Friday humour - December 18, 2009

Apologies for the lack of content this week - mainly due to the number of
repeats - have a great Christmas and New Year all of you, and if you have
to drive please be sensible with the booze.....on with the
humour.............


From: Kaos_reflex

 Click here

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 From: Nottingham Smithie

Gordon Brown called Alastair Darling into his office one day & said,
'Alastair , I have a great idea!?


We are going to go all out to win back Middle England '.
'Good idea PM, how will we go about it?' said Darling.

'Well' said Brown 'we'll get ourselves two of those long Barbour coats,
some proper wellies, a stick & a flat cap, Oh & a Labrador .
Then we'll really look the part.. We'll go to a nice old country pub,
in Much Something or other & we'll show we really enjoy the countryside,
......... Oh! & remember not to mention the Hunting With Dogs Act

'Right PM' said Darling. So a few days later, all kitted out & with the
requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from London .

Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for & found a
lovely country pub &, with the dog,
went in & up to the bar.

'Good evening Landlord, two pints of you best ale, from the wood please'
said Brown

'Good evening, Prime Minister' said the landlord,
'two pints of best it is, coming up

Brown & Darling stood leaning on the bar contemplating new taxes, nodding
now & again to those who came in for a drink, whilst the dog lay quietly
at their feet..

As they drank their beer they chatted about how heart-rending it was that
pensioners were being imprisoned for not paying the council tax.

All of a sudden the door from the adjacent bar opened & in came a grizzled
old shepherd, complete with crook. He walked up to the Labrador lifted its
tail & looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders & walked back to the other
bar.

A few moments later, in came a wizened farmer who followed the same
procedure, to the bewilderment of Brown &
Darling. People of all ages & gender followed suit over the next hour.
Eventually, unable to stand it any longer, Darling called the landlord
over. 'Tell me' said Darling, 'Why did all those people come in & look
under the dog's tail like that??? Is it an old country custom?

'Good Lord no,' said the landlord. 'It's just that someone has told them
that there was a Labrador in this bar with two ar*eholes

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From: Nottingham Smithie
xmas video

 Click here

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From: Stumpy Steve

Please note when you are planning Christmas services this may help you with
regard to current legislation


The Rocking Song
Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of
allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice
cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a
suitable alternative.

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records
Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby
Jesus.
Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be
prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking
commences.


Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered
safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also
consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a
venture,
particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note,
permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To
avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request
that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a
noise nuisance.


While Shepherds Watched
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

The union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches health and safety
regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without
appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools
and orthopedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that
due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they
should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd
observation huts.
Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his /
her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been
issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA,
UVB and
Glory.


Little Donkey
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load
that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the
guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many
rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note
that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and
Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any
airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being
labeled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr.
Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an
infringement of his equine rights.


We Three Kings
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be
redeemed at a later date through such organizations as 'cash for gold'
etc,
gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential
risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift
alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the
recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars
in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC route
finder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and
advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from
the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient
will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings
are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.


Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is
inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of
any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer
from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary
action will be taken against those found guilty of this offense. A full
investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on
full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.

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 From: The Great Gussius

After a visit to a massage parlour, a man discovers a painful lump on his
willy, so he goes to see his GP.

'I'm afraid this is serious,' the doctor says after examining him. 'You
know how rugby players get cauliflower ear?'

'Yes,' the man replies shakily.

'Well,' the doctor continues, 'you've got a brothel sprout.

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 From: Whizzbang
Is this the future of electronics? Stanford University creates paper
battery - News - PC Authority
 Click here
stanford-university-creates-paper-battery.aspx


Watch this it's amazing where will it stop

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From: 4M
 Brilliant new car
 Click here Click here

Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women. They are mixing
the Clio and the Taurus, and calling it the "Clitaurus."  It comes in pink
(with or without fur on the dash) and the average male thief won't be able
to find it, even if someone tells him where it is.

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 From: Allnutts
 Peace Song
 Click here


You're doin' it for world peace...

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From: Allnutts
 Side Cars  -  Some of these are pretty darn cool.

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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 From: Allnutts
 One Bucket Car Wash
 Click here

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From: Anonymous
 RED NECK FIRE ALARM
 Click here Click here Click here

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 From: Diks
Golf club guide

 Click here

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From: Diks
 MY NEW  FISHING DOG
 Click here

Can your pet do this?  MY NEW FISHING DOG...........Not sure this is legal
anywhere?

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 From: Diks
 Fishing Ranger Lake north of the Soo...it sure aint Nova Scotia
 Click here
And you thought you were a fisherman...................
Be sure your sound is on.
Your three best doctors are faith, time, and patience...Take time every day
to do something silly.

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 From: Fujitsu Dave
 Click here
"Spot the difference between 1960 and 1992"

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From: Moose
 Suicide bomber on the beach? CAUTION

 Click here

***Boom, Boom?***
Possibly a Muslim who's going to blow herself up?
We're not even safe on the beach anymore!

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From: Moose
Tiger Hunt - AWESOME !!

 Click here

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 From: Moose
 New sponsorship slogan

 Click here

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From: Moose
 Jingle bells

 Click here

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From: Moose
JUST OUT. . . THE 2010 WOMEN OF THE MONTH CALENDAR

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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 Christmas best wishes from Dianne in Melbourne - one of our contributors

 Click here

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 From: Nottingham Smithie
  Let it Snow!!

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

'S'no season like snow season like no season I know...

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From: Sack
 FENDER SKIRTS...HAHA

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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FENDER SKIRTS...HAHA
Any of you remember these....
I  came across this phrase yesterday 'FENDER  SKIRTS.'

A  term I haven't heard in a long time, and thinking about  'fender skirts'
started me thinking about other words that  quietly disappear from our
language with hardly a notice  like 'curb  feelers'

And  'steering knobs.' (AKA) suicide  knob,  Neckers Knobs.

Since  I'd been thinking of cars, my mind naturallywent that  direction
first.
Any  kids will probably have to find some elderly person over  50 to
explain some of these terms to  you.
Remember 'Continental  kits?'
They  were rear bumper extenders and spare tire covers that were  supposed
to make any car as cool as a Lincoln  Continental.

When  did we quit calling them 'emergency  brakes?'
At  some point 'parking  brake' became the proper term. But I miss the hint
of drama that went with 'emergency  brake.'

I'm  sad, too, that almost all the old folks are gone who would  call the
accelerator the 'foot feed.' Many today do not  even know what a  clutch
is or that the dimmer switch used  to be on the floor.
Didn't  you ever wait at the street for your daddy to come home,  so you
could ride the  'running board' up to the  house?

Here's  a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never  anymore
'store-bought.' Of course, just about  everything is store-bought these
days. But once it was  bragging material to have a store-bought dress or a
store-bought bag of candy.

'Coast  to coast' is a phrase that once held all sorts of  excitement and
now means almost nothing. Now we take the  term 'world wide' for granted.
This floors  me.
On  a smaller scale,  'wall-to-wall' was once a magical term in our  homes.
In the '50s, everyone covered his or her hardwood floors with, wow,
wall-to-wall carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their  wall-to-wall
carpeting with hardwood floors. Go  figure.
When's  the last time you heard the quaint phrase 'in a family way? '  It's
hard to imagine that the word 'pregnant' was once  considered a little too
graphic, a little too clinical for  use in polite company, so we had all
that talk about stork  visits and 'being in a family way' or simply
'expecting.'

Apparently 'brassiere' is a  word no longer in usage. I said it the other
day and my  daughter cracked up. I guess it's just 'bra' now.
'Unmentionables' probably wouldn't be understood at  all.

I always loved going to the 'picture show,' but  I considered 'movie' an
affectation.

Most  of these words go back to the '50s, but here's a pure-'60s  word I
came across the other day 'rat fink.' Ooh,  what a nasty put-down!

Here's  a word I miss  'percolator.' That was just a fun word to say.  And
what was it replaced with? 'Coffee maker.' How dull.  Mr. Coffee, I blame
you for this.
I miss those made-up marketing words that  were meant to sound so modern
and now sound so retro.  Words like  'DynaFlow' and 'Electrolux.' 
Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with  'SpectraVision!'

Food  for thought - Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago?   Nobody
complains of that anymore. Maybe that's  what castor  oil cured, because I
never hear mothers  threatening kids with castor oil  anymore.

Some  words aren't gone, but are definitely on the endangered  list. The
one that grieves me most,   'supper.'  Now everybody says 'dinner.' Save a
great word. Invite  someone to supper. Discuss fender skirts

Someone  forwarded this to me. I thought some of us of a 'certain  age'
would remember most of these.


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From: Sack
Amazing picture of a Newfoundland Ice breaker at Work !!!!!!
 Click here

Damned tough them Newfies!

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From: Seasoldier
 Huntings v shooting

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
I was unable to determine just what type of shotguns those were in the
picture.
As I know I'd love to have one, or both, I'm passing this along to some of
my friends who've done some shooting.  Perhaps they'll be able to identify
them, It is so difficult to get a good matched pair nowadays..
Maybe the problem really is whether to go for an over and under, or a side
by side?

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 From: Stumpy Steve
 Scottish advent calendar...........

 Click here


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 From: Stumpy Steve
huge parenting failures....just to show you where some of our kid' s come
from!!!!!!!!!

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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And we wonder what's wrong with kids these days.......................
When you begin to wonder if your parenting skills are up to par


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From: Stumpy Steve
Expect a bad winter
 Click here

Yep, thats what The Farmers Almanac says too!
Expect a bad winter when the beavers have a long coat.

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From: Whizzbang
 Winter Driving warning
 Click here Click here

It happens to all of us...
You're driving along just minding your own business,
when all of a sudden -
 without any warning,
This Dick In A Truck pulls out right in front of you......


  SAFE AND HAPPY DRIVING OUT THERE THIS CHRISTMAS !!!!!!!

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From: Whizzbang
 good advice!
 Click here

THIS IS THE MOST INSPIRATIONAL PIECE OF ADVICE
THAT I CAN GIVE FOR THE FESTIVE SEASON

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From: Whizzbang
  Morwell Coal Seam Fire

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Hi guys, this is what happens when a coal seam catches fire, Morwell is in
Victoria.
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 From: Whizzbang
 CHRISTMAS IS CANCELLED .... and it's all your fault!

 Click here

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 From: Whizzbang
The Flaming Darvaza Hole - Turkministan

 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
 Happy Tits! [XXX]

 Click here
Now here's  a challenge for the girls

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 From: Whizzbang
 HEAVY LIFT BOAT PHOTOS
 Click here

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 From: Whizzbang
 Rat+Trap1-2

 Click here

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 From: Whizzbang
 Went for a ride last night

 Click here

Went for a ride last night now my missus is a little cranky???
I swear I will never figure out women


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 From: Whizzbang
With much affection...

 Click here

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 From: Whizzbang
 Thank you Notes
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here


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 From: Whizzbang
  Village dans la montagne en IRAN

 Click here

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[ End friday humour ]

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