Friday humour - September 11, 2009


[from Steve @ Bluehaze]

Salutations to all you readers out there! Did anyone notice the passing of
09/09/09 09:09? I didn't.

The web incarnation of Friday Humour now has a search facility so you can
find that obscure joke or video that you always wanted to see again.

I was going to have a crack at our evermore stupefying politicians here
today, but I realised that the language I wanted to use would be
inappropriate, even for FH. More truthfully, I just didn’t know where to
start. Perhaps it is their goal to bludgeon us into aghast inactivity with
their ever escalating inanity. If so then they may well be succeeding. I
now know why there is no other intelligent life in the universe. Their
planet didn’t survive their politicians either. Especially the ones with
learning difficulties. Joe did make it to Canberra after all.

His weeks offerings mostly come from Allnutts, Burnout, Croydon Caz, Diks,
Duke of Barsinov, Kaos_reflex, Mitta, Moose, Nottingham
Smithie, Seasoldier, Stumpy Steve and Whizzbang.

Enjoy!

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A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a cab in New York City.
It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.
"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.
The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the
truth? They're hookers, boy! They have s*x with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, Mom?"
His mother, glaring hard at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, what happens to the babies those
women have?"
"Most of them become cab drivers," she said.

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This was sent around from Thomas Cook Holidays - listing some of the
guest's complaints during the season.

1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store
does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often
needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."

3. "On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost
every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to
bring our swimming costumes and towels."

5. A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who
spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this
rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".

6. A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked
in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on
the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.

7. "The beach was too sandy."

8. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure
shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

9. A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and
strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

10. "Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was
ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

11. "We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street
trader, only to find out they were fake."

12. "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were
startled."

13. "There was no egg slicer in the apartment..."

14. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as
they were all Spanish..."

15. "The roads were uneven.."

16. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took
the Americans three hours to get home."

17. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends'
three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

18. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're
trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"

19. "There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish.
The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."

20. "We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

21. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly
guests before we travel."

22. "I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

23. "My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a
double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find
myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the
room that we booked."

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Cancer and Armpits 
Don't think this qualifies as scientific research but what if there is some
truth in it? [Snopes isn't sure - Ed.]  
Why breast cancer is usually found near the armpit?
Some time ago, I attended a Breast Cancer Awareness seminar and I asked why
the most common area for Breast Cancer was near the armpit.
My question could not be answered at hat time.
This e-mail was just sent to me, and I find it interesting that my question
has been answered.
I challenge you all to rethink your every day use of a product that could
ultimately lead to a terminal illness.
As of today, I will change my use.
I showed it to another friend going through chemotherapy & she said she
learned this fact in a support group recently.
The leading cause of breast cancer is the use of anti-perspirant.
*What???*
*Yes,* *ANTI-PERSPIRANT*.
Most of the products out there are an anti-perspirant /deodorant
combination, so go home and check deodorant is fine,
anti-perspirant is not!
Here's why: - The human body has a few areas that it uses to purge toxins;
behind the knees, behind the ears, groin area, and armpits.
The toxins are purged in the form of perspiration.
Anti-perspirant, as the name clearly indicates, prevents you from
perspiring, thereby inhibiting the body from purging toxins from below the
armpits.
These toxins do not just magically disappear.
Instead, the body deposits them in the lymph nodes below the arms since it
cannot sweat them out.
Nearly all breast cancer tumours occur in the upper outside quadrant of the
breast area.
This is precisely where the lymph nodes are located.
Additionally, men are less likely (but not completely exempt) to develop
breast cancer prompted by anti-perspirant usage because most of the
anti-perspirant product is caught in their underarm hair and is not
directly applied to the skin.
Women who apply anti-perspirant right after shaving increase the risk
further because shaving causes almost imperceptible nicks in the skin
which give the chemicals entrance into the body from the armpit area.
PLEASE pass this along to anyone you care about.
Breast cancer is becoming frighteningly common.
This awareness may save lives.

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MARRIAGE PROPOSAL IN PUNJABI ENGLISH (DON'T LAUGH; DEADLY SERIOUS)
Have you ever been around Asian Indians? If so you will fall over laughing!
And they say romance is dead!

Madam:

I am an olden young uncle living only with myself in Lahore. Having seen
your advertisement for marriage purposes, I decided to press myself on you
and hope you will take me nicely.

I am a soiled son from inside Punjab. I am nice and big, six foot tall, and
six inches long. My body is filled with hardness, as because I am working
hardly. I am playing hardly also. Especially I like cricket, and I am a
good batter and I am a fast baller.
Whenever I come running in for balling, other batters start running.
Everybody is scared of my rapid balls that bounce a lot.

I am very nice man. I am always laughing loudly at everyone. I am jolly. I
am gay. ladies, they are saying I am nice and soft. Am always giving
respect to the ladies. I am always allowing ladies to get on top. That is
how nice I am. I am not having any bad habits. I am not drinking and I am
not sucking tobacco or anything else. Every morning I am going to the Jim
and I am pumping like anything. Daily I am pumping and pumping. If you
want you can come and see how much I am pumping the dumb belles in the
Jim.

I am having a lot of money in my pants and my pants is always open for you.
I am such a nice man, but still I am living with myself only. What to do?
So I am taking things into my own hands everyday. That is why I am
pressing myself on you, so that you will come in my house and my things
into your hand.

If you are marrying me madam, I am telling you, I will be loving you very
hard every day. Fact, I will stop pumping dumb belles in the Jim. If you
are not marrying me madam and not coming to me, I will press you and press
you until you come. So I am placing my head between your nicely smelling
feet looking up with lots of hope.

I am waiting very badly for your reply and I am stiff with anticipation.

Expecting soon Yours and only yours Choudhary Warraich, born by mother in
Okara and become big in Lahore , Punjab

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Carb problems

THE STRANDED MOTORCYCLIST ...
On a bitterly cold winter's day several years ago in northern British
Columbia, an RCMP constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist, who was
swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside.
"What's the matter?" asked the Mountie.
"Carburettor's frozen," was the terse reply.
"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."
"Can't."
"OK, I will."
The constable lubricated the carburettor, as promised. The bike started and
the rider drove off, waving.
A few days later, the RCMP detachment office received a note of thanks from
the father of the motorbike rider.
It began: "On behalf of my daughter, who recently was stranded ..."

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Winner of "Joke of the Year 2009"

Two women were sitting together, quietly.

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Did you know this? I didn't. I especially like the idea when passing a semi
truck. Worth a try, right?

GOOD VISION IN A DOWNPOUR

How to achieve good vision while driving during a heavy downpour. I can
vouch for this!!
We are not sure why it is so effective just try this method when it rains
heavily.
This method was told by a Police friend who had experienced and confirmed
it.
It is useful ... even driving at night.
Most of the motorists would turn on HIGH or FASTEST SPEED of the wipers
during heavy downpour, yet the visibility in front of the windscreen is
still bad.
In the event you face such a situation, just try your SUN GLASSES (any
model will do), and miracle! All of a sudden, your visibility in front of
your windscreen is perfectly clear, as if there is no rain.
Make sure you always have a pair of SUN GLASSES in your car, as you are not
only helping yourself to drive safely with good vision,
but also might save your friend's life by giving him this idea.
Try it yourself and share it with your friends! Amazing, you still see the
drops on the windshield, but not the sheet of rain falling. You can see
where the rain bounces off the road. It works to eliminate the "blindness"
from passing semi's spraying you too. Or the "kickup" if you are following
a semi or car in the rain.
They ought to teach that little tip in driver's training.
It really does work.

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Good news about wine!

Wine does not make you FAT
It makes you LEAN...

....against tables,
    chairs,
    floors,
    walls
   & ugly people.

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These are great!
 Click here

Test driving a new boat ...
 Click here

New breakfast choice for those working breakfast meetings
 Click here Click here Click here Click here
Mario's Cafe in Warren Street, London: a BIG breakfast for £10.
Eat it all in 20 mins with no drink to wash it down with and you get it
free.
It's 10 eggs, 10 bacon, 10 sausage, 10 toast, 5 black puddings, tomatoes,
beans and mushrooms.
The breakfast packs in 5,000 calories - nearly twice the recommended daily
intake for an average man..
A spokesman for the British Heart Foundation said: "Eating this amount in
one sitting is not a good idea.".

Would this freak you out?
 Click here

Who Said Romance is Dead? - Glasgow personal ads.........
 Click here

Getting help!
 Click here

How not to plant a roadside bomb ...
 Click here
Ordnance Rule #1: Don't wiggle the thing too much. The video of thermal
footage was recorded from an AC-130 gunship from a mile or more away.  No
rounds were fired by the aircraft. The problem solved itself with no
intervention. Some Jihadists were trying to bury an IED made from a 155 mm
artillery shell. Evidently they lost the instruction manual. 

Watch the Translator
 Click here

The proper way to listen to classical music - with that smell of Napalm in
the morning ...
 Click here

The Joys of getting old!!!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Africa from the Air
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Finally ...
 Click here
What a fantastic invention for lazy grubby bastards!

Unique Headstones
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Wow ... look at this house.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Get past the train pics and just see how it looks inside!
 Click here

Posters
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Strange & Special Purpose Aircraft
 Click here

Forestry issue: The destructive power of beavers. (Xish)
 Click here
Beavers left unattended can clear a forest in no time.

Rumours (Xish)
To: All my friends and family;
I'm letting you know before you hear it from anyone in the family or
through the rumour mill, that I have been contacted by a woman who alleges
that I am the father of her child. I do not know whether she wishes to
substantiate this by means of a DNA test, however she has sent a
photograph of the child, which bears a very strong and undeniable
resemblance. On the basis of this photographic evidence I have decided to
begin paying child support immediately.
 Click here

Never trust a fart!
 Click here

Cards
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Just when you think that you have everything for camping out and sitting
around the fire at the lake someone comes up with something new.
 Click here

These are actual peppers from a garden. They are called 'Peter Peppers'.
HONEST !!
By the way, the farmer says they can grow up to 18" long!
Sort of brings tears to your eyes, doesn't it?
 Click here

7 year old Break-dance ... whoa!
 Click here

Cry Wolf
 Click here

Sure Wish Somebody Would Invent Something To Keep The Sun Out Of My Eyes.
 Click here

Bad!
 Click here

How to build the Sydney harbour bridge.
 Click here

Safety photo of the week -- Indian sunshade
 Click here

For the cat lovers
 Click here

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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