Friday humour - October 16, 2009


From Burnout @ Bluehaze

From: Allnuts

A man, on his way home from work was stuck in traffic which was much worse
than usual. Noticing a policeman walking among the stalled cars, he asked,
"Officer, what's the holdup?" The policeman says: "Brendan Fevola is so
depressed about his behaviour at the Brownlow that he's stopped his car
and is threatening to douse himself in petrol and set himself on fire. He
says everyone hates him. His wife is leaving him and taking everything and
he's going to lose his $750,000 contract at Carlton. I'm walking around
taking up a collection for him." "Oh, really?" the man says. "How much
have you collected so far?" "So far only 18 litres, but a lot of people
are still siphoning.


Q:  What do Fev and a bottle of beer have in common?

A:  They're both empty from the neck up.


Fev is staggering home after Brownlow night when he's stopped by a
policeman, who asks him "Have you any ID?" Fev replies "Bout What?"


Fev leaves the Brownlow after-party and decides he needs another drink. He
staggers through the front door of a bar. Obviously drunk, he lurches up
to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender
for a beer. The bartender politely informs Fev that it appears that he has
already had plenty to drink. He would not be served additional liquor at
this bar, but could get a cab called for him. Fev is annoyed, grumbles,
climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door. A few
minutes later, Fev stumbles in through the side door of the bar. He
wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a beer. The bartender comes over and
still politely, but more firmly, refuses to serve him due to his
inebriation.
Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him. Fev looks at the
bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side
door,
all the while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, Fev
returns, bursts in through the back door  of the bar. He plops himself up
o n a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a beer. The
bartender comes over and emphatically reminds him that he is clearly
drunk,
will not be served a drink and either a cab or the police will be called
immediately. Fev looks at the bartender and yells at him in a rage, "Man!
How many bars do you work at?"


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From: Billm

WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.


MAN'S POEM

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge b**bs who owns a Pub and a
golf course.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't care.


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From: Digi Steve (An infrequent contributor; who's frequently funny - ED)

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was
probably the greatest political sage the United States has ever
known. Enjoy the following quotes----

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in
your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men; The ones that learn by reading. The few
who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric
fence.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad
judgment.

10. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then
to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. AND FINALLY: After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good
he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot
him...
The moral When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.


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From: Diks

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was
fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.

"Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why, in
Glasgowthere's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord thereGoes out
of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he will buy
the 5th drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there
will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, that's nuttin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublinthere's
O'Driscoll's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'llbuy you
a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had
enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on
the house."

"Well," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman, "but it did happen to
me sister."

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From: Stumpy Steve

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.


2. A set of jump leads walk into a bar.
The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'


3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.


4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.


5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says to
the barman:
'A beer please, and one for the road.'


6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
'Does this taste funny to you?'


7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'
'Is it common ?'
'Well, It's Not Unusual.'


8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'
'I don't believe you,' says Dolly.
'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.


9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.


10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.


11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't
find any.


12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs !'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms !'


13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes ?
A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says, 'Dam !'

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in
the craft.
It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to
disperse.
'But why,' they asked, as they moved off.
'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.'
The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.'
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also
had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins ! If you've
seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'


19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,
he suffered from bad breath.
This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ......
A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20 And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to her
friends,
with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.


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From: Whizzbang

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so
he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a
break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then
presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer
thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'


The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred
Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the
time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got
older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college,
medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was
Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided
to go back to school.. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through
school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored
doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she
gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA
found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred
Dingaling,
MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS
because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling
with VD.
Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.'


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From: Zalaga

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a
preacher baptising people in the river.

 He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the
preacher.


 The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol,
whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

 The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am."

 So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

 He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

 The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus."

 The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a
little longer.

 He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found
Jesus me brother?"

 The drunk again answers, "No,oi I haven't found Jesus."

 By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the
water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when
he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

 The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found
Jesus?"


 (Are you ready for this????)


 The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure dis is where he fell in?"

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We are men

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners.

The Lamaze class was in full swing.

The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and
informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of
the plan.

"Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. "Walking is
especially beneficial.
And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with
your partner!"

The room was very quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" asked the
instructor. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"


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Now for some AV stuff:

From: Kevin

Strange T shirt designs

 Click here


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From: Digi Steve

McDonalds letter is a fake

 Click here


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From: Anonymous
And the Dumbass of the Year Award goes to.........

 Click here


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Travel through the night

 Click here


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From the Sky

 Click here


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From: Billm

One question.....


 Click here


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From: Croydon Caz
This is the main reason I visit Wal-Mart every Sunday!

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

& more Wal Mart people:

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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Irish Traffic Lights

 Click here


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Amazing Train Routes....WOW

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Digi Steve

Posters:

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here


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From: Diks
Holy Chit   (XXX)Viewer caution -ED

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


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Laser Guided Attack

Boy with laser pointer..............LMAO!

 Click here


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Swine flu paranoia

 Click here

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Skeleton Man - Brilliant

 Click here


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Forgetfulness ...

"Ode to Forgetfulness" performed by ... uh ... uh ... oh, what IS his name?

 Click here


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From: Nottingham Smithie
Mirror in the Water

 Click here


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My kind of Grandma

 Click here


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Redneck Motorcycle

Only In Amite County Mississippi .

Today we have a special treat. I was running errands yesterday and saw a
motorcycle/car. This vehicle is actually registered as a car. Notice no
engine on the motorcycle.
The car was a front wheel drive Ford.

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Seasoldier
A New Ending for a Favourite Fairytale!

The big bad Wolf said, "I'll huff and
I'll puff and blow your house down."
The little piggy said, "Fuck off or I'll sneeze on you..."

 Click here

 Click here


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From: Stumpy Steve
How can anyone NOT like the Italian Prime Minister?

 Click here

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From: Whizzbang

 Eggsactly what you would expect to happen

 Click here


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From: Whizzbang
Canal Plus

 Click here


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4 Bottles Of Life!

Life summarized in ... 4 bottles
Crap, I'm already on the 3rd one

 Click here


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A Doctor to avoid if you are looking to take a sickie

 Click here


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Practice makes perfect - (XXX - ED)

 Click here


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This Song Touched My Heart...

 Click here

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German's are straight to the point.

Do you know from where the babies comes ???? The Germans know...
Nothing better than a good German children's book to explain the
inexplicable....

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here


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Sweet Rides

 Click here


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Good old Maccas!!

 Click here


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From: Zalaga


 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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From: anonymous

Gay & Lesbien Channell

 Click here


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Why?

Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub her
tummy and say, "Congratulations." But none of them rub your d*ck and say
"Well Done."


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Qantas maintenance

In case you need a laugh: Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a

Plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe

Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems; doc*ment their repairs on the form,

And then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots

(marked with a P ) and the solutions recorded ( marked with an S ) by
maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an
accident.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in c*ckpit.

S: Something tightened in c*ckpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute

Descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in c*ckpit.

S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget

pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget


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Quote of the Week:

I am always doing that which I can not do, in order that I may learn how to
do it.

Pablo Picasso


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[ End friday humour ]

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