Friday humour - November 13, 2009

[from Steve @ Bluehaze]

Filling in this week for Burnout who is flatter out than a lizard drinking.
Take some time out to read this week's burnout!

The venerable FH management engaged in a lively feedback dialogue this
week. Please keep those feedbacks coming. How can you expect
FH to get worse if you keep feeding back?

My little tome this week asks you to think about the causes and outcomes of
the GFC or Global Financial Crisis to the acronym uninitiated. Three simple
questions. Whose actions caused it, Who benefitted most from it, and Who
paid for it. Interestingly, the answers to the first two are the same, and
different from the third. The real genuine sceptics amongst us, and I
include myself in that select group, are asking themselves if the
construct was intentional in order to limit the rise of China by painting
them into
US bond performance based corner. If that is so the US will eventually
learn to its detriment that the actions of a totalitarian state are not
the same as a Western corporation based state. No where near as much to
loose. I donít think we have seen anywhere near the worst of this struggle
yet. If you are interested in the subject and can catch a show on ABC1
called Addicted to Money you wont be disappointed.

Contributions from (among others) Biggus, Cartographer Chris, Diks, Duke of
Barsinov, Indigo Flow, Mitta, Moose, Nottingham Smithie,
Sack, Stumpy Steve and Whizbang.

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During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the
following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8
characters long.

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A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed
home.

He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
'Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely
stays at home. I want her to know what I go through. So,
please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.'

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman... He arose, cooked
breakfast for his mate, Awakened the kids, Set out their school clothes,
Fed them breakfast, Packed their lunches, Drove them to school, Came home
and picked up the dry cleaning, Took it to the cleaners And stopped at the
bank to make a deposit, Went grocery shopping, Then drove home to put away
the groceries, Paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the
cat's litter box and bathed the dog.. Then, it was already 1 P.M. And he
hurried to make the beds, Do the laundry, vacuum, Dust, And sweep and mop
the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an
argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the
kids organized to do their homework. Then, set up the ironing board and
watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and
washing vegetables for salad,
breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, He
cleaned the kitchen, Ran the dishwasher, Folded laundry,
Bathed the kids, And put them to bed. At 9 P.M. He was exhausted and,
though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was
expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: -
Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's
being able to stay home all day. Please, Oh! Please,
let us trade back.. Amen!'

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change
things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months,
though. You got pregnant last night..'
†
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[not quite true - Ed.]

Closed Vehicles left in the Sunlight........MUST READ

Please do not turn on A/C as soon as you enter the car. Open the windows
after you enter your car & wait several minutes before turning ON the
air-conditioner.

Here's why: According to a research, the car dashboard, & interior
materials emit Benzene, a Cancer causing toxin (carcinogen) You can
actually observe the smell of heated plastic in your car.

In addition to causing cancer, Benzene poisons your bones, causes anaemia &
reduces white blood cells. Prolonged exposure will cause
Leukaemia, increasing the risk of cancer & may also cause miscarriages..

Acceptable Benzene level indoors is 50 mg per sq. ft. A car parked indoors
with windows closed will contain 400-800 mg of Benzene..
If parked outdoors under the sun at a temperature above 60 degrees F, the
Benzene level goes up to 2000-4000 mg, 40 times the acceptable level.

People who get into the car, keeping windows closed will inevitably inhale,
in quick succession excessive amounts of the toxin.

Benzene is a toxin that affects your kidney & liver. What's worse, it is
extremely difficult for your body to expel this toxic stuff.

So friends, please open the windows & doors of your car - give some time
before you turn on the a/c.

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Two Newfoundlanders were looking at a Sears catalogue and admiring the
models.

One says to the other, 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalo?'

The second one replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the
price!'

The first one says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive. At
this price, I'm buying one.'

The second Newfie smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea! Order one
and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalo, I will get one too.'

Three weeks later, the one Newfie asks his friend, 'Did you ever receive
the girl you ordered

from the Sears catalo?' The second Newfie replies 'No, but it shouldn't be
long now. I got her clothes yesterday!'

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I got this new deodorant today. The instructions said remove cap and push
up bottom. I can hardly walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells
awesome!

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About a month before he died, my grandmother covered my grandfather's back
with lard.

After that, he went downhill very quickly.

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A well-dressed man on a hunting trip takes aim and shoots a duck. But the
fowl drops into a farmer's field and the farmer claims it.
Since both want the bird, the farmer suggests settling it the old-fashioned
way: with a hick-kick.

"I kick you as hard as I can in the crotch, then you do the same to me," he
explains.

"Whoever screams the least gets the duck."

The city man agrees. So the farmer winds up and delivers a crushing blow to
the man's privates.

He collapses to the ground. When he finally manages to stand, he gasps, "My
turn."

"Nah," says the farmer, turning away. "You can keep the duck."

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A woman goes to her doc complaining of excessive flatulence. She tells him
that this started a couple of months ago, it is very embarrassing but
fortunately there is no odour and the farts are silent. Doc examines her
and gives her a prescription, tells her to come back in two weeks.

When she sees him again, she's quite upset and tells him that her farts now
stink to high heaven, absolutely revolting, but at least they are still
silent.

Good, says the doc. Now that we've fixed your sense of smell, we can work
on your hearing!

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Grandad was reminiscing about the good old days...

"When I were a lad, me mother would send me down to t'corner shop wi' a
shilling, and I'd come back wi' five pounds o' potatoes, two loaves o'
bread, three pints o' milk, a pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea, an' 'alf a
dozen eggs.

Ya can't do that now ...

Too many bloody security cameras."

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A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's voice
from the kitchen.

What would you like for dinner Sweetie pie? Chicken, beef or lamb?

He said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

"You should be so lucky". "You're having soup. I was talking to the cat."

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A Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach. He's playing in the
water, she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet, when
all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly
onto the spot where the boy is wading. The water recedes and the boy is no
longer there. He was swept away.

The grandma holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries: "Lord, how could
you? Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother? Haven't I been a wonderful
mother? Haven't I kept a kosher home? Haven't I given to the B'nai B'rith?
Haven't I lit candles every Friday night? Haven't I tried my very best to
live a life that you would be proud of?"

A voice booms from the sky "All right already!" A few minutes later another
huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach.

As the water recedes, the boy is standing there. He is smiling and
splashing around as if nothing ever happened.

The voice booms again. "I have returned you grandson. Are you satisfied?"

She responds, "He had a hat, what did you do with the hat?"

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Boss: Experts say humour on the job relieves tension in this time of
down-sizing. I got one... Knock, Knock.

Employee: Who's there?

Boss: Not you anymore.

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Penguins ~ something I didn't know

Did you ever wonder why you never see dead penguins on the ice in
Antarctica? Ever wonder where they go? Wonder no more.

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives
an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguins have a very strong community bond. They are very committed to
their family and will mate for life.

They also maintain a form of compassionate contact with their offspring
throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family
and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their
vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird
to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the freshly dug grave and
sing ... "freeze a jolly good fellow".

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At Last ... The Aussie Play Station!
 Click here

Coming soon.... Jesus and the Terminator
 Click here

Bellas fotos
 Click here

Frisbee Contest
 Click here

Texting
 Click here

When Autos were Art
 Click here

Facebook For Oldies!
 Click here

Dog for sale
 Click here

Did you get married to the right one?
 Click here

Forgive me
 Click here

Great footwork
 Click here

The fun theory
 Click here

You gotta meet Molly ...
 Click here Click here Click here
Meet Molly. She's a grey speckled pony who was abandoned by her owners when
Hurricane Katrina hit southern Louisiana. She spent weeks on her own before
finally being rescued and taken to a farm where abandoned animals were
stockpiled. While there, she was attacked by a pit bull terrier and almost
died. Her gnawed right front leg became infected, and her vet went to LSU
for help, but
LSU was overwhelmed, and this pony was a welfare case. You know how that
goes.

But after surgeon Rustin Moore met Molly, He changed his mind. He saw how
the pony was careful to lie down on different sides so she didn't seem to
get sores, and how she allowed people to handle her. She protected her
injured leg. She constantly shifted her weight and didn't overload her
good leg.

She was a smart pony with a serious survival ethic.

Moore agreed to remove her leg below the knee, and a temporary artificial
limb was built. Molly walked out of the clinic and her story really begins
there.

'This was the right horse and the right owner,' Moore insists. Molly
happened to be a one-in-a-million patient.

She's tough as nails, but sweet, and she was willing to cope with pain. She
made it obvious she understood that she was in trouble.
The other important factor, according to Moore , is having a truly
committed and compliant owner who is dedicated to providing the daily care
required over the lifetime of the horse.

Halloween Costume
 Click here

Never leave gas bottles in your car
 Click here

Aquaplane
 Click here

Funnies
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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