Friday humour - January 01, 2010



[ from Davo @ Bluehaze ]


G'day


It's been a frugal week contributions-wise.  Praise the Lord that Whizzbang
keeps providing us with merriment and mirth.  Thanks Whizzie for a great
years stuff!


  H A P P Y   N E W    Y E A R   T O    A L L   F H   R E A D E R S !


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First up from Digi Steve

                                       Stuff a Duck

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind,
can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's
pint..
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round
this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm
a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more,
but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and
proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the
barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks..

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be
just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches,
reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr.
Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in
caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the
middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ..

"What would they want with a plasterer??!"


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From The Duke of B

         LORD NELSON PREPARING FOR BATTLE AT TRAFALGAR

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning
of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): " England expects every person to do his or her
duty, regardless of race, gender, s*xual orientation, religious persuasion
or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this for God's sake?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities
employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the
censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir.  All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free
working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration.

Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral.  Its part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy.  I suppose we'd better get on with it
.............. Full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history.  We must advance with all dispatch.

Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir.  No harness;
and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations.  They won't let
anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled?  I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse
even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by
playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did.  The Royal Navy is under represented in the
areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next?  Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir.

Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats  and
they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the
adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy.  Break out the cannon and tell the
men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged
with murder if they actually kill anyone.

There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like
hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. 
According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we

Shouldn't even be in this stretch of water.  We could get hit with a claim
for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying
that sir.  You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir.  We must be inclusive in this multicultural
age. 
Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety.

Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu!

And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case ...............................

Kiss me, Hardy."


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This from Sack

                             Justice in Toronto Ontario

A seven-year old boy was at the center of a courtroom drama yesterday when
he challenged a court ruling over who should have  custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge
initially awarded custody to his aunt, in  keeping with child custody law
and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest
degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more
than his parents and he adamantly refused to  live with her. When the
judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and
said that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that
domestic violence was apparently a way  of life among them, the judge took
the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have
custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child
welfare officials, the judge granted  temporary custody to the Toronto
Maple
Leafs, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

I FELL FOR IT!!   DON'T FEEL BAD IF YOU DID TOO!!!


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This lot from Whizzbang

                                Honey and Cinnamon

Honey is the only food on the planet that will not spoil or rot. It will do
what some call turning to sugar. In reality honey is always honey. However,
when left in a cool dark place for a long time it will do what I rather
call
"crystallizing". When this happens I loosen the lid, boil some water, and
sit the honey container in the hot water, turn off the heat and let it
liquefy. It is then as good as it ever was. Never boil honey or put it in
a microwave. To do so will kill the enzymes in the honey.

Cinnamon and Honey Bet the drug companies won't like this one getting
around. Facts on Honey and Cinnamon: It is found that a mixture of honey
and
Cinnamon cures most diseases. Honey is produced in most of the countries of
the world. Scientists of today also accept honey as a 'Ram Ban' (very
effective) medicine for all kinds of diseases. Honey can be used without
any side effects for any kind of diseases.

Today's science says that even though honey is sweet, if taken in the right
dosage as a medicine, it does not harm diabetic patients. Weekly World
News,
a magazine in Canada , in its issue dated 17 January, 1995 has given the
following list of diseases that can be cured by honey and cinnamon as
researched by western scientists:

HEART DISEASES: Make a paste of honey and cinnamon powder, apply on bread,
instead of jelly and jam, and eat it regularly for breakfast. It reduces
the cholesterol in the arteries and saves the patient from heart attack.
Also,
those who have already had an attack, if they do this process daily, they
are kept miles away from the next attack. Regular use of the above process
relieves loss of breath and strengthens the heart beat. In America and
Canada , various nursing homes have treated patients successfully and have
found that as you age, the arteries and veins lose their flexibility and
get clogged; honey and cinnamon revitalize the arteries and veins.

ARTHRITIS: Arthritis patients may take daily, morning and night, one cup of
hot water with two spoons of honey and one small teaspoon of cinnamon
powder. If taken regularly even chronic arthritis can be cured. In a
recent research conducted at the Copenhagen University, it was found that
when the doctors treated their patients with a mixture of one tablespoon
Honey and half teaspoon Cinnamon powder before breakfast, they found that
within a week, out of the 200 people so treated, practically 73 patients
were totally relieved of pain, and within a month, mostly all the patients
who could not walk or move around because of arthritis started walking
without pain.

BLADDER INFECTIONS: Take two tablespoons of cinnamon powder and one
teaspoon of honey in a glass of lukewarm water and drink it. It destroys
the germs in the bladder.

CHOLESTEROL: Two tablespoons of honey and three teaspoons of Cinnamon
Powder mixed in 16 ounces of tea water, given to a cholesterol patient,
was found to reduce the level of cholesterol in the blood by 10 percent
within two hours. As mentioned for arthritic patients, if taken three
times a day, any chronic cholesterol is cured. According to information
received in the said Journal,
pure honey taken with food daily relieves complaints of cholesterol.

COLDS: Those suffering from common or severe colds should take one
tablespoon lukewarm honey with 1/4 spoon cinnamon powder daily for three
days. This process will cure most chronic cough, cold, and clear the
sinuses.

UPSET STOMACH: Honey taken with cinnamon powder cures stomach ache and also
clears stomach ulcers from the root.

GAS: According to the studies done in India and Japan , it is revealed that
if Honey is taken with cinnamon powder the stomach is relieved of gas.

IMMUNE SYSTEM: Daily use of honey and cinnamon powder strengthens the
immune system and protects the body from bacteria and viral attacks.
Scientists have found that honey has various vitamins and iron in large
amounts.
Constant use of Honey strengthens the white blood corpuscles to fight
bacterial and viral diseases.

INDIGESTION: Cinnamon powder sprinkled on two tablespoons of honey taken
before food relieves acidity and digests the heaviest of meals.

INFLUENZA: A scientist in Spain has proved that honey contains a natural '
Ingredient' which kills the influenza germs and saves the patient from flu.

LONGEVITY: Tea made with honey and cinnamon powder, when taken regularly,
arrests the ravages of old age. Take four spoons of honey, one spoon of
cinnamon powder, and three cups of water and boil to make like tea. Drink
1/4 cup, three to four times a day. It keeps the skin fresh and soft and
arrests old age. Life spans also increase and even a 100 year old, starts
performing the chores of a 20-year-old.

PIMPLES: Three tablespoons of honey and one teaspoon of cinnamon powder
paste. Apply this paste on the pimples before sleeping and wash it next
morning with warm water. If done daily for two weeks, it removes pimples
from the root.

SKIN INFECTIONS: Applying honey and cinnamon powder in equal parts on the
affected parts cures eczema, ringworm and all types of skin infections.

WEIGHT LOSS: Daily in the morning one half hour before breakfast on an
empty stomach, and at night before sleeping, drink honey and cinnamon
powder boiled in one cup of water. If taken regularly, it reduces the
weight of even the most obese person. Also, drinking this mixture
regularly does not allow the fat to acc*mulate in the body even though the
person may eat a high calorie diet.

CANCER: Recent research in Japan and Australia has revealed that advanced
cancer of the stomach and bones have been cured successfully. Patients
suffering from these kinds of cancer should daily take one tablespoon of
honey with one teaspoon of cinnamon powder for one month three times a
day.

FATIGUE: Recent studies have shown that the sugar content of honey is more
helpful rather than being detrimental to the strength of the body. Senior
citizens, who take honey and cinnamon powder in equal parts, are more
alert and flexible. Dr. Milton, who has done research, says that a half
tablespoon of honey taken in a glass of water and sprinkled with cinnamon
powder, taken daily after brushing and in the afternoon at about 3:00 P.
M. when the vitality of the body starts to decrease, increases the
vitality of the body within a week.

BAD BREATH: People of South America , first thing in the morning, gargle
with one teaspoon of honey and cinnamon powder mixed in hot water, so
their breath stays fresh throughout the day.

HEARING LOSS: Daily morning and night honey and cinnamon powder, taken in
equal parts restore hearing. Remember when we were kids? We had toast with
real butter and cinnamon sprinkled on it!


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                              The ETS tax for dummies ...

What do you think about this?

Let's put this into a bit of perspective for laymen! ETS is another tax. It
is equal to putting up the GST to 12.5% which would be unacceptable and
produce an outcry. Read the following analogy and you will realize the
insignificance of carbon dioxide as a weather controller. Pass on to all
in your address book including politicians and may be they will listen to
their constituents, rather than vested interests which stand to gain by
the ETS.
Here's a practical way to understand Mr. Rudd's Carbon Pollution Reduction
Scheme.

Imagine 1 kilometre of atmosphere and we want to get rid of the carbon
pollution in it created by human activity. Let's go for a walk along it.
The first 770 metres are Nitrogen. The next 210 metres are Oxygen. That's
980 metres of the 1 kilometre. 20 metres to go. The next 10 metres are
water vapour. 10 metres left. 9 metres are argon. Just 1 more metre. A few
gases make up the first bit of that last metre. The last 38 centimetres of
the kilometre - that's carbon dioxide. A bit over one foot. 97% of that is
produced by Mother Nature. It's natural. Out of our journey of one
kilometre, there are just 12 millimetres left. Just over a centimetre -
about half an inch. That's the amount of carbon dioxide that global human
activity puts into the atmosphere.

And of those 12 millimetres Australia puts in .18 of a millimetre. Less
than the thickness of a hair. Out of a kilometre! As a hair is to a
kilometre -
so is Australia 's contribution to what Mr. Rudd calls Carbon Pollution.
Imagine Brisbane 's new Gateway Bridge, ready to be opened by Mr. Rudd.
It's been polished, painted and scrubbed by an army of workers till its 1
kilometre length is surgically clean. Except that Mr. Rudd says we have a
huge problem, the bridge is polluted - there's a human hair on the
roadway.
We'd laugh ourselves silly. There are plenty of real pollution problems to
worry about. It's hard to imagine that Australia 's contribution to carbon
dioxide in the world's atmosphere is one of the more pressing ones. And I
can't believe that a new tax on everything is the only way to blow that
pesky hair away. Pass this on quickly while the ETS is being debated in
Federal Parliament.


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                            WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.


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                                    WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to
purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television
set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,

and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."


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                             UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,

pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,

and still be afraid of a spider.


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                           CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of
string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for
your wife?

He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the
store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of
tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she...

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)


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                                WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and

neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws.


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                                         WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.

30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"


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                                        CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be

so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!


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                                  WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who

should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first,

and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and

you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that
the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at
the top of several pages, that it indeed says "HEBREWS"


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                                  The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home

and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to
wake him

at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a
piece of paper,

"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he
had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife
hadn't wakened him,

when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

o0o

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft
before the masterpiece


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This week's AV lot comes from Stumpy Steve, Whizzbang, Smithie of
Nottingham, Kaos-reflex, Allnutts, Digi Steve, and you know who you are.


You must remember to reload after every shot
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CHRISTMAS  BLESSINGS
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The Waves of Hawaii
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Wrong Number
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Hundreds Gather to Protest Global Warming
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Glenorchy Nativity Scene
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Pencils
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Pebble beach concourse d'elegance
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Cannibals
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Scottish Flower - Breathtaking -
 Click here

Doesn't Get any better than this!  [ XXX ]
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Cockpits
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Which garage would you like?
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Advent Calender for Dads   [ XXX ]
 Click here

Dancing dog
 Click here

A Model train set !!
This is the world's biggest train set which covers 1,150 square meters
(12,380 square feet), features almost six miles of track and is still not
complete
Twin brothers Frederick and Gerrit Braun, 41, began work on the 'Miniatur
Wund erland ' in 2000
The set covers six regions including America , Switz erland , Scandinavia ,
Germany and the Austrian Alps
The American section features giant models of the Rocky Mountains,
Everglades, Grand Canyon ... and Mount Rushmore
The Swiss section has a mini-Matterhorn
The Scandinavian part has a 4ft long passenger ship floating in a 'fjord'
It is expected to be finished in 2014, when the train set will cover more
than 1,800 square meters (19, 376 sq ft) and feature almost 13 miles of
track, by which time detailed models of parts of France, Italy and the UK
will have been added
It comprises 700 trains with more than 10,000 carriages and wagons
The longest train is 46ft long
The scenery includes 900 signals, 2,800 buildings, 4,000 cars - many with
illuminated headlights... and 160,000 individually designed figures
Thousands of kilograms of steel and wood was used to construct the
scenery....
The 250,000 lights are rigged up to a system which mimics night and day by
automatically turning them on and off
The whole system is controlled from a massive high-tech nerve centre
In total the set has taken 500,000 hours and more than �8 million to put
together, the vast majority of which has come from ticket sales
Gerrit said: "Our idea was to build a world that men, woman, and children
can be equally astonished and amazed in"
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


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Finally from Kaos-reflex

                    Special High Intensity Training  (SHIT)

It's been decided that in order to continue producing the highest quality
possible, it will now be the policy to keep all employees well trained
through the newly formulated program of "special high intensity training"
or
SHIT.   We are now giving you the employee more SHIT than any other
organisation.

If you feel that you do not receive your fair share of SH*T within the job
please see your supervisor.  You will automatically be placed at the top
of the SHIT list for special attention.

All members of administration  are suitably qualified to see that you get
more than your fair share of SH*T, irrespective of whether or not you are
capable of handling it.

If you consider yourself already trained, you may be interested in helping
others to be trained.  We can offer to you our "basic understanding
lecture list - special high intensity training."  This programme is the
BULLSHIT programme, some or may be all are well acquainted with this.

If you have further questions please address them to our "head of training,
special high intensity training."  That is the HOTSH*T programme.

Thank you,

Boss in General, "Special High Intensity Training," (BIG SHIT)

N. B.     With the personality that some personnel display, you could
easily become the "regional assistant trainer - special high intensity
training (RATSHIT).

Those being possessed of no personality at all will be nominated for the
honorary position of "deputy unpaid management briefer - special high
intensity training scheme."  (DUMBSHITS).  This scheme is no doubt
familiar in some way to those you look up to.


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Political Quotes of the Year:


Dumbest Quote:

  "I'm torn between two places and a hard rock."

                                      - Steve Fielding, Family First
Senator

D&M Quote:

  "If you are going to go to the Greens to devise an emissions trading
   scheme, you are going to have a piece of policy that comes direct
   from the manic monkey cafe of inner-suburban nirvana-ville straight
   to you."
             - Barnaby Joyce, new Liberal/Nationals Finance Spokesman


Loopy Quote:

  "For the extreme Left it provides the opportunity to do what they've
   always wanted to do, to sort of 'de-industrialise' the Western world.
   You know, the collapse of communism was a disaster for the Left and
   then, really, they embraced environmentalism as their new religion."

                              - Mick Minchin, imaginative Liberal Senate
Leader

Visionary Quote:

  "At the risk of sounding like a gay, lame churchie loser, which my
   daughter called me once, you've got to be ambitious for higher things."

                                               - Tony Abbott, new Liberal
Leader


Dinkum Aussie Quote ... almost

  "Fair shake of the sauce bottle."
                                                                 - Kevin
Rudd, PM


Truest Quote:

"I will not lead a party that is not as committed to effective action on
climate change as I am."

                                       - Malcolm Turnbull, former Liberal
Leader


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[ End friday humour ]

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