Friday humour - August 28, 2009

Thank You to all the contributors this week, this edition we have a bumper
crop, and we cannot do it without your help and contributions, when you
get there take a look at the rice field pictures, truly amazing the
ingenuity and creativity of man........... on with the humour, the first
one up is a thought provoking piece, but it does at least show we also
have a sensitive side.


As she stood in front of her 5th grade class on the very first day of
school, she told the children an untruth. Like most teachers, she looked
at her students and said that she loved them all the same.

However, that was impossible, because there in the front row, slumped in
his seat, was a little boy named Teddy Stoddard.

Mrs. Thompson had watched Teddy the year before and noticed that he did not
play well with the other children, that his clothes were messy and that he
constantly needed a bath. In addition, Teddy could be unpleasant. It got
to the point where Mrs. Thompson would actually take delight in marking
his papers with a broad red pen, making bold X's and then putting a big
'F' at the top of his papers.

At the school where Mrs. Thompson taught, she was required to review each
child's past records and she put Teddy's off until last. However, when she
reviewed his file, she was in for a surprise.


Teddy's first grade teacher wrote, 'Teddy is a bright child with a ready
laugh. He does his work neatly and has good manners... he is a joy to be
around..'

His second grade teacher wrote, 'Teddy is an excellent student, well liked
by his classmates, but he is troubled because his mother has a terminal
illness and life at home must be a struggle.'

His third grade teacher wrote, 'His mother's death has been hard on him. He
tries to do his best, but his father doesn't show much interest, and his
home life will soon affect him if some steps aren't taken.'

Teddy's fourth grade teacher wrote, 'Teddy is withdrawn and doesn't show
much interest in school. He doesn't have many friends and he sometimes
sleeps in class.'

By now, Mrs. Thompson realised the problem and she was ashamed of herself.
She felt even worse when her students brought her Christmas presents,
wrapped in beautiful ribbons and bright paper, except for Teddy's. His
present was clumsily wrapped in the heavy, brown paper that he got from a
grocery bag. Mrs. Thompson took pains to open it in the middle of the
other presents. Some of the children started to laugh when she found a
rhinestone bracelet with some of the stones missing, and a bottle that was
one-quarter full of perfume. But she stifled the children's laughter when
she exclaimed how pretty the bracelet was, putting it on, and dabbing some
of the perfume on he r wrist.
Teddy Stoddard stayed after school that day just long enough to say, 'Mrs.
Thompson, today you smelled just like my Mum used to.'

After the children left, she cried for at least an hour. On that very day,
she quit teaching reading, writing and arithmetic. Instead, she began to
teach children. Mrs. Thompson paid particular attention to Teddy As she
worked with him, his mind seemed to come alive. The more she encouraged
him,
the faster he responded. By the end of the year, Teddy had become one of
the smartest children in the class and, despite her lie that she would
love all the children the same, Teddy became one of her 'teacher's pets..'

A year later, she found a note under her door, from Teddy, telling her that
she was the best teacher he ever had in his whole life.

Six years went by before she got another note from Teddy. He then wrote
that he had finished high school, third in his class, and she was still
the best teacher he ever had in life.

Four years after that, she got another letter, saying that while things had
been tough at times, he'd stayed in school, had stuck with it, and would
soon graduate from college with the highest of honours. He assured Mrs.
Thompson that she was still the best and favorite teacher he had ever had
in his whole life.

Then four more years passed and yet another letter came. This time he
explained that after he got his bachelor's degree, he decided to go a
little further. The letter explained that she was still the best and
favourite teacher he ever had. But now his name was a little longer....
The letter was signed, Theodore F. Stoddard, MD.

The story does not end there. You see, there was yet another letter that
spring. Teddy said he had met this girl and was going to be married. He
explained that his father had died a couple of years ago and he was
wondering if Mrs. Thompson might agree to sit at the wedding in the place
that was usually reserved for the mother of the groom. Of course, Mrs.
Thompson did. And guess what? She wore that bracelet, the one with several
rhinestones missing. Moreover, she made sure she was wearing the perfume
that Teddy remembered his mother wearing on their last Christmas together.

They hugged each other, and Dr. Stoddard whispered in Mrs. Thompson's ear,
'Thank you Mrs. Thompson for believing in me. Thank you so much for making
me feel important and showing me that I could make a difference'

Mrs. Thompson, with tears in her eyes, whispered back She said, 'Teddy, you
have it all wrong. You were the one who taught me that I could make a
difference. I didn't know how to teach until I met you.'
(For you that don't know, Teddy Stoddard is the Dr. at Iowa Methodist in
Des
Moines that has the Stoddard Cancer Wing.)

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From: Allnutts  -  Redneck playstation

This is guaranteed to keep you entertained for hours.

CLICK  target=_blank>Click here

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Politically Correct  Gems

I can't see the big deal with calling a Pakistani a Paki.
It's  just the same as calling an Australian an Aussie, a Scotsman a
Scot, or a  Frenchman an Asshole.

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a guy hiding  behind a
gravestone.
I said, "Morning."
He replied, "No, just having  a pee."

Went to my first Muslim birthday party last week.
The musical  chairs was a bit slow, but pass the parcel was quick!

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.   Then I
realized that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and  asked
Him to forgive me.

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan guy standing on  a fifth
floor balcony shaking a carpet.  I shouted up to  him, "What's up
Abdul........won't it start?"

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 Why Norwegians Don't Have Time for Golf

 Click here

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 From: Billm   -    Centrelink

The Centrelink Office.
A long haired Aboriginal walked into the local Centrelink office to pick up
his dole cheque.
He marched straight up to the counter and said,
'Hi You know, I just HATE drawing the dole. I'd really rather have a job.'
The Centrelink girl behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent,
Sir..'
'We have just received a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants
a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive
around in his 2009 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your
clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected
to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather
awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to
satisfy her s*xual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a
rather strong s*x drive.
A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc.
located above the garage will be designated for your sole use and the
salary is $200,000 a year. '

The  Aboriginal plain wide-eyed, said, ' You're bullsh*tin' me!
The Centrelink worker replied, ' Yeah, well. .. you f*cken started it.'

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From: Burnout

In these hard times a guy offered me a job circ*mcising elephants.
He said the pay wasn't very good but the tips are big.

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From: Kaos_reflex
MISUNDERSTANDING

The lesbians next door to me gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
Very nice, but I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.

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 From: Mad Mick from Marwick


Hi All


I think the following link goes some way to putting KTC into perspective!


Mad Mick from Markwick


"One day the sun will become a red giant. It will vapourise the four inner
planets and drastically change the outer planets. Then it will shrink to a
white dwarf and finally become a dead black dwarf. One star among a
thousand billion in a galaxy among a hundred million will have come to the
end of its useful life. An event, on the cosmic scale, about as dramatic as
single grain of sand being washed up by the Atlantic Ocean on our scale"


Make sure your speakers are on, and click on the link below
 Click here

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 From: Nottingham Smithie   -   The Snake and the Bunny

      Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned
bunny
      and an orphaned snake.

      By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the
bunny
      was hopping through the forest,and the snake was slithering through
the
      forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of
      course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. 'Oh, my,' said the
bunny,

      'I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since
      birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an
orphan, I don't even know what I am.'

      It's quite OK,' replied the snake. 'Actually, my story is as yours. I
too
      have been blind since birth,and also never knew my mother. Tell you
what,
      maybe I could slither all over you , and work out what you are so at
      least you'll have that going for you.'

      'Oh, that would be wonderful' replied the bunny. So the snake
slithered all
      over the bunny, and said, 'Well, you're covered with soft fur, you
have
      really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony
      tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit.'

      'Oh, thank you, thank you,' cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.
The
      bunny suggested to the snake, 'Maybe I could feel you all over with
my paw,
      and help you the same way that you've helped me.'

      So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, 'Well, you're
smooth
      and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls.

      I'd say you must be either a team leader, supervisor or possibly
someone in senior management . . . . .

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 From: Nottingham Smithie
You gotta see this I laughed till I cried.

    "Don't send a man shopping!"

    Click here

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 From: Stumpy Steve

I've joined Alcoholics Anonymous. I still drink but I use a different name.

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From: Stumpy Steve

A G N B : That's bang out of order.

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From: Stumpy Steve

I used to go out with a nymphomaniac impressionist....She did everybody.

Marriage is like a witness protection scheme.You get new clothes, home,
hair cut & you can't to see your old mates any more.

I met a bloke with a cuc*mber up his nose and a banana in his ear. "I feel
ill" he said. "Try eating sensibly" I said.

I was in a fight last night & the bloke pulled a razor out. He'd have used
it too, if he'd found somewhere to plug it in.

Caster Semenya, the woman 800m runner being gender tested, is, quite
appropriately, an anagram of 'Yes, a secret man'.

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From: Whizzbang

A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have
three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, so
I need something to keep me horny.... keep me potent".
The Pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and
takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label Viagra Extra
Strength and says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go nuts for twelve
hours".

The guy says, "Gimme three boxes".

The next day the guy walks into the same pharmacy, limps up to the counter
and pulls down his pants. The Pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the
man's penis is black and blue, and skin is hanging off in some places. In a
pained voice the man moans out, "Gimme a bottle of
Deep Heat".

The pharmacist replies in horror, "You can't put Deep Heat on that"!
The man replies, "No, it's for my arms. The girls didn't show up".

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 From: 4M
 ANIMALS

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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 From: Allnutts
 HERE KITTY, KITTY, KITTY

For you animal lovers......... And even those who aren't.


 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here


On a typical day he will devour 200 lb of meat, usually beef or chicken,
and is capable of eating 100 lb at a single setting.

At just three years old, Hercules already weighs half a ton.

He is the unintentional result of two enormous big cats living close
together at the Institute of Greatly Endangered and Rare Species, in Miami
,
Florida , and already dwarfs both his parents.

'Ligers are not something we planned on having,' said institute owner Dr.
Bhagavan Antle. 'We have lions and tigers living together in large
enclosures and at first we had no idea how well one of the lion boys was
getting along with a tiger girl, then lo and behold we had a liger.'

These two cats don't normally have the opportunity to breed in the wild, as
most lions live in Africa and most tigers in Asia .

50mph runner... Not only that, but he likes to swim, a feat unheard of
among water-fearing lions.  In the wild it is virtually impossible for
lions and tigers to mate. Not only are they enemies likely to kill one
another. But incredible though he is, Hercules is not unique. Ligers have
been bred in captivity, deliberately and accidentally, since shortly
before World War II

Today there are believed to be a handful of ligers around the world and a
similar number of tigons, the product of a tiger father and lion mother.

Tigons are smaller than ligers and take on more physical characteristics of
the tiger.

Look at the size of the head ..............

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From: Allnutts
 how to survive work
 Click here

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From: Allnutts
 Colors -

 Click here

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 From: Anonymous
 OldSchoolAircraft11
 Click here

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From: Anonymous
cool videos

 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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 From: Arfermo

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Arfermo
 Boat show
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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 From: Arfermo
 Unusual signs

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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 From: Arfermo
 Life in the raw

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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From: Arfermo
 Muslim god stuff

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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 From: Burnout
 Click here

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From: Diks
NASA

 Click here

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 From: Kaos_reflex
 Open carefully - check your environment please before doing so.
 Click here
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From: Kaos_reflex
 What a pretty fish....this years must have pet.

 Click here

Be sure to have a good look at the colouring on the fish! This picture was
sent to me by friends and I couldn't believe Mother Nature's choice of
word.
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 From: Moose
 Your new workplace agreement...
 Click here

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 From: Muse
Blonde in Disguise???

 Click here

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From: Nottingham Smithie
photos  of " Foodscapes"

 Click here

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From: Nottingham Smithie
 What's all the fuss about, i used to get my Mother a pot plant for
Mother's
Day
 Click here

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From: Stumpy Steve

 Click here
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 From: Whizzbang
  Never trust a Chinese man.]

 Click here

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 From: Whizzbang
 DO YOU LIKE MOTORCYCLES ?
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


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 From: Whizzbang

 Click here

Who EXACTLY assigns the tail numbers for planes?
The new "Air Force One" tail number - and yes I am laughing!

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 From: Whizzbang
careful, a horrible war crime..
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Pls forward to as many people as possible and help stop this heartlessness
which is taking place in Libya!
PLEASE DON'T CRY (Have they gone mad or what? .....)

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 From: Whizzbang
 Brazilian Army.pps  XX
 Click here

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 From: Whizzbang
  Russian rally

 Click here

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 From: Whizzbang
 Another of life's mysteries solved.........

 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
 Rice fields of Japan ... amazing!

Pretty amazing work of art!

Stunning crop art has sprung up across rice fields in Japan.
But this is no alien creation - the designs have been cleverly planted.
Farmers creating the huge displays use no ink or dye. Instead, different
colors of rice plants have been precisely and strategically arranged and
grown in the paddy  fields.
As summer progresses and the plants shoot up, the detailed artwork begins
to emerge.

A Sengoku warrior on horseback has been created  from hundreds of thousands
of rice plants, the colors created by using different varieties, in
Inakadate in Japan

The largest and  finest work is grown in the Aomori  village of  Inakadate,
600  miles north of Toyko, where the tradition began in 1993.

The village has now earned a reputation for its agricultural artistry and
this year the enormous pictures of Napoleon and a Sengoku-period warrior,
both on horseback, are visible in a pair of fields adjacent to the town
hall.

More than 150,000 vistors  come to Inakadate, where just 8,700 people live,
every summer to see the extraordinary murals.Each year hundreds of
volunteers and villagers plant four different varieties of rice in late
May across huge swathes of paddy fields.
Napolean on horseback can be seen from the skies, created by precision
planting and months of  planning between villagers and farmers in Inkadate
Fictional warrior Naoe Kanetsugu and his wife Osen appear in fields in the
town of Yonezawa, Japan
And over the past few years, other villages have joined in with the plant
designs.Another famous rice paddy art venue is in the town of Yonezawa in
the Yamagata  prefecture.
This year's design shows the fictional 16th-century samurai warrior Naoe
Kanetsugu and his wife, Osen, whose lives feature in television series
Tenchijin.
Various artwork has popped up in other rice-farming areas of Japan this
year, including designs of deer dancers.
Smaller works of crop art can be seen in other rice-farming areas of Japan
such as this image of  Doraemon and deer dancers
The farmers create the murals by planting little purple and yellow-leafed
kodaimai rice along with their local green-leafed tsugaru roman variety to
create the coloured patterns between planting and harvesting in September.
The murals in Inakadate cover 15,000 square metres of paddy fields.

From ground level, the designs are invisible, and viewers have to climb the
mock castle tower of the village office to get a glimpse of the work.

Rice-paddy art was started there in 1993 as a local revitalization project,
an idea that grew out of meetings of the village committee.

Closer to the image, the careful placement of  thousands of rice plants in
the paddy fields can be  seen

The different varieties of rice plant grow alongside each other to create
the masterpieces In the first nine years, the village office workers and
local farmers grew a simple design  of Mount  Iwaki every year.
But their ideas grew more complicated and attracted more attention.

In 2005 agreements between landowners allowed the creation of enormous rice
paddy art.
A year later, organisers used computers to precisely plot planting of the
four differently colored rice varieties that bring the images to life.

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Whizzbang
  Awesome driving
 Click here

This is Ken Block (the owner of DC Shoes) second video bit artsy fartsy
compared to the first, but still totally awesome.

This bloke can drive!!!

It had over a million hits on U Tube in the 1st 2 days it was released
about a month ago.

If you have not seen the first video it's definitely worth a search on U
Tube.

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From: Whizzbang
Customer Reported Some Brake Fade ?

 Click here Click here Click here

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From: Whizzbang
This ones a CRACKA

 Click here

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Seven Meter Crocodile, caught in the NT (Borroloola)

 Click here Click here

I thought I had seen some large crocs but this ones a monster. He was
caught near the Aboriginal community of Borroloola.
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From: Whizzbang
Road Runner

 Click here

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From: anonymous
The REAL Wiley E. Coyote Story

 Click here

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Just thought you should know how ecologically sound we Aussies are

A 2007 study found that the average Australian bloke walks about 900 miles
a year.
Another study found that the average Australian bloke drinks 22 gallons of
beer a year.
That means the average Australian bloke gets about 41 miles per gallon.
Bloody good value that!

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Creative Puns for Smart Minds...

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's Round Table was Sir Cumference. He
acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to
be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated in an algebra class, because it was
a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his
work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie..

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking
into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the
other, "You stay here, I'll go on a head."

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, "Keep off the Grass."

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his
grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at
large

19. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned
veteran.

20. A backward poet writes inverse.

21. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your
count that votes.

22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

23. Don't join dangerous cults, practice safe sects!

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[ End friday humour ]

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