Friday humour - October 09, 2009

[ from Davo at Bluehaze ]


With all the recent earthquakes, tsunamis, hurricanes, even Melbourne's
continuous fierce winds, you can't help wondering if climate change isn't
just around the corner ... but already here.  Maybe we should all take it
a little more seriously and stop worrying about the cost of electricity
going up and how much money our investments are earning, and perhaps just
aspire to having a good constructive healthy and happy life, and leaving
things so as those who follow may do the same.

We don't have too many conflabs with FH readers in recent times.  In some
ways it's disappointing.  Maybe we're not upsetting enough people anymore.
We are a broad church and FH is already a bit old hat ... a bit like 'Hey
Hey It's Sat*rday' which made a remarkable reappearance on Aussie TV these
last two weeks after it was taken off air 10 years ago after a mighty 28
year run.

It was great to see Hey Hey again.  It wasn't the sharp clever new age
smutty stuff that continually emanates from ABC-TV or Network 10 carefully
delivered in all it's pre-taped slickly edited format.  It was good old
fashioned pretty much old hat family fun (cheap parlour games and all)
delivered live from Studio 9 at Television City Richmond by a cast flying
by the seat of their pants.

And it rated its socks off ... twice!  May there be more.

I'll just submit one of my old request here, particularly to those readers
in interesting places in the four corners of the world.  Please advise us
of any nice webcams from where you live.  Hey ... I suppose they're a bit
old hat now too.  But there's nothing wrong with daggy.  I like daggy.

I've always liked looking at webcams of where our readers call home. 
Muse's location in Canada is a great example ... where everything seems to
have a
British connection from the name of the city to the name of the river.

More please!

And ... many thanks to our prolific Whizzbang Pooley (as the Great Man
frequently called him)!


First up some bits and pieces from Burnout

Two mates are on the roof of a building one of them says "watch this"....
he throws a brick off the roof and yells "FALLING BRICK".... the brick
smashes on the gound. He hands a brick to his mate who has a chronic
stutter, he then throws the brick off and yells "F....... F...... F.....
F.... F.. u. c.
k........... I hit him!

Two black guys are at a bar talking, one says to the other, "You ever
notice after you have s*x with a white woman that your eyes burn, your
nose burns and you get all teary-eyed?"
The second black guy says, "Yeah, all the time."
The other says, "Why is that?"

The second says, "I think it's the pepper spray."

Bring Back the Sixties................

 Click here

                                   Smack the Penguin

1. Click on the link below.
2 Click once on the snowman to activate the penguin
3. Click again on the snowman to hit the penguin as he descends from the

Click here: Click here Smack the Penguin



This was from Darwin Jon

A sheet metal worker, a carpenter and their gay trade assistant were
working in a city sewer. The sheet metal worker exclaims "there goes one
of my t*rds".

The other two ask how he knows it's one of his.

He says "Look it's got metal filings in it".  And so it did.

After a while the carpenter says " Hey look there goes the sh*t I had this
morning". The other two ask how he knows this and he explains

"It's got saw dust in it" and he was right, it did.

Not long after, the gay assistant observes a log floating down stream and
says excitedly "Look there goes a poo of mine".

"How so?" asks the two tradies in unison.

"See" he said, "it's got a ding in the end of it"


These came from Digi Steve

                       Gas-mask bra leads IgNobel awards

Engineers who invented a bra that converts into a gas mask and Irish police
officers who mistakenly wrote tickets to "Driver's Licence" have all won
spoof IgNobel prizes.

The IgNobels - a play on the name of the Nobel prizes awarded every October
from Stockholm and Oslo - are given out by the Harvard-based humour
Annals of Improbable Research.

Prizes also went to Zimbabwe for issuing banknotes that ranged in value
from one Zimbabwean cent to 100 trillion Zimbabwean dollars, to Mexican
scientists who made diamonds out of tequila, and to the leaders of four
Icelandic banks that suffered spectacular collapses.

The Public Health prize went to Elena Bodnar of Hinsdale, Illinois and
colleagues who designed and patented a bra that can be quickly converted
into a pair of gas masks, one for the brassiere wearer and one to be given
to some needy bystander.

Ireland's police won the literature prize for writing more than 50 traffic
tickets to a frequent visitor and speeder named Prawo Jazdy. In Polish,
this means "driver's licence".

Pathologist Stephan Bolliger and colleagues at the University of Bern in
Switzerland won for a study they did to determine whether an empty beer
bottle does more or less damage to the human skull than a full one in a
bar fight.

"Both suffice in breaking the human skull. However, the empty ones are more
st*rdy," Mr Bolliger said by email.

This is because the pressure of the beer, aided by carbonation, makes a
full beer bottle explode quickly.

The economics prize went to managers at Kaupthing Bank, Landsbanki, Glitnir
Bank and Central Bank of Iceland "for demonstrating that tiny banks can be
rapidly transformed into huge banks, and vice versa".

Donald Unger of California was honoured for a lifelong experiment in which
he cracked the knuckles of his left hand but never his right for more than
60 years to prove that cracking your knuckles does not cause arthritis.

Other winners included farmers who showed that naming your cows makes them
give more milk, researchers who used panda droppings to break down
household trash, and a scientist who calculated why pregnant women do not
fall over.


                               BBQ Etiquette and Rules


We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh
your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity .
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put
into motion:

(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with
the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is
lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone
where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities
can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:

More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He
thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat

Important again:

More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces,
and brings them to the table.

(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ' and, upon
seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some


Some stuff from Smithie of Nottingham


It's not easy being dyslexic.... I got my sleeping tablets and my viagra
mixed up this afternoon and I ended up having 40 w4nks

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on how to have s*x with a
dwarf. "How can you stoop so low?" says the librarian. "Aye, thats the
one" says the bloke.

NEWSFLASH.... Two Black men have been shot in Birmingham, Police report the
weapon used was a Starting Pistol......... They say it could be Race

Little boy sitting by the side of the road, sobbing. A lady asks him, "what
on earth is the matter, son?" "My dog's just died", he sobs. "Oh that's
dreadful -shall I fetch FatherO 'Leary?" "No , s. ex is the last thing on
my mind !!"

In the golfing world, Nick Faldo's old caddy F. anny Sunesson is to marry
masters champion V J Singh. At the press conference V J Singh commented
"I'm hoping to make her F. anny Singh by Christmas".



a.. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip
club at least once.

b.. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each

c.. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing
St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of year.

d.. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the
armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying
beside her.

e.. The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective - or
give him 48 hours to finish the job.

f.. All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

g.. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk
you down.

h.. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place -
noone will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any
other part of the building undetected.

i.. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure
they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite.

j.. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

k.. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.

l.. If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition,
even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

m.. You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make
the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

n.. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not
be necessary to speak the language - a German accent will do.

o.. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer
beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his
forthcoming art exhibition.

p.. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but
will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

q.. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a
bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the
exact fare.

r.. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night,
you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

s.. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange
noises in their most revealing underwear.

t.. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every
morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.

u.. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

v.. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

w.. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK

x.. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

y.. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

z.. It is not necessary to hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone

aa.. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to
turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

ab.. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are

ac.. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from

ad.. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving
martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing
around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their

ae.. When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will
never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

af.. No-one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic
eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

ag.. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

ah.. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

ai.. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds -
unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

aj.. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you
personally at the precise moment that it is aired.


Stump Steve forwrded this one

                                       Shower Sex

In a recent survey carried out for a leading toiletries firm (Brut), people
from Detroit and Chicago have proved to be the  most likely to have had s*x
in the shower!

In the survey, 86% of Detroit's and Chicago's inner city residents said
that they have enjoyed s*x in the shower.

The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.


And from The Great Gussius

                  News items from ABC online - edited of course

A university just outside Boston in the United States has banned s*x in
dormitory rooms if a room-mate is present. So logically, if no room mate
is present to mate with, that means you are on your own - you tosser!

Top US directors Woody Allen, David Lynch and Martin Scorsese have signed a
petition protesting the detention of Roman Polanski in Switzerland. Four
out of four perverts can't be wrong. Come to think about it, I used to
lust after 13 year olds too. That makes it unanimous.

A wildlife scientist says people relieving themselves on top of Uluru may
have killed off a rare species of shrimp. Don't come the raw prawn! Just
who hires people to do this work? And obviously someone with a university
degree should be smart enough to get a better job.

NASA scientists have discovered that long stints in space lead to loss of
bone density and muscle wasting. Apparently the same thing happens with
long stints on Earth. Brilliant Sherlock!


The Whizzbang Collection

     Comments made in the year 1955! That's only 54 years ago!

'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going
to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $10.00.

'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before
$1, 000.00 will only buy a used one.

'If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. 20 cents a pack
is ridiculous.

'Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging 7 cents just to
mail a letter

'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire
outside help at the store.

'When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday
cost 25 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the

'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more Ever since they let
Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new
movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.

'I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a
man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows
they call astronauts preparing for it down inTexas .

'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $50,000
a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be
making more than the President.

'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be
electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.

'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women
are having to work to make ends meet.

'It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to
watch their kids so they can both work.

'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of
foreign business.

'Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half
our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people
to government.

'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously
doubt they will ever catch on.

'There is no sense going on short trips anymore for a weekend, it costs
nearly $2.00 a night to stay in a hotel.

'No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $15.00 a day in the hospital,
it's too rich for my blood.'

'If they think I'll pay 30 cents for a hair cut, forget it.'


                                     Trivial Pursuit

Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false?

(Answers are below.)

1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the

2. Alfred Hitchc*ck didn't have a belly button.

3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.

4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot

5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!

6. Only 7 percent of the population are lefties.

7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2 - 6
years old.

9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.

10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

11. The average housefly lives for one month.

12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.

16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for

18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning
their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.

19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in 'An Officer and a
Gentleman' and 'Tootsie.'

20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State Anthem.

21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white
paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.

22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane,
just in case there is a crash.

23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can
for a carburetor.

24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women
who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.

25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.

26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.

Now, scroll down for the answers..........................

They are all TRUE ... Now go back and think about #16!!!


                    Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Bob says to Mike behind him, 'My
elbow hurts like the d*ckens!! I guess I'd better see a doctor.'

'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.

'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart . Just give it a urine
sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about

It takes ten seconds and costs $10 - A lot cheaper than a doctor.'

So, Bob deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits $10, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.
He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

10 seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: 'You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water and Epsom salts found on aisle 2... Avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in 2 weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob began
wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from
his wife and daughter, and a sp*rm sample for good measure.

Bob hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. H e deposits $10,
pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart


                                 The Value of a Drink

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I
look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of
their hopes and dreams.  If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of
work and their dreams would be shattered.  Then I say to myself, "It is
better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be
selfish and worry about my liver."  ~ Jack Handy *

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties. *


"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning,
that's as good as they're going to feel all day. " ~Frank Sinatra *

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. *


"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." ~ Henny
Youngman *

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you. *


"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?  I think not." ~
Stephen Wright *

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. *


"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we
fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So,
let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" ~ Brian O'Rourke *

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy. *


"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~ Benjamin
Franklin *

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a
retard. *


"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel
does not go nearly as well with pizza." ~ Dave Barry *

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over
and over again that you love them. *


To some ! It's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell *

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite s*x without spitting. *


And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One
afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his
buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as
fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the
slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural
selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and
health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the
weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain
cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells,
making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always
feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering
when you are not!!!


                              A real 'Oh Dear' Moment

This is a real "Oh Dear" moment!

His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly used a cell phone
to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin engine
plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the Door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go.'

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in
the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, `Fly over the valley and
make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot. 'Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable News,' he
responded. 'And I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment. Finally he stammered, 'So,
what you're telling me is . . . You're NOT my Flight Instructor?

"Life is short, drink the good wine first"


Here is a riddle for the true intellectual. Try to come up with the answer
on your own.

The answer is at the bottom of the email for those who are unable to think
this one through.

Here's the riddle:

At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of
the earth.

One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor.

The other is getting oral s*x from an 85-year-old toothless woman.

They are both thinking the exact same thing...

What are they both thinking?

Don't look down!


                               Social Security Payments

I signed my dog up for Social Security payments.

Do you think he's eligible?

He's black and lazy, and has no f*cking idea who his father is...


To the AV files now ... and they're from Kaos-reflex, Stumpy Steve,
Nottingham Smithie, Whizzbang, Cartographer Chris, Diks, and Yours Truly.

British Air Show: The Red Sparrows
 Click here

Slide show about Germany
 Click here

How to insult an entire room full of people
 Click here

Frankston Monopoly
 Click here

 Click here

The reality of how it is.
 Click here

The recent dust storms & how it affected Sydney, NSW.
 Click here Click here Click here

Swimming with polar bears ? There's a place in the world where children can
swim among polar bears. Since July 2004, in the little town of Cochrane ,
northern Ontario , you can visit the Polar Bear Habitat It's a kind of
local zoo where people can live the once-in-a-lifetime experience of an
outdoor swim with polar bears.
Of course, the humans are in a different pool, separated from the bears'
habitat by just a layer of glass.
Can you see the water drops now?
There's a bullet proof, shatterproof glass that's almost 9 centimeters
thick, because although they're cute, polar bears are among the world's
most ferocious carnivores.
It took 20 years for the Polar Bear Conservation and Education Habitat and
Heritage Village to get off the ground.
When it opened it attracted some 11,000 visitors in the first six months.
And now you're invited to go and swim with all those bears if you dare.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

If you think you're bad at Golf, there's worse!
 Click here

 Comfort Foods
 Click here

 Click here

Terrorist-Proof Airlines
WELCOME TO TPA (Terrorist-Proof Airlines)
We at TPA, Terrorist-Proof Airlines, are in the flying business!
We can absolutely guarantee no WALK-ON GUNS, KNIVES, BOX CUTTERS,
SHOE-BOMBS or other weapons will ever be carried onto OUR FLIGHTS !
Book your next flight with TPA, the safest airline in the industry.
 Click here

The Fairytale Wedding ...
You have just walked out of the church after your delightful wedding
ceremony and on the church steps, both your families are applauding you
with a hundred friends gathered around.
The photographer raises his camera and following your family's tradition,
both of you are holding beautiful live white doves which you will release
Bride and groom stand happily shoulder to shoulder with a dove gently held
in both hands as everyone eagerly awaits the climax of your marriage vows.
The photographer gives the ready signal and you open your hands toward the
sky and release the doves as a symbol of your eternal love.
Not a dry eye anywhere, such a moving sight, the camera flashes and the
moment is captured for all eternity.............
 Click here

Real Estate Agents with promise
 Click here

When the lights go out - how unfortunate is this?????
 Click here

Polar bears
 Click here

Are you getting the most use out of your vehicle?
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Muppets - Devil Went Down to Jamaica
 Click here

Beware - This could happen to YOU at Oktoberfest !!
 Click here

15 Most Unfortunate Town Names
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Ranate Schulte & Marti Princess collision photos
 Click here Click here Click here

Broken Hill 22 September - dust storm
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Look at this Moose!   [ Not ours ...  - Ed ]
 Click here Click here

The Poor Ol' Piggy...
 Click here

Best Aviation Photography Ever
 Click here

Dog Show
 Click here


This came from Slatts


The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it
with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have
the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas
cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need
to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which
they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets
Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many
souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist
in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can
project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are,
we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now,
we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law
states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the
same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all
Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take
into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two
must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already
frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen
over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct...... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a
divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my



Here's one from Allnutts

                            BUTTERCUPS & GOLF BALLS

Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and
found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.  Trying to get his ball
back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the

All of a sudden, POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman

She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those
buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter
for your popcorn for the rest of your life: Better Still, you won't have
any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact,
you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!'

Then POOF! She was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred,
Where are you?'

Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'

Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!'


These were sent in by ... You know who you are

                                        Quiet Op

A s*xually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her
vaginal lips reduced in size because they are too loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the
surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully
placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the
"I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and
that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through
this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and
empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?", she asked.

"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for
his new ears."


                                   IDIOT SIGHTINGS

IDIOT SIGHTING: We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears
repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a
'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that
we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook
his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2
was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two...'
We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING:  My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out
window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also
handed her a quarter. She said, 'You gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes
I know,
but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.' She sighed and went
to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he
handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we cannot do that
kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents
in change..

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor
call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the
DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by
cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing

From Kingman, KS.

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and
ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal
lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

From Kansas City

IDIOT SIGHTING:  I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an
airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without
your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how
would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

Happened in Birmingham, Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross
the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of
mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it
signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What
on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS

IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She
was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented
'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken.
We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back
into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her
system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.


When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our
car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service
department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver
side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the
door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the
technician, 'Its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS.


When I left Hawaii and was transferred to FL I still had the Hawaiian
plates on my car, as my car was shipped from Hawaii. I was parking
somewhere (I can't remember) and a guy asked me "Wow, you drove from
Hawaii to here?" I looked at him and quickly said "Yep. I took the
Hawaii/San Francisco
Bridge". He nodded his head and said "Cool!"


They walk among us... and they VOTE and they REPRODUCE...........


Finally from Mitta

                                        Warming Up

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold
blistery day.

The daughter said to her mother, 'My hands are freezing cold.'

The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs and your body heat will
warm them up.'

The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend. He said,  'My
hands are freezing cold.'

The girl replied, 'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will
warm them up.'

He did and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.

He said, 'My nose is cold.'

The girl replied 'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm
it up.'

He did and warmed his nose.

The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he
said, 'My penis is frozen solid.'

The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again,
and she asks,

'Have you ever heard of a penis?'

Concerned the mother said,

'Why yes..... why do you ask?'

The daughter replies,

'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!!!'


Quote of the Week:

          "I have unqualified total support for our leader."

Many senior Australian Liberal MPs who'd rather not take over at the


[ End friday humour ]

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