Friday humour - September 18, 2009

From Burnout at Bluehaze

There has been a whole bunch of hype over the last year or so, where the
Australian population have been bombarded with the messages that we are
carbon polluters & are causing the climate to change. (If this is the case
it irrelevant here as I would like to address an associated matter).

One group of which we are all members, is as motorists. We are bombarded
with the value of hybrid vehicles and were told to be 'Prius lovers'.
As with the last fuel shock of the 1970's some truths about all the hype of
these or similar wacky ideas and vehicles is coming to light in the
naughties.

Some of you might like to take a look at this to keep informed:
 Click here .


If you think governments in this country are actually helping out with this
global warming stuff you will be interested to hear that you can shove
solar cells on the roof of your home to generate power which goes into the
grid.
The Feds give you a rebate for doing so and the power generators pay you
for the power you generate.

The states on the other hand on average have in one way or another caused
the retail price of power to go up 14% to 20%this year. And here in sunny
Queensland local Councils are refusing solar power installations on houses
because they are: unsightly, cause reflections, get too hot & are
therefore dangerous and other utter rubbish.

In June 2009, the Feds scrapped the "remote solar users scheme" which paid
for half the capital costs of remote power in ATSI communities and on
remote cattle stations in our "beloved Centralia".
For example: one ATSI community has had to install a diesel generating
plant costing $20,000.00 a year in fuel costs and you guessed it, upping
greenhouse emissions........and their generator will only run for four to
6 hours per day.

If you think buying a couple of trees 'in the Mallee' is going to make a
difference in light of these ineptitudes, you should go and get help, now!

Just consider for a minute, how do these systems (like the Prius) and
elected stupidity, provide for conservation of oil resources and reduction
in greenhouse emissions when the production of more new vehicles will more
than offset the consumption savings the new vehicles have over the old?

Think of all the fossil fuels required to melt and cast all the metals,
make all the plastics and power the plants etc. A saving of 10mpg is not
going to offset that in a car like the Prius, not ever.

Make no mistake; although they put an environmental spin on it by quoting
the difference in fuel consumption, this is not what it is all about.

The environment is their distant secondary concern!

And another thing:

Vale Mike LEYLAND of the "LEYLAND Brothers", who brought wild Australia
into our homes & convinced many I'm sure that they too could produce good
Television.

And just yesterday Mary TRAVERS of "Peter, Paul & Mary" a Folk Group of
world wide fame in the 1960's. Thanks for the memories!


To quote a popular Australian during his finest hour:

"So... here we go!"

From: Anatinus

The pencil...

The value of a Catholic education and a pencil (this is too cute)!....You
don't even have to be Catholic to appreciate this one.

Little Margaret Mary was not the best student in Catholic School .. Usually
she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell me
Margaret Mary, who created the universe?'

When Margaret Mary didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting
behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear..

'God Almighty!' shouted Margaret Mary.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Margaret Mary, 'Who is our Lord and Saviour?'

But Margaret Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to
her rescue and stuck Margaret Mary in the butt with the pencil.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Margaret Mary and the Nun once again said,'Very
good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she
had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Margaret Mary jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that f***#@^
thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted.

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Last week a contributor sent in this: "Cancer and Armpits"

One of our anonymous contributors had some trouble finding this item
convincing. So here is his response with the other offering below - ED.

G'day gents
Re the bit about breast cancer and armpits: you could drive a road train
through the holes in that 'argument.' Suffice to say that Father
Christmas,
the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and a sound economic decision by Kevin
Rudd are all more viable than that old wives' tale. Actually, maybe I'll
reconsider that bit about Kevin Rudd....

Cheers

Cancer and Armpits
Don't think this qualifies as scientific research but what if there is some
truth in it? [Snopes isn't sure - Ed.]
Why breast cancer is usually found near the armpit?
Some time ago, I attended a Breast Cancer Awareness seminar and I asked why
the most common area for Breast Cancer was near the armpit.
My question could not be answered at hat time.
This e-mail was just sent to me, and I find it interesting that my question
has been answered.
I challenge you all to rethink your every day use of a product that could
ultimately lead to a terminal illness.
As of today, I will change my use.
I showed it to another friend going through chemotherapy & she said she
learned this fact in a support group recently.
The leading cause of breast cancer is the use of anti-perspirant.
*What???*
*Yes,* *ANTI-PERSPIRANT*.
Most of the products out there are an anti-perspirant /deodorant
combination, so go home and check deodorant is fine,
anti-perspirant is not!
Here's why: - The human body has a few areas that it uses to purge toxins;
behind the knees, behind the ears, groin area, and armpits.
The toxins are purged in the form of perspiration.
Anti-perspirant, as the name clearly indicates, prevents you from
perspiring, thereby inhibiting the body from purging toxins from below the
armpits.
These toxins do not just magically disappear.
Instead, the body deposits them in the lymph nodes below the arms since it
cannot sweat them out.
Nearly all breast cancer tumours occur in the upper outside quadrant of the
breast area.
This is precisely where the lymph nodes are located.
Additionally, men are less likely (but not completely exempt) to develop
breast cancer prompted by anti-perspirant usage because most of the
anti-perspirant product is caught in their underarm hair and is not
directly applied to the skin.
Women who apply anti-perspirant right after shaving increase the risk
further because shaving causes almost imperceptible nicks in the skin
which give the chemicals entrance into the body from the armpit area.
PLEASE pass this along to anyone you care about.
Breast cancer is becoming frighteningly common.
This awareness may save lives.

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From: Duke of Barsinov

THE TAXMAN
COMETH

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the
books of a
Synagogue.


While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice
you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'


'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to
the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of
candles.'


'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question
had a practical answer.


But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

'What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the
crumbs?'

'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them
back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box
of bread-wafers.'

'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the
know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well,
Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from
the circ*mcisions you perform?'

'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the
Rabbi...

'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and
about once a year they send us a complete d*ck.'


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From: Stumpy Steve

THIS IS LABOUR GOVERNMENT

REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and
improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the
summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the
cold.

THE END

------------------------------------------------------------------------

LABOUR GOVERNMENT THE UK VERSION

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and
improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the
summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference
and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well
fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and
starving.

The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper;
with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a
table laden with food.

The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a
country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so,
while others have plenty.

The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of
GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house. The BBC, interrupting a
cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts
a multi-cultural choir singing 'We shall overcome'.

Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the
squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an
immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his 'fair share' and
increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London .

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic
Equity and Grasshopper anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the
beginning of the summer.

The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for
failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his
home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the
grasshopper did not want to work. The grasshopper is provided with a
council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local
taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is
seized and re-distributed to the more needy members of society, in this
case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly
imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building
a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as
a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get
to
Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival
they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain 's apparent love of
dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and
attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed
them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to
return them to their own country were abandoned, because it was feared
they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to
obtain money from people's credit cards.

A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing the last of the
squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the council
house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain
the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is
blamed for the grasshoppers' drug 'illness'.

The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since
arrival in UK .

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to
get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately
because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care
of the probation service to monitor and supervise him.. Within a few weeks
he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.

A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state
the obvious, is set up. Additional money is put into funding a drug
rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers
representing asylum seekers is increased. The government praises the
asylum-seeking cats for enriching
Britain 's multicultural diversity, and dogs are criticised by the
government for failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press
blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes
of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of
prison.
They call for the resignation of a government minister.

The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed
when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United
Kingdom .

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the
burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their
credit cards to cover losses. Their taxes are increased to pay for law and
order, and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a
shortfall in government funds.

THE END


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From: Stumpy Steve

Two Asian drug addicts are in hospital after injecting themselves with
curry powder. One has a dodgy tikka, the other is in a korma.


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My best mate is entering the X-Factor this year and I wanted to give him
all the help and support I can.

So I've killed his mum.


Make little things count, teach maths to midgets.


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From: Whizzbang (The News Maker - ED)

Hi Everyone!

This is what I came across this morning. It happened at the intersection of
Shugarshed Rd & Farleigh Dumbleton Rd as I was on my way to Proserpine. It
appears that there was an electrical short in the tractor which sent it up
in flames. Luckily the driver managed to get out safely.

As I was standing on the road directing traffic I decided to pull out my
mobile and record. You will hear a couple of bang which are the tyres
exploding and then you will see the fuel tank explode followed by the heat
bringing the power lines down. This footage has been passed onto Channel 7
but they didn't use it

 Click here


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So it's on with some AV stuff now!

From: Allnutts
IKEA for the divorced mother

 Click here


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From: Anonymous
Guys Are Cool

 Click here


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From: Megazorch
Solenoid ensemble

Concerto for solenoids.

 Click here


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From: Diks
aqua rattler  - This guy is nuts!
 


 Who says only moccasins like water??   Be alert when fishing!!! Check out
this link. I didn't know rattlesnakes went out this far into the water. I
would hate to be in a kayak with this guy coming at me. Turn up your
speakers if you have them.   
 Click here

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From: Anonymous (Not funny mate, I'm going to publish it because we need
this from time to time. - ED).
Remind Me to Quit Complaining

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here


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From: Anonymous
In 2003 the US Navy initiates it's new "Terrorist Catch & Release Program"

 Click here Click here


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Blind Cricket

 Click here


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A simple 5th grade maths problem.

 Click here

This is a 5th grade math problem.  If you can open the spreadsheet, you'll
see it's a very small list of people who have gotten the correct number.
This is not a trick question. This is a real math problem so don't say that
a bus has no legs.

There are 7 girls in a bus.
Each girl has 7 backpacks.
In each backpack, there are 7 big cats.
For every big cat there are 7 little cats.

Question: How many legs are there in the bus?
(The number of legs is the password to unlock the Excel sheet.  If you open
it, add your name and send it on to see who else can unlock it and yes I
did that's why you have it.)

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Things you don't see every day

 Click here


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ATO Sharpener

These are being sent out to remind each Tax Payer how much the ATO does for
them each year!

 Click here


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From: Diks
Hottest T-Shirt In Philly

 Click here


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From: Diks
Why can't I get a job?

Dear Parents & Grandparents,
When the teenagers in your life want their hair cut into a 7 inch
Mohawk and dyed every colour of the rainbow, put up the tiniest bit of a
fight, like you really don't want them to ..... but LET THEM!  Let them
have the MOST hideous hair styles and colours on the face of the earth!
 
Hair will grow back. Tattoos are forever and piercing leave big ugly
holes. 
Pick your battles. 


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From: Mitta
A distraction

 Click here


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From: Moose
The Smart Car

It's cute, frugal on gas and has a high safety rating according to the
manufacturer.

 Click here

But in reality, you can't change the laws of physics.....

 Click here

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From: Moose
Photos Speak Loudly

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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From: Nottingham Smithie
WHO DID THEIR LANDSCAPING? VIAGRA COMPANY HEADQUARTERS.

 Click here

 Click here


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From: Nottingham Smithie

Michael Jackson's ghost as seen by millions on Larry King Live.

 Click here

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From: Seasoldier
Underwire

          Various Types of Bra
          For some women, it's easy to find bras that fit in styles they
like.  But many others aren't so lucky, spending endless time and money in
search of that elusive perfect style and fit.


          The underwire bra is designed to provide additional lift.
Underwire can be found in many different styles of bras.  Some women swear
by their underwire and others find them very uncomfortable.  One way to
determine if this is a style of bra that will work for you is to give it a
try.

 Click here

Underwire bra - from Paris

 Click here

Underwire bra - from Saskatchewan

 Click here


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From: Stumpy Steve
Guess who's daughter this is? She didn't get her father's looks!]

 Click here

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From: Whizzbang (along with his collection this week - ED)
AMAZING SIGHT

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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The yacht 'Maiken' was travelling in the south Pacific when the crew came
across a weird sight -
It was sand in the water, and the sand was floating ON TOP of the waves...
Look at these photos and try to imagine the feeling, the thrill of
experiencing this phenomenon close-up.


This is not a beach, it is volcanic stones floating on the water.


The trail left by the yacht... through the sand
And then this was spotted... ash and steam rising from the ocean...


And, while they were watching...

A plume of black ash...

A brand new island formed...

Awesome! Can you imagine the thrill of being the first & only people to see
a new island being created ... where there was nothing before?

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Subject:  dangerous goods from china

I thought I would send this around - just because in reality you would
never think of anything like this & we all have lots of kids in our lives
- who do put hair ties in their mouths?!?!


Be cautious of hair bands at open markets around the city - they are
probably from
China since they are purchased in bulk very very cheap !!!!

Take a good look before buying hair bands in future - specially like the
following kind.....


These Hair bands were made from used condoms and threads.


BEIJING (AFP) - Used condoms are being recycled into hair bands in southern
China threatening to spread s*xually-transmittable diseases they were
originally meant to prevent, state media reported Tuesday

In the latest example of potentially harmful Chinese-made products, rubber
hair bands have been found in local markets and beauty salons in Dongguan
and Guangzhou cities in southern Guangdong province, China Daily newspaper
said.

'These cheap and colourful rubber bands and hair ties sell well .....
threatening the health of local people,' it said.. Despite being recycled,
the hair bands could still contain bacteria and viruses, it said.

'People could be infected with AIDS, (genital) warts or other diseases if
they hold the rubber bands or strings in their mouths while waving their
hair into plaits or buns,' the paper quoted a local dermatologist who gave
only his surname, Dong, as saying. A bag of ten of the recycled bands sells
for just Rs. 5, much cheaper than others on the market,
accounting for their popularity,
the paper said.

A government official was quoted as saying recycling condoms was illegal.
China 's manufacturing industry has been repeatedly tarnished this year by
a string of scandals involving shoddy or dangerous goods made for both
domestic and foreign markets.

In response, it launched a public relations blitz this summer aimed at
playing up efforts to strengthen monitoring systems.

Check your kids hair bands and make sure they do not put them in their
mouth while trying to plait or tie their hair .

See below for Chinese Slippers now being sold in Walmart in the US .
Hopefully, they are not yet in India ...


REMEMBER THE PAINT ON KIDS TOYS

?


This is very true as I heard it in news from one of our local radios here
that our govt has to be extra careful on these cheap imports from china..
These includes clothes, food, toys, slippers and even glasses because the
Chinese are using some strong but cheap chemical in their manufacturing
process. Cheap is becoming expensive and at the same time fatal.

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


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Think we have it bad now?

Values and Virtues were higher,
Needs were few, but scarce as the meagre scraps of existence.
Do we really have it that bad now?

America... during the years of

1935 - 1939


AND WE THINK WE'VE GOT IT BAD!

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Hillbilly saw---- Red Green

 Click here


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10 Different types of drugs that should not be taken while driving

 Click here

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State of the art electric locomotive mine haulage.

No way, these guys are crazy ....SAFETY FIRST.

 Click here

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New fire fighting appliance

 Click here

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What can you say....]

 Click here


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Faceless

 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Superb Puzzle

 Click here


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Pole Dancing Finals

 Click here

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Don't drop the soap

 Click here

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Possibly the Best Ad EVER (close, very close -ED)

 Click here

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From: anonymous
Knowledge

 Click here

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From a cape town newspaper

I (quite accidentally) happened to stumble upon this notice in a small
paper of a certain suburb in Cape Town. After calming down from laughing
hysterically, I had to say - only in South Africa. Nowhere else in the
world will you get this:

Under the "Neighbourhood watch update"  (the neighbourhood watch is a local
organisation for crime prevention):

Digital camera needed

Our police need a digital camera for crime scene photos as well as of
suspects. Up until now officers have used their cell phones. However, the
new phones issued to officers, although they still have the camera
facility,
cannot transmit photos. Also they need better quality photos.
We cannot give a camera because it could be construed as bribery but if you
can lend a digital camera to the police it will help them and be much
appreciated, If you can assist please contact.........


So the police department needs a camera. One camera. For crime scenes and
suspects. And they are asking for a loan only (lest it be seen as a bribe
of course). Isn't it comforting to hear such news in a country with one of
the highest crime rates in the world?

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Pigeon transfers data faster than South Africa's Telkom


FRUSTRATED IT workers have shown that a pigeon can transfer data faster
than a major internet service provider (ISP).

Workers at a South African
Click here
technology&q=South African> information technology company this week proved
it was faster for them to transmit data with a carrier pigeon than to send
it using Telkom, the country's leading ISP.

Africa's largest economy has poor internet speed and connectivity - and
high costs - because of a bandwidth shortage.

Local news agency SAPA reported the 11-month-old pigeon,
Winston, took one hour and eight minutes to fly the 80 km from Unlimited
IT's offices near Pietermaritzburg to the coastal city of Durban with a
data card was strapped to its leg.

The transfer took two hours, six minutes and 57 seconds -
including downloading from the pigeon's card.

During that time, only four per cent of the data was transferred using a
Telkom line.


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Wedding  Fairy:

A married couple in their early 60 ' s were celebrating  their 40th Wedding
Anniversary in a quiet, romantic little  restaurant....

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on  their table.  She said,
"For being such an exemplary married couple  and for being loving to each
other for all this time, I will grant you each  a wish."

The wife answered,  "Oh, I want to  travel around the world  with my
darling husband."   The fairy  waved her magic wand and - poof! - two
tickets for the Queen Mary II  appeared in her hands.

The  husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an
opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish
is to have a wife 30 years younger than I." The wife,  and the fairy,  were
deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy  waved her magic wand and poof!....the husband  became 93
years old.   The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards
should remember  fairies are female.....

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I bought a new Toyota Landcruiser and returned to the dealer yesterday
because I couldn't get the radio to work.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio.

The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'

'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.

Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant 'Georgia On My Mind'
replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say,
'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,
'Beatles,' I'd get one of their songs.

Yesterday, some bloke ran a red light and nearly creamed me, but I swerved
in time to avoid them. I yelled, 'Arsehole!'

Immediately the radio responded with a speech by Kevin Rudd

Damn I LOVE these Tojos'!!!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

And finally:

This is how I feel about work today

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Quote of the Week:

All men should strive to learn before they die, what they are running from,
and to, and why.

James Thurber


Burnout
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[ End friday humour ]

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