Friday humour - October 23, 2009
Thanks for all the contributions this week making a bumper harvest - in a
week it will be Halloween, so please consider animals and pets if using
fireworks, not to mention the fire risks.....if you are of a nervous
disposition and don't like the loud bangers, shove them up a politician's
bum before lighting, it really does muffle the sound.
From: Allnutts......................The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do
You determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,
a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the
bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because
it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want
a bed near the window?"
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From: Burnout........................ Breasts or legs????
Last night a guy was talking to a young, good looking woman.
She asked him if he liked breasts or legs. He told her what he really liked
was a shaved snatch.
Apparently, he's no longer welcome at KFC.
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From: Burnout
A twin-engine plane has one of its engines fail, altitude and air speed are
rapidly decreasing. The pilot speaks over the intercom. 'I'm sorry it had
to come to this folks, but unfortunately we're gonna have to jettison
baggage in order for the aircraft to remain airborne.'
Baggage is thrown out, but the plane's speed continues to decrease. Again
the pilot gets on the intercom. 'I hate to have to do this, but now we're
gonna have to start off-loading passengers. The only fair way to do it is
alphabetically, so we'll start with the letter 'A'.
'Africans, any Africans on board?'
No one answers
'Ok then, 'B'.
Black people, any black people?'
Again, silence.
'C' - Coloured people, any Coloured people on board?
Silence.
A little black boy in the back turns to his mother. 'But Mom, aren't we
African?, aren't we Black? Aren't we Coloured?'
'Yes son, but for the purpose of this exercise we is Niggaas. Let dem
Mexicans and Muslims go first.'
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From: Burnout
Test your reaction time..........
The driving manual says the average driver's reaction time is: .75
seconds....... or 1 car length for every 10 mph......
Test your average reaction time.
Be very careful this can be addictive. Click on the blue link below and
good luck.
Click here
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The "Old Golfer" an oldie but worthy of a repeat
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a
good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a
gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one
ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or
you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants
to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the
gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and
pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her
coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts
licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body
for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display
like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can
you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies,
"No problem, just get that lion out of there."
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From: Indigo Flow
Jihad Me!
Click here
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From: Muse
One Terrific show
'The Bear' was a feature film, released in 1989, directed by Jean-Jacques
Annaud. For those of you who have seen it, this is a reminder of a
fantastic flick. If you haven't seen the movie, you'll likely still enjoy
the clip.
CLICK below---
Click here
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From: Nottingham Smithie
here is a link for lakeland cam, which also contains links to other cams
across britain
Click here
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From: Nottingham Smithie
Normandy-Omaha B.
Hello, all,
Many of these I've never seen before (I believe they are unpublished)
Here are Normandy pictures in case you have not seen all of them.
Click here
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From: Seasoldier
The Nun at Hooters
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a
while the lights would turn off for 15 seconds
Each time the lights went out, the place would erupt in cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use your restroom?
The bartender replied, 'OK sister, but I must warn you that there is a
statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'
Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.
So the bartender pointed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just
long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause!
She went to the bartender and said, ' I don't understand. Why did they
applaud just because I went to the restroom?'
'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like
a drink? It's on the house.' No, thank you, but, I still don't understand,'
said the puzzled nun.
'Well, sister,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig
leaf on that statue, the lights go out... Now, how about that drink?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Stumpy Steve
Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas, and oil.
The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
We apologise for the inconvenience
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From: The Great Gussius.................for cricket fans
A prostitute, who was also a Cricket fan, had a tattoo of Brett Lee and
Shane Warne on the inside of her thighs.She says to one of her customers, a
regular, "If you can guess who they are,you get a free shag".
He looks to the left and then to the right and says "I dunno who those ugly
bastards are but the one in the middle with the fat lips and curly hair is
Andrew Symonds!"
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From: Whizzbang
Amazing Grace as Sung in a Coliseum in Rome. This is spine tingling.
Amazing Grace like you have never heard it before!!!
This is beautiful - Four Tenors (Il Divo) singing inside the Coliseum in
Rome ...
Click on the link below [and enjoy]!
Click here
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From: 4M
TRAFFIC STOPPERS
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here
THE GERMAN ARTISTS ARE AT IT AGAIN*...
Here are 7 pictures of European trucks whose trailers are decorated to
look like the sides are missing and the products they are hauling are
painted on the sides and back.
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From: Allnutts
Beer Song
Click here
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From: Anonymous
How Numerals 0 - 9 Got Their Shape...very interesting
Suggest that you read this first, then open the attachment Do you know why
numbers look like they do? Someone, at some point in time, had to create
their shapes.
Watch this short presentation and then you will know how our Arabic numbers
were originally created a very long time ago and what logic the people that
created them used to determine their shapes. It is really very simple and
quite creative! You have to admire the intelligence of a person that
created something so simple and perfect that it has lasted for thousands
of years and will probably never change.
When the presentation gets to the number "seven" you will notice that the 7
has a line through the middle of it. That was the way the Arabic 7 was
originally written, and in Europe and certain other areas they still write
the 7 that way. Also, in the military, they commonly write it that way.
The nine has a kind of curly tail on it that has been reduced, for the
most part nowadays, to a simple curve, but the logic involved still
applies.
Click on the space bar each time you want to advance the slides...or click
your mouse.
Click here
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From: Anonymous
Mexican Tombstones
Click here Click here Click here Click here
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From: Anonymous
For those who don't like my emails...
Click here
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From: Anonymous
Rolex
Click here
My Neighbors.............The lesbians next door asked me what I would like
for my birthday.I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex
It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I
wanna watch."
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From: Anonymous
Click here
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Anonymous
Remember the Copper Tone Girl
Click here Click here
Remember that cute little Coppertone girl with her dog pulling on her blue
bathing suit bottoms during the late 50's and throughout the 60's?
Well she's all grown up now, and lives near Lake Mead , Arizona
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From: Anonymous
God's pharmacy ( Really interesting!)
Click here
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From: Anonymous
WORLD'S FASTEST TRAIN 574.8 km/h
Click here
WORLD'S FASTEST TRAIN 574.8 km/h
This is a high speed train built by the Alstom rail group in Belfort ,
France ; they share manufacturing facilities with the GE Energy Products
Europe (EPE) Gas Turbine group.The video was provided by the GE EPE Chief
Engineer in Belfort ....
The train hit 574.8 Km/h which works out to 357.2 MPH or Mach 0.482...
wow!!!! In particular, watch the train going under a bridge with people
watching. This is FAST !!
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From: Biggus
Idiots of the month video
Click here
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From: Billm
Eggzactly!
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here
If you think your life is bad...spare a thought for an Egg.
He only got laid once.
He only got eaten once.
It takes him 4 minutes to get hard.
Only 2 minutes to get soft.
He shares a doos with 5 other guys
AND the only chick that ever sat on his face was his Mother!!!
Chin up!! Your life ain't that bad!!!!
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From: Burnout
Look at my new dog.............
Click here
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From: Burnout
Take your calcium..............
Click here
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From: Burnout
Changed my mind..... Don't want to drive one of these ........now.
Click here
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From: Burnout
The secret of having cosmetic surgery is knowing when enough is enough
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here
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From: Burnout
Speaks for itself..............
Click here
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From: Burnout
Speaks for itself really................
Click here
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From: Diks
Too old to Trick or Treat ??
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here
You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have someone else chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and
fall over.
6. People say: "Great Boris Karloff Mask," and you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or ." and can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your
hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
And the number one reason Seniors should not go Trick Or Treating...
1. You keep having to go home to pee.
No matter, have a HAPPY HALLOWEEN anyway.
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From: Mitta
the new boxing - taking the world by storm!!
Click here
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From: Moose
Cockpits
Click here
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From: Moose
And This Guy Has A Sore KNEE ? ? ?
Click here
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From: Stumpy Steve
Real people of Wal-Mart #3!!!!!!!!!!!
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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From: Stumpy Steve
Birth control Southern style
Click here
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From: The Great Gussius
How to Wake Up the Girlfriend
Click here
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From: The Great Gussius
Temporary people
Click here Click here Click here
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From: The Great Gussius
Why you dont add your boss on facebook!
Click here
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From: Whizzbang
New summer game
Click here
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From: Whizzbang
Norwich Park Dragline Recovery - Jan 2009
Click here
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From: Whizzbang
NORMANDY ()Photos 60+ yrs apart)
Click here
An amazing set of then and now photos of Normandy taken by the same
photographer. I can't imagine the memories he must have had while shooting
this presentation...
A remarkable job of reconstruction!
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From: Whizzbang....................renting...
Click here Click here Click here Click here
From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 30 September 2009 6.04pm
To: Peter Williams
Subject: Inspection Report
Dear Peter,
Thankyou for the surprise inspection and invitation to participate in the
next. I appreciate you underlining the text at the bottom of the page
which
I would otherwise have surely mistaken for part of the natural pattern in
the paper. I was going to clean the apartment but had so many things on my
'to do' list that I decided to treat them all equally and draw pictures of
sharks instead. I have attached one for your honest appraisal.
I have read through your list of chores and intend to rectify the situation
by wrapping my entire body in eighteen rolls of super absorbent
Thick'n'thirstyŽ paper towels, hosing down the apartment, then rolling
around on the floor and rubbing myself up and down walls. I will cover the
more stubborn marks with Liquid Paper. I will also get back to you in
regards to the premises being inspected in another two weeks, my agreement
to do so will depend on availability and not wanting to.
Regards, David.
From: Peter Williams
Date: Thursday 01 October 2009 9.41am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Inspection Report
David
I suggest you take this matter more seriously. You were sent notice of the
inspection as part of our normal procedure. You will not use a hose in the
apartment. I have never heard of anything so ridiculous and it is not just
about the marks on the walls - the light fitting in the lounge room is
broken and the apartment smells of smoke.
Peter
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 01 October 2009 10.26am
To: Peter Williams
Subject: Re: Re: Inspection Report
Dear Peter,
The light fitting was the victim of a toy lightsabre being swung in a space
too small to do the same with a cat. I dodged a leaping double handed
overhead attack and the fitting, being fitted, didn't. I will grab a
matching replacement $12 fitting from IKEA the next time I require a tiny
ironing board or glass tea light.
The smell you mistook for cigarette smoke was probably just from the fog
machine. Each Tuesday I hold a disco in my bedroom with strobe lighting
and special guest. As my wardrobe door has a large mirror on it, it looks
like someone is dancing with you. I once dressed as a lady and it was
almost exactly what I imagine dancing with a real lady would be like.
Unfortunately, I kept worrying about falling, hitting my head and being
found dressed that way so she left after only a few dances and a brief,
but full of promise, kiss. You should come one night, it will be a dance
spectacular. I imagine you are probably a good dancer because you are
small and the smallest member of the Rocksteady Crew was definitely the
best one.
Regards, David.
From: Peter Williams
Date: Thursday 01 October 2009 1.16pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Inspection Report
David
I do not appreciate being called small and being sent stupid drawings of me
being eaten by a shark. The apartment is to be cleaned and reinspected in
two weeks time. You cant have a fog machine or anything like that at the
apartment in case the smoke damages the walls.
Peter
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 01 October 2009 4.02pm
To: Peter Williams
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Inspection Report
Dear Peter,
I apologise for mentioning your smallness. It must be a subject most people
you know avoid. Was it the Rocksteady Crew comment or the fact that the
shark was actually very small in the picture, making you, in comparison,
the size of a very small fish? I have attached a revised version which you
can print out, pin to your cubicle wall, look at whenever you are feeling
down and think "That Volkswagen looks way too small for me to get into, I
must be huge."
Regards, David.
From: Peter Williams
Date: Thursday 01 October 2009 5.12pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Inspection Report
David
Do not send me anymore drawings. I am not joking. I am keeping a record of
everything you send just so you know. If the apartment is not clean when
we reinspect in two weeks time, we will consider terminating the lease. I
suggest you take this matter more seriously as we have also had noise
complaints regarding your premises.
Peter
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 01 October 2009 6.27pm
To: Peter Williams
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Inspection Report
Dear Peter,
Yes, I find loud music helps me relax while I clean as the music distracts
me so much that I stop cleaning. Which is relaxing. I will probably get
onto it this week though. I do not wish to be evicted as I have developed
a severe case of agoraphobia and residing in an apartment where I can
reach all four walls while standing in the one spot brings me a feeling of
comfort and safety. Although the wood printed linoleum and IKEA light
fittings only go so far in disguising an old apartment in a old building
on a busy and extremely loud main road, the daily culling of plague
proportion c*ckroaches gives me something to do in my spare time. I class
the eighteen cans of surface spray I use per week as sporting equipment.
I purchased one of those electronic things you plug into the wall which is
meant to scare c*ckroaches by sending a pulse through the apartment wiring
but while it seems to have reduced the numbers, others have evolved to feed
off the electrical signal, increasing their size. I am using one as a
coffee table in the lounge and two smaller ones as side tables in the
bedroom.
Cockroaches would no doubt be susceptible to carbon monoxide poisoning
though so will try running a hose pipe from my car exhaust to the
apartment,
closing the windows and leaving the vehicle running overnight. It is
apparently an odourless gas so should not prove an issue for my son's cub
group sleepover. I read somewhere once that c*ckroaches can survive a
nuclear attack so I have been collecting the dead ones and intend to glue
several thousand to the walls thereby ensuring my survival should
Cyberdyne
Systems become self aware between now and when the lease runs out.
I also need to purchase a new vacuum cleaner before I can start cleaning as
I used my current one to suck up a large spider a few weeks ago and I am
afraid to pull out the sock I shoved into the end of the pipe to block his
exit in case he is sitting in there waiting and getting more p*ssed off by
the day. A few months ago while I was at work, a spider ran up my arm. I
threw myself backwards from the desk onto the floor and rolled around
thrashing while undressing to make sure the spider was not in my hair or
clothes. Unfortunately I was in a client meeting at the time with a
company that sold cleaning products. If the meeting had gone better they
would have proven quite handy at this point.
Regards, David.
From: Peter Williams
Date: Friday 02 October 2009 10.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Inspection Report
I am not going to waste my time reading any more of your stupid nonsense.
Clean the property or we will terminate the lease - the choice is yours. Do
not email again unless it is of a serious matter.
Peter
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From: Whizzbang
fish story
Click here
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From: Whizzbang
Why are D&G-glasses so expensive ???
Click here
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From: Whizzbang
plane/car
Terrafugia has completed flight testing of the Transition POC (Proof of
Concept). Introducing the Transition
Simply land at the airport, fold your wings up and drive home.
Fly a distance of 725 kilometers at speeds of 115 km/hour; requires a
special license to drive and fly.
The time required for the transition from plane to car takes less than 30
seconds.
Vehicle speed 185 km/hour, range is 724 km on highways Vehicle is fueled
with gasoline, and the price of the car is expected to be around $200,000.
The first shipment will be in 2011
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Whizzbang
dead fly art
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here
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From: Whizzbang
Market Question..........
Click here
The Question of the Day is...
Will the Dollar fall or not?
The Key to Survival is to be a Tight Ass!
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From: Whizzbang
'HOME-BREWED GUN POWDER---'
Click here
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From: Whizzbang
An expensive speeding ticket...Not for kids!!!!!
Click here
Telling husband you're going out for the night with the 'Girls'... $0.00
Red Leather Jacket for night out with the 'Girls'.... $300.00
Car wash and wax... $60.00
Getting a radar photo speeding ticket while out with the 'Girls'. $300.00
Having husband open the mailed penalty notice with radar photo and seeing
you with another man's d*ck in your hand.........PRICELESS!!!
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From: Whizzbang
South African Safari
Click here
One of the great photo captions of all time..........
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From: Whizzbang
Darwin
Click here Click here
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From: seagull
The Disabled Parrot.... ( from "seagull" )
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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[ End friday humour ]
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