
Flying

In response to a Nigerian Muslim trying to blow up a flight from Amsterdam
to Detroit on Christmas Day, the government will now prohibit
international travelers from going to the bathroom in the last hour before
the plane lands.

Terrorists who plan to bomb planes during the first seven hours of the
eight-hour flight, however, should face no difficulties, provided they
wait until after the complimentary beverage service has been concluded.

How do they know Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab didn't wait until the end of the
flight to try to detonate explosives because he heard the stewardess
announce that the food service was over and seats would have to be placed
in their upright position? I can't finish my snack? This plane is going
down!

Also prohibited in the last hour of international flights will be:
blankets,
pillows, computers and in-flight entertainment. Another triumph in Janet
Napolitano's "Let's stay one step behind the terrorists" policy!

For the past eight years, approximately 2 million Americans a day have been
subjected to humiliating searches at airport security checkpoints, forced
to remove their shoes and jackets, to open their computers, and to remove
all liquids from their carry-on bags, except minuscule amounts in marked
3-ounce containers placed in Ziploc plastic bags -- folding sandwich bags
are verboten -- among other indignities.

This, allegedly, was the price we had to pay for safe airplanes. The one
security precaution the government refused to consider was to require
extra screening for passengers who looked like the last three-dozen
terrorists to attack airplanes.

Since Muslims took down Pan Am Flight 103 over Lockerbie, Scotland, in
1988,
every attack on a commercial airliner has been committed by foreign-born
Muslim men with the same hair color, eye color and skin color. Half of them
have been named Mohammed.

An alien from the planet "Not Politically Correct" would have surveyed the
situation after 9/11 and said: "You are at war with an enemy without
uniforms, without morals, without a country and without a leader -- but
the one advantage you have is they all look alike. ... What? ... What did
I say?"

The only advantage we have in a war with stateless terrorists was ruled out
of order ab initio by political correctness.

And so, despite 5 trillion Americans opening laptops, surrendering lip
gloss and drinking breast milk in airports day after day for the past
eight years,
the government still couldn't stop a Nigerian Muslim from nearly blowing up
a plane over Detroit on Christmas Day.

The "warning signs" exhibited by this particular passenger included the
following:

His name was Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab.

He's Nigerian.

He's a Muslim.

His name was Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab.

He boarded a plane in Lagos, Nigeria.

He paid nearly $3,000 in cash for his ticket.

He had no luggage.

His name was Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab.

Two months ago, his father warned the U.S. that he was a radical Muslim and
possibly dangerous.

If our security procedures can't stop this guy, can't we just dispense with
those procedures altogether? What's the point exactly?

(To be fair, the father's warning might have been taken more seriously if
he had not simultaneously asked for the U.S. Embassy's Social Security
number and bank routing number in order to convey a $28 million
inheritance that was trapped in a Nigerian bank account.)

The warning from Abdulmutallab's father put his son on some list, but not
the "no fly" list. Apparently, it's tougher to get on the "no fly" list
than it was to get into Studio 54 in the '70s. Currently, the only people
on the
"no fly" list" are the Blind Sheik and Sean Penn.

The government is like the drunk looking for his keys under a lamppost.
Someone stops to help, and asks, "Is this where you lost them?" No, the
drunk answers, but the light's better here.

The government refuses to perform the only possibly effective security
check -- search Muslims -- so instead it harasses infinitely compliant
Americans. Will that help avert a terrorist attack? No, but the Americans
don't complain.

The only reason Abdulmutallab didn't succeed in bringing down an airplane
with 278 passengers was that: (1) A brave Dutchman leapt from his seat and
extinguished the smoldering Nigerian; and (2) the Nigerian apparently
didn't have enough detonating fluid to cause a powerful explosion.

In addition to the no blanket, no computer, no bathroom rule, perhaps the
airlines could add this to their preflight announcement about seat belts
and emergency exits: "Should a passenger sitting near you attempt to
detonate an explosive device, you may be called upon to render emergency
assistance.
Would you be willing to do so under those circ*mstances? If not we will
assign you another seat ..."

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From: Anonymous
 "Remember" the BOOGIE WOOGIE?

This is a pianist from Switzerland who plays some of the best Boogie Woogie
anywhere. He is so BIG over there, they hold a week-long Boogie Woogie
contest every year and all  the best players in the world are invited.

In this video he is joined by 2 amazing dancers. Turn up the volume, watch
and give it a listen! If you experience any trouble tapping your foot to
the beat, you had better hurry and schedule an appointment with your
physician.

FOR THOSE WHO REMEMBER, HERE IS HOW TO DO THE BOOGIE WOOGIE

(Why is so much energy wasted on the youth when I need some of it?)

 Click here


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 From: Anonymous
BIRTH OF A CANDY BAR!!!
 Click here

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 From: Anonymous
 Top 11 Most Expensive Car Wrecks!

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Cartographer Chris
Why dogs bite people

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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 From: Kaos_reflex
Tigershark off W.A Coast...
 Click here

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From: Muse
One Cent Beer
 Click here

(this may be an oldie but still funny)

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From: Nottingham Smithie
 These guys are nuts...
 Click here

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 From: Seasoldier
 Trunk Monkey - 4 NEW Episodes!!!

 Click here

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 From: Stumpy Steve
Snow shovelling scam!!
You have been warned, take care not to be caught by these two reprobates!
Heavy falls of snow are again forecast and I wanted to warn you of this
scam. Please be on the lookout for this pair in case they appear at your
door.
They offered to shovel the snow from my driveway for only 10. Not ten
minutes into the job they were at my door complaining about being cold.
They said they wanted to come in to my house and get warm for a while.
Well, three hours later, they ended up leaving without finishing the
driveway. I didn't get anything done around the house because I was afraid
to take my eyes off of them.

Please don't let this happen to you!
Fortunately, I took their picture before they left so you should be able to
identify them if they call on you. If these two appear on your doorstep,
don't say you weren't warned!

I'm sending this to you as you are just the sort of person to be taken in
by these rogues ............. [XXX]
 Click here

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 From: Stumpy Steve
 Pole Dancing

 Click here

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From: Stumpy Steve
+++ Subject: fun in the snow +++ File links:
 Click here
+++ Content:


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 From: Stumpy Steve
 not saying it is cold but .....
 Click here

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 From: UFO
 Best duct tape story ever
*During a private "fly-in"  fishing excursion in the Alaskan wilderness,
the chartered pilot and fishermen left a cooler and bait in the plane. *
*And a bear smelled it.  This is what he did to the plane. *

*The pilot used his radio and had another pilot bring him:
  2 new tires,
  3 cases of duct tape,
  and a supply of sheet plastic. *
*
He patched the plane together, and FLEW IT HOME! *

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Whizzbang
 Oh, This is so true!

Observations on Growing Older

~Your kids are becoming you...and you don't like them ...but your
grandchildren are perfect!
~Going out is good.
Coming home is better!
~When people say you look "Great"...
they add "for your age!"
~When you needed the discount you paid full price.
Now you get discounts on everything .....
movies, hotels, flights, but you're too tired to use them.
~You forget names ... but it's OK because other people forgot they even
knew you!!!
~The 5 pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better chance of
losing your keys than the 15 pounds.
~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything ....
especially golf.
~Your husband is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.
~The things you used to care to do,
you no longer care to do,
but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.
~Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he
does in bed.
It's called his "pre-sleep".
~Remember when your mother said
"Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"?
Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!
~You used to say,
"I hope my kids GET married ....
Now, "I hope they STAY married!"
~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF"
switch..
~When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem ....
were unheard of, and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.
~You used to use more 4 letter words .....
"what?"..."when?"  ???
~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it
anywhere.
~Your husband has a night out with the guys but he's home by 9:00 P.M.
...next week it will be 8:30 P.M.
~You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.
~Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!
~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
~Everybody whispers.
~Now that your husband has retired ......
you'd give anything if he'd find a job!
~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet ......
2 of which you will never wear.
~~~~But old is good in some things:
old songs old movies
And best of all OLD FRIENDS!!

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 From: Whizzbang
Mack vs. CAT - the CAT won Granny Smith Gold Mine

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: anonymous
 hahaha!!

 Click here


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 From: anonymous
It's about time we had a new batch! MOTIVATIONALS!!!!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here



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[ End friday humour ]

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