Friday humour - December 04, 2009



[ from Davo at Bluehaze ]


G'day


Well, the Liberal Party of Australia has another new leader ... the third
in just over two years.  It's that wonderful genuine head kicker known to
the plebs as Tony Abbott.

A few months ago he recommended that the Libs should vote to pass the Labor
government's ETS simply for political strategic reasons.  In a desperate
yet successful bid to gain leadership he's now saying that there's no way
he'll allow a Giant Green Tax.  He believes in climate change and will
formulate a policy that achieves lower carbon emissions without costing
one cent.

And elephants are growing on trees.

It's a pity the Liberal Party of Australia didn't change its name to
something more descriptive of its behaviour, rather than again playing
Russian Roulette with its leader.


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First up a couple from Allnutts

                                      The Redhead

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there's a gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table. He's been checking her out since he sat down,
but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass
eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches
out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry,"
the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner
to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the
theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest
dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she
asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for
breakfast. They had a wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy
is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! "You know," he said, "you
are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she
replies.. . ...

Wait for it. ... ...

It's coming. . ... The suspense is killing you, isn't it?

She says...  "You just happened to catch my eye."


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  [ Published for the morons who get off on this stuff ...  - Ed ]


                                     The Bird Feeder

I bought a bird feeder.. I hung it on my patio and filled it lovingly with
seed... It was indeed a beautiful bird feeder.

Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous
flow of free and easily accessible food.

But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above
the table, and next to the barbecue..

Then came the bird sh*t. It was everywhere; on the patio tiles, the chairs,
the table ... everywhere!

Then some of the birds turned mean. They would dive bomb me and try to peck
me even though I had fed them out of my own pocket.

And other birds were boisterous and loud. They sat on the feeder and
squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that
I fill it when it got low on food.

After a while, I couldn't even sit on my own back porch anymore. So I took
down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone. I cleaned up
their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio.

Soon, the back yard was like it used to be ... quiet, serene and no one
demanding their rights to a free meal...

Now let's see ...... Rudd and our government give out free food, subsidised
housing, free medical care, and free education and allows anyone born here
to be an automatic citizen.

Then the illegals came by the millions. Suddenly our taxes went up to pay
for the free services; small flats are housing 5 or more families; you
have to wait 6 hours to be seen by a doctor in an emergency surgery
because it is filled with illegal non tax payers; your child's year 12
class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn't speak
English.

Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to 'press one' to hear my
bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than 'The
Australian flag' are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more
rights and free liberties.

Its just my opinion but: maybe, just maybe, it's time for the government to
take down the damn bird feeder.


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From Kaos-reflex

                                      Ralph and Edna

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't
mean they don't love you with all they have... 

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they
were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into
the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him.  She swam to the bottom and pulled him
out.  When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and
bad news.  The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able
to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the
person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt
right after you saved him.  I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.  How soon
can
I go home?'


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This came from Canadian Muse

                                  Football weekend

Four guys spend weeks planning the perfect football outing for an away game
between the Minnesota Vikings and the Green Bay Packers.

Two days before the group is to leave Frank's wife puts her foot down and
tells him he isn't going. Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go,
but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the stadium site only to find Frank sitting
in his seat with a beer in one hand and a hot dog in the other.

"Damn man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into
letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in
my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and
said
'guess who'?"

I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie.
She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles
and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs and ropes! She told
me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said "Do
whatever you want."

So here I am.


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Some stuff from Smithie of Nottingham


I have been in hospital the past few days and I like haggis as much as the
next man but for 3 days I have had it for breakfast lunch and dinner every
f*cking day!!!

Pissed off I spoke to the nurse and asked for an explanation to which she
replied

"You are in the serious burns unit sir!!"


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A man goes to the library and asks for a book on dwarf s*x.

The librarian shudders and says.... how can you stoop so low?

The man replies.... yes that's the one!...


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Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loves to charge around the
nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed
on the long corridors.

Because she and her fellow residents are one sandwich short of a picnic,
they all tolerate each other, some of the males actually join in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Mad Mike
stepped out of his room with his arm outstretched.

"STOP!" he said in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and
held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird William
popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP!" Have you got proof of
insurance?"
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a beer coaster and held it up to
him.
William nodded and said "Carry on ma'am"

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Bonkers Brian
stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizable (for his
age) erection in his hand. "Oh, no!" said Ethel

"Not the breathalyser again!"


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1. Beer is always wet. Vagina needs a little work. One point to BEER

2. Warm beer tastes awful. One point to VAGINA

3. A really cold beer is satisfying. One point to BEER

4. If after taking a swig of your favourite beer you find a hair between
your teeth, you may vomit. One point to VAGINA

5. If you get home reeking of beer your wife may get mad, make a scene,
kick you out, etc. If you get home reeking of vagina your wife may get
mad, kick you out, even leave you. There's definitely a point to be had
here,
depending on your point of view and personal circ*mstances. I'll just call
it a DRAW for the time being.

6. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten vaginas in one
night and you don't want to drive anywhere. One point to VAGINA

7. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may suffer.
If you eat any vagina in public, you become a legend. One point to VAGINA

8. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If you
smell of vagina he may buy you a beer. One point to VAGINA

9. You normally don't find old beer. One point to BEER

10. Too much beer and you'll think you see flying saucers. Too much vagina
and you'll think you've seen God. One point to VAGINA

11.. Ripping off a beer bottle label is boring. Ripping off panties is fun.
One point to VAGINA

12. In most countries there's a tax on beer. One point to VAGINA

13. If you have another beer the first one never gets ****ed off. One point
to BEER

14. You can always be sure if you're the first one to open a bottle or a
can. One point to BEER

15. If you shake beer it'll get all agitated but eventually it settles
down.
One point to BEER

16. With beer you always have choice: clear, dark, pilsner, ale, lager,
etc.
One point to BEER

1 7. You always know how much beer is going to cost One point to BEER

18. Beer doesn't have a mother One point to BEER

19. Beer never expects to be hugged for half an hour after you drink it.
One point to BEER

20. Tapping a Keg... easy. Tapping a Vagina... may take you weeks. One
Point to BEER

Final Score: 11 BEER, 8 VAGINA


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There is a factory in Birmingham that makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. In
case you didn't know, the toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well,
Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first
day promptly at 8 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up,
putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two
men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so
backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and
they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena
surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2
men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it
around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between
Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of
hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he
says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you
misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday."

"Your job was to give Elmo two test tickles."


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Seasoldier sent these in

                                 Single Black Female

This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to
have been listed in the Atlanta Journal.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a
very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding
in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter
nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of
your hand.
I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what
nature gave me... Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Annie, I'll be
waiting.....

Over 150 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society.

If you don't pass this along, a dog will come out and pee on your keyboard!


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                                    CANADIAN WIVES

Three men married wives from different countries. The first man married a
woman from China. He told her that she was to do their dishes and house
cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to
see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Italy. He gave his wife orders that she
was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't
see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day,
he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge
dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Canada. He ordered her to keep the house
cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the
table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the
second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the
swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and
his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load
the dishwasher.


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                                     The Interview

Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being
interviewed by a French journalist, an animal rights activist. The
discussion came around to deer hunting.

The journalist asked, 'What do you think is the last thought in the head of
a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you
the one who killed my brother?

Nugent replied, 'Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they
care about is, what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next,
and can
I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French.'

The interview ended.


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                            Going fishing - with Seniors

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the
next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his
fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the
gentleman asked the lady, 'Do you want to go up or down?' All of a sudden
the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to
the man right there in the boat ! When they finished, the man couldn't
believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best s*x
that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they
came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady , 'Up or down
?'
There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate
love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing
again the next day. She said yes and there they were the next day, riding
in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly
gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?' The woman replied, 'Down.' A little
puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river
when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady,'Up or
down ?' She replied,
'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, 'What's the deal?
Yesterday,
every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought
the choices were f*ck or drown !!!


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A quickie from The Great Gussius

                                        True Love ...

It was the happiest day of my life.

Arrived at the church, husband waiting at the altar,

Walked up the aisle, kissed him on the cheek, smiled........

And closed the f*cking lid.


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To the pics now, and they're from Diks, Stumpy Steve, The Great Gussius,
Moose, Allnutts, Seasoldier, London Muse, Kaos-reflex, Arfermo, Smithie
from
Sherwood Forest, Sack, and the prolific Whizzbang.


Hippies :)
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Microwave magic
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Great Safety Program
SOME GUYS HAVE ALL THE FUN.
Working at Height - Indonesia
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Are you insured???
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NFL cheer leaders - NSFW!!!!!
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Answering Machine
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Macho Skeet
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Federal Politics Cricket Scores
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A Beer Odyssey
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A bit tipsy!
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Funny Signs n Things
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Fun rubbish
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Africa sunrise
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Carmen
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The Chalk Man is at it again
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SUPER COMPUTER ANIMATION
Just click on the picture below, click on play,
then leave the mouse alone , sit back and enjoy a piece of creative
brilliance.
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Speed Control in Canada
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How to tell if it's cold enough to put up the Christmas decorations
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Sensible Answers To Daft Questions !
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Restaurant in Phoenix
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Timeless advice from ancient China
Confucius say,
"Treat your woman like your vacuum cleaner.
If she stops sucking - replace the old bag."
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AIRBUS A380 trying to take off......
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Windows XP
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CONCERNS FOR THE DAY.
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AGRO For those who remember.......
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Israeli Escape System
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Walk-in fridge
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A pile of goodies from Whizzbang

                                MURDER AT WALMART

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young
husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance
policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to
have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side
underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie then explained to
the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000..

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't
have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened
his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie
sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down
payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart
store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to
strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew
her last breath & slumped to the floor ....... the manager of the produce
department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene Unwilling to leave
any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the
produce manager as well..

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the
hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who
immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he
could even leave the store...

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole
sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless
husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...

(You're going to hate me for this...)

'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WAL-MART!'


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                                  Thought of the day

Fact of Life:

After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F


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                                          Vodka

Someone might be interested

1. To remove a bandage painlessly,

saturatethe bandage with vodka.... The stuff dissolves adhesive.

2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray
bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash
clean.

The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.

3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean
cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and
kills germs.

4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your
safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving.

The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.

5. Spray vodka on wine stains,

scrub with a brush, and then blot dry.

6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face

as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.

7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo.

The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates
the growth of healthy hair.

8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle with vodka

and spray bees or wasps to kill them.

9 Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water into a Ziploc freezer bag

and freeze for a slushy, refreshing ice pack for aches, pain or black eyes.

10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender flowers,

fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the sun for three
days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply the tincture to
aches and pains.

11. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth

to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.

12. To cure foot odor,

wash your feet with vodka.

13 Vodka will disinfect

and alleviate a jellyfish sting.

14. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy

to remove the urushiol oil from your skin.

15. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth.

Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.

And silly me! All this time I've only been drinking the sh*t ! HUMMMMM


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                   WHY MEN DON'T WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS

Dear John

I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my
husband in the house watching TV. My car started stalling and then it
broke down about a mile down the road and I had to walk back to get my
husband's help.
When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the
neighbor's daughter!

I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor's daughter is 19. We have been
married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted
that they had been having an affair for the past six months. He won't go
to counseling and I'm afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can
you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses
on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of
these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself
is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,

John


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Number One Idiot, so far in 2009

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control centre. Today, this woman called in very upset because she
caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the
ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into
the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened
to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to
kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the
emergency room right away..

Number Two Idiot so far in 2009

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a
life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of
the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river,
they noticed a Westpac Rescue Helicopter coming towards them. It turned out
that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that
activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at
Boeing.

Number Three Idiot so far in 2009

A man, wanting to rob a Bank of Queensland , walked into the Branch and
wrote 'Put all your muny in this bag.' While standing in line, waiting to
give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him
write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's
window. So he left the Bank and crossed the street to the NAB Bank. After
waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the teller. She read
it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest
light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his stickup note
because it was written on a Bank of Queensland deposit slip and that he
would either have to fill out a NAB deposit slip or go back to Bank of
Queensland ..
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left. He was arrested a
few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at the Bank of
Queensland . Happened in Noosa!

Number Four Idiot so far in 2009

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of
the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag,
the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the
shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier
refused and said, 'Because I don't believe you are over 21.' The robber
said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she
didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's licence
out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and
agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag.
The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly
called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that she got
off the licence. They arrested the robber two hours later.

Number Five Idiot so far in 2009

A pair of robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The
first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the startled
first bandit shot him..

Number Six Idiot so far in 2009

Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just
throw a brick through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So
he lifted the brick and heaved it over his head at the window. The brick
bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window
was made of Flexi-Glass... The whole event was caught on videotape.. Perth
WA ..

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local McDonalds and ordered a burger.. She asked the
person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but
they only had iceberg.. Happened in Surfers Paradise !!!

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
asked, ''Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He
smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.' Happened in Melbourne .

JUST AN IDIOT :

When my husband and I arrived at a car dealers to pick up our car, we were
told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and
found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I
watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and
discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its
open!' His reply, 'I know - I already done that side.' This was at the FORD
dealership Dubbo.


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                             I PLAY GOLF ON FRIDAYS!

Eileen and her husband Bob went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful
tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had
been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness,
feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she
had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the
therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand,
embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts
and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her
husband
Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!

Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking
in the glow of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at
least three times a week. Can you do this?'

Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on
Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.


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Here's a pile of stuff from Moose

                                       On the Road

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a
Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH. He says to himself,
"this driver is just as dangerous as a speedster!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the Car,
he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seats and
three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't Understand, I
was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know
that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other
drivers.."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit Exactly..
Twenty-two kilometres an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 Was
the highway number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the Woman
grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask.. Is everyone in this car
OK?
These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't made a peep this whole
time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway
162."

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Hard to believe, but many of our customers at the bank still don't know how
to swipe their card through the ATM card reader. Because of this, my fellow
tellers and I often find ourselves having to explain how it's done. One
teller complained that she kept getting odd looks every time she explained
it. I found out why when I overheard her tell one man, "Strip down facing
me."


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I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, So I got my doctor's
permission to Join a fitness club and start exercising.

I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated,
jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.

But, By the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.

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                                   Fun With Words

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

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A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the
house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,

"Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain
stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."


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This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde
jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show
her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a
couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves
for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.
He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a
pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather
jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She
replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to
prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it
by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies
that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said....

You'll love this....

Yep. I know you will...

"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."


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Here's some from Sack

                                        Sunbaking

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to
keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

A woman walked past and said, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd
lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift
itself."


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                                         Revenge....

A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a
flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of 'a
house of ill repute' and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he
wanted.
He said, 'I want to have s*x with one of the women inside. I have the money
to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told
him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls have
any diseases?'

Of course the Madam said 'No'.

The boy said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after
making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want.'

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the
Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.

Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam,
and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the
place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'

He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are
going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.
After they leave, my baby-sitter will have s*x with me because she just
happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease
that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the
baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll
catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed
and have s*x, and Mum will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work,
the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the
disease, and HE'S the pr*ck who ran over my FROG!'


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                                       Stud fees

A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and
knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your Dad
home?" the rancher asked.

"No sir, he isn't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well," said the rancher, "Is your Mother here?"

"No sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the
other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely. "I know where
all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a
message for Dad."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your
Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that,"
he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for
the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for
Howard."


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                                       Perspective

A young couple moves into a new neighborhood. The next morning while they
are eating breakfast, The young woman sees her neighbour hanging the wash
outside. "That laundry is not very clean", she said. "She doesn't know how
to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap." Her husband
looked on, but remained silent.. Every time her neighbour would hang her
wash to dry, The young woman would make the same comments.

About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a Nice clean wash on
the line and said to her husband: "Look, she has learned how to wash
correctly. I wonder who taught her this." The husband said, "I got up
early this morning and Cleaned our windows." And so it is with life. What
we see when watching others Depends on the purity of the window through
which we look


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                                 Quote of the day:

"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm,
she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If
you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile,
she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to
her.
So, if you give her a bit of crap, be ready to receive a ton of sh*t."


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An oldie from Zalaga

                                          Lift Job

An Amish boy and his father were in a shopping mall. They were amazed by
almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that
could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen a lift) responded, "Son, I have never seen
anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady
in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The
walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls
closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above
the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the
numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24- year-old blonde
stepped out!

The father said quietly to his son... "Go get your mother."


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Finally a quickie from Stumpy Steve

                                    Going to Blows

As I was walking home from the pub last night, I was jumped by two blokes.

Even though there were two of them, I still managed to knock one out.

Although in hindsight, it wasn't really the best time to have a wank!


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Quotes of the Week


  "I accept that I, at times, have stuffed up. I also believe that when
   you become leader you make a new start."

  "I probably should, I suppose, apologise now for all my errors of the
   past, and make a clean breast of them, if you like, and ask the
   public to judge me from this point."


                   Tony Abbott - on being elected new Liberal Party leader


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[ End friday humour ]

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