Friday humour - December 25, 2009

[from Steve @ Bluehaze]

Seasons Greetings to Y'all. I'm guessing this edition won't get read by too
many before January, but its good to be able to provide on Christmas Day
anyway.

Again this week, Tiger takes the prize. The guy is indeed crazy. Talk about
the grass on the other side ...

This weeks collection comes courtesy of Allnutts, Arfermo, Digi Maria, Duke
of Barsinov, Kaos_reflex, Moose, Sack, Stumpy Steve, The
Great Gussius, Whizzbang, and the ever present anonymi.

Enjoy! Ho Ho Ho ...

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End of school

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her
grades. There is really nothing to do. All the kids are restless because
there is nothing to do and it is near the end of the day. The teacher
says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave
early today."

Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart
and will answer the question".

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before
Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln".
The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You can go". Johnny was MAD.

The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny could open
his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King". The teacher said, "That's
right Mary. You can go". Johnny was even MADDER than before.

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John
Kennedy". The teacher said, "That's right Nancy. You can go". Johnny was
BOILING MAD.

Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches
would keep their mouths shut". The teacher asked, "WHO SAID
THAT?" Johnny said, "TIGER WOODS! CAN I GO NOW?"

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Educational TV

A man watching a hockey match on TV kept switching channels to a raunchy
movie featuring a lusty couple. "I don't know whether to watch them or the
game," he said to his wife.

"For heaven's sake, watch them," his wife said. "You already know how to
play Hockey!"

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Interview With Immigration Canada.

Do you speak English?
-Yes!

Name?
-Abdul al-Rhazib.

Sex?
-Three to five times a week.


No, no ... I mean male or female?
-Yes, male, female, sometimes camel.

Holy cow!
-Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.

But isn't that hostile?
-Horse style, doggy style, any style!

Oh dear!
-No, no! Deer run too fast...

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The Farting Contest
 by
Anon

I'll tell you a story that is sure to please,
Of a great farting contest at Burton-on-Tees
Where all the best ar*es paraded the field,
To compete in a contest for various shields.

Some tighten their ar*es and fart up the scale,
To compete for a cup and a gallon of ale.
While others whose ar*es are biggest and strongest,
Compete in the section for loudest and longest.

Now this years event had drawn quite a large crowd,
And the betting was even on Mrs. MacLeod.
For it had appeared in the evening edition,
That this lady's ar*e was in perfect condition.

Now, old Mrs. Jones had a perfect backside,
Half a forest of hairs with a wart on each side.
And she fancied her chances of winning with ease,
Having trained on a diet of cabbage and peas.

The Vicar arrived and ascended the stand,
And thus he addressed this remarkable band.
"The contest is on as is shown in the bills,
We've precluded the use of injections and pills."

Mrs. Bindle arrived amid roars of applause,
And promptly proceeded to pull off her drawers,
For though she'd no chance in the farting display,
She'd the prettiest bottom you'd see this day.

Now, young Mrs. Pothole was backed for a place,
Though she'd often been placed in the deepest disgrace
By dropping a fart that had beaten the organ,
And the poor Vicar, old Jonathon Morgan.

The ladies lined up at the signal to start,
And winning the toss, Mrs. Jones took first fart
The people around stood in silence and wonder,
While her wireless announced gale warnings and thunder.

Now, Mrs. MacLeod reckoned nothing of this,
She'd had some weak tea and was all wind and pride.
So she took up her place and her ar*e opened wide,
But unluckily sh*t... and was disqualified.

Then young Mrs. Pothole was called to the front,
And started by doing a wonderful stunt.
She took a deep breath and clenching her hands,
She blew the whole roof off the popular stands.

That left Mrs. Bindle, who shyly appeared,
And smiled at the clergy who lustily cheered.
And though it was reckoned her chances were small,
She let out a winner, outfarting them all.

With hands on her hips, she stood farting alone,
And the crowd stood amazed at the sweetness of tone.
And the clergy agreed without hindrance or pause,
And said, 'First, Mrs. Bindle... now pull up your drawers!'

But with muscles well tensed and legs full apart,
She started a final and glorious fart.
Beginning with 'Chopin' and ending with 'Wing'
She went right up the scale to 'God Save the King'.

She went to the rostrum with maidenly gait,
And took from the panel, a set of gold plate.
Then she turned to the Vicar with sweetness sublime
And smilingly said, 'Come up and see me some time!'

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Thought from the Greatest Living Scots Thinker Billy Connolly.

'If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a
headache and s*x at the same time?'

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Police hunt supermarket bottom sniffer.
 Click here

Hallelujah Chorus as you have never seen/heard it before!
 Click here
Or with this accompaniment?
 Click here

The Man's Frigging Crazy! [XXX]
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
She's Elin Nordegren ... Mrs. Tiger Woods.
No wonder his knees went!

I can't believe she sank [XXX]
 Click here

Just in time for Christmas
 Click here

Guinness
 Click here

Model Plane builder extraordinaire...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here
All the parts actually work!

Tiagra
 Click here

Cookies for Santa
 Click here

The New Nike Ad [Xish]
 Click here

Tiger's New Book
 Click here

Chase of the Day
 Click here
[Benny Hill would have been proud Ed.]

The Quality of Religious debate etc.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

G8 Summit lesson in cultures.
 Click here
For the American, a long forward look, never distracted.
For the Canadian, a rather confused look, somewhat overwhelmed by his coat
button.
For the Italian and the French, the ass comes first!

I hate to wake up in the morning & find f*cking snow on my car ...
 Click here

Sadly, I think some of you may find this amusing!!
 Click here

More posters ...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Big Bad (stupid?) Woodpecker
 Click here

Didn't take long
 Click here

One tough coyote.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Meet the wiliest of all coyotes: Hit by a car at 75mph, embedded in the
fender, rode for 600 miles - and SURVIVED!

When a brother and sister driving home struck a coyote at 75mph they
assumed they had killed the animal and drove on. They didn't realize this
was the toughest creature ever to survive a hit-and-run.

Eight hours, two fuel stops, and 600 miles later they found the wild animal
embedded in their front fender - and very much alive.
The brother and sister were Daniel and Tevyn East driving at night along
Interstate 80 near the Nevada-Utah border when they noticed a pack of
coyotes near the roadside on October 12. When one of the animals ran in
front of the car, the impact sounded fatal so the siblings thought there
no point in stopping. 'Right off the bat, we knew it was bad,' Daniel
explained. 'We thought the story was over.'

After the incident around 1am, they continued their 600 mile drive to North
San Juan - even stopping for fuel at least twice. But it was only when they
finally reached their destination at 9am did they take time to examine what
damage they may have sustained. At first it looked as though it was going
to be quite gruesome. '[Daniel] saw fur and the body inside the grill,'
Tevyn East said. 'I was trying to keep some distance. Our assumption was
it was part of the coyote - it didn't register it was the whole animal.'

Daniel East got a broom to try and pry the remains out of the bumper and
got the shock of his life. 'It flinched,' Tevyn East said.
'It was a huge surprise - he got a little freaked out.'

'We knew it was bad': Tevyn East, who was in the car when it hit the
coyote, bends down to take a look at the fur poking through the fender.

Fur Pete's sake: What Mr. East spotted as he bent down to inspect the
damage to his car - the body of the coyote poking out through the radiator

Wily coyote: The animal's head can be seen as rescuers took apart the front
fender to save it after it was struck by the car at 75mph.

Miracle escape: As the animal struggled, wildlife protection officials put
a loop around its neck to prevent it from further injuring itself.

The front of the car is completely taken apart as the coyote begins to
wriggle free.

And voila! Tricky the toughest coyote ever rests in a cage after its ordeal
- which it survived with just some scrapes to its paw.

I reckon I would have got out & checked the car over before I did a further
600 miles.

Xmas Card For You
 Click here

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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