Friday humour - October 02, 2009

[from Steve @ Bluehaze]

Here goes my political comment for this week. Zzzzzzzzzzzz .... Well thatís
enough from me. Now on to the funnies.

This weeks contributions are courtesy of Allnutts, Billm, Digi Steve, Diks,
Kaos_reflex, KRP not from Coffs Harbour, Moose, Muse,
Nottingham Smithie, Stumpy Steve, The Great Gussius, Whizzbang, and the
inevitable anonymous.

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An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He
immediately dials 999.

Irishman: ''It's my wife! I've accidentally shot her, I've killed her!''

Operator: ''Please calm down Sir, can you first make sure she is actually
dead!''

*click* *BANG*

Irishman: ''Okay, done that. What next?''

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Timeless classic
 Click here

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Saw an old friend of mine the other day, so I asked him how things were.
†
He told me that things were bad ... his missus wasn't talking to him.
†
I saw him again today & asked how things were now.
†
He said they were worse.
†
I asked him to share his feelings as to how worse things could get.
†
He said that she was now talking to him ...
†
Need I say more!

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I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to
the starving people throughout the world.

I told them to p*ss off!

Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!

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I've spent 95% of my money on women and drink....the rest of it I've
wasted.

I just broke up with this cross-eyed bird. I thought she was seeing someone
else.

There are only two times in a man's life when we don't understand
women...before marriage and then again after marriage.

When you're girlfriend asks, "Does my bum look big in this?" Never reply,
"The dress or the room?"

I support feminists ... if only they put all that passion into their
cooking.

Apparently women have far cleaner minds than men. Hardly surprising as they
change them every five minutes of the day!

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I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, the wars, jobs,
Savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc.

I called the Samaritans.

Got a call centre in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

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A lady walked into a Police Station, the desk Sergeant said, "Can I help
you Madam?

"Yes," she said, "I'd like to report a case of s*xual assault."

"Where did it happen? the Sergeant asked.

"In the park just down the road," she replied.

"Can you describe what happened ?"

"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a
man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there,
removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way
with me."

"Could you give me a description of him ?"

"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he
had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on
each leg."

"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman," said the
Sergeant.

"Yes," said the lady, "He was an English Cricketer."

"That's very observant," said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his
accent ?"

"No," she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long."

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News items from ABC Melbourne - with minor adustments for clarification.

Today's news reports included this top 3.

Number 1:

Laneway s*x romp causes neighbourhood panic

Police in Alice Springs say officers responded to an apparent violent
disturbance only to find it was a couple having s*x.

A Gap Road resident called police at 6.30am today, saying she heard someone
in distress behind her fence.

When officers arrived in the laneway behind the house, they interrupted a
naked couple having s*x on a mattress.

The officers asked the couple to stop f*cking around and move on.

Number 2:

Newman charged over road rage incident

TV personality Sam Newman is due to face court on October 19.

Television personality Sam Newman has been charged over an alleged road
rage incident in Melbourne.

Police served the 63-year-old with a summons for criminal damage, parking
and offensive language charges last Friday.

He is accused of damaging a car in Middle Park in July.

Newman is due to face court on October 19.

Newman is a star of Channel Nine's The Footy Show, a former AFL star and
well known f*ckwit.


And number 3:

Al Qaeda's number 2 in new video

Al Qaeda's number two Ayman al-Zawahri has appeared in an apparent new
video marking the September 11, 2001 attacks against the
United States, according to a US-based terrorism monitoring service.

Zawahri appeared in the 106-minute Arabic-language video, entitled The West
and The Dark Tunnel," the SITE Institute said.

He and other Al Qaeda figures spoke of events over the past year, including
the global financial crisis and the election of US
President Barack Obama.

The video was posted on websites often used by Al Qaeda supporters.

Osama bin Laden on September 14 warned Americans over their government's
close ties with Israel in an apparently new audio tape posted on an
Islamist website.

The message, entitled A Statement to the American people, was around 11
minutes long and was posted a few days after the eighth anniversary of the
2001 attacks.

MTV sources say that whilst the video reached number 2, it has a bullet -
engraved with al-Zawahri's name compliments of the CIA.

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BREAKING NEWS:
Authorities have found the source of the Dust Storm that plagued New South
Wales and Queensland yesterday. Some dumb sh*t opened the
New South Wales State of Origin Trophy Cabinet !!!!!!!!!!!!

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Spanish lesson - A helpful family
 Click here

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The 5 Fruits - Which would you pick?

THIS IS QUITE REMARKABLE...

In the middle of the table is a round food tray with five kinds of fruits
on it.

They are:

A. Apple
B. Banana
C. Strawberry
D. Peach
E. Orange

Which fruit will you choose?
Please think VERY carefully and don't rush into it. This is great, I was
astounded!

Your choice reveals a lot about you!

Test results: Please SCROLL DOWN;

If you have chosen:

A. Apple: That means you are a person who loves to eat apples
B. Banana: That means you are a person who loves to eat bananas
C. Strawberry: That means you are a person who loves to eat strawberries
D. Peach: That means you are a person who loves to eat peaches
E. Orange : That means you are a person who loves to eat oranges

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Sporting Blunders
 Click here Click here

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Shark V Octopus
 Click here
For those of you that are amazed by nature...

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Texas Flashlight?
 Click here
Must have!

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Vey good question ...
 Click here

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Wish I had something to keep the sun out of my eyes (!)
 Click here

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Elevator surprise
 Click here

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This mouse diced with death when it tucked into the lunch of a hungry
leopard. Seemingly unaware of the beast towering over it, the mischievous
rodent grabbed at scraps of meat thrown into the African Leopard's
enclosure. But instead of pouncing on the tiny intruder the 12-year-old
leopard, called Sheena, appeared to be afraid of the daring mouse and kept
her distance. At one stage she tried to nudge the mouse away with her nose,
but the determined little chap carried on chewing away until he was full.
 Click here Click here Click here

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How Britain is dealing with the credit crunch.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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Nothing is wasted in China.
 Click here

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Dust Storm At Ayers Rock (Ularu, Northern Territory)
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Bathurst overtakaing
 Click here

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Facebook fails
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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Another qualified truck driver ...
This is how you do a U-turn in the middle of the road. A 40ft trailer and
the road is only 35 feet wide. So you can do the math.
Driver received a $12,200 fine.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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Applied Physics - the very first engineer.
 Click here

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Doncha wish ya girlfriend was hot like me ...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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Thats what I call a pet.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
If you thought the legend of the horse whisperer was impressive, here's an
animal tale with even more bite.
Rather than trying to tame wild stallions, fearless Costa Rican fisherman
Chito prefers a playful wrestle in the water with his best pal Pocho - a
deadly 17ft crocodile.

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Wrong bookshop?
 Click here

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How stupid can people be, really?!?
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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