Friday humour - October 30, 2009


[from Steve @ Bluehaze]

Please please please, will somebody PLEASE give us an alternative to vote
for ...

The offerings this week come courtesy of Burnout, Cartographer Chris, Digi
Maria, Diks, Nottingham Smithie, Stumpy Steve, Great
Gussius, Moose, Muse, Whizzbang and Zalaga et al.

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GREAT DOG STORY.....

They told me the big black Lab's name was Reggie as I looked at him lying
in his pen, the shelter was clean, no-kill, and the people really
friendly. I'd only been in the area for six months, but everywhere I went
in the small college town, people were welcoming and open. Everyone waves
when you pass them on the street.

But something was still missing as I attempted to settle in to my new life
here, and I thought a dog couldn't hurt. Give me someone to talk to. And I
had just seen Reggie's advertisement on the local news. The shelter said
they had received numerous calls right after, but they said the people who
had come down to see him just didn't look like "Lab people," whatever that
meant.
They must've thought I did.

But at first, I thought the shelter had misjudged me in giving me Reggie
and his things, which consisted of a dog pad, bag of toys almost all of
which were brand new tennis balls, his dishes, and a sealed letter from
his previous owner. See, Reggie and I didn't really hit it off when we got
home. We struggled for two weeks (which is how long the shelter told me to
give him to adjust to his new home). Maybe it was the fact that I was
trying to adjust, too. Maybe we were too much alike.

For some reason, his stuff (except for the tennis balls - he wouldn't go
anywhere without two stuffed in his mouth) got tossed in with all of my
other unpacked boxes. I guess I didn't really think he'd need all his old
stuff, that I'd get him new things once he settled in, but it became
pretty clear pretty soon that he wasn't going to.

I tried the normal commands the shelter told me he knew, ones like "sit"
and "stay" and "come" and "heel," and he'd follow them -
when he felt like it. He never really seemed to listen when I called his
name - sure, he'd look in my direction after the fourth of fifth time I
said it, but then he'd just go back to doing whatever. When I'd ask again,
you could almost see him sigh and then grudgingly obey.

This just wasn't going to work. He chewed a couple shoes and some unpacked
boxes. I was a little too stern with him and he resented it, I could tell.
The friction got so bad that I couldn't wait for the two weeks to be up,
and when it was, I was in full-on search mode for my cell phone amid all
of my unpacked stuff. I remembered leaving it on the stack of boxes for
the guest room, but I also mumbled, rather cynically, that the "dog
probably hid it on me."

Finally I found it, but before I could punch up the shelter's number, I
also found his pad and other toys from the shelter. I tossed the pad in
Reggie's direction and he snuffed it and wagged, some of the most
enthusiasm I'd seen since bringing him home. But then I called, "Hey,
Reggie, you like that? Come here and I'll give you a treat." Instead, he
sort of glanced in my direction -
maybe "glared" is more accurate - and then gave a discontented sigh and
flopped down. With his back to me.

Well, that's not going to do it either, I thought. And I punched the
shelter phone number.

But I hung up when I saw the sealed envelope. I had completely forgotten
about that, too. "Okay, Reggie," I said out loud, "let's see if your
previous owner has any advice.".........
_______________________________________

To Whoever Gets My Dog:

Well, I can't say that I'm happy you're reading this, a letter I told the
shelter could only be opened by Reggie's new owner. I'm not even happy
writing it. If you're reading this, it means I just got back from my last
car ride with my Lab after dropping him off at the shelter. He knew
something was different. I have packed up his pad and toys before and set
them by the back door before a trip, but this time... it's like he knew
something was wrong. And something is wrong... which is why I have to try
to make it right.

So let me tell you about my Lab in the hopes that it will help you bond
with him and he with you.

First, he loves tennis balls, the more the merrier.

Sometimes I think he's part squirrel, the way he hordes them.

He usually always has two in his mouth, and he tries to get a third in
there. Hasn't done it yet. Doesn't matter where you throw them,

he'll bound after it, so be careful - really don't do it by any roads.

I made that mistake once, and it almost cost him dearly.

Next, commands. Maybe the shelter staff already told you, but I'll go over
them again: Reggie knows the obvious ones - "sit,"
"stay," "come," "heel." He knows hand signals: "back" to turn around and go
back when you put your hand straight up; and "over" if you put your hand
out right or left. "Shake" for shaking water off, and "paw" for a
high-five. He does "down" when he feels like lying down - I bet you could
work on that with him some more. He knows "ball" and "food" and "bone" and
"treat" like nobody's business.

I trained Reggie with small food treats. Nothing opens his ears like little
pieces of hot dog.

Feeding schedule: twice a day, once about seven in the morning, and again
at six in the evening. Regular store-bought stuff; the shelter has the
brand.

He's up on his shots. Call the clinic on 9th Street and update his info
with yours; they'll make sure to send you reminders for when he's due. Be
forewarned: Reggie hates the vet. Good luck getting him in the car - I
don't know how he knows when it's time to go to the vet, but he knows.

Finally, give him some time. I've never been married, so it's only been
Reggie and me for his whole life. He's gone everywhere with me, so please
include him on your daily car rides if you can. He sits well in the
backseat, and he doesn't bark or complain. He just loves to be around
people, and me most especially.

Which means that this transition is going to be hard, with him going to
live with someone new.

And that's why I need to share one more bit of info with you....

His name's not Reggie.

I don't know what made me do it, but when I dropped him off at the shelter,
I told them his name was Reggie. He's a smart dog, he'll get used to it and
will respond to it, of that I have no doubt, but I just couldn't bear to
give them his real name. For me to do that, it seemed so final, that
handing him over to the shelter was as good as me admitting that I'd never
see him again. And if I end up coming back, getting him, and tearing up
this letter, it means everything's fine. But if someone else is reading
it, well..
well it means that his new owner should know his real name. It'll help you
bond with him. Who knows, maybe you'll even notice a change in his
demeanor if he's been giving you problems.

His real name is Tank. Because that is what I drive.

Again, if you're reading this and you're from the area, maybe my name has
been on the news. I told the shelter that they couldn't make "Reggie"
available for adoption until they received word from my company commander.
See, my parents are gone, I have no siblings, no one I could've left Tank
with... And it was my only real request of the Army upon my deployment to
Iraq , that they make one phone call to the shelter... in the "event"...
To tell them that Tank could be put up for adoption. Luckily, my colonel
is a dog guy, too, and he knew where my platoon was headed. He said he'd
do it personally. And if you're reading this, then he made good on his
word.

And now I hope and pray that you make him part of your family and that he
will adjust and come to love you the same way he loved me.

All right, that's enough. I deploy this evening and have to drop this
letter off at the shelter. I don't think I'll say another good-bye to
Tank, though. I cried too much the first time. Maybe I'll peek in on him
and see if he finally got that third tennis ball in his mouth.

Good luck with Tank. Give him a good home, and give him an extra kiss
goodnight - every night - from me.

Thank you, Paul Mallory
_____________________________________

I folded the letter and slipped it back in the envelope. Sure I had heard
of Paul Mallory, everyone in town knew him, even new people like me. Local
kid, killed in Iraq a few months ago and posthumously earning the Silver
Star when he gave his life to save three buddies. Flags had been at
half-mast all summer.

I leaned forward in my chair and rested my elbows on my knees, staring at
the dog.

"Hey, Tank," I said quietly. The dog's head whipped up, his ears c*cked and
his eyes bright. "C'mere boy."

He was instantly on his feet, his nails clicking on the hardwood floor. He
sat in front of me, his head tilted, searching for the name he hadn't
heard in months. "Tank," I whispered. His tail swished.

I kept whispering his name, over and over, and each time, his ears lowered,
his eyes softened, and his posture relaxed as a wave of contentment just
seemed to flood him. I stroked his ears, rubbed his shoulders, buried my
face into his scruff and hugged him.

"It's me now, Tank, just you and me. Your old pal gave you to me." Tank
reached up and licked my cheek. "So whatdaya say we play some ball? His
ears perked again. "Yeah? Ball? You like that? Ball?" Tank tore from my
hands and disappeared in the next room.

And when he came back, he had three tennis balls in his mouth.

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Have a giggle but keep your kids away from Scientology.
 Click here

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I just signed my dog up for the dole. He should be eligible!
He's black, lazy, can't speak English & has no f*cking idea who his†father
is ...

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The Itch.

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the
Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the
penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he
had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the
Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said
that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it
would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little
bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the
itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal
Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen
that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type
of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work
as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.
Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put
into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on
the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was
eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon
returning to his chamber,
Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins.

With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and,
knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a
laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder
into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned
Nick.

The moral of the story ...

Pay your bills!

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Jeff Gordon fires entire pit crew.

This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of President
Obama's proposal to employ Harlem youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent doc*mentary on how
unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less
than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew
could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech
equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team
as most races are won or lost in the pits.

At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew
able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they
had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to
Dale Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff
Gordon's wife in the shower.

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Waiting in line at the Pearly Gates

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a
guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so that I may know
whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Peter Pilot, retired American Airlines Pilot from
Dallas."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take this
silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom." The pilot goes into
Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Father
Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the last 43 years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, "Take this cotton
robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the good father, "that man was a pilot and he gets a
silken robe and golden staff, and I get only cotton and wood. How can this
be?"

"Up here we go by results," says Saint Peter, "when you preached people
slept; when he flew people prayed."

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During a recent password audit it was found that a blonde had an unusually
long password:

"mickeyminnieplutoheweydeweydonalygoofy"

When asked why such a big password she said the instructions said it needed
to be eight characters long.

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Q. Whats the definition of trust?
A. Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.

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True friendship Scottish Style ...

When yer sad I'll help you get pished n get the bastard who upset ye.
When yer blue I will try and dislodge whatever is chocking ye.
When yer scared I will take the pish oot ye every chance i get until yer
no.
When yer worried I will tell ye tae stop moaning.
When yer sick stay the f*ck away from me.
When ye fall I'll laugh ma heid aff, but I'll help ye up all the same.
This is my oath and I pledge it tae the end.
Why you may ask?
Cause yer ma friend.

Send this tae 10 of yer closest friends, then get depressed cause ye can
only think of 4

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This week in the news ...

Budgies flock to outback town.

A far-western Queensland mayor says it has been more than a decade since he
has seen so many budgerigars flying in outback skies.

Boulia Mayor Rick Britton says massive flooding earlier this year has meant
ideal breeding conditions and plentiful food supplies for the birds. He
says it is providing a glorious sight for locals and visitors.

"They are in flocks of probably 1,000 to 3,000 of them and there's up to
five or six different flocks of the little flockers," he said.

"When you look out on the horizon, you'd think that it was a smoke coming
off a fire until you see that it's just manoeuvring just above the horizon
and it's just like a wave of birds, which of course is exactly what it is."

Police intelligence reports indicate Budgy smugglers are likely in record
numbers.
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'Child may die' warning was not investigated

Child protection workers did not investigate a warning from a senior
paediatrician that if they did not act, a child could die.

The letter from a hospital's director of paediatrics, to the Department of
Health and Families could not be clearer.

It is about a child that keeps being brought to hospital with severe
malnutrition. It explains that if the boy goes back to live with his
parents, he will be at extreme risk. The letter says "failure to act
promptly on this ... may result in this child dying."

Seventy three years later the child did in fact die, proving the good
doctor correct.

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Lazy bank customers cost themselves billions.

A new report has found Australians are costing themselves up to $6.1
billion a year by getting shafted by the big bank's offerings.

The report by analysts InfoChoice examines the cost difference between
mortgage, car loan, credit card and savings products offered by the big
four banks and the four most competitive products offered by other
financial institutions.

It reveals Australian consumers could save $5.4 billion on their home
loans, $257 million on credit cards and $482 on other personal lending if
they shopped around for the lowest interest rates and fees. The report
went on to say they could save even more by not borrowing in the first
place.

In a related report, Australians cost themselves over two trillion dollars
last year alone. They trusted in superannuation. From big things, little
things grow.

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Kakadu 'vulnerable' to climate change

A federal parliamentary committee of retards is calling for urgent research
into the threat climate change poses to Kakadu National
Park. Over the past 18 months, the climate change committee has studied the
effect of rising sea levels on Australia. They now believe we will get our
feet wet.

While coastal areas appear to be the worst hit, it found Kakadu National
Park is particularly vulnerable to saltwater intrusion,
posing a significant threat to its freshwater wetland system," the
committee's report says.

The committee says there has been no detailed assessment of what impact
climate change could have on Kakadu.There is no need for additional
research. We know an Ice Age is coming to turn Kakadu into another Great
Barrier Reef.

It recommends a detailed climate change vulnerability assessment in
consultation with traditional owners including Aboriginals,
Dinosaurs, Amoebas and bacterial representatives. That process should bog
things down until we are up to our necks in effluent.

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This week in the news ...

Taser me, says SA Opposition leader.

South Australian Opposition leader Isobel Redmond has offered to be tasered
to prove the worth of the electrical stun guns for police.

The state's police force is currently conducting a review of the devices
ahead of a recommendation on their use across the state.

The State Government says if police want Tasers, they will get them.

Ms Redmond says Tasers are much safer than guns, and she has proposed
police be provided with 500 of them.

She says she is prepared to be tasered herself if it will help her
argument. So far the queue of volunteers offering to taser Ms
Redmond extends from the Rundle St Mall half way to Glenelg.

-----------------

Sex scandal claims 'discredited'

The Federal Opposition says the Government and the Navy have let down three
sailors accused of a s*x scandal.

Opposition defence spokesman David Johnston says claims that the three ran
a book on how many female sailors they could sleep with have been
discredited.

He has accused Prime Minister Kevin Rudd and Deputy Prime Minister Julia
Gillard of making ill-informed comments when the original story hit the
headlines.

Suggestions that neither Rudd nor Gillard could get a root in a knock shop
were also discredited.

And he says five months after the claim was made the sailors are stiff and
waiting to be officially cleared.

-----------------------

Anger over lifting of mad cow import ban.

The Federal Government's decision to relax restrictions on beef imports has
come under fire from the Opposition.

American and British beef could find its way back into Australia for the
first time in 13 years with the relaxation of an import ban which was
originally introduced to fight the spread of mad cow disease (bovine
spongiform encephalopathy, or BSE).

As of March next year, the Government will allow imports of beef from
countries where there had been cases of the disease.

Australia's chief medical officer, Professor Jim Bishop, says there is no
risk to humans.

"Experts that have reviewed this have said that the risk is something like
40 million times less than the risk from motor car accidents while sitting
in Maccas chewing on a burger," he said.

"It's a negligible risk and about as negligible as my understanding of
basis mathematics. I have established that zero does not equal zero, and
thatís that! He cried in delight

The fact of the matter is that science has moved on." The major problem is
that we will almost certainly have more mad cows in parliament after the
next federal election.

He was then carried out in a leather lined straight jacket.

-------------------------------

Take this watch and shove it, Minister told.

The Northern Territory Opposition has presented the Essential Services
Minister, Rob Knight, with a gold watch and a jar of petroleum jelly on
behalf of a disgruntled former public servant.

The Opposition's essential services spokesman, John Elferink, told
Parliament a retired public servant with frustrations about working at the
Power and Water Corporation wanted to hand back the gold watch he was given
to mark his retirement, along with a jar of petroleum jelly.

"You have staff so disgruntled when they retire, they simply want to be
downright rude to their employer by insinuating what they can do with
their gold watches," Mr Elferink said.

But Mr Knight says it is an Opposition stunt. It was his policy not to mix
business with pleasure, so he would return the watch for a refund.

The minister made no mention of returning the king size jar of vaseline.

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Stay

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping centre and
rolled Down the car windows to make sure my Labrador
Retriever Pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat And I wanted to impress upon
her that she must remain there.

I walked to the curb backward, Pointing my finger at the car and saying
emphatically, 'Now you stay. Do you hear me?' 'Stay! Stay!'

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, Gave me a strange
look and said,

'Why don't you just put it in PARK?'

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What guys do for fun ...
 Click here
How it sometimes is done ... poorly:
 Click here

Some interesting art
 Click here

Chrysanthemums in Germany
 Click here

Waiting room at the gynaecologist in Copenhagen, Denmark
 Click here

Truly Stupid Driver
 Click here

Motivations ...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Disabled Person
 Click here

Best feeling ever?
 Click here

Corn maze for blondes.
 Click here

Homer Simpson [XXX]
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Sounds of the 60s
 Click here

Have another drink...
 Click here

Resplect
 Click here

Gunfight
 Click here

My sweet husband invited me to go hunting with him this year. I couldn't
believe it...the first time ever! I never thought he'd be willing to share
his 'guy time' with me. And being the thoughtful man that he is, he even
gave me an opening day present. He calls it 'The First Timers Lucky Hat'.
I'm so fortunate to be married to him. I have attached a picture of me in
my lucky hat:
 Click here

797 Failure Front End
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Photos of bushfires in Rocky
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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Big fella - Oh Dear Lord
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Bike thief ...
 Click here

25 Passive Aggressive Office Kitchen Notes
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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End of the year
 Click here

Perception Graphs
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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Strangest Canned Foods - YUCK
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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Motivationals: Some old, some new
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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The Dramatic Struggle for Life
Graphic footageof the first ever elephant birth filmed in Bali, Indonesia .
The founder of the Elephant Safari Park at Taro, Bali ,
Nigel Mason talks us through the experience. Amazing !
 Click here

The fun theory [well worth a watch - Ed.]
 Click here

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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