Friday humour - November 06, 2009

[ from Davo @ Bluehaze ]


Here we go again.  Australia's Liberal Opposition has started another fear
campaign on the horrid plight of refugees.  They won the 2001 election on
this issue following 9/11.

By 2007 the majority of Aussies had had enough of "children overboard",
kids behind razor wire, legitimate asylum seekers perishing in Aussie
built detention centres for over 5 years on Nauru and Manus Island, and
all the xenophobia and prejudice the Howard government had created over
six years.

Last year the Rudd government delivered its mandate in abolishing temporary
protection visas and ending the pathetic Pacific Solution.

The Liberal Opposition voted affirmative on all this legislation, but are
now blaming all the recent boat arrivals on Kevin Rudd.  Yet they refuse
to say what their policy is.

Both sides admonish boat smugglers as if they are the worst criminals in
the world for trying to deliver "illegal immigrants" to our shores.  What
then does that make Qantas?  It brings in heaps more illegal arrivals than
the couple of thousand that arrive by boat, most of whom turn out to be

It would seem to me that most "smugglers" are simply trying to supply a
service to desperate people who are willing to take a chance rather than
suffer persecution any more.  And it should be remembered that the
smugglers are taking a huge risk too in that they are prepared to go down
with their dilapidated fishing boats.  It's more than you can say for the
captains of
Qantas flights.

I was pleased to see my local Labor member have a go at PM Rudd for
continually talking of illegal immigrants.  They are not illegal until
proven so, and 95% usually turn out to be refugees according to the UNHCR.
It's at least "nice" that both Rudd and Turncoat are now referring to these
PEOPLE (human beings!) as asylum seekers.

It's interesting to see Labor suddenly lose 7% of its popularity in this
weeks Newspoll.  Many voters are disappointed in PM Rudd for the first
And it's not that hard to work out why.  Rudd is trying to walk both sides
of the street ... being both tough and humane at the same time.  It's
simply not possible.  The Libs have been doing so much of this since the
2007 election and are in a dreadful policy mess on heaps of issues.

We voted Rudd in on fresh new leadership.  On the refugee issue the
majority wanted a change from Howard's mean and nasty policies.  This is
the perfect issue where Rudd should lead!  He's still very popular, and
he's talking of
Oz increasing its population massively in the next few decades.  He should
try and educate Aussies on how much we owe to so many immigrants from so
many countries in the last 50 years.  He should talk of our responsibly as
a first world country to accept asylum seekers according to our signed
obligations.  For the first time he's all over the shop ... just like the
Libs and the Nats.

It's not a good look.

It's been slim pickings this week.  We seem to have the average number of
visual contributions from FH readers, but hardly any asccii jokes ... and
not even one from our prolific Whizzbang.  So I've delved through the
archives and pulled our a few from times past.


First this week, these from Stumpy Steve

                                    Random Musings

I'm not normally suspicious but the wife told me yesterday that Gavin from
Autoglass came round and injected that special resin into her crack.....
she hasn't even got a car!!

I hate crushing pills up and putting them in my Gran's dinner. I feel
sneaky, but if I ever got her pregnant I wouldn't be able to forgive

Matt Lucas's ex-partner hanged himself resently. Matt is said to be
distraught but on a lighter note, is now the only gay in the village.

A little girl walks into her parents' bedroom.

" Holy F**k" she screams "And YOU want ME to see a doctor about sucking my

Wee Irish boy crying by the side of the road.

A man asks "What's wrong?"

Boy says "Me Ma is dead"

"Oh bejaysus" the man says "Do you want me to get Father O'Riley ?"

Wee boy replies"No thanks Mister, s*x is the last ting on me mind roight

Once upon a time a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" . The girl said
"No" and she lived happily ever after. She went shopping, drank vodka with
friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a wardrobe full
of shoes and bags, stayed skinny and was never farted upon. The End.

Just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to
the starving people of the world. Told them to " F**k Off". Anyone who
fits into my clothes isn't starving!!!

Turned on my SatNav and it said 'Bear Left' and there was the zoo. How good
is that?

Japanese scientists have now created a digital camera with such a fast
speed that it's now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her gob

Man lost in a hot air ballon over Ireland . He looks down and sees a farmer
and shouts to him, "Where am I?"

The Irish farmer looks up and shouts back "You can't kid me ya bastard,
you're in that feckin basket!"

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could
look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think " I'm f**king
having that!"


Paddy is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He dials 999.

Paddy says "It's my wife, I've accidentally shot her. I've killed her"

Operator "Please calm down sir. Can you first make sure she really is


Paddy "OK, done that, what next?


My nephew came home with a sofa and two chairs.

"How many times do I have to tell you" I said.

"Never accept suites from strangers".


This was from  Kaos_reflex

                                 Baked stuffed chicken:

When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who
are just never sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not
dried out.
Give this a try:
BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN ·         1 medium size chicken ·         1 cup
melted butter ·         1 cup pre made stuffing mix ·         1 cup
uncooked popcorn ·         Salt/pepper to taste   ·         Preheat oven
to 350 degrees.
·         Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt, and pepper.
·         Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn (mixed together).
·         Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back    of the
·         Listen for the popping sounds.
  ·         When the chicken's ar*e blows the oven door off and the chicken
flies across the room, it is done.
And you thought I couldn't cook.


And from Nottingham Smithie

                             The TWO WOODPECKERS:

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about
which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico
had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole
in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a
tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by
woodpeckers) . The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do
it and accepted the challenge.

The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the
so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian
woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker
was able to peck the Canadian tree? But neither was able to peck the tree
in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:

Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.


                                   When I was a kid

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious
stories about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with
walking twenty-five miles to school every morning... uphill... barefoot...
BOTH ways! Yadda, yadda, yadda...

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in
hell I was going to lay a bunch of cr'p like that on kids about how hard I
had it and how easy they've got it! But now that... I'm over the ripe old
age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.
You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn

And I hate to say it but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got
it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the 'Internet'. If we wanted to
know something, We had to go to the damn library and look it up
in a book!!! There was no email, We had to actually write somebody a
... with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put
it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there! Child
Protection Services didn't care if our parents or teachers beat us. As a
matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick
our a's! Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3' s or iTunes, You wanted to steal music..., you had to
hitchhike to the damn record store and teef it yourself! Or you had to
wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk
over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had
tape decks.
We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished and the tape would
come undone, all chewed an' sh; t!

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and
somebody else called they got a busy signal - that's it! And we didn't
have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it
was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your Bookie, your drug
dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up
and take your chances, mister! We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstations
or Wii games with high-resolution
3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and
'asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your
imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just
one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting
harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a 'TV Guide' to find out what was on!
You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your
ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel! There was no Cartoon
Network either! You could only get cartoons on Sat*rday Morning. Do you
hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled
little rat-b'stards!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to
use the stove .... Imagine that!

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy.

You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or


                                       New Pastor

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store.
As he waited, he was approached by a man called Terry who asked, "Son, can
you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla
blocks and turn to your right."

Terry thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd
like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to

The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't even
know the way to the Post Office, you w@nker".


This is a serious contribution from Muse in London, Canada

"To my pals at Friday Humour: This isn't funny material, but you are soooo
activist under your smiley faces, I thought I would give it a shot. If you
don't run it, that's okay, I will still love you forever."  -Muse

                                            [ We love you too Muse  - Ed ]

                        Possibly my last email on H1N1

For those of you who were not included in my first email on H1N1, this may
take time but it's a good video interview with BARB LOE FISHER, Founder of
the National Vaccine Information Center in the US) is worth watching,
particularly if you wish to make an informed decision about H1N1

 Click here


Andrew Urban sent this in for TonyS' first issue of FH in 1997

               Some insights from comedian Steven Wright

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house
and four people died.

When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only
child. . .eventually.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the
same room and let them fight it out.

I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.

I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep
it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He
said "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "the middle of August?

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing
"Happy Birthday".

It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

I was hitchhiking the other day, and a hear*e stopped. I said, "No thanks -
I'm not going that far."

Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller


From the defunct Deviates list in Perth (which Tony subtly called The
Westerly List)

A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years
old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an
affair, and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them.  Twice."

The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in

"Never Father, I'm Jewish."

"So then, why are you telling me?"

"I'm telling everybody."



King Arthur was getting ready to go on a Quest. He was worried about
Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So
he went to Merlin for some advice. After explaining his predicament to
the wizard looked thoughtful and said to come back in a week and he'd see
if he could come up with something.

A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the good
wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt...
except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.  "This is no
good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening.  How is this
supposed to protect milady, the Queen?"

"Ah, sire, just observe," said Merlin as he searched his cluttered work
bench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most
worn out wand. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity
belt where upon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in

"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch, "Now I can leave,
knowing that my Queen is fully protected."

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his
Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot.  Immediately he
assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their
trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection.

Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in
some way. All of them except Sir Galahad. "Sir Galahad", exclaimed King
Arthur, "The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have
been true to me.

What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"

"Mmmphmp," said Sir Galahad.


               Quotes From Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Those are my principles.  If you don't like them I have others.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool
you.  He really is an idiot.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

A child of five could understand this.  Fetch me a child of five.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed
with laughter.  Someday I intend reading it.

Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water!

You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?

You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to
get rid of it.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pyjamas.  How he got into my pyjamas
I'll never know.

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.

I must say that I find television very educational.  The minute somebody
turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all.

I was married by a judge.  I should have asked for a jury.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honour; which is probably
more than she ever did.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

After his introduction on a music/variety show, Groucho and the host both
sat down at center stage.
  Host: "I'm a big fan of yours, Groucho."
  Groucho: "If it gets any hotter in here I could use a big fan."

Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?

Time wounds all heels.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you.  In fact, she reminds me more of
you than you do!

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and
so will my wife.

Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water!
And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them
like apple-sauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does.  Now,
uh... Now you tell me what you know.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment
when you came along.

Whatever it is,... I'm against it.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.  Inside of a dog, it's too
dark to read.

Quote me as saying I was misquoted.


This weeks AV stuff is from Diks, Seasoldier, Nottingham Smithie,
Kaos-reflex, Stumpy Steve, Mad Mick from Marwick, Croydon Caz, Biggus, and
you know who you are ...

Absolutley cool photos
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How's this for water colour?
I like painting wet on wet myself, but never thought of using a scraper to
recover highlights or white areas.
 Click here

Trick or kibbles
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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Very Fine Art needs touching up....
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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An Amazing Grizzly Bear
This guy found these 2 grizzly cubs with the dead mother in Alaska ... One
cub survived and he managed to raise it to maturity. You can see how his
family interacted with the bear as it matured. Look at the size he has
grown to. The bear must feel he's another pet (notice the honored guest at
Thanksgiving dinner) and the humans are his
"family". He's housebroken, very gentle and comes and goes as he desires.
Can you imagine having something like this as a pet? You certainly wouldn't
have to worry about someone breaking into your house if you happened to be
gone for a few days would you?
 Click here

 Click here

This is really cool!
A Navy F/A-18F Super Hornet crew got permission for a low-level
demonstration flight, as part of the opening ceremony for a speedboat race
on the Detroit River , last weekend.. This is the moment a US Navy pilot
gave a shocked resident a very close look at his F18 when the
fighter/bomber streaked past an apartment building. It was part of a
tactical demonstration fly-by to open a speedboat race. Officials waived
rules to allow the Navy flyers to swoop under 100ft along the waterway.
 Click here Click here

Happy Halloween
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Boat Trip Through Germany ...
 Click here

My Doc*ments Folders of the AFL
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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The trunk monkey returns
 Click here

Coffee Mona Lisa
Artist assistants stand next to 3,604 cups of coffee which have been made
into a giant Mona Lisa in Sydney, Australia. The 3,604 cups of coffee were
each filled with different amounts of milk to create the different shades!!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Technical Stuff (Why NWA 188 Missed MSP)
As some of you know my cousin retired from Delta after 40 years of lead
mechanic at Salt Lake City, Utah.
Here is his anaylsis of the NWA 188 mishap last week.
 Click here

Halloween Costume For Car People
 Click here

Oh dear, they forgot about the sun when designing this wall!
 Click here

T shirts,
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Little Construction Project
Here are some pictures of a little construction project nearing completion
about 33 miles from my house. It's the Hoover Dam highway bypass that will
take the interstate traffic off the narrow top of the dam. Pretty cool, eh?
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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This explains everything!!
 Click here

Italian Auction
 Click here

Truly User Friendly Software at Last!
'Windaes Twa Thoosan' ® ('Glesga Edishun')
Hoaw, by the way! Micro$oft wants to help YOU in Glesga. Dinnae be forced
tae use confusing Englified software apps. Due to be released before the
Fair Fortnight, the 'Glesga' Ediion of Windows 2000, entitled Windies Twa
Thoosan' ® will hit the Barras.
Feel at ease straight away ! The traditional "Start" button has been
replaced with a more familiar term
The "Recycle Bin" has been renamed to something more fitting:
While the "Internet Explorer" now has a more recognisable title:
Nae mair fanny-boy names like "My Doc*ments". Windaes Twa Thoosan' tells it
like it is:
An' "C:\ drive" (wits that then?) is now called something a wee bit merr
"Yes", "No" & "Cancel" are no longer used.
Several exclusive programmes have been included with 'Windaes Twa Thoosan'
The cullurin in book lets ye dae yer ain pictchurs. Sums lets ye add things
up an' gies ye the rite anser, an' the tipe riter lets ye tipe letturs tae
yer pals ( 'n' it even cheks yer spelin, bye the way! ).
The computer no longer makes you click an American "OK" but a proper
"Aye.. aw right"
Don't be a big diddie, if yae don't know how tae dae somethin' the "Help"
facility has been replaced with a merr 'Glesga' friendly version
The "Control Panel" now has a new name along with some internal settings.
Tips for 'Glaswegian' users: If you make a typing error, use the backspace
to replace the "wrang yin" Note: Tippex® is hard to clean off the screen
Get yer ane copy the day (before the bizzies come) Available the noo at the
Only two weeks dole money.
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So you think you're tough .............. eh !?  [ XXX ]
 Click here

The winner of Africa's got talent    [ XXX ]
 Click here

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From Biggus (aka Fifi)
                                      New Account

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window,
"I want to open a f*cking cheque account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir.  I must have
misunderstood you.  What did you say?"

"Listen up, dammit.  I said I want to open a f*cking checking account...

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this

The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform
him of her situation.  The manager agrees that the teller does not have to
listen to foul language.  They both return to the window and the manager
asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no f*cking problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks
in the f*cking lottery and I want to open a f*cking checking account in
this f*cking bank, okay?"

"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"


From a Northerly person at QCAT

                                         Blow Job

A blonde was driving home and got caught in a really bad hailstorm.  Her
car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the repair

The shop owner saw that she was a blonde and decided to have some fun.  He
told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard and all
the dents would pop out.  So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands
and knees and started blowing into her tail pipe.

Nothing happened.  She blew a little harder and still nothing happened.

Her room mate, also a blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow in
the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

Her blonde room mate rolled her eyes and said, "Duh!  Hello??  Don't you
know that you need to roll up the windows first!"


An oldie from Wellington Ben

                                      HI HO SILVER!

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were at the bar drinking when in walks a cowboy
who yells, "Who's white horse is that outside?"

The Lone Ranger finishes off his whisky, slams down the glass, turns and
"It's my horse.  Why do you want to know?"

The cowboy looks and him and says, "Well, your horse is standing there in
the sun and he don't look too good."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto run outside and they see that Silver is in bad
shape, suffering from heat exhaustion.  The Lone Ranger moves his horse
into the shade and gets a bucket of water.  He then pours some of the
water over the horse and gives the rest to Silver to drink.  It is then he
notices that there isn't a breeze so he asks Tonto if he would start
running around
Silver to get some air flowing and perhaps cool him down.  Being a faithful
Tonto starts running around Silver.

The Lone Ranger stands there for a bit then realises there is not much more
he can do, so he goes back into the bar and orders another whisky.

After a bit a cowboy walks in and says, "Who's white horse is that
outside?"  Slowly the Lone Ranger turns around and says, "That is my
what is wrong with him now?"

"Nothing," replies the cowboy, "I just wanted to let you know that you left
your Injun running."


Finally an oldie from Digi Maria

                                        Firming Up

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched
her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your
control top pantyhose."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts
and said "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by
his penis.

With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up,
we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the poolman and your


Quote of the Week:

  "It is disloyal.  Costello was a policy bum of the first order who
   squandered 11 years of economic opportunity."

Former Labor PM Paul Keating
(on Peter Costello's appointment as Director on the Future Fund)


                               Ed's Prediction ...

  PM Kevin Rudd will rue the day he put the lunatic on the board
  of the asylum.



[ End friday humour ]

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