Friday humour - January 08, 2010

 From Burnout @ Bluehaze.

This week I'm doing the weekly edit from the wilds of western Sydney.
I haven't had a look around Sydney in 20 odd years when I emigrated north
to Queensland with my family.
Major changes here in the capital of NSW. The population seems to be from
all over and suburbs I used to know as somewhat sleepy are covered in tall
or taller buildings housing businesses of all descriptions.
Sydney has changed beyond my expectations and I have found it quite
unfamiliar to the place I left years ago - Just goes to show how the world
moves on all the time........and change is forever.

So now, its on with this Weeks fun:

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From: Anonymous

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?Answers given by 8 year old kids.


Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their
own.  They like other people's.

A grandfather is a man, and a grandmother is a lady!

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see
them.  They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run.  It is good if
they drive us to the shops and give us money.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves
and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the colours of the flowers and also why
we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'

They don't say, 'Hurry up.'

Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

Grandparents don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come
dogs chase cats?'

When they read to us, they don't skip.  They don't mind if we ask for the
same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have
television because they are the only grown-ups who like to spend time with
us.

They know we should have snack time before bed time, and they say prayers
with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.


A 6-YEAR-OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED.
''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN WE WANT HER, WE
JUST GO GET HER.
THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.''

GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I
DON'T GET TO SEE
HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM!

It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their
dog.

Send this to other grandparents, almost grandparents, or heck, send it to
everyone. It will make their day.


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A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the
other of the afterlife.  Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife
at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.  True to his
word, he made the first contact.

"marion....Marion"

Is that you Bob?

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed".

"That's wonderful, what is it like?"

Well, I get up in the morning, I have s*x.  I have breakfast and then it's
off to the golf course....I have s*x again, bathe in the warm sun and then
have s*x a couple of more times.

Then I have lunch (you'd be proud of me, I eat lots of greens),
another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have s*x the rest of
the afternoon.

After supper, it's back to golf course again, then it's more s*x until late
at night.  I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts
all over again.

Oh, Bob, you must be in Heaven".

Not exactly.....I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona".

God Bless America
Anne from Orlando


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Suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on
Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the
afterlife.
Emergency talks have so far failed to produce an agreement. The unrest
began last Tuesday when it was announced that the number of virgins a
suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% next
January from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in
recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage
of virgins in the afterlife. The suicide bombers' union, the British
Organisation of
Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was
unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action.
General secretary Mahatma Koat told the press,
"Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of
jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this by
management is a kick in the teeth."
Mr Koat accepted the lim  ited availability of virgins but pointed out that
the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by
management. "Last Christmas Aba Hambone alone was awarded an annual bonus
of 250,000 virgins," complains Mahatma. "And you can be sure they'll all
be pretty ones too. How can we afford that for members of the management
but not 72 for the people who do the real work?" Speaking from the shed in
the West Midlands where he currently resides, Chief executive Anotha bin
Liner explained, "We sympathise with our workers' concerns but we are
simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not
accepting the realities of modern-day jihad, in a competitive marketplace.
Thanks to
Western depravity,
there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a
straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I
don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff
that they won't be able to blow themselves up." He defended management
bonuse  s by claiming these were necessar y to attract good fanatical
clerics. "How am I supposed to attract the best people if I can't compete
with thallocation quotas. One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted
as saying "I'll be buggered if I'm agreeing to anything like
that........it's too much of a mouthful to swallow". Unless some sort of
agreement is reached over the weekend,
suicide bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are
supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a different
union,
is likely to continue working. However, some members of that branch will
only be using waist-down explosives in order to express solidarity with
their striking brethren.e private sector?"
asked Mr. Bin Liner.  Talks broke down this morning after management's
last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after
a failure to agree on orifice


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From: Craig K
Shitmydadsays - a find on Twitter

I was sent this link to a twitter page.  Finally someone has found a use
for twitter

 Click here

You can list that it was submitted by UFO.


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From: Kaos_reflex
 WELCOME TO OZ,THE SOFT TOUCH

Let me see if I understand this

1.  IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS
HARD LABOUR.
2.  IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED
INDEFINITELY.
3.  IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU ARE SHOT.
4.  IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE JAILED.
5.  IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD
FROM AGAIN.
6.  IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE BRANDED A
SPY AND YOUR FATE
WILL BE SEALED.
7.  IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO
POLITICAL PRISON TO
ROT.
8.  IF YOU COME TO AUSTRALIA ILLEGALLY
YOU GET A JOB, A DRIVERS LICENCE, SOCIAL SECURITY , WELFARE, FOOD,
CREDIT CARDS, FREE OR
SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE, FREE EDUCATION, FREE HEALTH
CARE, A LOBBYIST IN
CANBERRA AND IN MANY INSTANCES YOU CAN VOTE.

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+++ From: Muse
Subject:  Sand girl

This is absolutely extraordinary!

This video shows the winner of "Ukraine's Got Talent", Kseniya
Simonova, 24, drawing a series of pictures on an illuminated sand table
showing how ordinary people were affected by the German invasion during
World War II. Her talent, which admittedly is a strange one, is mesmeric
to watch.

      The images, projected onto a large screen, moved many in the audience
to tears and she won the top prize of about £75,000.

      She begins by creating a scene showing a couple sitting holding hands
on a bench under a starry sky, but then warplanes appear and the happy
scene is obliterated. It is replaced by a woman's face crying, but then a
baby arrives and the woman smiles again.
Once again war returns and Miss Simonova throws the sand into chaos from
which a young woman's face appears.

      She quickly becomes an old widow, her face wrinkled and sad,
before the image turns into a monument to an Unknown Soldier.

      This outdoor scene becomes framed by a window as if the viewer is
looking out on the monument from within a house.

      In the final scene, a mother and child appear inside and a man
standing outside,
with his hands pressed against the glass, saying goodbye.

      The Great Patriotic War, as it is called in Ukraine , resulted in one
in four of the population being killed with between 8 and 11 million deaths
out of a population of 42 million.

      Kseniya Simonova says:
      "I find it difficult enough to create art using paper and pencils or
paintbrushes,
but using sand and fingers is beyond me. The art, especially when the war
is used as the subject matter, even brings some audience members to tears.
And there is surely no bigger compliment."


 Click here


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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: this kid is amazing

 Click here


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From: Stumpy Steve
  Darwin Awards - more

SHE TALKS FASTER THAN SHE WALKS -- Darwin Award -- Confirmed True

May 2009, Louisiana | Back seat drivers beware! Annoyed at how slowly her
boyfriend was driving, Tamera B, 22, encouraged him to pick up the pace so
she could get to work on time. Joking that it would be faster to walk to
work, she opened the door of the pickup and stuck her foot out before
falling to her death. Deputies of the jurisdictional Sheriff's Office
stated that the truck was traveling at highway speed on I-12 at the time
of the incident.  Her death was ruled accidental.

VOTE:      Click here

GIMPY WENDY -- Honorable Mention -- Confirmed True

AUGUST 2009 | NEWS: Wendy Darwin Northcutt, writer of humorous obituaries
and author of five Darwin Awards books, nearly made her own dark list when
she broke her leg devising a clever way to cool the house during a
California heat wave. She opened up a grate in the hallway intending to
install a fan to force basement air up. The phone rang and, forgetting
about the hole in the floor,
three hours passed before she wandered back down the hall and fell into it.
Crunch!

A broken leg was the price she paid for the lesson:
Never walk away from a hole in the floor.

VOTE!      Click here

Voted number 3DOUBLE DIPPING -- Darwin Award -- Confirmed True

June 2009, North Carolina | Greensboro was innundated with four inches of
pouring rain in two hours leading to standing water,
and stranding cars on several roads. Rosanne Tippett, 50, was not deterred.
She hopped on her moped and drove to a convenience store where she possibly
had a beer, according to her mother,
before deciding to blunder home through the storm. She phoned home to share
her intentions, saying, "My moped has two rubber wheels, Mom, I'll be
fine."

North Carolina does not require a license to own a moped.
Ms. Tippett had acquired hers two years previously after a DUI conviction.

The Highway Patrol had blocked off several roads that were inundated with
water, including Ms. Tippett's path home. But
Ms. Tippett rode right past the officer and the barriers, lost control of
her vehicle, and fell into the swollen creek below. The officer retrieved
rope from his vehicle and proceeded to haul her from the water.

He then interviewed Ms. Tippett, probably inquiring about her motivation
for speeding through a roadblock during a flash flood. The officer began
to suspect that she had been drinking. When he briefly returned to his
patrol car, Ms. Tippett took the opportunity to confirm his suspicions.
She escaped--by jumping back into the creek!

The Highway Patrol officer attempted to rescue her again, but alas, it was
too late. The victim's mother speculated that her daughter's motivation
for jumping into a flooded creek was to rescue her drowning moped. "She
loved that thing.

VOTE!      Click here

TRIFECTA ELECTRA -- Darwin Award -- Confirmed True

October 2009, Florida | The Slush Pile mods say age fifteen is too young to
win, but this case might be an exception. A Palm Bay couple and their
15-year-old son were putting up a ham radio antenna one evening.
Bafflingly, not one of them thought to survey their surroundings. Unaware
of the presence of an unseen menace overhead, the trio raised the aerial
pole in the dark,
struck a power line, and Zap! Three Darwin Award winners.

"It is an unfortunate set of circ*mstances that led to the most tragic
result," said the Palm Bay Fire Marshal. "It happened in an instant."
However, it can hardly be called an accident. All three were voluntary
particpants and old enough to know better.

Readers beware, power lines lurk overhead waiting for the unwary. Our
thanks to 55-year-old Melville, 49-year-old Anna and
15-year-old Anthony for reminding us not to stick a pole in the power grid.
Just say no to premature cremation.

VOTE!  Click here

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From: Stumpy Steve

My mate just got struck off the medical register for having s*x with his
patients. It's a real shame cause he's a really good vet.

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  Subject: Advice from an Israeli Agent
AN ABSOLUTE MUST READ !!


Juval Aviv was the Israeli Agent upon whom the movie 'Munich' was based. He
was Golda
Meir's bodyguard, and she appointed him to track down and bring to justice
the
Palestinian terrorists who took the Israeli athletes hostage and killed
them during the
Munich Olympic Games.


In a lecture in New York City he shared information that EVERY
American needs to know --
but that our government has not yet shared with us.


He predicted the London subway bombing on the Bill O'Reilly show on
Fox News stating publicly that it would happen within a week. At the time,
O'Reilly laughed, and mocked him saying that in a week he wanted him back
on the show.
Unfortunately, within a week the terrorist attack had occurred.


Juval Aviv gave intelligence (via what he had gathered in Israel and the
Middle East) to the Bush Administration about 9/11, a month before it
occurred. His report specifically said they would use planes as bombs and
target high profile buildings and monuments.
Congress has since hired him as a security consultant.


Now for his future predictions. He predicts the next terrorist attack on
the U.S. will occur within the next few months.


Forget hijacking airplanes, because he says terrorists will NEVER try and
hijack a plane again as they know the people onboard will never go down
quietly again. Aviv believes our airport security is a joke -- that we
have been reactionary rather than proactive in developing strategies that
are truly effective.


For example:


1) Our airport technology is outdated. We look for metal, and the new
explosives are made of plastic.


2) He talked about how some idiot tried to light his shoe on fire.
Because of that, now everyone has to take off their shoes. A group of
idiots tried to bring aboard liquid explosives. Now we can't bring liquids
on board. He says he's waiting for some suicidal maniac to pour liquid
explosive on his underwear; at which point,
security will have us all travelling naked!


Every strategy we have is reactionary.


3) We only focus on security when people are heading to the gates.


Aviv says that if a terrorist attack targets airports in the future,
they will target busy times on the front end of the airport when/where
people are checking in. It would be easy for someone to take two suitcases
of explosives, walk up to a busy check-in line,
ask a person next to them to watch their bags for a minute while they run
to the restroom or get a drink, and then detonate the bags BEFORE security
even gets involved. In Israel,
security checks bags BEFORE people can even ENTER the airport.


Aviv says the next terrorist attack here in America is imminent and will
involve suicide bombers and non-suicide bombers in places where large
groups of people congregate. (i.e.,
Disneyland, Las Vegas casinos, big cities (New York, San Francisco,
Chicago, etc.) and that it will also include shopping malls, subways in
rush hour, train stations, etc., as well as, rural America this time. The
interlands (Wyoming, Montana, etc.).


The attack will be characterized by simultaneous detonations around the
country (terrorists like big impact), involving at least 5-8 cities,
including rural areas.


Aviv says terrorists won't need to use suicide bombers in many of the
larger cities,
because at places like the MGM Grand in Las Vegas, they can simply valet
park a car loaded with explosives and walk away.


Aviv says all of the above is well known in intelligence circles, but that
our U. S.
Government does not want to 'alarm American citizens' with the facts.
The world is quickly going to become 'a different place', and issues like
'global warming' and political correctness will become totally irrelevant.


On an encouraging note, he says that Americans don't have to be concerned
about being nuked. Aviv says the terrorists who want to destroy America
will not use sophisticated weapons. They like to use suicide as a
front-line approach. It's cheap, it's easy, it's effective; and they have
an infinite abundance of young militants more than willing to
'meet their destiny'.


He also says the next level of terrorists, over which America  should be
most concerned,
will not be coming from abroad.  But will be, instead, 'homegrown',
having attended and been educated in our own schools and universities right
here in the
U.S. He says to look for 'students' who frequently travel back and forth to
the  Middle
East. These young terrorists will be most dangerous because they will know
our language and will fully understand the habits of Americans; but that
we Americans won't know/understand a thing about them.


Aviv says that, as a people, Americans are unaware and uneducated about the
terrorist threats we will inevitably face.  America still has only a
handful of
Arabic and Farsi speaking people in our intelligence networks, and Aviv
says it is critical that we change that fact SOON.


So, what can America do to protect itself? From an intelligence
perspective, Aviv says the U.S. needs to stop relying on satellites and
technology for intelligence. We need to,
instead, follow Israel's, Ireland's and England's hands-on examples of
human intelligence, both from an infiltration perspective as well as to
pay attention to, and trust 'aware' citizens to help. We need to engage
and educate ourselves as citizens;
however, our U. S. government continues to treat us, its citizens,
'like babies'. Our government thinks we 'can't handle the truth' and are
concerned that we'll panic if we understand the realities of terrorism.
Aviv says this is a deadly mistake.


Aviv recently created/executed a security test for our Congress, by placing
an empty briefcase in five well-travelled spots in five major cities. The
results? Not one person called 911 or sought a policeman to check it out.
In fact, in Chicago,
someone tried to steal the briefcase!


In comparison, Aviv says that citizens of Israel are so well 'trained' that
an unattended bag or package would be reported in seconds by citizen(s) who
know to publicly shout,
'Unattended Bag!' The area would be quickly & calmly cleared by the
citizens themselves.


Unfortunately, America  hasn't been yet 'hurt enough' by terrorism for
their government to fully understand the need to educate its citizens or
for the government to understand that it's their citizens who are,
inevitably, the best first-line of defense against terrorism.


Aviv also was concerned about the high number of children here in
America who were in preschool and kindergarten after 9/11, who were 'lost'
without parents being able to pick them up, and about our schools that had
no plan in place to best care for the students until parents could get
there. (In New York City, this was days, in some cases!)


He stresses the importance of having a plan, that's agreed upon within your
family, of how to respond in the event of a terrorist emergency. He urges
parents to contact their children's schools and demand that the schools
too, develop plans of actions, just as they do in Israel.


Does your family know what to do if you can't contact one another by phone?
Where would you gather in an emergency? He says we should all have a plan
that is easy enough for even our youngest children to remember and follow.


Aviv says that the U. S. government has in force a plan, that in the event
of another terrorist


attack, EVERYONE's ability to use cell phones, blackberries, etc.,
will immediately be cut-off, as this is the preferred communication source
used by terrorists and is often the way that their bombs are detonated.


How will you communicate with your loved ones in the event you cannot speak
to each other? You need to have a plan.


If you understand, and believe what you have just read, then you must feel
compelled to send this to every concerned parent, guardian, grandparents,
uncles,
aunts, whomever.
Don't stop there. In addition to sharing this via e-mail, contact and
discuss this information with whomever it makes sense to. Make contingency
plans with those you care about. Better that you have plans in place, and
never have to use them, then to have no plans in place, and find you
needed them.


If you choose not to share this, or not to have a plan in place, and
nothing ever occurs -- good for you! However, in the event  something does
happen, and even more so, if it directly affects your loved ones, then this
e-mail will haunt you forever.


Telling yourself after the fact, "I should have sent this to so and so, but
deleted it as so much trash from old Steve Cattell, plus, I just didn't
believe it",
will not change anything. You were alerted, had the chance to do something,
and instead of erring on the side of caution, you chose to disregard, if
nothing else, a sensible,
valuable warning.


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  From: Whizzbang
Subject:  Snow White

The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the  mine early each morning.

As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores.

As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the
mine.

One day as she arrived at the mine with the  lunch, she saw that there had
been a terrible cave-in.

Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping
against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.

'Hello...Hello!' she shouted. 'Can anyone hear me?  Hello!'

For a long while, there was no answer.

Losing hope, Snow White again shouted, 'Hello!

Is anyone down there?'

Just as she was about to give up all hope, she heard a faint voice from
deep within the mine, singing;

**
*
*
*
*
*
*


'Vote for Tony Abbott, vote for Tony Abbott....'


Snow White fell to her knees and prayed, 'Oh, thank you, God! at least
Dopey is still alive.


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From: Anonymous
Subject: Fwd: Minnesota Air Show :
Click here
:

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  From: Anonymous
Subject: Fwd: Airport Check in

Click here


Get used to it folks as this is the new TSA check in procedures at all
airports starting
Jan 1st 2010.

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From: Anonymous
  Subject: Fwd: REAL STEEL

Click here

FREEDOM IS NOT FREE


WHEN CARS WERE BUILT TOUGH!

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  All Women need animals

Click here


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  From: Kaos_reflex
  Subject: Kneeling jump record

Click here

Kneeling high jump record:
 
Are you aware that a new world record has been set for the HIGH JUMP from a
KNEELING position?  The record is 0.757 metres - remember this is from a
KNEELING position - was set recently on a beach near Montpellier in
Southern France.   
This photograph was taken a split second before the jump - but it gives you
an idea as to how it was achieved.....


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From: Muse
Subject: African football

Click here


Subject: Fw: Craziest Cat on the Planet.....

Click here

Subject: It must be closing time!

Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: Fw: Happy New Year

Click here


Angels exist, but sometimes they don't have wings....
We call them "friends".
-----


A New Year's wish for You and Yours...


May you get a clean bill of health from your dentist, your ophthalmologist,
your psychiatrist,
your cardiologist, your urologist,
your proctologist, your gynaecologist, your podiatrist,
your plumber, and the ATO

May your hair, your teeth, your face-lift,
your love handles, and your stocks never fall,
and may your blood pressure, your triglycerides,
your cholesterol, your white blood count, your weight,
and your property assessments never increase.


May you be sensitive to the needs of others and may you create within
yourself a balance of your own needs.


May you laugh at yourself
and realize if you were supposed to touch your toes while exercising,
the Lord would have placed them further up,
and may you realize the reason so many people take up jogging is to hear
heavy breathing again.


May what you see in the mirror delight you and what others see in you
delight them.
May someone love you enough to accept and forgive your faults and be blind
to your blemishes,
and tell the whole world about your virtues.


May you live in a world at peace,
with an awareness of the beauty of every sunset,
every flower, every child's smile,
and every wonderful astonishing beat of your own heart.


If by laughter, I can cause you to wipe one tear from your cheek, that is
my only reward.


Above all, may you continue to smile,
may your life be filled with laughter,
and may you never forget the words found in the Book of Proverbs ...

"A gloomy spirit rots the bones; but a merry heart is like good medicine."


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From: Sack
Subject:Termination of Employment.

Click here


                             For the  Annual Company Picnic,
management had decided that because of liability issues, we could have
alcohol, but only one  drink per person...


                              I was fired for ordering the cups.


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Subject: Fw: Happy New Year!
  File links:
Click here
Click here
Click here
Click here
Click here
Click here
Click here
Click here
Click here


            Wishing YOU all the best of everything good in the New Year.
            (Unfortunately, the source is unknown, so proper credit cannot
be given)


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From: Seasoldier
  Subject Negotiating with the dentist

Click here
:


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From: Stumpy Steve
Subject: Things you notice when you're 60

Click here


        Things you notice when you’re sixty.


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  From: Whizzbang  (Open with caution _ED)
Subject: Big Johnson?
:
Click here


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  Subject: Carry on baggage
:
Click here


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Subject:  Aussie Frog Prince

Click here


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  Subject: =?iso-8859-1?Q?_Mam=E3e=2C_o_que_=E9_virgem=3F_?=

Click here


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Subject:  The first Aboriginal with a sense of humour . Seen on the corner
of Karrinyup Rd & Main St. Perth

Click here

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Well thats the end this week guys, hope you are all back from holiday soon
and sending in loads of fresh and funny material.......

Quote of the Week:

?Give instruction to a wise man and he will yet be wiser?

Proverbs 9, Verse 9.


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[ End friday humour ]

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