Friday humour - September 04, 2009


[ from Davo at Bluehaze ]


G'day


The Government of Victoria has appointed Metro Trains Melbourne to run
Melbourne's suburban train network for eight years commencing in November.

Metro Trains Melbourne is a consortium majority owned by the Government of
Hong Kong.

All subsidies and profits will go to the good people of Hong Kong.

What a shame the current State Labor Government, and the Honourable Liberal
Opposition (which originally privatised the system), aren't prepared to
take responsibility for the network and run it for the benefit of the good
of people of Victoria without all the subsidies and profits going
off-shore?


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First up from new contributore 4M

                              Best British One-Liners

Critics from Dave TV Click here sat through the telling of

thousands of jokes at the Edinburgh (Scotland) Fringe Festival, and
pronounced these the Top 10 Funniest one-liners:

10) "I started so many fights at my school. I had that attention-deficit
disorder. So I didn't finish a lot of them." -Simon Brodkin (as Lee
Nelson)

9) "I've been reading the news about there being a civil war in
Madagascar. Well, I've seen it six times and there isn't." -Dan Antopolski

8) "A spa hotel? It's like a normal hotel, only in reception there's a
picture of a pebble". -Rhod Gilbert

7) "To the people who've got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn't
invent it!" -Marcus Brigstocke

6) "Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for s*x. You know
you're going to get it, but it's going to be rough." -Adam Hills

5) "I'm sure wherever my dad is, he's looking down on us. He's not dead.
Just very condescending." -Jack Whitehall

4) "I went on a girl's night out recently. The invitation said 'dress to
kill.' I went as Rose West." -Zoe Lyons

3) "I had my b**bs measured and bought a new bra. Now I call them Joe
Cocker and Jennifer Warnes because they're up where they belong." -Sarah
Millican

2) "I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a
chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be
interesting.'" -Paddy Lennox

1) "Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?" -Dan Antopolski


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These came from You Know Who You Are

                                       Putting It In!

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I
almost had an affair with another woman.' 

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' 

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I
stopped.' 

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not
to see that woman again. 

For your penance, say five Hail Mary's an d put $50 in the poor box.' 

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over
to the poor box. 

He paused for a moment and then started to leave. 

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that
you didn't put any money in the poor box!' 

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according
to you, that's the same as putting it in!'   
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                                     Acid Response

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon
entering the confessional, she said,  'Forgive me, Father, for I have
sinned.' 

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.' 

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to
me seven times.' 

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into
a glass and then drink the juice.' 

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?' 

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'   

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                                         Mick Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the  parish priest and
asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a Mass for the poor
creature ?' 

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an
animal in the church. But there are some Baptists  down the lane, and
there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the
creature.' 

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right awa y Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough to
donate to them for the service?' 

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell
me the dog was Catholic?

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                                      Motel Mahem

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,
grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday,I  picked up two college
girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had s*x with each of them
three times..' 

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?' 

Man: 'What sins? ' 

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?' 

Man: 'I'm Jewish.' 

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man:  'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody.
 

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                                     Job at the FBI

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,
interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; Two men and a
woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal
door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
circ*mstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair
...  Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife
and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with
tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'

The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to
kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were
heard,
one after another.  They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her
brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said.  'I had to beat him to death
with the chair.'


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These came from the Duke of Barsinov

                                   Rocket Scientist

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist (true story) ...

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens
at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at
maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of
collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the
windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a
gun was sent to the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled
out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to
smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's
back-rest in two and imbedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an
arrow shot from a bow..

The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the
experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the
British scientists for suggestions. 

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo: 

"Defrost the chicken."


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                                 Australian Culture??

The following tale was relayed to me by James, who was lucky enough to be
at the Oval on the day when the Aussis were all out for 160. He was in a
firm's hospitality box and were visited by Graham Gooch, ex England
player, who told this story ...

He (Graham G.) went on his first Ashes tour of Australia. Before he left,
he was warned that that wonderful country was a little short on culture.

In Melbourne, he was surprised to see the Arts centre, with theatre, art
gallery and concert hall. He concluded that he had been misinformed and
that truly, Oz was a country with culture.

His sister had asked him for a crucifix as a present and so, he went to a
city jewellers and asked to see their tray of crosses. The assistant
replied, 'Is that plain crosses or the ones with the little man on?'!!


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                               What a Bunch of Duds

This is unbelievable, but true!

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 600
employees and has the following employee statistics?

29 have been accused of spouse abuse

7 have been arrested for fraud

9 have been accused of writing bad cheque's

17 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

3 have done time for assault

71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

8 have been arrested for shoplifting

21 are currently defendants in lawsuits

84 have been arrested for drink driving in the last year

Which organisation is this?

It's the 635 members of the House of Commons, the same group that creates
hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

What a bunch we have running our country - it says it all!

And just to top all that they probably have the best 'corporate'
pension scheme in the country!!

Wheres our Mr Cromwell?  We need a Revolution....


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This came from Smithie of Nottingham

                          I LIKE THE SOUND OF THIS MAN

A maverick mayor, elected after promising to slash council spending, clear
the streets of yobs and ditch politically correct services, is the
torchbearer for how towns should be run.

On his first morning as Mayor of Doncaster in South Yorkshire, Peter Davies
cut his salary from £73,000 to £30,000 then closed the council's newspaper
for "peddling politics on the rates".
Now three weeks into his job, Mr Davies is pressing ahead with plans he
hopes will see the number of town councillors cut from 63 to just 21,
saving taxpayers £800,000.
Mr Davies said: "If 100 senators can run the United States of America, I
can't see how 63 councillors are needed to run Doncaster".

He has withdrawn Doncaster from the Local Government Association and the
Local Government Information Unit, saving another £200,000. Mr Davies said,
"They are just talking shops".
"Doncaster is in for some serious untwinning.  We are twinned with probably
nine other cities around the world and they are just for people to fly off
and have a binge at the council's expense".

The mayor's chauffeur-driven car has been axed by Mr Davies and the driver
given another job.
 Mr Davies, born and bred in Doncaster, swept to power in the May election
with 24,244 votes as a candidate for the English Democrats, a party that
wants tight immigration curbs, an English Parliament and a law forcing
every public building to fly the flag of St. George.

He has promised to end council funding for Doncaster's International
Women's
Day, Black History Month and the Lesbian, Gay, Bis*xual and Transgender
History Month.
He said, "Politicians have got completely out of touch with what people
want. We need to cut costs. I want to pass on some savings I make in
reduced taxes and use the rest for things we really need, like improved
children's services".

Mr Davies has received messages from well wishers across the country and
abroad as news of his no-nonsense approach spreads.
Now it's your chance to spread this most sensible way to run a town
council.


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What would we do without Whizzbang???!!!

                  Random thoughts from people 20-35 years old

- More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think
about is that I can't wait for them to finish so  that I can tell my own
story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

- Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realise
you're wrong.

- I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to
have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire  with flint and sticks
when they've invented the lighter?

- Have you ever been walking down the street and realised that you're going
in the complete opposite direction of where you  are supposed to be going?
But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from
which you came, you have  to first do something like check your watch or
phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no
one  in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching
directions on the sidewalk.

- I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was
younger.

- Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know"
feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I  deliberately choose not
to be friends with?

- Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't
work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that  would magically fix
the problem. Every kid did that, but how did we all know how to fix the
problem? There was no internet or  message boards or FAQ's. We just
figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

- There is a great need for sarcasm font.

- Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and
suddenly realise I had no idea what the f*** was going  on when I first
saw it.

- I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes
stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end  up wasting 90 minutes
shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right
parts, then making sure I  laugh just a little bit harder (and a
millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really,
really gets it.

- How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

- I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than
take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

- I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your
computer history if you die.

- LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to
say".

- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

- Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I
hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary  smart".

- How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and
smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to
prevent a d*ck from cutting in at the front. Stay  strong, brothers!

- Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples,
I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a  complete idiot. Today I
had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as
in...(10 second  lapse)..ummm...Goonies".

- What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each
other?

- While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively
swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

- Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the
person died.

- I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower
first and THEN turn on the water.

- Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and
you can wear them forever.

- I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

- Bad decisions make good stories.

- Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile
is public, I feel like a kid on Christmas morning  that just got the Red
Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

- Is it just me or do high school girls get sl*ttier & sl*ttier every year?

- If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would
probably just be completely invisible.

- Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go
around and say their name and where they are from, I  get so incredibly
nervous?
Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem .

- You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when
you've made up your mind that you just aren't  doing anything productive
for the rest of the day.

- Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want
to have to restart my collection.

- There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going
to die after leaning your chair back a little too  far.

- I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I
want to save any changes to my ten page research  paper that I swear I did
not make any changes to.

- "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

- I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching
TV.
There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but  will they judge me if I
keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only
a matter of time before  they all get up and leave the room. Will we still
be friends after this?'

- I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!),
but when I immediately call back, it rings nine  times and goes to
voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Throw the phone and run
away in the opposite direction?

- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing
anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

- When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't
already told me but that I have learned from some  light internet
stalking.

- I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I
like about one in every fifteen songs in my  iTunes.

- Why is a school zone 25 km/h? That seems like the optimal cruising speed
for paedophiles...

- As a driver I hate pedestrians and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no
matter what the mode of transportation, I always  hate cyclists.

- Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not
know what time it is.

- I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
answer when they call.

- Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys
in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the  Tail on the Donkey - but
I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet
away, in about 1.7 seconds,  eyes closed, first time every time...

- My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would
happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I  respond to that?

- I wonder if cops ever get p*ssed off at the fact that everyone they drive
behind obeys the speed limit.

- I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

- The other night I ordered take away and when I looked in the bag, saw
they had included four sets of plastic cutlery. In  other words, someone
at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and
then estimated that there must  be at least four people eating to require
such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's
nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.


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                                  An Indian Mystery

Finally someone has cleared this up for me ...

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us
naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion. The Indian
High Commission in Canberra recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her
wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has
won:-

A - a taxi licence in Adelaide,
B - a convenience store in Melbourne,
C - a service station in Perth,
D - a kebab shop in Brisbane, or
E - a take-away cafe in Sydney.

If there is nothing there, he must take a job in India answering telephones
giving technical advice to Telstra and Optus customers in Australia.


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                                    Father O'Malley

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.  Father O'Malley rose from his
bed one morning. It was a fine spring day  in his new Texas mission
parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the
beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front
lawn.

He promptly called the local police station......

The conversation went like this:

''Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?''

''And the best of the day te yerself.. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann
's
Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying  dead in me front lawn."

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a
smirk,
''Well now Father, it was always my  impression that you people took care
of the last rites!''

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment
........................

Father O'Malley then replied ...

''Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of
kin.''


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This is from Slatts

                      What Starts with F and ends with K ?

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her
students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd
grade and I'm smarter than she is!  I think I should be in the 3rd grade
too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would
give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to
go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed
to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader
should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to
the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The
principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious
and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
answer,
Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and
a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot
of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Better make
Harry the Principal..... I got the last seven questions wrong."

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This weeks AV files are from Seasoldier, Whizzbang, Allnutts, Stumpy Steve,
Nottingham Smithie, Kaos_reflex, Billm, Digi Steve, Burnout, and You know
who you are ...


Memorial Day Air Show.
Manhattan and Long Island below! The clarity of the photos is phenomenal!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

What a Ferrari Looks Like and What it Does, and then the new ...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

P51 crash
 Click here

Root Cause Analysis of Swine Flu - Really Funny
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Tyrol is divided between Germany and Austria.
 Click here

I WONDER IF THIS IS TRUE ....
 Click here

Russian air show WOW
 Click here

UMAHUACA - MARAVILLOSO !!!
 Click here

Cute
 HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES  IN TO SEE
WHAT'S UP.
 THE LITTLE BOY IS GRIPPING ON TO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND 
HITTING HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.
 HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?  YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A
WHILE."
 BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE 'DOODY' YET."
 MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE  MINUTES.  BUT, BILLY, WHY
ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"
 BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR KETCHUP."
 Click here

No Parking???
 Click here

FISHING-Scary
 Click here

Training Wheel Required...
 Click here

Can you see it?
 Click here

Incredible
 Click here

Ghost of jackson
 Click here

String
 Click here

I have a glut of apples this year so have decided to use the cider press ,
here is my idea for an advert
 Click here

A French Player
 Click here

Best balcony display
 Click here Click here Click here

Attention: All Border Patrol Agents
Be on the lookout for a 1951 Chevy, red with white top - thought to be
transporting illegal immigrants!
 Click here

IMPORTANT QUESTION - PLEASE TAKE SERIOUSLY.....
IMPORTANT QUESTION
Please take it Seriously.
In snooker or pool
This question has come up…
Is this Cheating?'
 Click here

GAME....  W A R N I N G !!!  [ XXX ]
 Click here

Strike me
 Click here

Tattoo - Yuk!!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Have a look at this
 Click here

Amazing Excel Sheets !!!!!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

And The Award Goes To . . .
 Click here

You'll love this little fellow.
 Click here

Gymnast
 Click here


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More text now from GG

                                Making a Difference

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a
difference" in the world.  It is at these times that our  hopes are
boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found
the courage to take on challenges that  would make many of us wither. 
Harold Sclumberg is such a person.

I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired'?

Well..I'm fortunate to have a chemical  engineering background, and one of
the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and margaritas into
urine.

And I'm pretty damn good at it, too.


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                              NEW WORLD SURVEY

      Last month a world-wide survey was conducted. The only question
      asked was:-

      "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to
      the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

      The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

      In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

      In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

      In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

      In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

      In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

      In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

      In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

      And, finally,...

      In Australia they hung up because they can't understand an Indian
accent


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                          MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

NICKNAMES

  a.. If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other
Laura, Kate and  Sarah
  b.. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each
other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

  a.. When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20,
even though it's only for $32.50.  None of them will  have anything smaller
and none will actually admit they want change back.
  b.. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

  a.. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
  b.. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on
sale.

BATHROOMS

  a.. A man has maybe six items in his bathroom:  toothbrush and
toothpaste,
shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a   towel
  b.. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. 
A man would not be able to identify more than 20  of these items...

ARGUMENTS

  a.. A woman has the last word in any argument.
  b.. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

  a.. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
  b.. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

  a.. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
spend..
  b.. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

  a.. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
  b.. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

  a.. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
trash, answer the phone, read a  book, and get the  mail.
  b.. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

  a.. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
  b.. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

  a.. Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about
dentist appointments and romances, best friends,  favorite foods, secret
fears and hopes and dreams.
  b.. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE  DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.  There's no use in two people
remembering the same thing!


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From Stumpy Steve


The petrol attendant says "Sorry we're closed".

I said "but your sign says open 24 hours".

He says "Yes, but not in a row".


Not sure if I've said this before, but.... a clear consience is a sign of a
bad memory.


A Korean company recently brought out their own vegetarian version of an
instant noodle snack. It's called 'Not Poodle'.


Sexual harrassment is a really touchy subject.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Finally from Seasoldier

                           What does service mean?


I  was confused when I heard the word 'service'  used with these agencies.

            Revenue   'Service'
            Postal  'Service'
            Telephone 'Service'
            Cable TV 'Service'
            Civil  'Service'
            State, City, Municipal & Public 'Service'
            Customer 'Service'

They don't provide what I  thought 'service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking. One of them said he had hired a
bull to 'service'  a few cows.

BAM!!!     It all came into focus.

Now  I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

Now you are as enlightened as I am .


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                                        Bright Lad

A man in Tesco's tries to buy half a cauliflower. The very young produce
assistant tells him that they sell only whole cauliflowers. The man
persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager
about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, 'Some prat out
there wants to buy half a cauliflower.' As he finished his sentence, he
turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this
gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got
yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their
feet here. Where are you from, son?'

'Liverpool, sir,' the boy replied.

'Well, why did you leave Liverpool?' the manager asked.

The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers up there.'

'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Liverpool.'

'You're kidding?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'


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Quote of the Week:


  "It's a recession when your neighbour loses his job: it's a depression
   when you lose yours."


                                                        - Harry S. Truman


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-end-_.___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


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[ End friday humour ]

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