Friday humour - November 27, 2009

[from Steve @ Bluehaze]

Here in Oz we have the only set of politicians in the whole world that
"donít believe in climate change". Seriously, in Australia climate change
has somehow become a religious issue. Something to believe in or not
believe in. Never mind that ALL the rest of the world in now only debating
the size of the impact of climate change, we are still having existential
statements about whether it should be believed in or not. HELLO! Climate
change is a fact. The only discussion is how bad it is going to be.

I sit slack jawed and dumbfounded listening to many of our elected elite,
with their heads firmly planted in the sand, discussing whether they
should even move the deck chairs, because the slope the deck is now on is
only imaginary, if you donít believe in it.

I apologise loud and long to the next generations for the utter idiots we
have collectively elected to lead us into misery. Still, I guess its OK if
heaps of us die of disease, lack of water, and overcrowding, so long as we
have "jobs".

This weeks collection is from Allnutts, Diks, Moose, Nottingham Smithie,
Sack, Seasoldier, Stumpy Steve, Whizzbang. Enjoy!

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One Day At the Bank

An †armed hooded robber bursts into the Texas Bank and forces the tellers
to load a sack full of cash.
†
On his way out the door with the loot a brave Texas customer grabs the hood
and pulls it off revealing the robber's face. The robber

shoots this brave Texan without hesitation!

He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of
the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber shoots him also.
Everyone else, by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

The Robber calls out, "Did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments silence, and then an old man, while still looking
down, tentatively raises his hand and says, "I think my wife may have
caught a glimpse of you."

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Drinking with a hot blonde.

An Indian, an Arab, and a hot gorgeous blonde girl are in the same bar.

When the Indian finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, Pulls
out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says,
'In India , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same
one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the
air, Pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we
don't need to Drink with the same one twice either.'

The blonde girl, cool as a cuc*mber, picks up her beer, Downs it in one
gulp, Throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the
Indian and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and
calling for a refill, she says, 'In Australia we have so many illegal
immigrants that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Fact of life:

After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F!

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The Irish wrestler

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold
medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and
said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's
never lost a match because of this
'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that
hold! If he does, you're finished.'

The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other
several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the
Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the
dreaded pretzel hold A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the
trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't
watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the
crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go
flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman
collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked
'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!'

The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that
hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of
testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last
ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as
hard as I could.'

The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off?'

'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own
balls.

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True Fishing Story

I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran
out of worms.

Then I saw a King Brown with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good cod
bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth,

I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait
bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.

I grabbed my bottle of Bundaberg rum and poured a little rum in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without
incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake back
again with two frogs in his mouth.

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The way it is.

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a
little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by
the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her,
under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square
on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and
the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter, addressing the Harley
rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man
do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind
bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as
I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a
journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the
front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political
affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.' The journalist
leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings
news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.

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A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The
woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and
her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She
asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with.

The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable
discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and
whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she
would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I
have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe
embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, Ill go talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute
best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and £3000 a
month living expenses.

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August 31
Just got transferred with work from grey old London to our new home in
Newman, Western Australia. Now this is a town that knows how to live!
Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from
a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've finally found my
new home. I love it here.

September 13
Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though. Living in
air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see
the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun-worshipper.

September 30th
Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and
rocks. No more mowing lawns for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it
here.

October 10th
The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to
this kind of heat? At least today it's windy though. Keeps the flies off a
bit. Acclimatising is taking longer than I expected.

October 15th
Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over 60% of my
body. Missed three days of work. What a dumb thing to do!
Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

October 20th
Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work
this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died
and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery.
The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat sh*t. I've learned my lesson
though: no more pets in this heat.

October 25
This wind is a b*stard. It feels like a giant f*ckin' blow dryer. And it's
hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man
charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from
f*ckin' Perth.

October 30th
The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the
f*ckin' aircon. Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now.
Bloody $800,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why the hell did I ever
come here?

November 4
Finally got the ol' aircon fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature
down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 30. Stupid
repairman.

November 8
If one more smart a*se says 'Hot enough for you today?', I'm going to
f*ckin' throttle him. F*ckin' heat! By the time I get to work,
the car's radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking f*ckin' wet and
I smell like baked cat!

November 9
Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black
leather upholstery in the ol' car. I thought my f*ckin' ar*e was on fire.
I lost two layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and my
f*ckin' ar*e. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried a*se and baked
cat!

November 10
Weather report! It might as well be a f*ckin' recording. Hot and sunny. Hot
and sunny, Hot and f*ckin' sunny! It's been too hot to do anything for two
f*ckin' months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.
Doesn't it ever rain in this damn f8ckin' place. Water restrictions will
be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the
f*ckin' pool. The only things that thrive in this hell-hole are the
f*ckin' flies. You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half
a dozen of the f*ckers!

November 20th
Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 f*ckin' degrees today. Now the air
conditioner's gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and said, 'Hot
enough for you today?' My wife had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to
bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid f*cker. F*ckin' Newman! What
kind of sick, demented f*ckin' idiot would want to live here!

December 1
WHAT! - The first day of Summer! You are f*ckin' kidding!

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AMERICA has Barak Obama, Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Stevie Wonder.

QUEENSLAND has Anna Bligh, no Cash, no Hope, and no Bloody Wonder!

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The Elevator

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were
amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver
walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never
seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady
in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The
walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The
walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above
the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached
the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped
out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his
son 'Go get your mother.'

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Dear Grim Reaper,

So far this year you have taken away my favourite dancer Michael Jackson,
my favourite actor Patrick Swayze, my favourite singer
Stephen Gately and my favourite actress Farah Fawcett.

Just so you know, my favourite politician is Kevin Rudd.

Regards

Malcolm Turnbull

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A twin-engine plane has one of its engines fail, altitude and air speed are
rapidly decreasing. The pilot speaks over the intercom.
'I'm sorry it had to come to this folks, but unfortunately we're gonna have
to jettison baggage in order for the aircraft to remain airborne.'

Baggage is thrown out, but the plane's speed continues to decrease. Again
the pilot gets on the intercom. 'I hate to have to do this, but now we're
gonna have to start off-loading passengers. The only fair way to do it is
alphabetically, so we'll start with the letter 'A'. 'Africans, any
Africans on board?'

No one answers

'Ok then, 'B'. Black people, any black people?'

Again, silence.

'C' - Coloured people, any Coloured people on board? Silence.

A little black boy in the back turns to his mother. 'But Mom, aren't we
African?, aren't we Black? Aren't we Coloured?' 'Yes son,
but for the purpose of this exercise we is Niggas. Let dem Mexicans and
Muslims go first.'

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The U. S. S. Constitution (Old Ironsides), as a combat vessel, carried
48,600 gallons of fresh water for her crew of 475 officers and men. This
was sufficient to last six months of sustained operations at sea. She
carried no evaporators (i.e. fresh water distillers).

However, let it be noted that according to her ship's log, "On July 27,
1798, the U.S.S. Constitution sailed from Boston with a full complement of
475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water, 7,400 cannon shot,
11,600 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum."

Her mission: "To destroy and harass English shipping."

Making Jamaica on 6 October, she took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300
gallons of rum.

Then she headed for the Azores, arriving there 12 November. She provisioned
with 550 pounds of beef and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine.

On 18 November, she set sail for England. In the ensuing days she defeated
five British men-of-war and captured and scuttled 12
English merchant ships, salvaging only the rum aboard each.

By 26 January, her powder and shot were exhausted. Nevertheless, although
unarmed she made a night raid up the Firth of Clyde in
Scotland. Her landing party captured a whisky distillery and transferred
40,000 gallons of single malt Scotch aboard by dawn. Then she headed home.

The U. S. S. Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February 1799, with no
cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum, no wine, no whisky, and 38,600
gallons of water...

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Even if you don't care about hunting - Gotta Love Ted!!!

Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being
interviewed by a French journalist, an animal rights activist The
discussion came around to deer hunting.

The journalist asked, 'What do you think is the last thought in the head of
a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?'
or is it 'Are you the one who killed my brother?

Nugent replied, 'Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they
care about is, what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next,
and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the
French.'

The interview ended.

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Nominated as the world's Best Short Joke of the Year †

A three year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. 'Mum', he
asked, 'Are these my brains'? †

'Not yet',† she replied!!

†  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

11:11/11/11
 Click here

Jewish Cleaning Lady
 Click here


Police Stop
 Click here

What to do with the rest of 2009
 Click here

Golf after one too many drinks...
 Click here

Just Wanted to Clear Up the Colorado Balloon Incident ...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Electric mower
 Click here

How do you know someone smells?
 Click here

Online Dating - Always ask for more than one photo!
 Click here Click here

Train Systems of the World
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Old Rolls Royce - Mint Condition Body ... [Xish]
 Click here
Here is a beautiful vehicle.
It's amazing how the classic line can still stir ones soul.
I'll never get tired of studying them.
I'm sending this along to you because I would imagine you would also
appreciate the classic lines and beauty, there's no need to thank me,
that's what friends are for.

LeRoy GETS A HARLEY
 Click here
LeRoy better stick with the bus!

A Cowboy's Headstone
 Click here

Ultimate Fix It Job
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Want great Christmas lights but cant afford them?
 Click here

For all you pussy lovers everywhere ...
 Click here

The Other side
 Click here Click here

Scottish wife
 Click here

Pickin - no time for grinnin
 Click here

Word Up!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

This is a very useful tool, may even be the greatest invention ever ...
 Click here
I just want to know where he got it!

Potholes in W.A.
 Click here

Get excited about life!
 Click here

What Would Happen if USA Lost the War?
 Click here

OH & S
 Click here

Caution somewhat
 Click here

Treatment For Migraines [XXX]
 Click here
Everyone who has tried this remedy has had only good results!

Jobs
 Click here

Message from Santa
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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