Friday humour - August 21, 2009


From Burnout at Bluehaze.

Not a huge FH this week, to those contributors who's items did not appear
in this addition, don't be discouraged, here in the haze the editors try
and make as many contributions make it into each additions possible.
If your contribution fails to appear it usually means it is already in this
addition (happens a lot), or it has recently appeared. (We don't like to be
too repetitious, you know).

So make sure you continue to send in your tit bits to fill the weekly
mailout.

Enjoy this weeks funnies - some of the AV is excellent.

Cheers,
Burnout.

From: Burnout
Subject: HAIR CUT

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his†father
as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
†††
His†father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades
up†from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your
hair†cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'
The boy thought about that for a†moment, decided he'd settle for the offer,
and they agreed on†it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought†your grades up
and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible,†but you haven't
had your hair cut.

The †boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've †noticed in my studies of the Bible
that
Samson had long hair, John the †Baptist had long hair, Moses had long
hair...and there's even strong †evidence that Jesus had long hair.'
To this his father replied, 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere
they†went?'

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 05-27-09, 1:43 A M EST.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I
hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on my girlfriend and me,
threatening our lives.

You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.

I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol
after you took my Jacket.
The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.

My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45
ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it
that very evening.

You must agree that it is a very Intimidating weapon when pointed at your
head, wasn't it?

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from bare
footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me.
(That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help
mug us again].

After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell,
I explained the entire episode of what you'd done.
Then I Went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the
gas station on your credit card.

The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely
grateful!


I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Gos,
along with all the cash in your wallet.

[That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at
the curb  ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the
entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone s*x numbers from your cell phone. Telco
just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little
over a day now,
so what's going on with that?

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office
and one to the FBI,
while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess
while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel
this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your
threatened crime.
I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate
pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to
reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you've chosen to
pursue in life.

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.

Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,
Alex

P.S. Remember this motto.
An armed society makes for a more civil society!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Quote of the recession so far:

"THIS IS WORSE THAN A DIVORCE.
I'VE LOST HALF MY MONEY
AND STILL HAVE MY WIFE."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Croydon Caz

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said,"I
want to be a movie star."

Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had all the `Right'
credentials.


The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into
Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will
not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever!"

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years....you will
NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling
you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent
you."


"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he
left the agent's office.


FIVE YEARS LATER... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.

Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is
awe-struck, who would possibly send him $ 50,000? He reads the letter
enclosed...

"Dear Sir,

Five years ago, I came into your office wanting tobecome an actor in
Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it
with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it
in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.


After I left your office, I thought long and hard about what you had said.
I decided you were quite right. I had to change my name. I had too much
pride to return to your office, so I signed up with another agent. There
is no doubt that I would never have made it without changing my name, so
the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.


Thank you for your advice.


Sincerely,


Dick van Dyke"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Diks
For MEN only!

A notable gynaecologist once said,
"The best engine in the world is the vagina.

It can be started with one finger.

It is self-lubricating.

It takes any size piston.

And it changes its own oil every four weeks.

It is only a pity that the management system is so f**king temperamental."


The trouble is....................It can be expensive to maintain.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?


A Crazy Bitch who WILL FIND YOU!!!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Nottingham Smithie
A Muslim Dies

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the pearly Gates. He is very
excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.

Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.

'Are you Mohammed?' he asks

'No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up'. And he points to a ladder
that rises into the clouds

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder
in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he
meets another bearded man.

He asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?'

'No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still.'

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy, he continues to climb the ladder
and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another
man with a beard.

Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?'

'No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up.'

Mohammed higher than Jesus?

The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs,
ever higher.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

A Warning From Pakistan --It's Gonna Get UGLY!

This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of
Migration Mohammed Omar warned the United States that if Military actions
against Iraq and Afghanistan continue, Taliban authorities intend to cut
off
America's supply of Convenience Store Managers and possibly Motel 6
Managers. And, if this action does not yield sufficient results, Cab
Drivers will be next, followed by DELL and AOL Customer Service Reps.
Furthermore the latest advance in anaesthetics to come from  Islamabad
Medical School will be withheld i.e. merely breathing on the patient.
Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened to send us no more
candidates for President of the United States!

It's gonna get ugly!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Cajun Fish Bait


Boudreaux he been fish' n down by de bayou all day an he done run outta
night crawlers.

He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wit a big frog in his mouf.

He knowed dat dem big bass fish like frogs, so he decides to steal dat
froggie.

Dat snake, he be a cotton moufed water moccasin, so Boudreaux had to be
real careful or he'd get bit.

He snuk up behine de snake and grabbed him roun de haid. Dat ole snake
din't lak dat one bit.

He squirmed and wrapped hisself roun Boudreaux's arm try'n to get hisself
free.

But Boudreaux, him, had a real good grip on his haid, yeh.

Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and puts it in his bait
can.

Now, Boudreaux know dat he cain't let go dat snake or he's gonna bite him
good, but he have a plan.

He reach into de back pockt of his bib overhauls and pulls out a pint a his
Uncle Fouchon's moonshine likker.

He pour some drops into de snakes mouf.

Well, dat snake's eyeballs roll back in his haid and his body go limp..

Wit dat, Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou, den he goes back to
fish'n.

A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin tappin' on his  0barefoot toe.

He slowly look down and dere be dat cotton moufed water moccasin, wif two
more frogs.

Life be good


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Seasoldier

DIVORCE VS. MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the
Pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy
some Cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."


The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't
give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose
my license!
They'll throw both of us in jail!

All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any
cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in
bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,


"Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Stumpy Steve

The success of a meeting is defined by it's refreshments & sandwiches.

I went on holiday last week. It only rained twice - once for three days and
once for four.

Why do they lock petrol station toilets? Are they afraid someone will clean
them?

I think we're in for a bad spell of wether.

My gran is turning 90 next week and she still doesn't need glasses...she
just drinks straight from the bottle.

I've learnt so much from my mistakes, I'm thinking about making a few more.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Whizzbang

A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house
with his finger.
His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the
boy continues.

"Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off." You're going to break something.
He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.

Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the
store... He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he
leaves it..

Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge, a diarrhea
run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and
SPLAT, out it comes.

When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing.
She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet!

She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation,
but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.

When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees
and takes a long, hard look at the thing.
Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might
be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the
walls, etc.

"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.

He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the
first time I've ever actually seen a fart !"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


I can't see the big deal with calling a Pakistani a Paki.
It's just the same as calling an Australian an Aussie, a Scotsman a Scot or


a Frenchman a c*nt.

  +++++++++++++++++


I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a
gravestone.

I said, "Morning." He replied, "No, just having a sh*t."

********************


Went to my first Muslim birthday party last week.

The musical chairs was a bit slow, but f*ck me, pass the parcel was
quick!!!


When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.

Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way,

so I stole one and asked him to forgive me

<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>


Lady in labour, shouting the usual sh*t,

"Get this thing outta me! Give me the drugs!"

She turns to her boyfriend and says,

"You did this to me, you f*cker!"

He casually replies,

"If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your ar*e, but you said,

'f*ck off it'll be too painful.'"

********************


I'm not racist, racism is a crime, and crime is for black people

**********


I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She said I had
to stop wanking.

When I asked why she said,

"Because I'm trying to examine you!"


 I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a

fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him,

"What's up Abdul, won't it f*cking start?"


My girlfriend and I were having s*x the other day when she looked at me and
said,

"Make love to me like in the movies."

So I f*cked her in the ass, pulled out, and came all over her face and
hair.
I guess we don't watch the same movies.


  A man walks into a petrol station and says,

"Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?"

The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to
him.

"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch."


Chinese guy walks into a bar.

The bartender is black.
  Chinese guys says, "Gimmie a jigger, nigger!"

The black guy is shocked, but gives him a shot.

The Chinese guy does the same thing again.

The black guy gets p*ssed off but still gives him another shot.

The Chinese guy says it again.

The black guy is royally p*ssed off now.

 He yells,

"You get back here! I'm going to do the same thing to you and you can see
how it feels."
The black guy storms out and the Chinese guy gets behind the bar.

The black guy walks in and yells,

"Gimmie a drink, chink!"

The Chinese guys says, "Sorry. We don't serve niggers here!"


 I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted,

"Oi, what's your disability?"

I said, "Tourettes! Now f*ck off you c*nt!"

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was
  enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his
  doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more
  children..
  The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would
  fix
  the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go
  home,
  get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the
can
  up to his ear and count to 10.

  The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy
  in
  the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to
my
  ear is going to help me with my problem."

  "Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

  So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the
  can up to his ear and began to count:

  "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can
between
  his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

  This procedure also works in New Zealand

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

A profound statement that is pure common sense.

This is probably the 5 best sentences you'll ever read. This is one
paragraph that should be in every book, in every school room, in every
city, in every state, in our great Union . Our educators should make a
lesson plan on this one statement and beat these words into every head, in
every class, in every state, in these United States of America

You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity by legislating the wealthy
out of prosperity.
What one person receives without working for, another person must work for
without receiving. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the
government does not first take from somebody else. When half of the people
get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going
to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no
good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that
my dear friend, is the beginning of the end of any nation. You cannot
multiply wealth by dividing it."*

* Adrian Rogers, 1931*


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

SUMBICH!!!!

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and
invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only
Redneck in the neighborhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.


Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters, and
BBQ and flirting with all the women. At th e height of the party, the host
said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a
million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.'


The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash.
Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the
gator and kicking its ass!
Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head
butts and choke holds,
biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind
of Judo Instructor.


The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator
were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let
it float to the top like a dime store goldfish.. Leroy then slowly climbed
out of the pool.. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

'No, that's okay. I don't want it,' said Leroy.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How
about half a million bucks then?'

No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was
amazing.
How about a new
Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'

Leroy said, 'I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!'

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

How about some AV stuff now for your viewing pleasure:
(First up I thought those of us highbrow FH'ers would enjoy this wonderful
morsel. Feel free to clap at the end of this performance. - ED)

This fun YouTube video features a 1980s pop classic. The rock band Toto
scored their biggest hit with Africa in 1982. The song is instantly
recognizable. But it has been reinvented.

Perpetuum Jazzile is an a cappella jazz choir from Slovenia. Itís hard to
think of something further from an Ď80s rock band. But their version of
Africa may best the original. The group has amazing voices.

But the beginning of this video is really striking. Group members simulate
an African thunderstorm with their hands.

Itís really something to see and hear.(Don't turn up your sound - the sound
of raindrops begins really soft.)

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Pilbrara Car Wash

 Click here
erR9800.flv


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Believe it or not you will play with this thing for a few minutes, darn
thing looks real......
A LIVING SPIDER
Poke and prod the spider with your mouse. Also 'grab' one of its legs with
your mouse and drag it around the screen -- tell me it's not alive!
 Click here

Also anywhere on the map hit the space bar and it leaves little bugs where
your mouse is, watch the spider go after them. This is totally crazy and
creepy too!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Nottingham Smithie

This was probably based on me:  (I worry about you mate! - ED)

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Circle the Cat

Some might find this hard to to do..good luck!!

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From Allnuts

Polar Bear Attack in Churchill, Manitoba, Canada!!!


 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

This construction in China appears to have failed it's most basic design
requirement.  Fortunately this happed before it was occupied. (see all
pictures below)

At around 5:30am on June 27, an unoccupied building still under
construction at Lianhuanan Road in the Minxing district of Shanghai city
toppled over.
One worker was killed.

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Serious Model Planes

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Better than the Harlem Globetrotters

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Little bastards!!

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

blonde  bowling ...... (Someone ate their cork flakes - ED)

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Arfermo
Can do's and don'ts

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Eyesore

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

(Here's a bunch from Moi - enjoy ED)
Moses ... The Promised Land...

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

What a pity..... Only one life to live..!!!! (quel dommage!!!!!)
There is a saying : "If you have half a mind to be a politician thatís all
you need" !!

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

OH&S Testing in 1952
Testing bullet proof glass in 1952.....

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Speaks for itself really................

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Phone your school............
 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Toppless Bar

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Croydon Caz
How did the human race appear?

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Fluid in motion.

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Here's a cracker from Mad Mick from Marwick
Farm sounds

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Moose
look & keep working...

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

WTF ???????

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Nottingham Smithie
enjoy the pics - unglaublich is German for unbelievable and some of them
are.


 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Worlds Largest Airplane

THIS AIRPLANE WAS AT THE NIAGARA FALLS AIRPORT RECENTLY (TWICE)
TO LOAD COMPRESSORS TO FLY DIRECTLY TO SAUDI ARABIA

32 wheels! -- Cost's more than my house to rotate the tires!
The World's Biggest Airplane, the Russian Antonov 225.
Attached pics are of the Russian behemoth when it came into Medford ,  OR ,
to pick up two Sikorsky fire fighting helicopters to take overseas --
$1,000,000 to transport them

While they were loading the helicopters, the Russian pilots (two crews),
went into town to buy cigarettes by the case and
Levis jeans. It is amazing something this huge can stay in the air. The
Wright brothers would never have dreamed it.

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Where Do Cats Sleep?

Where Do Cats Sleep ......apparently anywhere they please!

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Off-roading in Afghanistan - the mighty hummer is not that tough

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From Whizzbang

A Good Old Country Song called "A$$HOLES"]

IT'S TOO BAD THAT THIS WAS DONE PRIOR TO OUR CURRENT ADMINISTRATION.

TURN YOUR SPEAKERS UP AND LET THEM RINGGGGG!.....................

This is a Classic, a little raw but a classic none the less! How astute to
have identified, pictured and exposed all these liberals

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Fun with a laser...the dog

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Whizzbang's What the f....

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

There - I fixed it.

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From anonymous this time:

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Thanks for the comments anonymous - we love our work here at
Bluehaze - ED

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Old Smokey: The Age of the 707 -- circa 1964.

 Click here

That glorious smoke is from the 1,700 pounds of water injection the J 57s
used for take off.


And the noise; they just can't cut it any more.


Those were the good ole days. Pilots back then were men that didn't want to
be women or girly men. Pilots drank coffee, Bundy OP, smoked cigars and
didn't wear digital watches.

They carried their own suitcases and brain bags. Pilots didn't bend over
into the crash position multiple times each day in front of the passengers
at security so that some security twirp could probe for tweezers or
fingernail clippers or too much toothpaste.

Pilots did not go through the terminal impersonating a caddy pulling a
bunch of golf clubs, computers, guitars, and feed bags full of tofu and
granola on a sissy-trailer with no hat and granny glasses hanging on a
pink string around their pencil neck while talking to their personal
trainer on the mobile!!!

Being an Airline Captain was as good as being the King in a
Mel Brooks movie. All the Hosties (aka.
Flight Attendants) were young, attractive, single women that were proud to
be combatants in the s*xual revolution. They didn't have to turn sideways,
grease up and suck it in to get through the c*ckpit door. They would blush
and say thank you when told that they looked good, instead of filing a
s*xual harassment claim.
Passengers wore nice clothes and were polite; they could speak AND
understand English. They didn't speak gibberish or listen to loud gangsta
rap on their IPods. They bathed and didn't smell like a rotting pile of
garbage in a jogging suit and flip-flops. Children didn't travel alone,
commuting between trailer parks. There were no Mongol hordes asking for a
seatbelt extension or a Scotch and grapefruit juice c*cktail with a twist.
If the Captain wanted to throw some offensive, ranting j*rk off the
airplane, it was done without any worries of a lawsuit or getting fired.
Axial flow engines crackled with the sound of freedom and left an
impressive black smoke trail like a locomotive burning soft coal. Jet fuel
was cheap and once the throttles were pushed up they were left there, after
all it was the jet age and the idea was to go fast (run like a goanna on a
hardwood floor). Economy cruise was something in the performance book, but
no one knew why or where it was. When the overspeed clacker went off no one
got all tight and scared because
Boeing built it out of iron, nothing was going to fall off and that sound
had the same effect on real pilots then as
Viagra does now for those new age guys.
There was very little plastic and no composites on the airplanes or the
Hosties pectoral regions. Aircraft and women had eye pleasing symmetrical
curves, not a bunch of ugly vortex generators, ventral fins, winglets,
flow diverters, tattoos, rings in their nose, tongues and eyebrows.
Airlines were run by men like Reg Ansett and Hudson Fysh who had built
their companies virtually from scratch, knew most of their employees by
name and were lifetime airline employees themselves... not pseudo
financiers and bean counters who flit from one occupation to another for a
few bucks, a better parachute or a fancier title, while fervently believing
that they are a class of beings unto themselves.
And so it was back then.... and never will be again!

(Oh, and whatever happened to the First Class leftovers.)

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners.  At one house
it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his
repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the
back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his
card had been returned.  Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis
3:10..'

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of
laughter.  Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.'
Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for
I was naked.'

Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones?  They still are!   'A
cheerful heart is good medicine' (Prov. 17:22)

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Sam went to a psychiatrist............

'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under
it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk
to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those
fears.'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor.'


'I'll sleep on it,' said Sam.

Six months later the doctor met Sam on the street. 'Why didn't you ever
come to see me about those fears you were having?' asked the psychiatrist.


'Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot
of money!

A Newfoundlander cured me for $10 and a pint of vodka. I was so happy to
have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'


'Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a Newfoundlander cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed!  -  Ain't nobody under there now
!!!..............'

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited
about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the
wedding,
and on the way they pass a Drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes.."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: " Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for
Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and Sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are "the seven
dwarfs",
they get ushered in to see the Pope.  Dopey leads the pack.

"Dopey my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"


Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in
Rome ?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and
answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome  ."

In the background a few of the dwarfs begin giggling.  Dopey turns around
and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back to face the Pope.

"Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled again, thinks for a moment and then answers, "No Dopey,
there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe ." This time all the other dwarfs
burst into laughter.

Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them all with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back to the Pope and says, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns
in the whole world?"

The Pope answers, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in
the world." The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling, and laughing,
pounding on the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin
chanting: "Dopey screwed a penguin!" "Dopey screwed a penguin!"

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Quote of the Week:

"There is always a way to be honest without being brutal."

Arthur Dobrin.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___



--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End friday humour ]

 Previous (August 14, 2009)  Index Next (August 28, 2009)