Friday humour - August 14, 2009



[ from Davo at Bluehaze ]


G'day


Hmmmm ...  Two issues in a row edited by moi  :-0

What to say?

Well I could start with the Liberals' current policy on Climate Change.

And here it is in a few lines ...

 .
 .
 .
 .
 .
 .

Better still, you fill it in.

The Liberal government went to the 2007 federal election with an ETS
(emission trading scheme) allegedly believing in global warming.  Labor
won the election pretty much on the two issues Climate Change and the ill
named and ill-fated "WorkChoices".

Here we are 21 months later, and the Libs yesterday voted down the
consistent and popular Labor Government ETS, alleging that they haven't
had enough time to discuss it.

Things look grim in Oz.  Good government requires a good opposition to keep
it on its toes.

The Libs are looking like a rag tail bunch of pompous twats who couldn't
care less about anyone else except themselves and those close to them.


Just a quick word on FH production.

To those who don't like my editorials, I'd just like to humbly say - Go
stuff yourself!  Stop reading them.

It was my fault when I overlooked the FH roster a few weeks ago and simply
forgot to produce an issue.  As treasurer of the local croquet club I was
immersed in cooking the books for the AGM.  Digi Steve was great ... and
threw it all together at the 11th hour.

Steve has been great.  It all comes via his automated server.

Thanks Steve!  And also special thanks to Burnout (aka Simon to some of us)
and Smithie of Nottingham (aka Alan) who not only do their bit in putting
FH together, but are also wonderful contributors.

And while of the subject, hugs to Whizzbang ... who the Great Man Tony used
to often call Whizzbang Pooley (for logical reasons).  Whizzie has arguably
been the most prolific contributor in recent years.

To those who get upset about their stuff not being published ...  it's
usually that whatever it was has already appeared before (Steve has a
program that tells us this), or it's simply not considered funny by the
rostered editor, or is perhaps beyond the pale.

But!  Please keep sending things in (see the address at the bottom).  And
if you are one of our regular anonymous contributors ... please seriously
thing about creating a nickname for publication purposes.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

First up some stuff from Allnutts

                                  THE OLD PHONE

When I was quite young, my father had one of the first telephones in our
neighborhood. I remember the polished, old case fastened to the wall. The
shiny receiver hung on the side of the box. I was too little to reach the
telephone, but used to listen with fascination when my mother talked to
it.

Then I discovered that somewhere inside the wonderful device lived an
amazing person. Her name was "Information Please" and there was nothing
she did not know. Information Please could supply anyone's number and the
correct time.

My personal experience with the genie-in-a-bottle came one day while my
mother was visiting a neighbor. Amusing myself at the tool bench in the
basement, I whacked my finger with a hammer, the pain was terrible, but
there seemed no point in crying because there was no one home to give
sympathy.

I walked around the house sucking my throbbing finger, finally arriving at
the stairway. The telephone! Quickly, I ran for the footstool in the
parlor and dragged it to the landing. Climbing up, I unhooked the receiver
in the parlor and held it to my ear. "Information, please" I said into the
mouthpiece just above my head. A click or two and a small clear voice
spoke into my ear.

"Information."

"I hurt my finger..." I wailed into the phone, the tears came readily
enough now that I had an audience.

"Isn't your mother home?" came the question.

"Nobody's home but me," I blubbered.

"Are you bleeding?" the voice asked.

"No," I replied. "I hit my finger with the hammer and it hurts." "Can you
open the icebox?" she asked...

I said I could.

"Then chip off a little bit of ice and hold it to your finger," said the
voice.

After that, I called "Information Please" for everything. I asked her for
help with my geography, and she told me where Philadelphia was. She helped
me with my math. She told me my pet chipmunk that I had caught in the park
just the day before, would eat fruit and nuts.

Then, there was the time Petey, our pet canary, died. I called, Information
Please," and told her the sad story. She listened, and then said things
grown-ups say to soothe a child. But I was not consoled. I asked her, "Why
is it that birds should sing so beautifully and bring joy to all families,
only to end up as a heap of feathers on the bottom of a cage?"

She must have sensed my deep concern, for she said quietly, " Wayne always
remember that there are other worlds to sing in."

Somehow I felt better.

Another day I was on the telephone, "Information Please." "Information,"
said in the now familiar voice. "How do I spell fix?" I asked.

All this took place in a small town in the Pacific Northwest . When I was
nine years old, we moved across the country to Boston . I missed my friend
very much. "Information Please" belonged in that old wooden box back home
and I somehow never thought of trying the shiny new phone that sat on the
table in the hall. As I grew into my teens, the memories of those
childhood conversations never really left me.

Often, in moments of doubt and perplexity I would recall the serene sense
of security I had then. I appreciated now how patient, understanding, and
kind she was to have spent her time on a little boy.

A few years later, on my way west to college, my plane put down in Seattle
.
I had about a half-hour or so between planes. I spent 15 minutes or so on
the phone with my sister, who lived there now. Then without thinking what
I was doing, I dialed my hometown Operator and said, "Information Please."

Miraculously, I heard the small, clear voice I knew so well. "Information."

I hadn't planned this, but I heard myself saying, "Could you please tell me
how to spell fix?"

There was a long pause. Then came the soft spoken answer, "I guess your
finger must have healed by now."

I laughed, "So it's really you," I said. "I wonder if you have any idea how
much you meant to me during that time?"

I wonder," she said, "if you know how much your call meant to me. I never
had any children and I used to look forward to your calls."

I told her how often I had thought of her over the years and I asked if I
could call her again when I came back to visit my sister.

"Please do", she said. "Just ask for Sally."

Three months later I was back in Seattle . A different voice answered
"Information." I asked for Sally.

"Are you a friend?" she said.

"Yes, a very old friend," I answered.

"I'm sorry to have to tell you this," she said. "Sally had been working
part-time the last few years because she was sick. She died five weeks
ago."

Before I could hang up she said, "Wait a minute, did you say your name was
Wayne ?" "Yes." I answered.

"Well, Sally left a message for you. She wrote it down in case you called.
Let me read it to you." The note said, "Tell him there are other worlds to
sing in. He'll know what I mean."

I thanked her and hung up. I knew what Sally meant.

Never underestimate the impression you may make on others.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Something from you know who you are ...

                                        Travel Tip

What to do in a flight when you have an annoying passenger sitting next to
you ...

1. Remove your laptop from the briefcase;

2. Open the laptop slowly and carefully:

3. Turn it on, as well as the sound;

4. Make sure that the passenger next to you is looking;

5. Access the Internet;

6. Close your eyes for a few moments, open again and look up to heaven:

7. Take a deep breath and open the site:

 Click here (Turn on SOUND)


8. Observe the facial expression of the passenger seating next to you.

Have a good trip.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Here's Burnout's contibutions

    Work Place Health and Safety would have a field day here ...

Not sure they have done a risk assessment on this one !

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                   Credit Card Scam

Snopes. Com says this is true. To verify see this site:
 Click here This one is pretty

slick
since they provide YOU with all the information, except the one piece they
want. Note, the callers do not ask for your card number; they already have
it... This information is worth reading. By understanding how the VISA &
Master Card Telephone Credit Card Scam works, you'll be better prepared to
protect yourself. One of our employees was called on Wednesday from
'VISA',
and I was called on Thursday from 'Master Card'.

The scam works like this:
Caller: 'This is (name), and I'm calling from the Security and Fraud
Department at VISA. My Badge number is 12460. Your card has been flagged
for an unusual purchase pattern, and I'm calling to verify. This would be
on your VISA card which was issued by (name of bank). Did you purchase an
Anti-Telemarketing Device for $497.99 from a Marketing company based in ?'
When you say 'No', the caller continues with, 'Then we will be issuing a
credit to your account. This is a company we have been watching and the
charges range from $297 to $497, just under the $500 purchase pattern that
flags most cards. Before your next statement, the credit will be sent to
(gives you your address), is that correct?' You say 'yes'.

The caller continues - 'I will be starting a Fraud investigation. If you
have any questions, you should call the 1- 800 number listed on the back
of your card (1-800 -VISA) and ask for Security.' You will need to refer
to this Control Number. The caller then gives you a 6 digit number. 'Do
you need me to read it again?' Here's the IMPORTANT part on how the scam
works.
The caller then says, 'I need to verify you are in possession of your
card'.
He'll ask you to 'turn your card over and look for some numbers'. There are
7 numbers; the first 4 are part of your card number, the next 3 are the
security Numbers that verify you are the possessor of the card. These are
the numbers you sometimes use to make Internet purchases to prove you have
the card. The caller will ask you to read the 3 numbers to him. After you
tell the caller the 3 numbers, he'll say, 'That is correct, I just needed
to verify that the card has not been lost or stolen, and that you still
have your card. Do you have any other questions?' After you say No, the
caller then thanks you and states, 'Don't hesitate to call back if you do,
and hangs up. You actually say very little, and they never ask for or tell
you the Card number.. But after we were called on Wednesday, we called
back within 20 minutes to ask a question.. Are we glad we did! The REAL
VISA
Security Department told us it was a scam and in the last 15 minutes a new
purchase of $497.99 was charged to our card. Long story - short - we made
a real fraud report and closed the VISA account. VISA is reissuing us a
new number. What the scammers want is the 3-digit PIN number on the back
of the card Don't give it to them. Instead, tell them you'll call VISA or
Master card directly for verification of their conversation. The real VISA
told us that they will never ask for anything on the card as they already
know the information since they issued20the card! If you give the scammers
your 3
Digit PIN Number, you think you're receiving a credit. However, by the time
you get your statement you'll see charges for purchases you didn't make,
and by then it's almost too late and/or more difficult to actually file a
fraud report. What makes this more remarkable is that on Thursday, I got a
call from a 'Jason Richardson of Master Card' with a word-for-word repeat
of the
VISA scam. This time I didn't let him finish. I hung up! We filed a police
report, as instructed by VISA. The police said they are taking several of
these reports daily! They also urged us to tell everybody we know that
this scam is happening. Please pass this on to all your family, friends
and neighbors. By informing each other, we protect each other. Neighbors
Helping
Neighbors


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Something from Diks

                                O'Bama's Healthcare?

TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO THE OBHAMA HEALTH CARE
PLAN:

(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter
the trailer park."

(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudge sickles.

(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" @ Roto-Rooter.

(6) The only item listed under Preventive Care Coverage is "an apple a
day..."

(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill
last month.

(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not
a typographical error.

(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."

(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED THE OBHAMA HEALTH CARE PLAN:

(1) You ask for Viagra and they give you a Popsicle stick and Duct Tape.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From Kaos-reflex

                            Cruise control - Not humour

NEVER KNEW THIS BEFORE BUT IF IT'S TRUE IT'S GOOD TO KNOW. 

I wonder how many people know about this?

A 36-year-old female had an accident several weeks ago and totalled her
car.
 A resident of Wollongong, NSW, she was travelling between Wollongong &
Sydney .  It was raining, though not excessively, when her car suddenly
began to hydroplane and literally flew through the air.

She was not seriously injured but very stunned at the sudden occurrence!

When she explained to the attending authority what had happened, he told
her something that every driver should know - NEVER DRIVE IN THE RAIN WITH
YOUR
CRUISE CONTROL ON.

She had thought she was being cautious by setting the cruise control and
maintaining a safe consistent speed in the rain. She was told that if the
cruise control is on and your car begins to hydroplane - when your tyres
lose contact with the pavement, your car will accelerate to a higher rate
of speed and you take off like an aeroplane.  She indicated that this was
exactly what had occurred.

It was estimated her car was actually travelling through the air at 10 to
15 km/h per hour faster than the speed set on the cruise control.

The policeman said this warning should be listed, on the driver's seat sun
visor - NEVER USE THE CRUISE CONTROL WHEN THE ROAD IS WET OR ICY.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From Moose

                        LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION


 1       Trevor , my assistant programmer, can always be found  2      
hard at work in his cubicle. Trevor works independently,without  3      
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Trevor never  4       thinks
twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always  5       finishes
given assignments on time. Often he takes extended  6       measures to
complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee  7       breaks. Trevor is a
dedicated individual who has absolutely no  8       vanity in spite of his
high accomplishments and profound  9       knowledge in his field. I firmly
believe that Trevor can be 10      classed as a high-calibre employee, the
type that cannot be 11      dispensed with. Consequently, I truly
recommend that Trevor be 12      promoted to executive management, and a
proposal will be 13      executed as soon as possible.

Addendum
The idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote this report.
Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

This stuff is from Smithie of Nottingham

                                  Arab Gold "Member"

A Saudi businessman has purchased what is being described by the Canadian
seller as the world's most expensive adult novelty item - a solid 18-carat
gold penis enlarger worth nearly $US50,000 ($59,240).

X4 Labs, a Canadian manufacturer of medical devices, received the
unorthodox request and recruited a Montreal custom jeweller to help with
its design and construction.

"This male health accessory is the most expensive traction device ever
produced and will likely become a historical benchmark for the adult
novelty industry," the company said in a statement.

Little is known about the buyer, except that he lives in Jeddah.

His glitzy new penis enlarger, however, is being encrusted at his request
with 40 diamonds and several rubies and is to be delivered by armoured car
in October, said Rick Oh, X4 Labs co-owner.

Saudi law bans the import of adult s*x toys, but the company insists its
product is a US government certified medical device.

Such devices normally retail for less than $US400. But this custom order is
expected to cost about $US47,000, Oh said.

"It's an unusual request," Oh said. "We didn't take it seriously at first,
but once he sent us a deposit, we had to agree to it."

But the seemingly lavish device was actually conceived for a practical
purpose, Oh explained.

"We were approached by the customer who insisted on a solid gold version of
our product because he claimed to have a severe skin allergy to stainless
steel."

Later, the buyer asked to add diamonds and rubies to it.

Product coordinator Matt West said he "is convinced that there is a
demographic that is willing to pay for lavish medical devices for their
private areas... to pay good money to spoil themselves."

"There is something tremendously selfish about the male ego, and
subsequently 50,000-dollar orders may become the norm for companies like
X4
Labs," he said.

Saudi pays stiff price for s*x toy


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                  Personalized GPS

I need one of these for my mobility cart.  Only, I can't decide which one.

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Some oldies and goodies from Whizzbang

                               This is ever so true!!

RALPHIE Had Shingles. Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office
should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are
running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to
RALPHIE:

RALPHIE walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what
he had. RALPHIE said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address,
medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked RALPHIE what he
had.
RALPHIE said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete
medical history and told RALPHIE to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked RALPHIE what he had. RALPHIE
said, 'Shingles.' So the nurse gave RALPHIE a blood test, a blood pressure
test, an electrocardiogram, and told RALPHIE to take off all his clothes
and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found RALPHIE sitting patiently in the
nude and asked RALPHIE what he had. RALPHIE said, 'Shingles.'

The doctor asked, 'Where?'

RALPHIE said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'

I'm still laughing!!!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                    Whos ya daddy??

The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child
Support Agency Forms in the section for listing 'father's details;' or
putting it another way.... Who's yo Daddy? These are genuine excerpts from
the forms! The city processes thousands of applications per month; but,
these few are selected for their comical nature.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered
by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of
Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being
sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you
with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had s*x with a
man I met that night. I do remember that the s*x was so good that I
fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me
his phone number?
Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW
that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps
you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it
replaced. That would be the daddy.

5. I have never had s*x with a man. I am still a Virginian. I think that my
son's conception was ejaculate stuff on a tawl and that he is an axident.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia dad as he informs me that to do
so would blow his cover and that would have cat aclysmic implications for
his wife. I am torn between doing right by you and right by him. Please
advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same
to me.

8. Tyrone Lairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him,
can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned
at the same time.... well, I don't have clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World;
it really was in the Magic Kingdom .

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for
sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I
had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956
Miller Ave. , mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all,
like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you
fart.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                       Morning Sex

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and
toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept
in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got
to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going
to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all;
right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still
around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, . . . . . "The egg timer's broken."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                   Panties on a plane

Three black ladies are getting ready to take a plane trip for the first
time.

The first lady said, 'I don't know bout y'awl but I'm gunna wear me sum hot
pink panties beefo I gets on dat plane.'

'Why you gonna wear dem fo?' the other two asked.

The first replied, 'Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying
butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first.'

The second lady said, 'Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some floe-esant orange
panties.'

'Why you gonna wear dem?' the others asked.

The second lady answered, 'Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down and I be
floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first.'

The third lady says, 'Well, I'm not gonna wear any pa nties.....'

'What? No panties?' the others asked in disbelief.

The third lady says, 'Dat's right girlfriends, you hears me right. I ain't
wearin' any panties, cause if dis plane goes down, honey, dey always look
fo da black box first.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                  The 11thHusband....

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10
husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be
gentle; I'm still a virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten
times.?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great
it was going to be.

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was
suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out
diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he
didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted
three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art
method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't
sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure
how to position it.

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it God I miss
him.

" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?

"Your're with the "GOVERNMENT".. This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED!!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                           *Golfing with the Wives*

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her
ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivees?' Ole demanded.

'Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says,

''For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go buy yourself some underwear.'

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt
also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.

'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'

She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's
a
20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'''

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over
her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

'Bloody Hell, Aggie! Where's yer drawers?'

She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money to be able to affarrd
any.'

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o
decency, here's a comb..... tidy yerself up a bit.'


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                   "Genius" at work

Every once in a while, in life, you run into a genius with true
talent......

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWN RIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
coordination.
I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                               Dr. Epstein returns home

Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate,
graduate,
and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan, where he
quickly rose to the top of his field.

Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference,
coincidentally held back in his home town. He walked on stage and placed
his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent
over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently
farted.

The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and
reverberated it down the hall.

He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to
deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the
stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.

Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her.
He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of
darkness.

The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?"

Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and
received my education here, but then I moved away."

Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.

"Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing
happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."

The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one
thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to us isn't
even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too."

Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."

"Was it a long time ago?"

"Yes, many years."

The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                High School Exit Exam

(Passing requires 4 correct answers)

1) How long did the Hundred Years War Last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass.

Check your answers below...

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

1) How long did the Hundred Years War Last?

116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name?

Albert

8) What color is a purple finch ?

Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Orange (of course)

What do you mean,

You failed?

Me, too.

And if you try to tell me you passed, you lie!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                         Tragedy

Kevin Rudd was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes.
They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their
meanings.
The teacher asked Kevin, the saviour of 'working families', if he would
like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

So Kevin (the saviour of 'working families' ) asked the class for an
example of a 'tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm,
is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, That would
be a 'tragedy.'

No, said Kevin - that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children
drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy'

I'm afraid not, explained Kevin - that's what we would call great loss'

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Kevin searched the
room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand.

In a quiet voice he said: 'If A plane carrying you and Julia Gillard was
struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be
a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Kevin. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that
would be tragedy?'

'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly
wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f*ckin' accident
either!'

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


This weeks audios videos and questionable pics are from Moose, Billm,
Stumpy
Steve, Kaos-reflex, Burnout, Muse from Canada, Whizzbang, Trina, and you
know who you are ...


Great Day           [ Don't open if in a bad mood!  - Ed ]
 Click here


BMW Z4 meets Meat!
Driving at 225km/h his BMW Z4 the Driver hit what looks like a dog.
The dog disappeared!
The driver stopped and wondered where did the dog go?
For all you drivers without bull bars, this is how you pack a 70 kg animal
into a BMW Z4.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


Old Tool Revived by the Australian Senate
 Click here


A hairy question
 Click here


F-35 Vertical Take off, flip
 Click here


What a split second looks like.....
 Click here


Is It Raining?........ Very cool!!!!
 Click here


Somebody Cares    [ Don't open if in a bad mood!-2  - Ed ]
 Click here


Take that copper!!!!.....
....for anyone who has ever received a "marginal" speeding fine
 Click here


Great Dog Pictures
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here


Why Naked Men Shouldn't Parachute   [ 2nd run ]
 Click here


NASCAR incident
Read text below first to understand what has happened before viewing
pictures.
Joe Gibbs Racing driver Brad Coleman was testing a Gibbs NASCAR Sprint Cup
Series car at Toyota Arizona Proving Grounds earlier this week and came
onto the radio and told his crew something rather unusual.
"Guys, I hit a coyote," Coleman said.
Coleman was running close to 200 mph around the 10-mile test track when he
saw the animal wander under the outside guardrail.
"I'm in the middle of the corner, and I'm doing like 190," Coleman said
Friday at Nashville Superspeedway before practicing his Nationwide Series
car. "I'm just cruising. You run the high line there, because that's where
the most banking is. It's the high-speed lane. There's just a guardrail
there like on the freeway.
"I see this thing, it must've been 100 feet in front of me, just jump out.
Right when I saw it come out from under the guardrail, I was like, 'That's
a coyote.'"
"It just started smoking like crazy," Coleman said. "And it smelled
terrible. I didn't see anything in the mirror, so I was like, 'I wonder
where it went?' I said, 'Guys, I hit a coyote. I'm going to come in
because
I think it screwed up the radiator. I think it clogged up the grille a
little bit.'"
 Click here Click here


WONDERFUL ENDING
The Jesusita Fire in Santa Barbara , CA last week caused these two to take
shelter together. The fawn is 3 days old and the bobcat about 3 weeks. The
fawn came from somewhere in the fire and the bobcat from Carpentaria. They
immediately bonded and snuggled together under a desk in the Santa Barbara
County Dispatch Office for several hours.
Extremely alert reader Fiv3r is reporting that Animal Planet is reporting
the bobcat kitten was rescued near Arnold Schwarzenegger's ranch, where it
was dehydrated and near death.
They rescued the fawn during last week's wildfire. Although wild animals,
especially of separate species, are never placed together due to
regulations, in this emergency situation, they had no choice. During the
mayhem of the fire, they were forced to put animals anywhere they could,
since they had run out of crates large enough for the fawn. The kitten ran
to the fawn, and it was instant bonding.
 Click here Click here


Different ...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here


The camera never lies
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here


School Bus...incredible !
SCHOOL BUS IN JAPAN
 Click here Click here Click here
SCHOOL BUS IN  PAKISTAN
 Click here


Kiwi's need to Sharpen up
 Click here


Men in Film
 Click here


Anyone for a bedtime snack?
 Click here Click here


Aussie guide dog
 Click here


I Miss Being A Little Boy
 Click here


Australian Divorce - This is hilarious!!!
 Click here


OUCH
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


Underwater Explosion..watch the waves roll over the ship at the end ... :)
 Click here


YOGA FOR MEN
 Click here


Extremely Ugly Crashes
 Click here


There! I fixed it....
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here


Health Warning ( This is VERY Important info!!) (personal!!!)
 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

More from annon ...
                                        Blonde ride

A 30-year-old blonde decides to try horseback riding for the first time.
With no lessons, nor prior experience, she mounts the horse unassisted, and
the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and
rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm
grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides
down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious
to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from
the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become
entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding
hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from
unconsciousness when to her great fortune..... Frank, the Wal-Mart
greeter,
sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

And you thought all they did was say Hello.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                     Then and Now

Do you know what happened 159 years ago this fall... back in 1850?

California became a state.

The people had no electricity.

The state had no money.

Almost everyone spoke Spanish.

There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically nothing has changed ...

... Except the women had real b**bs

... and the men didn't hold hands.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

This came from Biggus, aka Fifi

                                   Is this for real?

GOD: St. Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What the heck is
going on down there in the world? What happened to the dandelions,
violets,
thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance
garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and
multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts
butterflies, honeybees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast
garden of colours by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.

ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites.
They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill
them and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colourful. It doesn't attract
butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental
with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass
growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and
keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning
any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really
fast.
That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut
it, sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No, sir-just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow.
And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on
the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them
a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops
growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so
they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer
stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the
spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall
to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and
protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost
to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You'd better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new
circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay
to have them hauled away.

GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter
and to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something
which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of
the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine,
you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us
tonight?

ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber," Lord. It's a real stupid movie about...

GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From Mitta

                      A snap shot of the maths through time.

1. Teaching maths in 1970

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.

What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

His cost of production is 80% of the price.

What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

His cost of production is £80.

How much was his profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.

Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2005

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habit of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands.

Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the
logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.

6. Teaching Maths In 2009

A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be
offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the
felling licence. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of
Health and
Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He
has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does
not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered
to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his
details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is
taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target.
When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood
to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested,
prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a
further £100.

While he is in jail the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it
on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a leaving BBQ of
squirrel and pheasant and depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish
and asbestos sheeting. The forester on release is warned that failure to
clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He
complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace
and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated
government contractor.

Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested
and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by
hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest
of his life?

7. Teaching Maths In 2010

A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to
buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a
derivative of securitised debt related to sub- prime mortgages in Alabama
and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million
pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the
biggest losses.

The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry however,
as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations
and he is forced to scrap it.

Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it
back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send
their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their
relatives.
If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the
governments expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the
UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger
protests,
is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his
old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.

The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonus's are
not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the
difference on expenses and allowances.

You do the maths.

8. Teaching Maths 2017

جميع الكفار ومن المقرر اعدام الذين يعيشون في الأرض التي ولدو


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

This from Muse on the Canadian Thames

                                  Letter of the year.

"Dear Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.
How is it that Marks & Spencers has my address and telephone number, and
knows that I bought a TV set and golf clubs from them back in 1997, and
yet
HM Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date? Do you
people still do all this by hand?

My birth date you have in my Driving/NHS and tax form records that I've
filed for the past 40 years. It is on my driver's license, on the last six
passports I've ever had, and on all those stupid customs declaration forms
I've had to fill out before being allowed off the damn planes over the last
30 years, plus all those insufferable census forms that I've filled out
every 5 years since the 1960's. Also.... would somebody please take note,
once and for all, that my mother's name is Audrey, my Father's name is
Jack,
and I'd be absolutely f****** astounded if that ever changed between now
and when I drop dead!!!!

I apologize, Minister, but I'm really p****d off this morning. Between you
and me, I've had enough of all this bull****! You send the application to
my house, then you ask me for my f******address!! What the hell is going
on with you mob? Have you got a gang of mindless neanderthal a*****les
workin there?!

And another thing..... look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I
can't even grow a beard for god's sake! I just want to go to New Zealand
and see my new granddaughter. (yes, my son interbred with a Kiwi girl).
And would someone please tell me, why would you give a **** whether I plan
on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do
something weird to a sheep or a horse, believe you me, I'd sure as hell
not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city,
and get another f****** copy of my birth certificate, and to part with
another £40 for the privilege of accessing MY OWN INFORMATION! Would it be
so complicated to have all the services in the same spot, to assist in the
issuance of a new passport on the same day?? Nooooo..... that'd be too
f****** easy and makes far too much sense. You would much prefer to have
us running all over the place like chickens with our f****** heads cut
off, and then having to find some high society w***** to confirm that it's
really me in the goddamn photo! You know the photo..... the one where we're
not allowed to smile??..... you f****** morons. Signed: an irate British
citizen

PS: remember what I said about the photo, and getting someone in
professional employment to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been
in this country for about 2000 years! I have also served in both the
military and the police service for a combined total of 40 odd years and
had the hightest security clearances possible.

However, your rules require that I have to get someone 'important' to
verify who I am: you know.... someone like my doctor...... WHO WAS BORN
AND RAISED
IN BLEEDING PAKISTAN !!!.... a country where they either assassinate or
hang their ex- prime ministers, and are suspended from the Commonwealth
for not having the 'right sort of government'.

You are all f****** idiots. "


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Finally from Stumpy Steve


People are saying there's a giant killer butterfly on the loose in London
but I think it's just an urban moth.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                             The Queen & Prince Philip

The Queen and Prince Philip are talking.

Queen: "Philip, one has come to a monumental decision." Philip: "Not again
Liz ! Last time you did that we ended up having Edward."

Queen: "No! I'm going to dissolve parliament, all these money grabbing
bastards running the country." Philip: "What! Who is going to bloody run
it then?"

Queen: "We are, the whole family!" Philip: "What like the bloody Mafia?"

Queen:" Look you can run the Foreign Office, you're good with Johnny
foreigner." Philip: "True."

Queen: "And we have natural leaders for every job in the cabinet - Charles
can handle the environment, Zara can do sport, Wills can do defence and of
course Harry can handle immigration policy!" Philip: "Actually, on
reflection it's a great idea!"

Queen: "Too right it is, now Windsor or Balmoral?" Philip: "What about
them?"

Queen: "For the second home allowance!"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                     Musings ...

I'm proud of my Grandfather. He shot down two German planes. Admittedly
that was in 1972 but you can't be too careful.


I've been told to find my sensitive side so I started writing poetry:
POETR... As you can see - it's coming along nicely.


Written on the council's sweeper van is 'A cleaner, greener and safer
city.'
Safer! It's hardly the bloody batmobile, is it?


If the creator had meant us to eat snails, he would have given us striped
shirts, berets and we'd have smelled of garlic.


I used to go out with a girl who had a wooden leg. Everything went
smoothly,
then I broke it off.


On a drugs bust one guy threw sodium chloride on me and another covered me
in sulphuric acid. I didn't know how to react.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Quote of the Week:


  "Non-violence leads to the highest ethics, which is the goal of all
   evolution.  Until we stop harming all other living beings, we are
   still savages!"


                                                       - Thomas Alva Edison


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.THE_._-__.END_._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End friday humour ]

 Previous (August 07, 2009)  Index Next (August 21, 2009)